Tell HN: You are not alone this Christmas

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=29682002

by Jaruzel • 5 years ago

1193 313 5 years ago

news.ycombinator.com

Hi, my Christmas is solitary this year, no family or friends. I'm not even having a Christmas dinner. I'm not sad about this, though. It's just the way it is. What I wanted to say is, if you are in the same situation, you are not alone. So have a virtual hug from me.

Flankk• 5 years ago

This year has been rough. The antiviral pills are just getting approved, seem to be effective. There's a chance we'll get back to normal in the new year. Merry Christmas!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UEaKX9YYHiQ

whitesilhouette• 5 years ago

My guess is we will be able to come to a definitive answer by next year March if we go by the cyclic nature of this.

ChrisMarshallNY• 5 years ago

Very nice.

My family is having a quarantine Christmas. We’ll be done on Monday.

xwdv• 5 years ago

I have people but still feel alone. Every year is a brutal reminder that there will come a moment when you have finally met all the people that will ever love you, and the list only shrinks more and more every year. For me, it must have happened long ago.

jotaass• 5 years ago

Yeah, that's true, that day will come. Just like there will come a day you will go outside for the last time, have your favorite meal a last time, listen to a song for the last time or breathe for the last time. It's a sobering thought. But until that day you have plenty of opportunities to do all those things, and that includes loving new people!

thorin• 5 years ago

Thanks! Last couple of years have been more lonely due to covid stuff. I'm only my own but picking up my kids tomorrow for a week. Enjoy your day, it's just another day though! I'll be doing some chores, going for a bike ride, then roasting something.

johnisgood2• 5 years ago

It's another day for you and me in paradise.

cblconfederate2• 5 years ago

You can also get an actual virtual hug and virtual dance etc in online gaming if you re bored. Even if public gatherings are turned off this year, technology gives people , solitary or not, ways to connect with each other

(I'll shamelessly plug these open-source world parties https://opensimworld.com/?sub=events )

Cloudef2• 5 years ago

Thanks, pretty much same for me.

globular-toast• 5 years ago

Solitary here too. I like being alone, but I do require a little "punctuation" throughout the year when I see people. It's a shame that gatherings seem to require an excuse or some big event and can't just be "because I haven't seen you for a while". Maybe they can be. But I lack the social skills to make that happen. Also my latent social anxiety.

kodizhuk2• 5 years ago

thanks, really)

kodizhuk2• 5 years ago

thanks, really

ArjenM• 5 years ago

Virtual hugs all around! Hope everyone has a more favorable time ahead of them next year.

bigodbiel• 5 years ago

Merry Christmas all! And remember no one is truly lonely.

Have a virtual hug from me. Love you all

kombine• 5 years ago

I'm an immigrant living in the UK by myself and it is not even in my homeland tradition to celebrate Christmas. So today will just be a regular Saturday for me!

abledon• 5 years ago

happy dec 25th coffee in the morning feeling!

ignoramous• 5 years ago

Even if one doesn't "celebrate" the year-end holidays, the vibes all around are alright, to be fair. The coffee, much like the air you breathe-in itself, feels very different when almost everyone is in a jolly good mood.

darepublic• 5 years ago

Thanks for the hug OP, right back at you. Happy Christmas

smcleod• 5 years ago

Right back at you. Not an easy day to be alone. Don't do anything silly people. Call someone you care about if you can.

Wisdomlife• 5 years ago

Thank you. I am alone but more happy than most others. Because I am free from internal and external vices. That is the true message behind Christmas. Let us celebrate each and every moment of our lives. May all always be very happy and healthy.

acqbu• 5 years ago

Thanks, you too. Solitary Christmas here too - being an INTJ, I wouldn't like it any other way. To me, this is a great opportunity to review the past year, plan/predict the next one and work on some cool side projects. All best wishes!

abzug17• 5 years ago

Thank you for this gesture. I lost almost everything. Job, 7-year relationship, my mental health.

Feeling that I'm not only alone but inadequate to have a life like anybody else.

I'm still alive, so there's that.

ayoubElk• 5 years ago

This too, shall pass.

Going through tough times sucks, but it's extremely helpful to keep in mind that it will eventually pass.

Stay strong.

gigatexal3• 5 years ago

Dang! That’s tough! How are you coping? You good?

abzug17• 5 years ago

I'll be lying if I tell that I'm good.

In 2022 I'll study to become a programmer.

Focus on algorithms, data structures, and try to learn math (I'm very math illiterate, I don't know anything beyond basic arithmetic).

So at least by this time next year I'll have more knowledge.

sillysaurusx4• 5 years ago

I think if you're posting this to HN, you want to talk to someone about all of this.

I happen to like hearing about your life, so please feel free to DM me any time. https://twitter.com/theshawwn

Happy to just listen. No advice.

blip543212• 5 years ago

It's a kind offer.

I will mention that I suspect many people going through this won't be comfortable with Twitter as the means of communications....

SCUSKU• 5 years ago

+1 — This wonderful man helped me and listened via twitter DMs when I was in a rut.

asxd• 5 years ago

It's amazing how helpful it can be to have a sounding board. This is a very nice gesture.

Cloudef2• 5 years ago

Sorry to hear that. Hopefully things turn around for the good for you :(

crossroadsguy• 5 years ago

You were able to have a seven year long relationship. People spend their thirties or more without being in even one. I have tried and the best I could manage was 2 years. Second best was 4 months.

At least according to me you definitely are not inadequate :)

ejanus2• 5 years ago

Perfect!

Aeolun• 5 years ago

Maybe a bit of both? If my relationship is going on the rocks I’d rather it happen after 4 months or 2 years than after 7.

wobblybubble• 5 years ago

I’m like OP except that I have not had a romantic relationship as an adult (I’m in my thirties).

What OP brought up is what I think about the most: that I am too inadequate to just have a normal life. Just going to work is a little painful since I have to (over)hear everyone else talking about their normal lives.

wruza2• 5 years ago

I lost some parts of my mental health too after two last years (unrelated to global “events”, and partly due to a failed relationship). Idk if it makes it easier, but you’re faaar from alone in it. Just live through the biggest of this, because when things clump up they feel much worse than they are.

mahathu• 5 years ago

Going by your username, are you German as well?

I'm also going through a breakup right now, albeit from a shorter relationship. I was happy to spend Christmas with my sister to have some illusion of a functional family, it was nice. It feels unbearable at times but I try to find solace in the fact the world is so vast and full of opportunity and so much more than what you're (I am) able to see in the current moment. Your plan to study to become a programmer sounds great and you'll be in a much different place in a year than you are now. Hope you can pull through until then.

abzug17• 5 years ago

Not german, just love the Kraftwerk song.

koonsolo• 5 years ago

Hang in there!

I also had a dark period some years back. Such things can sure mess with your ego and make you feel like a loser.

On the other hand, when you hit rock bottom, there is not much left to lose. You can start building up your life again the way you want.

abzug17• 5 years ago

If you're nobody, you can be anything you want to.

sidcool• 5 years ago

Stay strong. I don't know your circumstances, but it's never too late to forgive or to ask for forgiveness. It's never too late to accept or redeem yourself.

Merry Christmas, bro/sis.

ejanus2• 5 years ago

Keep living tomorrow will be better.

AviationAtom2• 5 years ago

You can't always control much in life, but one thing I've learned that you can always control is perspective. Sometimes it's nice to be the "This Is Fine" dog, blissfully ignoring all that isn't right, and focusing on what is (that cup-o-joe in front of you?) Doing that can help when awaiting calmer seas.

Hang in there. I think the past two years have been rough for many, so you aren't alone in the struggles. If you haven't already gotten diet and exercise to a good point then that can also be good for helping both the body and the mind.

Additionally, I'm always up for a chat, if anyone ever needs someone to reach out to.

cseleborg• 5 years ago

Hang in there! Mental health is serious business, I hope you have a good professional you can turn to.

Programming is a great distractions, as others have pointed out. Make sure you don't use it to completely displace the pain you're feeling. You need to spend some time with it as well, that's how we humans deal with an it. Alternating between moments of distraction and periods of "dealing" is a good middle way, I think.

You're a great human being, never forget that.

abzug17• 5 years ago

I just want to do something to move on.

framecowbird• 5 years ago

This is great advice, I often use programming to distract myself from some pain or other. It can be a useful tool but can also become a long-term avoidance which isn't healthy.

XIVMagnus• 5 years ago

Being single is a blessing on its own, merry xmas!

hsavit1• 5 years ago

it shouldn't be required to have a social circle to enjoy the holiday season, if people truly extended christmas greetings and cheer to others around them. unfortunately since the 1950s, christmas has evolved into a commercial and transactional affair.

Cyril_HN• 5 years ago

Same here but it's a 5 year relationship. Similar feelings... With a persistent, almost frustrating sense of hope for the future that seems more deeply rooted inside of me than any actual plan to build from zero again.

You're not alone in that experience. Which isn't information that has helped me at all. Except that I at least believe that others have been here and scrambled blindly and made it somehow too, so why not us?

headmelted• 5 years ago

I realise you didn’t post this looking for advice (and I apologise if this is unwelcome), but if I can relate one small thing from my own personal mental health nadir:

Walk. Outdoors. In the greenest place you can find.

No, it won’t change anything that you’ve been through, but it really will help you to quiet everything for a small chunk of time to let your mind get a rest from it.

Please don’t ever think you’re inadequate. No-one, not even you, as any idea what might be waiting in your future :-)

abzug17• 5 years ago

No need to apologize.

Thanks for the help and kind words.

sfjailbird• 5 years ago

To add to this great advice, if you feel lazy to start, get a good audio book and listen as you walk. It becomes a kind of reward for going for a walk, you get a chapter or two of a great book.

greggman3• 5 years ago

Walk. Outdoors. In the greenest place you can find.

Then my allergies will flair up and I'll have a miserable 1-2 days of recovery and be hating life. No thanks

uid-nobody• 5 years ago

I think going alone for a walk is a really bad idea/advice. I've always felt way worse after doing that because there is nothing to distract it so you just chew yourself up or at least that's how I do it.

whalesalad• 5 years ago

Have you familiarized yourself with Complex-PTSD?

You’re just as worthy of life on this earth as anything else. Hang in there!

swat535• 5 years ago

I was exactly in your situation 2 years ago (at the start of COVID) and I know what you're going through. I'm not going to tell you to "stay strong" , emotions are a natural thing and should not be suppressed and it's ok to be vulnerable.

However, there are a few things that helped me get through the dark times, I am writing them below in the hopes that you may find them useful:

1. Exercise, this is absolutely critical. If you have never done it, it's ok, Julian has a great guide to get started: https://www.julian.com/guide/muscle/intro but there are also lots of guides online.

2. Nutrition is another one, stay away from junk food. Your brain will try to find comfort in high calorie / sugary foods, don't let it win. Eat vegetables and proteins instead.

3. Sleep is a tough one, but also important. Do whatever you need to sleep (exercising will help a lot). Your brain will keep you up at night, learn to recognize this pattern and avoid it when you can.

4. Make a plan. Grab a blank sheet of paper and think of one goal you would like to accomplish, then make the task into smaller sub tasks and from there derive a schedule for achieving it. This will help you stay productive and improve your state of mind.

5. Research. This oddly helped me a lot, I started researching psychology, relationships, listened to "dating" advice (I know.. some speakers were good, some were trash but I enjoyed them nonetheless), TED talks, books, etc.

6. Join communities. If you're an introvert like I am, this is difficult at first but you can start slow. I did this slowly, made a few friends online, then worked up the courage to join discord, then started messaging some of my old friends on Facebook, then had some phone calls and eventually met people face to face (whenever COVID restrictions would allow of course)

7. Don't reach out to your ex, when she/he calls you (and they will) don't respond, avoid contact with their families, don't read old messages, delete their picture, etc Trust me, you have been shot with high caliber rounds right now, you need to heal and they will only get in the way of it.

TedDoesntTalk2• 5 years ago

I went from a completely sedentary desk life to running a half-marathon in 7 months (includes a 1 month groin injury). On a treadmill, training myself.

You can do it, too, and the effect on mood is spectacular. In fact the effect on mood comes way before a half-marathon. So don’t get overwhelmed and think you have to do that much.

abzug17• 5 years ago

Thank you so much for this. I'm already doing some (2, 4, 5) others are planned for 2022 (1, 3, 6). But 7 is brutal. I was going to propose but things changed.

Anyway, again: thank you very much. This is very appreciated. Very kind of you.

dqpb• 5 years ago

You’re not alone, but you are unique. You’re existence is the only thing that can compute what comes next on this trajectory. There is a space of possibilities ahead of you that never have and never will be available to anyone else, ever. As such, you are infinitely and uniquely valuable.

jliptzin• 5 years ago

Don’t feel like a failure over the relationship. Remember the default state of relationships is failure, well over 50% break up or the couple is miserable but still stay together anyway for various reasons. Try to learn from any mistakes you made when you get into the next one.

garyrob• 5 years ago

I had some absolutely miserable times, which your comment reminds me of, when I was in my 20's. I'm 65 now, and my two grown kids have come to stay with my wife and my for Christmas. We played a board game for hours last night, like when they were young, and had lots of laughter together...

My point is that what you're going through will pass. It does take work; so keep up doing the things you know must be done to move your life ahead. You have received lots of good advice in this thread; I don't need to say more (except one thing I will add at the end). Do what you need to do, and this period will be over, and life will be good.

My one piece of advice is that I've found meditation is very helpful. It enables me to let go of negative thinking that arises from painful times decades ago, when those thoughts do arise. It's a very important part of my life now.

markdjacobsen• 5 years ago

I'm sorry you're going through this. I went through a dark night of the soul a few years ago amidst some professional setbacks. More recently, I've been on the edge of losing my 17-year marriage; we are still exploring whether reconciliation is possible.

The vulnerability, honesty, and goodwill in threads like this always warms my heart and bolsters my faith in humanity. I'll offer my own contribution. I wrote a deeply personal book called "Eating Glass" about navigating these seasons when everything seems to fall apart. I mention it from time to time on HN when I think it could be helpful, but today I'll just post the entire book for free: https://s3.us-west-1.amazonaws.com/com.markdjacobsen/Eating+.... My passion is just to help others walking similar journeys. Consider it a resource if it's helpful.

I wish you well on your own journey, and everyone else going through similar experiences.

mrich• 5 years ago

thanks for the book, very kind of you. it is rated 4.9/5 stars in Amazon too!

AnonHP2• 5 years ago

Thank you so much for sharing your book! That’s very generous of you. I hope you’re able to get through your current challenges too.

dpweb• 5 years ago

Alone also, and that's ok. Don't be afraid to seek out help when you need it.

29athrowaway• 5 years ago

My philosophy is to try to make an effort to make the best decisions you can make given what's available to you: your values, information and resources. When you live your life trying your best, you will be able to tell your future self that you did the best you could given each situation, and have no regrets.

Why? because even if your decision was mistaken, it was the best decision you could have made at that time.

KrishnaShripad• 5 years ago

May all good things come your way!

hmate9• 5 years ago

Merry Christmas to you fellow HN stranger <3

apatters• 5 years ago

Employee, significant other, these are roles we may adopt at certain stages in our lives, but they're certainly not everything. They represent only a fraction of your potential.

Another way to look at things is that you've just gained a tremendous amount of agency. You're no longer required to perform these roles. There are surely dreams or opportunities out there which you wanted to pursue but were never able to. Take whatever amount of time you feel is appropriate to grieve, it's very normal to experience distress in the face of radical change. Then pursue them. There won't be many times in your life when you're presented with a clean slate like this.

mdip2• 5 years ago

You are not alone; at least,... your struggles are shared. I haven't lost the job, but lost an 8-year relationship at the beginning of the month (about 7 days before my birthday). I'm guessing your mental health issues might originate from those events, or maybe not; I can't speak to those, personally -- I'm experiencing my share of depression, but I know it's because of my circumstances.

You're still alive, but you probably don't feel like you're living. Maybe life is becoming a bit like getting from one difficult thing to the next. And those "things" aren't anything that is normally difficult, but feels overwhelming. I've both been there recently and have been there, in the past. It's tough and my heart goes out to you.

Most advice is bad so here comes mine: get from one thing to the next for a little while. Take the time. You need it. And understand one thing: you're not special[0]. Whatever mistakes you're beating yourself up over many, many others have made and experienced the same or worse circumstances. The very vast majority overcome those mistakes, and many do it without medication, doctors or other treatment[1].

And then there's "later" -- whatever that is: During a divorce group meeting a gentleman said something that greatly affected my life: Whether its winning the lottery or becoming a quadriplegic, the happiness of both individuals looks pretty similar a year later. Neither have ever happened to me, but in my own life, that 1-year rule was something that time-and-again proved to be true. And my timeline is typically 3-4 months, not one year. As they say, "this too shall pass".

I've lost a great job in the past. I found a better one. I lost a pretty rough relationship, not by choice, to the point that I'm not interested in doing that again. I hate being alone[2], but I know that the sting will fade and I'll start dating, again. And I know there's someone who will want to share life with me in a way that is more fulfilling than my former relationship was.

Easily the biggest factor, for me, was re-discovering my Christian faith. I realize there aren't a lot of us in this place and I'm not interested in being preachy -- to each his own -- but its really the only thing I can credit with getting me through a really rough tragedy about a decade ago. It wasn't "being surrounded by other caring people at church" which caused me to be less lonely or made my life better because of that. I don't put myself out there very easily. I didn't know anyone at my church and didn't meet anyone until well after those circumstances passed. It was prayers, all of which were answered, several of which were answered in ways that I refer to them as miracles. Yeah, yeah, I can explain them as coincidences, too. They're not but I'm not going to attempt to defend that.

The only other bit of advice I'd offer is stay as far away from alcohol or other mind altering substances as much as you can. One of the ways out is finding a purpose for your life to replace the ones you've lost. This will be impossible if you add another layer of resistance on top of the problems you already have. You lost. You're not a loser. You had a 7-year relationship. You had a job. Those came from something you did and you probably had far more success in those places than you had failure, but you won't be able to see that clearly right now.

I'm praying for you and your circumstances. This time of year really amplifies loneliness. I'm right here with you.

Merry Christmas!

[0] I chose that word intentionally, not insultingly. When I'm depressed it's easy to feel like I'm the only one who's going through what I'm going through and that I'm uniquely cursed. Somehow using the word "special" to describe that situation makes it seem a little less difficult.

[1] I'm not saying don't do this -- I see a psychologist, regularly, now and have been doing that for a few years. Finding a good psychologist changed my life and it might help you, too. I only mention this because it helps to get past the whole "I'm too depressed to call a doctor/doctors, so I'm going to be stuck here forever".

[2] To clarify: I like alone time, I don't like "being alone". My family all lives pretty far away, I have few friends close by, I have a 3-bedroom house with "just me", I have my children part-time. I spend a lot of time stuck with my thoughts these days, but comparing today to 3 weeks ago, I'm happy a lot of the time now -- maybe most of the time.

abzug17• 5 years ago

Thank you for the kind words, a lot resonated with me.

apbytes• 5 years ago

Hang in there! And to add to what others have said, I found it extremely helpful to stay away from sad music, romantic shows, etc. until you feel strong again. And keep your body moving!

andrei_says_• 5 years ago

Glad you’re alive. Another virtual hug from a stranger on the internet.

sizzle• 5 years ago

I’m sorry, what was the nature of what caused you to lose all of this, so we can learn from it and possibly avoid catastrophe?

mbrodersen3• 5 years ago

That hit me hard. I am not in the same position at all but can feel what it must feel like. I have been in a few really bad situations in the past and strangely what helped me was realising that I had hit rock bottom but was still breathing and capable of doing things. So things could only get better.

jaeyson• 5 years ago

Tough life right there @abzug. we're here: here's another virtual hug from another country.

Yeri• 5 years ago

mindcrime• 5 years ago

Same. I plan to sleep in today (haven't even gone to bed yet, still up from the 24th). I finished up watching Doctor Who: Flux a little while ago, about to head to bed, and when I get up later today after sleeping for a while I'm just going to go fish for a bit, come back home, cook, and spend the rest of the day vegging out and watching Netflix, Prime, whatever, maybe do some reading, yadda yadda. My family all live a few hours away and I don't feel like a road-trip, so this is just a little mini vacation (stay-cation) for me and some time to veg out, relax, and do whatever-the-fuck-I-want-with-no-obligations for a little while.

So yes, I'll be spending most of my time alone, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

Anyway, have a "Merry Christmas", or "Happy Holidays" or "Happy Festivus" or whatever holiday greeting you desire from me. And a virtual hug as well.

ilaksh2• 5 years ago

Netflix had some recent stuff zi recommend: The Witcher (new season), Don't Look Up, and Arcane.

acomjean2• 5 years ago

“A festivus for the rest of us”

I got to get my aluminum pile from the crawl space for next year.

https://youtu.be/1njzgXSzA-A

Looking at this again in context of this thread no it’s commentary becomes clearer.

gigatexal3• 5 years ago

Thank you for doing this! It’s so important to reach out to be seen to be connected.

If anyone is alone and wants to shoot the shit to get through this holiday email me terminal dot recluse at gmail dot com

touchngthevodka• 5 years ago

Thanks. You too. I lost my partner of 3.5 years recently and this will be my first Christmas since it happened. I'm with family but it doesn't come anywhere close to filling the hole they left.

Merry christmas.

rnoorda• 5 years ago

Each Christmas Eve, I watch The Muppet Christmas Carol as a personal tradition. This year, this exchange with the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come stood out to me:

Scrooge: Oh, Spirit. Must there be a Christmas that brings this awful scene? How can they endure it?
Bob Crachit: It's all right, children. Life is made up of meetings and partings. That is the way of it. I am sure we shall never forget Tiny Tim or this first parting that there was among us.

I don't know how you can endure it, and I don't know how you can fill that hole. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

junon• 5 years ago

Seth Everman has a Christmas stream for exactly this this year. If you're into gaming or music, he's your guy. Super funny dude. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2UmnWZRiLVs

I'll be there too :)

wyclif3• 5 years ago

There was a Category 5 Typhoon in in the Philippines where I am last week. The power was out and there was no electricity, refrigeration, or internet for a week. One of the transformers in my neibourhood blew out and got destroyed, and at 6pm on Christmas Eve they replaced it and we finally had power! I'm a software developer with a wife and two kids and we have a lot to be thankful for. We survided COVID-19 and a Category 5 hurricane.

wiz21c• 5 years ago

Totally OT, but what is it like to be inside a Category 5 hurricane ?

ausudhz2• 5 years ago

Inside you feel nothing, is at the edges the problem

wyclif3• 5 years ago

It's just "batten down the hatches" time, to use a nautical analogy, and you close, tighten up, or nail down anything on the outside of your house or in your yard that you can. Then you lie low and wait for the worst. There were very high winds (120+mph) and rain so hard that I could barely see my hand in front of my face, and lots of downed trees and flooding. I've never seen so much crap lying on the ground before when it was over. We didn't have any home damage because our house is made of concrete. But a lot of Filipinos lost their homes because they tend to build with light materials (bamboo, wood, corrugated tin).

ohyeshedid• 5 years ago

Not OP, but:

Ancient oak trees, with canopies the size of houses, gingerly cartwheeling down the street, until a wind shift sends it rolling through the neighbors(empty) house. Watching their entire lives evaporate into projectiles that peppered everything downwind.

Modern garage door being sucked out, thrown over the house, to impale itself into the house behind it, evaporating it a few seconds later.

Large trucks, turning side-over-side, like logs rolling down a hill.

A cast iron bench being launched like a rocket into a neighbors window, turning the contents of that room, window, frame, and window air conditioner into a debris field; something from with-which punched a hole through a stop sign.

The roof of my house being lifted 6-10 inches directly upward, rotated about 30 degrees, and slammed back down. Like a sonic boom went off 10ft over-head.

Front support column being blown through my living room window, glass embedding itself into the walls opposite.

The physics of your everyday environment radically and violently change, you see things that you can't see anywhere else. I was on a few drugs while everything was going on, and there's so much more, but none of that was what really messed me up.

I don't know if other people have ever seen something that their brain couldn't understand at all. Like all context does not exist, this is entirely new to human experience kinda thing:

My house had a big ditch behind it, then a set of train tracks that were about a foot lower than my land grade, then another big ditch, then a state park. A very large state park that was miles and miles of ancient oaks, swamps, etc.

I walked out behind my house when the storm cleared, and I froze because I couldn't understand what I was seeing: Imagine an eldritch-old forest, you see it everyday, and now where an impenetrable wall of wood was, is now white horizon. It had been flattened, or erased. My eyes were seeing the white horizon while my brain was struggling with my memory and anticipation. It's the most disassociated I've ever felt without advanced chemistry.

jiux• 5 years ago

Glad to hear recovery being made… this typhoon was a bad one.

sAbakumoff2• 5 years ago

XMass is just an artificially distinctive day designed to sell more stuff to people. Why do guys even care about being or not being alone?

Smaug123• 5 years ago

Christmas is ancient. As long as there has been winter, people have had a festival during its deepest depths, to remind them that the spring will come.

Chris20483• 5 years ago

Much of the Christmas tradition is pagan/roman:

https://www.britannica.com/story/why-is-christmas-in-decembe...

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saturnalia

bromuro• 5 years ago

Don’t forget on the other side of the planet is summer :)

hahamrfunnyguy• 5 years ago

For most people that celebrate the holiday, it's a day to spend time with friends and family. I am not Christian, but I still celebrate the holiday with my family. It's the only time of year I see certain family members. It's a convenient time to do this because everyone else is taking time off to do the same.

If someone is used to do doing this and is unable to, it's not hard to see why they would feel lonely.

I chose not to visit with friends and family last year due to covid but I didn't feel lonely. I observed some of my usual traditions like preparing some fancier than usual food and drink, zoomed and played games online with friends and family and had a nice and relaxing day.

curious_cat_1632• 5 years ago

This is people being people. Choosing to be merry on a day that they somehow found a way to assign a meaning to. You could argue that this is not a choice but for many it is.

One could choose another day, it just happens to be this day. :)

Klaster_1• 5 years ago

I feel you and hug back. To me, celebrations and gatherings were always more stressful and awkward rather than fun and something to look forward to, but at least I got to see what friends and family I had. After moving cities, the only people who I talk to eye to eye are coworkers and service personnel, state holidays became extra weekends.

boramalper2• 5 years ago

Dubliners are welcome to join our get together tonight, shoot me an email!

Chris20483• 5 years ago

But do you have a venue? Wouldn't everything be closed?

boramalper2• 5 years ago

Hosting a small dinner at my house. :)

ljm• 5 years ago

All alone here too.

Truth be told, it would take some effort to trust someone enough to spend it with them now. I can thank my own family (back when I considered them family) for that.

Now I just make my own dinner, play some video games, and chill out. Took a fair few years to get there though.

ilaksh2• 5 years ago

My take on this is that the stigma of being alone is based on false premises. All it takes is to prioritize other things a little bit like your work, your side projects, your own beliefs, or even self-respect, over social efforts.

Another aspect I will put out there is that often these days the people we have the most in common with are just on the internet and not physically nearby. I think it's quite wrong to think that online interactions aren't meaningful.

1_player• 5 years ago

Same here, my plan for today is JWST launch, junk food, video games (I got into Battle Brothers, it keeps kicking my ass) and possibly a video call with family later today. Enjoy your December 25th people!

deepersprout• 5 years ago

I think this whole christmas thing makes a lot of people feel alone and depressed. I hate that. Posts like these make me think this even more. I am alone, and I like it. I can play Warzone and code some stuff I wanted to finish. I can do things I like. I know this may sound stupid, but if you feel alone, don't. There is no reason to. It's just a day like many others. There is really nothing to it.

And we don't need "Christmas" for a virtual hug. We can do that every day of the year.

precommunicator• 5 years ago

It's a weird feeling. I like to be alone but I don't know, this Christmas I have the weird feeling of mix of sadness and loneliness. Usually I don't care, but somehow this stuff comes to me. Even that those are not my first, second or even third Christmas alone, I don't celebrate them, and I'm atheist.

acomjean2• 5 years ago

People even those that like being alone or have a hard time with others (I have family members like this), sometimes like being social. The short days of winter effect some people (vitamin D?) and I think the pandemic has exacerbated this. I notice a lot of the little interactions I used to have are gone although not really deep I miss them.

300bps• 5 years ago

I have the weird feeling of mix of sadness and loneliness

I think everyone has that to a different extent during the holidays.

I am very much not alone but for many of us this time of year made quite a positive impression on us when we were a kid. It’s hard not to yearn for those days especially if we’ve lost a parent or other family member in the interim.

ragingrobot3• 5 years ago

I have been feeling the same, and I'm in the same situation on all accounts. I think it may be all that has been going on the past months is just starting to now manifest itself in these feelings.

I also noticed that in instances where the one or two families still home on my block who had friends or family pull up I felt kind of envious, which has never happened before.

pixelbreaker2• 5 years ago

Agreed, posts like this exacerbate the feeling of being alone.

I'm alone this Christmas, and it's bloody great, a morning of simracing, followed by pizza and a nap then maybe watch die hard.

A large proportion of people seem to make the assumption that being with family is amazing and everyone should do it. But if your family are largely arseholes, then why waste your time and energy?

FourthProtocol2• 5 years ago

This so much. My wife and son are in France with the parents in-law. I refused to go because racism and bigotry and, and, and... I have also loved being alone my entire life. I made a bird feeder this morning.

DeusExMachina• 5 years ago

You might think you are helping people, but you are not.

You can't argue against solitude. If people feel alone, it's because they would like to be around others, but can't.

Telling them not to feel that way "just because" is useless, and telling them they should feel like you do because you decided it's better is just condescending.

FourthProtocol2• 5 years ago

Being christmas I feel being charitable is apropos. You're right, and GP means well.

thoms_a3• 5 years ago

It depends on your perspective. The extant reality is that we are all alone, although we perform incredible feats of mental gymnastics to convince ourselves otherwise.

OP has decided to simply rip off the band-aid, and accept reality. This is very painful in the short term, but incredible fulfilling in the long-term.

Human existence is individual existence. Human survival is group survival, but that is another matter entirely. Presently, our societies are not structured to incentivize survival (quite the opposite, in fact). The dissatisfaction expressed in this discussion is a result of this dissonance. However, individuals can rarely alter the behavior of society, and as such, investing one's energies in this direction is often destructive. This iteration of society will cease to exist, and the society which survives it will by necessity value relationships and fecundity. However, societies can stay unhealthy far longer than individuals can remain sane. Therefore, it is best to accept solitude, and be pleasantly surprised, than to dread it and suffer.

cblconfederate2• 5 years ago

If people feel alone, it's because they would like to be around others, but can't.

Partly. People may genuinely want to be alone, but the culture spewed by the media says that everyone is social and happy and warm and fuzzy this time of the year, like, they must be, to the point where it's wrong not to be. Hollywood-style culture has done many numbers on society, this is one of them.

pferdone• 5 years ago

I get your point of view, but for a lot of people it's not. Friends leave for family, life comes to a hold in a lot of countries (shops closed etc.) and the whole vibe created around this day screams togetherness (family, friends, and so on). Some people don't need it. But there can be people that feel left out, although they like to be left alone, because everyone suddenly adjusts to that time and they don't.

What I'm trying to say, why do we not just take posts like these and accept that it can do something positive for people. Nothing more nothing less. This bit by Ricky Gervais perfectly sums your post up for me: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L3dxMGzt5mU

AnonHP2• 5 years ago

It's just a day like many others. There is really nothing to it.

For most of the western world and all the countries where Christmas is a big holiday season, it’s just not a day like any other. It’s one of those few times in a year when families get together, and in the case of the above mentioned countries, people travel far to meet and be with others. The people who do this may not be Christian or believe in Christmas either, but it’s traditionally become a time to meet and spend time with others. Since a lot of the world population lives in the Northern Hemisphere, where it’s usually winter (like) time around Christmas and kinda cold and/or gloomy, it makes a lot of sense for a species like homo sapiens to spend time indoors with others and find some comfort that they cannot readily find stepping outside.

I’m not saying that all this is universally true, but at this time, wherever you find people either trying to be with family and extended family or are unhappy that they aren’t able to, this is the culture. Anyone who doesn’t feel this way could potentially be made to feel as the odd one out or feel excluded from communities.

Considering how the nearly two-year-long pandemic has turned social lives and traditions into non-events, I think we need to comfort people virtually. It costs almost nothing.

dheera• 5 years ago

Definitely.

It's also not helping that Facebook seems to be shadowbanning me sometimes and not showing my content to my own friends.

This seems to be a new widespread problem since a couple months ago, because I click into some friends' profiles and see things that were never in my feed on those days.

matt892• 5 years ago

People can be "alone" but not feel "lonely". But you can definitely still feel "lonely" both while being alone and around others

I think this post addresses the feeling of loneliness rather than any specific alone/not alone situation. And feelings are really hard to get rid of, so it's not actually that easy to just "not feel" something.

Feelings like this should be analysed, understood and maybe slowly accepted as part of life, and then people usually can find some kind of peace and happiness.

AviationAtom2• 5 years ago

Organizing a Christmas virtual video drop-in meeting of folks feeling isolated sounds like a worthy way to offer some company

mym19902• 5 years ago

Almost every major holiday is hyper commercialized and stresses people being together and buying things for each other, etc… so from that standpoint it definitely exacerbates the feeling of loneliness for some who can’t/don’t participate. But I don’t think telling someone to just “not feel alone” is a viable solution. Loneliness and being alone are different things. Plenty of people love being alone and in their own thing, plenty of people do not love being lonely.

tayo422• 5 years ago

I kind of don't like gift giving... I feel stressed trying to like gifts that were given to me that I don't need (In general im bothered by unnecessary plastic and consumerism, im kind of minimal) If i do want something I know what particular thing i want and just get it my self. i get stressed by gift giving, trying to pick something worth while and something someone wants.

trentnix• 5 years ago

I think this whole christmas thing makes a lot of people feel alone and depressed. I hate that.

My children think “this whole Christmas thing” is the very best day of the year. And there is nothing that brings me more joy than watching them make memories they’ll cherish all of their days - memories like the ones I made when I was a kid. So no, it is not a day like many others. It’s Christmas, and it’s special to me and mine.

I have genuine sadness that you don’t share in the same joy my children experience in the the wonder and joy this Holiday brings. But I find it contemptible that you would diminish the joy others have in Christmas in order to justify your own malcontent.

Other people’s joy is not your problem and not something that needs fixing.

asdf_snar• 5 years ago

I took the post as just being part of any other day, it just coincidentally happened that it's Christmas, and out of the blue after my partner of four years with whom I had planned to move across the ocean, buy a house and have kids with, broke up with me yesterday. I think you have a solid point, that there's no reason to put holidays on a pedestal. But in this case, hey, who cares -- it really helped to read everything people here had to say. Being suddenly alone and without familiar warmth makes NYC feel so desperately lonely.

mongol• 5 years ago

Fortunately I have never been alone at Christmas, but plenty New Years Eves. I think I can relate but I think these events are quite different, one is mostly about family, and the other mostly about friends. Wish you a pleasant holiday no matter where you are.

siva7• 5 years ago

A holiday is only as important as you make it. There are lots of people who don't give a damn about which holiday it is because it bears no meaning to them and still are perfectly chilled friends. There is nothing wrong with that

manuelabeledo• 5 years ago

I feel you. Haven’t been with my family for almost three years now, although I’m lucky I have my wife and children with me. Let’s hope next year gets better!

axegon_• 5 years ago

Don't sweat it. I generally ignore holidays: I don't care about them. I spent this Christian with my parents largely because they insisted. I think with age I start carrying less and less about holidays. When I was 20, spending say new years alone sounded like a nightmare. At 32 last new year, I spent it on the couch with my dog watching movies and building a huge ass Lego set and to be completely honest it was probably my best new years eve.

yodsanklai• 5 years ago

Same here... I've spent so many xmas/nye alone that I'm totally indifferent to it. It's really like any other day. Also I can use the holiday to rest or travel to warm countries instead of over-eating and drinking.

upstarter3• 5 years ago

Nobody in this World has ever been alone.

Everybody has their team of guides in the higher dimensions, and they are never on vacation, they are present every second of every day and every night.

You just need to learn to perceive them and to connect to them.

trkaky• 5 years ago

Thanks for pointing out something not so obvious for everyone. I'm trying hard to stay connected. Peace.

amcoastal2• 5 years ago

If you're reading this don't take this advice, its really bad. Unless you don't believe in anything, you have to believe in something. If you can't believe in yourself, mythical beings isn't a terrible place to start.

iammjm2• 5 years ago

Yikes

goodpoint• 5 years ago

Everybody has their team of guides in the higher dimensions

Citation needed.

I'd rather be reminded that we share the planet with 7.9 billion other humans. A tiny planet all alone in an immense universe.

On this planet we are all alone, together.

upstarter3• 5 years ago

Citation needed.

_Experience needed_ is what you're actually saying. For those living exclusively in the material dimension and who are thus having a hard time with the subtle dimensions, psychedelics may give you that break-through experience that you need as a starting point.

KptMarchewa• 5 years ago

Yikes.

kello• 5 years ago

Thank you so much for this! I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas spending it exactly the way you want to.

ecornflak• 5 years ago

My mum died in January and my Dad died a couple of weeks ago. We didn’t do much for Christmas as a family but I keep thinking of the interesting things to tell my Dad about that he’s not around to tell.

He’d almost certainly be watching the James Webb Telescope launch

ethbr04• 5 years ago

I'm sorry for your losses. That's an incredibly tough year. :(

In my thinking, we live on in those who knew us. So he's cheering it on through you.

glitchcrab• 5 years ago

My dad also died a couple of weeks ago, but I feel like I've handled it fairly well (better than expected anyway). We used to talk quite a bit and I too keep finding myself thinking that I must tell him about things I've seen or read; you're not alone. Hope you're doing ok today.

LilBytes• 5 years ago

I'm glad you're feeling well all things considered. If or perhaps when that changes, don't hold it against yourself.

That type of grief is humbling, initially destructive and absolutely crippling. I've experienced that loss and found the highs and lows to be challenging, but what ever feelings you have, you're not alone. It doesn't get easier, but, the pain does become familiar and less frequent.

Best of luck to you.

ostenning• 5 years ago

The passage of time is beyond daunting. The idea that in the blink of an eye my parents will be gone has never felt more true after being isolated from them and my home country for the past two years because of covid. My heart sincerely goes out to you.

devbas• 5 years ago

So sorry to hear about your losses. Sending you a virtual hug through cyberspace.

listless• 5 years ago

My dad died in April this year. I have the same exact feeling where I see something and my first thought is, “I gotta talk to dad about this” and before that thought Is even complete I remember that, I can’t.

I’m sorry for your loss. You’re not alone.

Toutouxc2• 5 years ago

I'm visiting my parents in a few hours and it's probably going to suck. We've really been drifting apart since they found out I was vaccinated and actually taking Covid seriously. Ugly things were said about me being a dumb sheep brainwashed by uni education etc.

Anyway, I'm joining the virtual all-HN hug. Some people have it worse, and if you (the person reading this) are one of those people, I want you to know that you matter and I want you to be safe and know that whatever is going on WILL blow over one day.

If it helps to make you feel better, feel free to write me an email (contact in profile) about the things on your mind.

mbrodersen3• 5 years ago

If your views on Covid overrule your parents love for you then there wasn’t much love in the first place.

Toutouxc2• 5 years ago

I know what you mean, but this is actually not the case. I had a wonderful childhood and my parents are caring, loving people who supported me throughout uni and have always been, I believe, quite proud of me. Somewhere around 2019-2020 they both got hit by this huge wall of Qanon, pro-Russia and later anti-vax propaganda all mixed together into one clusterfuck conspiracy theory and they've been riding that wave since. That's the most terrifying thing about all this, they're both very normal and above-average intelligent people, my mum even has a master's degree.

xkbarkar• 5 years ago

I spent christmas alone in a hotel. It was my choice over meeting family who wanted masks, rapid tests etc before meeting for christmas. I have followed every single piece of mandate for two years. Including double dose Moderna that I still have ptsd from. I am done, I had ribs a glass of cognac and witcher marathon alone in a 4 star hotel instead. Best christmas in a long time. Happy holidays to all and wish a wonderful 2022 to all of you.

Chris20483• 5 years ago

But why in a hotel?

k8sToGo• 5 years ago

Because better than spending alone time at home sometimes.

bartvk2• 5 years ago

Sounds like quite the treat! All the best for 2022 to you as well!

phtrivier• 5 years ago

Good luck to all those who're lonely and sad about it. Hopefully this won't last, or you'll find a way to make the best of it.

If you're in a position to have a sense of humor about it, think about how you're skipping all the Christmas diner conversations that are going to be even tougher this year, now that the world has turned into a real-life Facebook argument !

Cheers and take care of yourselves !

unyttigfjelltol• 5 years ago

On the plus side, holiday time off provides ample time to address problems, to lay the groundwork for a different-- I won't say better-- tomorrow.

iammjm2• 5 years ago

This year I decided to finally stop participating in other people's illusions. I was raised Catholic but stopped believing about 15 years ago. Still, each year I went through the motions. This year I thought: I don't believe, I don't care, so why bother? This feels quite liberating and I'm proud of myself

technothrasher• 5 years ago

Good for you! It’s so liberating to realize you don’t have to be pressured into pretending to be somebody you’re not, and there’s nothing wrong with being you.

Of course, you can still enjoy Christmas without being into any of the religious stuff, if you wish. I’ve been an atheist since I realized religion wasn’t for me at about the age of six, and Christmas is actually fun for me because there’s no pressure. It’s just a bullshit holiday like any of the others and an excuse to celebrate, or not. If you don’t like it, you can just ignore parts or all of it.

maverick743• 5 years ago

What made you stop believing? Any special event that you would like to share?

I believe that it all comes down to "Love". That's the key. All other "rules" are mostly human-made. Your relationship with God is just that: a relationship between you and God. And that's YOUR business and God's!

I too was raised a Catholic, but there are many places where priests are not as good as they should be.

I think I'm lucky on that, that I had a good priest for the biggest part of my life. I developed interest in finding out more and, for the most part, most lay people's common knowledge is wrong.

God does not want you locked up in a bunch of rules. God (even being apparently very absent) wants you to be happy thru Love. And that's all! (and, funny enough, the catholic church does defend that! It's just very sad they miss by a lot to put that into practice - but, then again, they are humans as well...).

thoms_a3• 5 years ago

The "bunch of rules" are guidelines laid out by the supposed creator of reality, who loves you and wishes for you to live in congruence with your true nature.

You can ignore the guidelines, but that will come at a cost (mostly to yourself). That is how I understand Catholic virtues. The desire to rebel against this is the same instinct every child has when their parent tells them to brush their teeth and not binge-eat Halloween candy.

But to each his own, rebellion is a compelling source of identity for the young. Not so much later in life.

schwartzworld• 5 years ago

Interesting. I have the exact opposite situation. I would love a December without Christmas. Once my kids are older, I'll be opting out of the holiday permanently, and I'll probably start going away for the whole month of December.

civilized• 5 years ago

If you're reading this, you're welcome in Christmas spirit to my house with my wife and two little ones and our little Christmas tree and our piano. We'll be doing our best to keep the kids busy as we have been and will be this long holiday break from school :)

wruza2• 5 years ago

Hey, I didn’t even think of it before reading this post. Hug to everyone who did!

devoutsalsa• 5 years ago

I hope I'm alone, or someone is getting a free show. I'm not wearing pants.

Also, Merry Christmas!

ausudhz2• 5 years ago

Go live on twitch! Oh oh oh

fxtentacle• 5 years ago

Your situation is way more common than you probably think. My IRC and discord channels have been very lively in the past 24h. Lots of shared good mood by people celebrating "alone by body, but not by mind".

xmaas• 5 years ago

I hear what you're saying, OP. Also spending Christmas alone here, but to me it's just another day too. Also, I'm not really a fan of Christmas anyway.

We're bombarded with so many messages about Christmas being a time of happiness and togetherness, but it's with false intent; it's mostly all about guilting people into buying unnecessary consumer products for their loved ones, and increasing revenues for retailers.

Christmas was stolen from the Christians and had the act of collective worship for their saviour - a genuine feeling of coming together as one with a community - replaced with secular commercialism.

The modern icon of Christmas, Santa Claus, favours the rich above the poor, is used to promote a narrow and capitalist view of a worthwhile family time, and wasn't even crucified. Even as an atheist, I feel quite bad for the Christians that their festival has been upended with this nonsense.

These days, I only wish Christians a Merry Christmas. Everyone else can just enjoy their Happy Holidays or Good Winterval or whatever.

andreisbc• 5 years ago

I'm looking to move and work in the US this year, together with my wife (she's a phd, I'm a dropout, both coming from the EU). Our plan is to grow a remote dev team to build cool products. We have access to professionals and can also tap into universities for promising students. If anyone feels like Santa, I can share my Linkedin profile. Best wishes

pulse7• 5 years ago

I am inviting you to come to my family! From "UK" in your username I see you are just one Ryan Air flight away from us...

trevorishere7• 5 years ago

This Christmas is significantly different for me. Normally it would be filled with friends and family, but not this year.

I succeeded in hiking >10 miles yesterday and today, legs willing, I'll be at least spending part of the day in the PacNW forests to keep the depression at bay.

JWST was my Christmas present. I'm happy to see we've got final separation and the last view of the telescope. If anything, it's the best thing I could ask for today.

zeusk2• 5 years ago

aren't there snow storms out here in PacNW? do you have a blog where you document your journey through the forests?

bruceb2• 5 years ago

Rain, a little snow, but mostly just cold (very cold for here) in the next couple days at least in the Seattle metro area.

trevorishere7• 5 years ago

No blog; that’s not a bad idea, though. I just post pictures/videos on Instagram like every other good Millennial ;)

Hiking is a way to clear my head. I had an 18 year relationship end not long ago — in 3 & 4th grade I had a teacher who would take us hiking on unofficial field trips. I realized I missed it and the connection with nature plus the isolation one can achieve given you avoid the popular hikes.

trevorishere7• 5 years ago

Since you asked, here is a photo from near the end of my hike, looking NE or E to the Cascades.

https://ibb.co/8Nh29nn

trevorishere7• 5 years ago

And here's Marckworth State Forest today.

https://ibb.co/gFNNhC4

_huayra_4• 5 years ago

I hope you manage to get back home and hunker down before this cold snap moves in! If you're in the Redmond / Seattle area, it's gonna be one of those "everyone forgets how to drive" things today and tomorrow (and maybe further!) due to the snowfall.

trevorishere7• 5 years ago

My hikes are up at Moss Lake to the end of the allowable NE North Fork Road as well as Marckworth State Forest. It’ll likely snow up here given our elevation but cold doesn’t bother me too much.

kingcharles• 5 years ago

Yes! Another loner, here on my own today (well, me and the puppy I found)... but woke up at 6am CST to watch JWST launch. So thankful it made it up in one piece! After two decades of waiting it was a great Christmas present and gave me a happy start to the day.

trevorishere7• 5 years ago

NGST started in 1996! I was a 6th grader, at that time! I was fortunate to wake up at 2AM PT so I got to watch the entire webcast. I’m so happy it made it up and they unfurled the solar panel early — I wonder if that was a way to say goodbye while on camera.

ragingrobot3• 5 years ago

I'll be at least spending part of the day in the PacNW forests to keep the depression at bay.

Enjoy some of it for me. I will get out there, someday...

I keep saying it, before I visit any foreign country, I'm spending some time in the PacNW.

trevorishere7• 5 years ago

You _must_ spend some time here. While I'm partial due to being born here, there is so much beauty in nature in any direction you choose to travel on the west side of the Cascades! You could spend years here and not see everything. I'm starting to explore more and more on my own and it is just a wonderland everywhere I go.

dutchblacksmith• 5 years ago

Thanks, one warm hug for your too

podgaj• 5 years ago

Yes I am. I am alone.

I am disabled, and homeless living in my van. I have a family history of mental illness and even they abandoned me. My friends, I get it, they just did not understand what happened to me. I make $1600 on disability but I still cannot find housing. Even when people

I love your sentiment but virtual hugs do not do it for me, nor for most people in my position.

What do we need? An understanding of Mental Illness stigma, housing for the 60% of us homeless who have a serious mood disorder, lower cost housing for the disabled. All of these would give me stability and a community again where I can feel like I am part of something instead of being an outsider.

There have been great people that helped me, and I hold no regrets because it reduces the stress and that helps me deal with my mental illness, but all the suffering comes right back, because here I am, alone again, in my van, in a vacant public park, on Christmas morning.

You want to really hug me? Start a revolution.

zw1234562• 5 years ago

Hang in there friend!

uxcolumbo• 5 years ago

I wish there were more tinyhouse communities - like these: https://www.tinyhouse.com/post/10-welcoming-tiny-house-commu...

xvector• 5 years ago

At some point I realized that the thing that bothered me about being alone was not the fact that I was alone, but that other people were not.

Actually, I am quite content by myself. It was sort of an ego/"am I not good enough for someone else" feeling that made me feel negative. But, that is not a good reason to enter a relationship with someone.

On balance, would I enjoy being in a relationship with someone? Questionable. I quite like the contentment, quietude, and freedom that comes with living by myself.

In either case, not worth agonizing over.

daedlanth• 5 years ago

Well, being a religious event, I have to say that happiness while being alone is actually a gift from God. My kids have jobs and their mom doesn't crab at me anymore, Yay!!! I'm going to read the news, have breakfast and play some video games.

zoomablemind• 5 years ago

Thank you for the hug! I hug you too.

We are all cave-people still, living now in our little caves, using tools that still require a lot of grinding to make and to use (mental mostly), still afraid of monsters and winters.

We are still mesmerized by lightnings, storms, stars, and everything that happens above and inside us. We're curious about world and life around, scribble things on our walls, we sleep a lot, and dream!

Ones in San Diego, CA, I saw a bunch of seals laying on nice stinky rocks, chatting about something with each other. Some younger pup was trying to crawl on other seal's head (just for fun of it, probably). So another bigger seal literally hugged the pup with that flapper arm of theirs and kept on telling whatever story that was. It worked!

We hug, therefore we exist.

vmihailenco• 5 years ago

Happy Christmas

pjmlp• 5 years ago

Not in the same situation, but could have been so due to a very set of dark moments during 2021 that also made this Christmas a very sad one to myself.

Have a big virtual hug.

i13e• 5 years ago

Thank you for this post, I spent the majority of Christmas '19 and '20 alone and it was in the middle of a very challenging time of my life. I'm very young and grateful for the friends and others that included me in their holiday celebrations, and having time alone to reflect and come to the realization that Christmas doesn't come from having family to share it with.

While most traditional Christmas stories and many people focus on celebrating children, love and family, material goods, etc it's also about looking on the bright side of life, counting your blessings, and carrying on traditions. A happy Christmas is a choice, and my advice to all who are alone today is this: Build your own traditions, buy yourself something and wrap it up nice, decorate a tree, make gingerbread houses, or cook a meal you really like, whatever appeals to you.

I'll leave you with the last line from How the Grinch Stole Christmas and a link to an In Our Time episode about (A Christmas Carol)[https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0012fl5]:

"Welcome Christmas, bring your cheer. Cheer to all Who's far and near Christmas day is in our grasp, so long as we have hands to clasp. Christmas day will always be, just as long as we have we. Welcome Christmas while we stand, heart to heart and hand in hand."

madroga• 5 years ago

I think we are more alone than ever, as a virtual hug is not an actual hug. Better would be for us to stop being delusional and try harder to find a way to live in a real community where we can feel each other's warmth again.

Thanks for the good intention, and a Merry Christmas to all.

zscore• 5 years ago

Merry Christmas OP. I'm not a christian and I wasn't feeling particularly odd about being alone today as compared to any other day. I had delicious Foul, Zaatar Manakish and Falafel in the breakfast today. The rest of the day couldn't be any better either

Sending you a virtual hug nonetheless :)

uniclaude2• 5 years ago

I vividly remember coding, moderating IRC channels and playing StarCraft while being alone on a Christmas night, lobbies were full of joy and wishes, games were fun, and I felt way less lonely than while spending time with people I didn’t really connect with.

Christmas is seen as a moment to be spent with people, but IMO this day is only what you make of it. It is not bad to want to be totally alone, or connected with online randoms!

There are many people in these virtual worlds that you probably share something with if you spend Christmas alone or are reading this message on Dec 25th. I’m glad HN exists.

And if you really want another experice, go east if you can afford it, and enjoy in places where Dec 24/25th are just regular days.

rvnx• 5 years ago

This Metaverse / NFT thing is depressing, I wouldn't recommend this. If you are alone, better take the "celebrations" as an opportunity to discover people that are a little bit of your usual circle by inviting them for a dinner or movie. The COVID-19 makes more people lonely, and actually, it's a positive thing for people who are usually alone because it makes it easier for them to live with the social stigma of being alone.

jpindar• 5 years ago

This whole "people on the internet aren't real people" thing is SO 20th century.

uniclaude2• 5 years ago

I didn’t mean metaverse/nft, HN is a virtual world.

JimBlackwood• 5 years ago

I don’t understand what can be depressing about other people finding company, wherever that may be?

Maybe it’s me, I just never saw how things that make other people happy can be depressing for someone else.

throwaway_nr_342• 5 years ago

I ve lost my love and my mental health is deteriorating

I really hope things get better

bartvk2• 5 years ago

Last year, I got caught in a divorce. If my experience is of any consolation, it will get better, I promise.

throwaway_nr_342• 5 years ago

it feels like its getting worse

and its all my fault!!!

brncsk2• 5 years ago

This year, after a tumultuous breakup (that quite literally plunged me into my deepest crisis to day), I’m practicing being alone. Mostly because what lead to said breakup in the first place, was me being a relationship-addict, which at this point in my self-awareness journey I understand to be a transgenerational issue. Thus being with family does not help at all (even though I did my fair share of being with them yesterday). As opposed to OP, I’m less than happy about the whole thing understandably.

What helps is hiking, I guess, trying to get a grip on whether doing it alone or with others helps more.

I guess this is close to being rock bottom for me at this point, hope you guys feel at least a tiny bit ok.

matt892• 5 years ago

I went through a breakup this year, which was (objectively looking) not too bad, because we managed to end on good terms, but left me personally very very sad and full of regrets. I'm also going through therapy right now, and these two things combined made me realise that I'm completely unprepared for being alone and that I very much resent it and think of being alone as a failure.

And while in general I think that it's great and fulfilling to have good relationships with people, in my specific case I think I was similar to you - I have completely linked my personal happiness to being with someone and I paid too much attention to approval from other people. So I think I can partially relate.

Right now I'm trying to find what I actually want from life and learn how to be alone and at peace. And I agree that hiking or simply wandering around the city alone is a great meditative experience that brings me some joy at least.

I just wanted to say that I believe that with time it gets better, and trying to dig up from the lowest points of our lives is a big and rewarding challenge to have. I wish you peace and love; sending virtual hugs. You are not alone.

brncsk2• 5 years ago

Thank you Matt - your insight on thinking about yourself as a failure while being alone hit me quite hard, but also provided a piece of self reflection I did not have until now.

As for this experience being an opportunity and a challenge - I totally agree, even though it does not seem so ATM.

Let us both embrace this challenging-but-worthwile part of it, I guess, while also acknowledging the hard ones. Wish you love and peace as well along your journey!

thoms_a3• 5 years ago

What I've found is that building a relationship is like building an orbital spacecraft: there are an infinite number of ways to do this which leads to failure, but very few which leads to success.

Our extant societal memeplex makes it seem like relationships are the default setting, and available to the majority with just a bit of effort. However, this could not be further from the truth in my experience. Very few relationships are successful, and most are in some stage of slow motion RUD. Often, the fallout from a failed relationship is worse than not having been in one in the first place.

There are solutions to this, but they will seem anachronistic to the HN crowd. Turns out that the concept of a marriage is very related to Christmas: it is a religious construct, and as such, cannot be removed from that context. Attempts to do so will more often than not result in immense suffering for all involved.

Siira• 5 years ago

We, in Iran, have both a Yule (called Yalda here) celebration and the new year Nowruz holidays, none of which are religious.

Existenceblinks• 5 years ago

When I was a teenager (12-18) I often did meditation during 23:30 - 0:10 for new year countdown, pretty calm transition. And taking a walk (or running) 5:00am - 7:00am in the morning on Jan 1, it's pretty great start of new year. Recommended for lone wolf!

seb_urban_plan• 5 years ago

Please accept my warmest Christmas wishes - your message is very kind, and you have all my encouragement.

Lately I've been coming back to reading short citations from philosophers. What's great is that you can chose any topic you like, and find quotes from all kinds of influential people on the topic (on one of the "quotes" cites, there are several) and see what the collective wisdom of civilizations has to propose - it's like a conversation with the past, and has been part of the solution for me.

Most of all I would recommend reading Proverbs - consider it a toolbox to peruse - I think most anyone can find some "missing piece" there that can get one unstuck from whatever rut one might be in: https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=proverbs+1&vers...

Finally, if you feel up to it at some point, I would encourage you to seek out those who are also lonely - I've been doing music at retirement homes for a while now, and it's very worthwhile - perhaps there are charities involved in alleviating loneliness in your area - visiting, talking, organizing events... there is lots of room for creativity and meeting generous people.

Best wishes, Sebastian.

alektorophobiae• 5 years ago

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays everyone!

I'm an only child with a very small family, so our holidays were just me, mom, and dad. Growing up (and even a little bit today) I always felt lonely, especially when comparing our family to all the large Irish and Italian families that I went to grade school with.

But the older I get, the more I focus on just being grateful for the time I still have with them. It does make me sad to think of when they pass away (my dad is 74 with health conditions).

Virtual hugs to you all.

leto_ii• 5 years ago

:D<

hohoho2021• 5 years ago

I have family at home so I’m not alone on a personal level. But in business, my co-founders have been gone for two years now. One silently sulking and one more or less retired. I’ve gone on to keep everything running for the sake of our employees but I feel a bit more like Scrooge in his counting house each year when I’m chugging along on Christmas Eve.

As an ecomm play, the holidays are also mark the end of our busy season. So it’s a lot at once, but I try to keep in mind that I am still happier working for myself than I ever was working for someone else. I am also so grateful for all the joy we bring to the world.

charcircuit• 5 years ago

There are a lot of Christmas streams you can go and watch today. Who needs family when you have online friends to hang out with.

hszeeks• 5 years ago

Thank you so much for this.

I just had a Christmas dinner alone spiraling on how much of a failure i am given my horrible social skill. But this really cheer me up!

screye• 5 years ago

I am spending Christmas 'alone' , but together with a bunch of solo travellers on a backpacking trip. My loneliness was a result of US visa regulations cancelling my plans to meet my loved ones, but I do wonder about all of my other co-travellers.

They're bunch of white Americans aged 40-70? for whom Christmas would usually be a big day. I dont know them well enough to ask personal questions about family, but a backpacking crew does feel like comforting place to be 'alone'.

America's holidays are so strongly tied to the last week of Dec (24-31), that not having any plans can feel really isolating even if you don't care for Christmas. Calling friends on that long week to ask to hang out and repeatedly realizing that everyone has 'plans', can make you feel super left out.

For a while I did wonder if I was being actively left out. Then realized that being a single guy without family in the US means having to find the few others like you who WILL make plans in November. Either seek them out or lead the planning efforts. But, trying to find a plan to hop on into in December is a terrible idea.

kevintan2019• 5 years ago

yes, you are not alone man... me too, still had family but no friends, but it's okay :)

lottin• 5 years ago

Thank you. I just want to add that there's nothing wrong about being alone. You can be happy, and you can have an interesting life, without having to be always in company of other people.

maverick743• 5 years ago

There are also those who have lost many loved ones...

For those, Christmas is a mix of happiness and sadness. Happiness if there is someone left with who to share our life with, sadness for missing those who left...

You're not alone either!

pawelwentpawel• 5 years ago

We're actually running a virtual party right now for people who happen to be in front of their screens this xmas. Feel free to join, say hi and have a coffee with us! - https://flat.social/f/hn-virtual-xmas

zawazawa• 5 years ago

Thanks for this post. As alone as one could be this Christmas. Family over 8000km away, and no real friends or significant other to spend it with. Have a huge deadline on January 6th but I cant bring myself to work any more for that today.

cannabis_sam• 5 years ago

I’m in the same position, but it’s okay.

Have a virtual hug back! And a virtual hug to anyone else who needs it!!

treebot• 5 years ago

I am not spending Christmas alone, but sometimes I wish I was. The holidays are the toughest time of year for me, because they bring up bad memories from my childhood, and the darkness of winter amplifies it and makes me feel dead inside. Every year around the holidays I have at least one really bad breakdown, and I'm just way more vulnerable emotionally, so everything hurts so much more and for longer. The pain generally has to do with relationships with other people though, so being alone helps. I don't know if it would be better to be totally alone, as OP is, but spending extensive amounts of time with family or a romantic partner is just terrible for me. Cheers OP, buy yourself a gift.

lngnmn2• 5 years ago

There's nothing wrong in being alone. Some (mostly narcissistic assholes) even pay for fancy "spiritual" retreats and what not.

nomorecommas• 5 years ago

Bah humbug!

desku• 5 years ago

Nobody should feel alone at Christmas. If anyone needs someone to talk to, about anything at all, feel free to contact me. Details in my profile.

mathnode• 5 years ago

My thoughts are with you and everyone else. I love you all. The H in hackernews can sometimes also mean, Human , Human News.

vuciv1• 5 years ago

Hey. Thanks for doing this. Most of my Christmases have been alone. No relationship with my parents.

But for the first time this year, I reached out to spend Christmas with my bestfriend and his family. Its a lot of fun.

I also met the love of my life, and although she's traveling with her family right now, we are getting engaged soon and she reassures me ill never have to spend a Christmas alone.

I never thought I'd spend a Christmas with loved ones in my life, so if you are feeling alone, just know that it could change.

Much love, and merry christmas

andreyk• 5 years ago

I often wish HN had an official forum, or even a discord, where people could discuss whatever and not just trending articles. There are many like minded people here, so it feels like it could be more of an online community than it is right now.

Anyway, indeed, virtual hugs to those alone these holidays!

mwattsun• 5 years ago

Merry Christmas to all my Navy brothers and sisters stuck underwater on a submarine today! Hopefully the galley cook saved something good for a nice Christmas dinner

e-clinton• 5 years ago

Being alone is underrated.

zw1234562• 5 years ago

Hey thanks for this, super nice gesture. Some of the stories posted really touched me.

I am alone too, but to be completely honest, I actually am kind of relieved. The holidays were always a stressful time for me, our family dynamic is not very good and now after 2 years, everyone is drifting apart, and it's kind of a relief.

I am going to be doing a little virtual celebration and chatting online with a couple of friends but other than that, no stressful travel, no stressful family gatherings, no listening to racist right-wing rants from ignorant relatives, no rushing around to get ready for the holidays.

Actually, I am kind of digging this.

electrotype• 5 years ago

Even if I'm unvaccinated?

Merry Christmas to you too.

mehdix• 5 years ago

I understand you OP. I'll add a little bit of my story hoping it would comfort you or people in similar situations.

I went through a divorce with a massive emotional rollercoaster which devastated me for a few years. Lost excellent job/research opportunities/offers. Lost contact with family, friends and mates. Got social anxiety, avoided people and felt unprecedentedly alone. Life pushed me off my limits and left me crushed and helpless.

But I survied. Got a deeper appreciation for good things in life. For time, for loved ones, for humans, for I am one. Tried my luck with a new job, joined again some communities recovered some of my old hobbies and good habits. I got to know myself better.

The thing is, it will pass. What helped me was deriving value from within and jogging.

I wish you luck and Merry Christmas!

Ostrogodsky• 5 years ago

Meh, I have been alone for like 18 straight Christmas. Life goes on. BTW dont believe the people saying "I care about you" "Feel free to reach me by email", that's an exercise in showing off. If you think you cant cope, contact a professional who can help you, not a rando on the Internet.

Kirtirajsinh• 5 years ago

Sending Virtual Hugs Bro. Sending you best wishes for the Next Year.

hackernj• 5 years ago

Virtual hug from me across the pond!

happyweasel• 5 years ago

The time around christmas and new year is always a great time for diving into personal projects while taking the minimum time off..

curious_cat_1632• 5 years ago

And a virtual hug back at ya!

moondistance• 5 years ago

Love you all, HN. Virtual hug right back. Merry Christmas :)

rectang• 5 years ago

New video, released two days ago, for an old Joni Mitchell song, River:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OLHxxBTl71I

"River expresses regret at the end of a relationship... but it's also about being lonely at Christmas time... A Christmas song for people who are lonely at Christmas! We need a song like that." — Joni Mitchell

badrabbit• 5 years ago

Who cares. There are 364 other days

pkdpic• 5 years ago

This is a great post and a reminder that HN is a great platform / community.

It also seems like a reminder that the internet really does have the power to bring people together in meaningful substantive ways.

Especially when there are still social platforms that allow for clear minimally augmented communication between individuals.

Thank you for the inspiring post and thank you HN for an inspiring year!

johnisgood2• 5 years ago

I do not intend to ruin the mood, but these kind of posts are available on Facebook as well (there are A LOT of them), but we would not call that a great platform. :P

jollybean• 5 years ago

You are not alone!

But take some time to make a nice dinner if you can. Little things make a big difference.

Merry Christmas.

ragingrobot3• 5 years ago

I'm in the same boat, no family or friends to share with. It's been a wet and dreary day here in NJ, spent all of it outside.

The sun came out for a few minutes, and grabbed a steak from the freezer. It's gone away again now, but too late. Screw it, I'm barbequing myself a steak for Christmas.

All of you out there alone today, enjoy. Get out that (perhaps metaphorical) steak of yours and enjoy.

bradlys• 5 years ago

Well, we’re alone. Let’s not trivialize it. But we should also try to normalize loneliness more and accept people who are in such situations. Potentially accepting that they don’t want to be in that situation and building a culture around bringing people together who don’t have a family, large group of close friends, etc.

I’m in the same boat. I have friends but they’re spread out through the country. On top of that - most of them spend time with their families during these holidays. I’m the weird one who is estranged from his entire family, has few friends nearby, and is now single. It used to be I spent this time of the year traveling the world and spending my Christmas with my ex. But I’ll be spending the next few christmases alone while I try to find another partner.

RuggedPineapple• 5 years ago

I got engaged to my girlfriend this year. Our christmas is going to be just us and my best friend whose decided she just can't with her antivax family during a covid-era family gathering. Not what I was expecting from the holidays, but also a reminder that family that you build yourself is just as valid!

impetus1• 5 years ago

Exact same man, call your family

tekkk• 5 years ago

The worse side about these things is that you can't vent out your sadness or general feelings to anyone. Which is I think what people really need. Not a huge host of siblings and friends but just emotional closure to have your feelings validated and accepted. It's okay to feel sad, it's okay to not to feel sad.

It's hard to do so without being really close with someone but I wish all could have speck of shared empathy from this thread. We are not just boxes of text but real people around the world who all have their share of good and bad. Pushing away feelings does work and you get lot of things done doing so. But I don't recommend doing so in the long run - the re-prioritization can be quite shock once you notice all the stuff don't bring you that much joy.

betwixthewires• 5 years ago

I am too. But I wanted to be this year. I could be with family right now. I don't want to be. There's only 1 person I wish was here, but that person had prior commitments today, and that's OK. I just have to wait a few days.

I'm having a good Christmas alone.

mancerayder• 5 years ago

We live in a time that, even before covid, there are a record number of single people in their 30's and 40's (in the U.S. and some Western European countries I am assuming as well), and to go one step further, a record number with no interest in having kids (or some fear that's keeping them). [1]

We live in a different times. Many are alone.

1. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-single/202009...

jglauche• 5 years ago

Virtual Hug back <3

sidechaining• 5 years ago

That’s very sweet, thanks! I’m dealing with the loss of my father and the holiday season just feels a lot more...poignant? sobering? I wish the timeline for grief weren’t as protracted as it seems to be

code_monk666• 5 years ago

I am terrified of being alone. Thankfully I have a bunch of good friends but it's been hard to meet them due to covid. Is it better to be alone or be in a relationship that you are sort of okay with and not completely happy with it?

neycoda2• 5 years ago

You're never alone with the best Christmas movie ever made, Die Hard.

Tell HN: You are not alone this Christmas

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