I love you, dad

http://notch.tumblr.com/post/37823268132/i-love-you-dad

by kjackson2012 • 14 years ago

1104 204 14 years ago

notch.tumblr.com

redad• 14 years ago

My father has substance abuse problems too (alcohol dependency for 20 years) and it has destroyed his relationship with my siblings and my mother, he's going to lose what little he has left very soon and I genuinely fear he's going to do something very similar to what is mentioned here. I am the only child that will talk to him without contempt and I have long since left home. He lost his own father very recently and that pushed him deeper.

What do I do? How do you deal with a situation like this?

uptown• 14 years ago

I'm in no way qualified to give you a professional answer, but from a human perspective, I'd start by talking to him and expressing the very fears you just described. Make him understand that it concerns you, and that you're there for him should he ever feel that inclination. Just being able to talk about things with other people can be a tremendous help when dealing with stressful situations. Make sure he understands that he's not completely alone.

alexakarpov4• 14 years ago

That's a very good-spirited answer, but not a very realistic one, I am afraid. Most of the people who exhibit problems of that kind ARE talked to; their parents, children, friends etc are, on average, truly caring and do attempt to help. The sad truth is - a lot of people who gave up on 'life' have damn good reasons to have done so. A lot of them would laugh at you if you try to 'talk' to them, providing they have some laugh left in them --- because most of them actually did hear it all already, and it just wasn't enough. Another sad truth is: substance abuse actually does solve a lot of problems, just not in a "socially acceptable way". But, well - a lot of people don't care about what's "socially acceptable".

alexakarpov4• 14 years ago

Short answer is - you don't, really. There's very little one can do to help a grown-up person with a history of substance abuse. Unless you believe in God: but the efficacy of that approach is, clearly, impossible to scientifically verify.

illuminate3• 14 years ago

"Unless you believe in God"

If only the belief in God sincerely caused a difference in substance abuse, I'd be endorsing religiosity for its own sake!

Of course, I'm sure you're referencing the will of God, but considering how many sincere faithful have their struggles with physical addiction, the belief alone is not enough :(

pjscott• 14 years ago

The efficacy of any approach for dealing with substance abuse can be investigated scientifically: try it, and compare with a control group, trying to control for as many variables as you can. If it creates a significant difference, then something is probably going on. If there's no significant difference, then it probably doesn't work. Absence of evidence is, of course, evidence of absence.

None of this changes when the approach in question involves hypothetical supernatural intervention.

lectrick2• 14 years ago

I dated a woman from a family like this. Her dad was in Vietnam and his squad was ambushed and he managed to find a hiding place from which he was able to witness the entire rest of his squad murdered in cold blood. 3 days later he got the balls to leave his hiding spot and the alcoholism began when he got home after being discharged. Classic PTSD case.

Your dad needs to see a counselor to help treat the alcoholism and a therapist to try to eliminate any underlying psychological issues that might be feeding into the alcoholism if there are any.

My uncle died of essentially alcoholism.

You have the right to tell your dad, dead in the eye, that you fear for his life and that he does not have to continue this downward spiral. He will need to summon a will in order to beat it, though. It might help to also remove him from the environments that contribute to his problem, such as moving to a dry town.

It still amazes me that I used to drink more (was always moderate) but really tapered off lately for multiple reasons (most related to health) without much difficulty at all, yet some people get completely addicted to this thing. (I have nearly all German and Czech ancestry which might help.) Yet there is a game called WoW that I can't seem to tear myself completely away from, and there is a woman on this planet that is impossible for me to not have amazing sex with when alone (she shares the same vulnerability) who I unfortunately cannot be anywhere near anymore because we are not right for each other and must focus on other people...

marcusmacinnes• 14 years ago

You should probably read the original post again...

king_jester8• 14 years ago

Someone with a substance abuse problem is the only person that can tackle that issue. Attending alchoholics anonymous or narcotics anonymous (or a similar 12-step style program) can be a start, and it is really helpful if said person attends therapy with a professional of some form outside of those kinds of programs (church staff don't count, this absolutely should be a trained therapist, psychologist, etc). Outside of that, there isn't anything you can do. It should be noted that not talking to someone with a substance abuse problems is a wholly legitimate thing to do, as you aren't required to put yourself in situations that are harmful to your own mental and physical well being.

dos1• 14 years ago

Disclaimer: This is my own personal experience and opinion. I've dealt with substance abuse issues for many years and I've known several people for whom substance abuse exacted the ultimate toll.

The short of it: There are no reliable solutions. There are no good answers.

People with depression and substance abuse issues don't think the way non abusers do. They know what they're doing is wrong and that it could lead to death or going further down the spiral, but their ability to rationalize their behavior is all powerful. It has nothing to do with will power or motivation. There's something wired differently in the brain.

Medication, AA, NA, inpatient treatment, religion are all good things to try. Sometimes one of them sticks. I wish you the best of luck. The only advice I can give is this: If something bad happens with your father, it is not your fault. There is nothing you can do to change his behavior. All you can do is be supportive if he recognizes the need to make a change.

uxp• 14 years ago

This is actually really good information. Above all else, no one can "make it right" except for the person with the substance abuse problem.

I've spent years trying to put my alcoholic mother into this program or that group. I've even gone so far as to give myself depression issues over the situation. But, at the end of the day, she's the only that can decide to make the situation better and do something about it. Today, the only thing I can do is make my life better, even if it means cutting ties with her as she becomes more unresponsive. It's an absolutely brutal hurdle to get over, but it's the absolute truth.

microtonal• 14 years ago

This. What helped me is to see the good person behind the illness and separate that him or her from the illness. During bad moment, it will affect you less (it's the illness, not that soul that is affected by it), during good moments it is easier to connect to that person.

Also, if someone has a severe mental illness that cannot be cured or properly medicated, and has young children, protect them if it is within your power. Every child has the right (and need) to grow up in a safe environment.

eoy• 14 years ago

Having been in a similar situation as Notch, also ending in a very similar way, all advice I can give is to make the best of the time you have and don't waste it on contempt and hate. I wish that I had been able to have a more understanding attitude than I did.

dustismo• 14 years ago

In order to help your addicted father you should consider first focusing on yourself. The stress and guilt of having an addicted loved one can affect your own mental health. Speak to an addiction specialist, they can help you formulate appropriate actions in dealing with your father, perhaps an intervention, perhaps something else. Al-Anon (http://al-anon.alateen.org/) is a good resource.

jevinskie2• 14 years ago

This is a very good point. At one point in time I went to a therapist to discuss my family member's alcoholism in an attempt to get them help. The therapist gave me some good advice for my family member but also recommended that I seek therapy of my own. I did so for over half a year and it helped me work through issues relating to my relationship with my family member but also some anxiety issues of my own. If you are uncomfortable with the group setting of al-anon (as I was), you should really look into one-on-one counseling.

mnicole5• 14 years ago

AA's founder originally believed that LSD had potential to cure substance abuse, and although he later stepped away from that belief to make religion a bigger aspect of it, researchers believe that it is far more likely to help than even AA itself. There was additional information (along with personal experiences) in a recent Reddit TIL that may be of interest to you - http://www.reddit.com/r/todayilearned/comments/14mpow/til_bi...

If that's an option you think he'd try out, perhaps there's a facility nearby that could help.

Edit: If you're going to downvote, do so because something is legitimately wrong and prove otherwise, not because you don't agree with it. This topic is a big deal and my response is equally as serious.

run4yourlives3• 14 years ago

I won't argue the science, since you're likely correct, but taking one substance to counter the effects of another doesn't do anything to address the root cause of the problem.

It's no use curing alcoholism only to have it replaced by gambling, drugs or sex.

The issue is that the addiction is used as a crutch to avoid dealing with the real problem. Until you deal with that real problem - and some of them are extremely difficult to "deal" with, so I'm not trying to downplay this - you will not really be "cured".

Sakes2• 14 years ago

1) Try and fix him. I know this is generally thought of as a bad idea, but I think it will be important for you to know that you did everything within your power for him in the event that something bad happens. When (adult) children lose a parent, the ones that mourn the loudest are typically the ones that were not taking care of the parent in their decline. The ones that support them in their declining years get to meet the sad day knowing they did everything they could for their loved one. I think this brings comfort by removing any guilt that someone might have.

2) If recovery is not an option, accept it. If you have run through all the reasonable things to be done to help your father from the outside, there is nothing left for you to do to fix him. Accept him for all his good characteristics and bad, and simply show him love.

3) Wait. Even if you were unable to fix him, he still might come around on his own, which is most likely what needs to happen anyways.

jevinskie2• 14 years ago

Feel free to email me at jevinsweval@gmail.com if you (or anyone else) would like to chat. I grew up with an alcoholic family member who is thankfully sober for almost two years now after 20 years of drinking. There is no single answer but there is hope.

skeletonjelly2• 14 years ago

I was once in your exact same situation. If you want to talk privately let me know. The extent of the possibilities of your actions are merely going to be within the confines of guidance, nothing you do will be a magic bullet. It'll take time, it'll take effort, but it's possible to recover. Your father has to be the one to take actions to fix the situation.

bond• 14 years ago

Wow, didn't expect that ending... :(

marshray• 14 years ago

I did expect that ending and was sad to be right. Why do we only take the time to say these things after it's too late?

jbail• 14 years ago

That gave me chills.

I'm constantly impressed by people that have the ability to share their personal life with the world in an honest way that reveals the vulnerabilities we all share as humans. It is so much more refreshing than the opposite, where we pretend our lives are perfect and we never experience moments of doubt or melancholy.

It is rare to see someone make a post like this. This is precisely what makes it so refreshing and beautiful.

riffraff2• 14 years ago

I agree with being impressed, but I am not sure the opposite of being able to share is pretending we are perfect. Maybe, it's just being unable to.

My dad passed away eleven months ago, no day goes by without thinking of him, and I may be able to get to the end of this without crying, but I can't manage a blog post.

bad_user2• 14 years ago

There's no shame in crying and it is great therapy. When losing somebody close, do cry until your tears run out.

pplante• 14 years ago

I too lost my Father, but at a young age (12). Deal with your emotions as you can, and take time for yourself. That is the only advice that I found is portable across different people.

Its been 15 years for me, and it gets easier with time. But recently I hit the 15 year mark and just lost it. For some reason that number was bigger than any year previously. I suspect it had something to do with the fact that I have lived 55% of my life without my father around.

Tichy2• 14 years ago

I hope you don't feel bad for not writing a blog post. It is not a requirement at all.

sterna• 14 years ago

My mother committed suicide when I was five years old. She was lost for seven months and I never really understood she was dead until several months had passed. It took years before I actually came to the point where I could cry. Believe me, it is better to embrace the sorrow now and deal with it rather than to keep it within you for the rest of your life.

gxs• 14 years ago

It may be refreshing, but people aren't drawn to it. It's the same idea as to why people are drawn to assholes, why people respect someone who speaks their mind more than someone who is a poeple pleaser etc. You speak like this for long enough around people, and they just wont want to be around you.

Every now and then, like you said, it's refreshing.

debacle• 14 years ago

> It may be refreshing, but people aren't drawn to it.

Really? My feelings on Notch have been greatly elevated by it. It shows an incredibly positive attitude about life.

namank• 14 years ago

What you are talking about it marketing and branding.

What Notch is talking about is life.

rsl7• 14 years ago

It is a great post.

But let's not fall into the trap of "honest, open sharing" is better than pretending, that pretending is bad, or that either is better than not sharing at all. Lots of people make their lives better by pretending enough so that it becomes so. Lots of people also aren't interested in sharing at all. Lots of what appears to be open honest vulnerability sharing is also posturing and pretending, but it's hard for an outsider to know.

tl;dr- don't judge.

swah• 14 years ago

He's a good writer.

chimeracoder• 14 years ago

I can't find a mirror of Mark Pilgrim's blog post from 2010 on losing a friend of 25 years. That haunted me.

EDIT: Here it is: http://web.archive.org/web/20101214221345/http://diveintomar...

diego• 14 years ago

You may be interested in my post from yesterday.

http://longposts.com/1990082

bhaile• 14 years ago

Thanks for sharing. I read it and forwarded it to people whom it was relevant for.

Tichy2• 14 years ago

:-(

at-fates-hands• 14 years ago

My aunt went through the same situation. She became clinically depressed for several years after going through the IVF process several times. She was on medication and had completely withdrawn from life. It wasn't until they decided instead to adopt a child from Korea that she changed, almost overnight.

After the successful adoption, my aunt completely changed. All she ever wanted was a family and to raise children. Adopting their son from Korea inspired her again. She got off medication and returned to her fun, outgoing self. It was an amazing transformation. They wee both in their mid forties when they decided to adopt.

I'm so sorry for your lose, but please, don't get discouraged and give up on having a family. Consider adoption. There are so many different kinds of adoption available these days and there are so many children in need of good loving families like yours.

If you need more information, DM me and I can go in more detail about their experience.

gadders• 14 years ago

:-(

loboman• 14 years ago

I'm sorry. Best wishes for your wife and you.

jamesjguthrie• 14 years ago

Thanks for sharing. Reading other's stories like this helps me a bit - my fiance had a miscarriage in October and I'm still not 100% sure that I've dealt with it properly.

We are lucky as we have a 1 year old son but we really would love more. My sympathies are with you.

hluska2• 14 years ago

Sharing that was tremendously kind of you. Thank you for sharing it and I am sorry you've had such a horrible year.

speeder6• 14 years ago

I am very happy that my parents are married to each other, and my alive grandparents too, and that they don't have issues like this (what my father "abuse" is coca-cola, he rarely drinks, and noone smokes).

And I am very sad to see that all other families are crumbling.

I am seeking a girlfriend that wants to be a mother, and I am not finding, most of them are self-centered, and come from divorced families, the only girl that ever became my girlfriend (and is still a good friend) was the only one that I found that still had married parents.

mnicole5• 14 years ago

Coming from a broken home impacts everyone differently, and particularly when you end up raising yourself (and your siblings). The idea that someone doesn't want to be a mother because they're self-centered is very far from the truth. They are more likely to be aware of their vulnerabilities and the fear that they will end up like their parents. Worse, they may have long-term damage (or mental health issues that plagued their parents as well) that they don't feel would make them strong parents. I consider that responsible, not self-centered.

thom• 14 years ago

It's also possible that they don't want kids.

bad_user2• 14 years ago

It depends on the individual and her specific background, but for instance for girls of mothers that suffered from domestic violence there's a very high probability they'll end up with a violent husband, even though they keep telling themselves that they won't. Forgot how this syndrome was called, and this iPad is awful for doing Google searches.

Basically we are doomed to repeat many of same mistakes as our parents. You do have a certain control over your life, but eternal vigilance and self-awareness is required. I keep seeing this every day, as I'm now a father too. For example my father was a workaholic that didn't have much time for me. He was also very critical of other people's mistakes. I tend to repeat these same mistakes, even though I make an effort not to, but sometimes I just can't help myself.

It really depends on the individual though. I have at least one friend coming from a broken home and he's one of the most balanced individuals I know.

toadi2• 14 years ago

I think it's a nurture vs nature question. Maybe it makes you strong and hard person who makes it in life. Life is though if you have setbacks to deal with. If you are golden spooned maybe by the first setback you crumble...

akie• 14 years ago

You must be quite young. To me, what defines a good relationship (in terms of having a partner) is not necessarily that what you have in common with the other is a strong desire for stability, family life & kids. I've seen people get married because of this desire, and the people I've observed doing that don't necessarily seem very happy. On the contrary, actually. After a while they just become jaded. Like people in a job that they don't enjoy but that they need to do to pay the mortgage. I think these situations are quite unhealthy, and ultimately unsatisfying.

What defines a good relationship, in my opinion, is two people that know what they want out of life, that chase their own goals and have their own dreams, and then decide to do that together. It's much harder though, because sometimes these goals clash, but I wouldn't want it any other way.

gnufied• 14 years ago

I am a Indian and have seen this line often repeated.

A relationship from my cultural perspective is also about committing to make it work. I am trying to bootstrap a startup with my best friend and there is lot in common between us but when going gets tough, it is important to be not an asshole.

I am married as well. My wife's and my own dreams are somewhat different, but if I decide somehow to let my dreams take precedence over hers, there will be trouble. It is same as a startup, when going gets tough - it is important to be responsible/respecting and more importantly not let outside world affect the relationship.

Coming from a culture when arranged marriages have been the norm for ages, I can't overemphasis simply willingness to stick. I don't know and it may sound strange - most people are essentially good (and well meaning in their own way) and as we Indians have come to terms with the fact that, Love can blossom in arranged marriage as well. Where you did not know your life partner beforehand.

Trying to find perfect partner with whom goals and ambitions match is unicorn and rainbows.

EDIT: Just to be clear, I wasn't contradicting you, because clearly we agree on certain points.

king_jester8• 14 years ago

If you want to have kids and want a partner that is into that, that's fine. However, being self-centered and wanting to be a parent aren't mutually exclusive, as I have met adults whose parents were/are extremely self-centered and that factored in heavily into the abusive situations those adults lived in when they were children.

> And I am very sad to see that all other families are crumbling.

I'm not really sure what you are talking about, families have always had issues with abuse, divorce, etc., that is nothing new (even if people may have hidden those things more often in the past, but that really depends on when and where you grew up).

jacoblyles7• 14 years ago

Actually, the crumbling of the family is quite new. The past 50 years has seen a rapid and sad dissolution of the family: http://dalrock.files.wordpress.com/2011/08/p70-126_pdf_hist_...

speeder6• 14 years ago

I know lots of self-centered people that are parents.

What I mean is that it is hard to find women that actually WANT to live a life of sacrifice, living for the family, instead of living to themselves.

I've met some women that when I ask if they want to be mother they say:

"Oh, sure!"

And then I ask:

"So, when you have your 4 months old kid, you will stay at home to take care of it if your husband is rich enough for that?"

And then most of them reply:

"Hell no, the kid can stay in the creche, or watching TV with the babysitter, I must work."

Funnily, I have a friend that insists that she will even have a kid using sperm bank, and she will take care of that kid alone, yet she hates her mother because she feels her mother did not gave attention enough to her (her mother is a divorced lawyer, and the girl was cared by the house cleaning lady that lived in the house, when she has problems she still talk to that lady instead of her mother).

speeder6• 14 years ago

About crumbling families:

I am form Brazil, no-fault divorce was only allowed in the 70s (in comparison to US for example), and divorce rates rose very quickly.

Three years ago the divorce laws were made even more lax, and divorce rate tripled immediately (ie: one year after the law, the amount of divorce year-to-year was 3 times).

Most of my friends have divorced parents, I knew few people that actually have married parents, and frequently when people meet my family they say they are envious.

Also the marriage rates are plummeting too (and although the co-habitation rates are rising, it is not rising fast enough to compensate).

pekk• 14 years ago

Many women want to be mothers. Having a kid is easier than falling off a log, it just takes time.

However, it's not correct to imply that women with divorced families are worse somehow.

danabramov• 14 years ago

>Having a kid is easier than falling off a log, it just takes time.

Um, you know, that's not always true.

newbie12• 14 years ago

That's correct, women from broken homes may work harder at marriage because they know how awful divorce can be.

jacoblyles7• 14 years ago

I would be interested in knowing whether or not one's likelihood to divorce is correlated with whether or not one's parents were divorced. Do you know what the data say?

edit: I found some data. It looks like a couple is twice as likely to divorce if one of them comes from a divorced family, and three times as likely if both do: http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/releases/26714.php

ColinWright2• 14 years ago

    > Having a kid is easier than falling off a log,
    > it just takes time.

Wrong, and to say so like that demonstrates both ignorance and a significant lack of sensitivity.

Yhippa• 14 years ago

While I'm sad that you cannot find this ideal girlfriend (which I am also looking for) it's not a bad thing that you are at least finding out that they are self-centered. You want to find someone like yourself who looks forward to having a stable family.

Can you imagine marrying someone who's self-centered and you finally have kids? That could be disasterous. There could be lots of regret that you can't undo and you end up going down the path of divorce or worse.

wsc981• 14 years ago

Try to appreciate your family for as long as you can, since you'll never know when they're gone.

In 2004, when I was 23 years old, I lost both my parents and a sister in a car accident. We had a really nice family and great parents, never expected this to happen. It caused me a depression that lasted almost 7 years.

Personally I wouldn't want a girlfriend that wants to become a mother, the pain of losing someone very dear to you is intense and I wouldn't want another depression that lasts as long as my previous one.

SoftwareMaven3• 14 years ago

You have to balance the risk of pain with the possibility of joy. It is certainly possible to live a life cut of from others where you never have to worry about losing anybody, but you lose the joy that comes from those same connections. While it's true that the closer the connection, the greater the chance of pain, it is also true that they are also greater sources of joy.

Having gone through more than one multi-year depression, I can appreciate you wanting to avoid that. Just don't avoid living and loving to do so.

chris_p• 14 years ago

> and come from divorced families

What does this have to do with the rest of your sentence? Are you implying that people who come from divorced families are more self-centered?

lectrick2• 14 years ago

Did anyone else just stare at the screen for a while after reading that?

evanmoran• 14 years ago

Yes.

skeletonjelly2• 14 years ago

It's well written. Such few words used. Rollercoaster of emotions.

lewisflude• 14 years ago

kiskis• 14 years ago

What is interesting is that he did Ludum Dare competition just days after this. Maybe that was a good therapy for him as well, but in any case that's quite respectable to be able to focus after a tragedy like that.

jiggy2011• 14 years ago

Ludum dare doesn't start for another day or so. He said on twitter that he will not be doing this one due to scheduling conflicts or something.

SquareWheel• 14 years ago

ksikis is talking about the Ludum Dare that took place shortly after the events detailed above. If you go to the "About page" in Minicraft, his contest entry, you'll see the dedication to his dad.

Timothee• 14 years ago

I kind of skipped that because the last paragraph took me by surprise, but he writes "his last thoughts [...] were one year ago".

bitwize• 14 years ago

"Weird Al" Yankovic's parents died while he was on tour. He continued with the tour, stating that if his music made millions of others laugh, it might just cheer him up too.

Sometimes doing what you love is just the right sort of pain reliever.

Aco-• 14 years ago

Brought a tear to my eye, that last paragraph was intense.

PhrosTT• 14 years ago

The strongest plants grow in harsh conditions.

gprasanth2• 14 years ago

Why do bad things happen to good people?

kristofferR5• 14 years ago

Because randomness isn't conscious.

As humans we tend to place a lot of purely human ideals/ideas on the non-human world, but they're all actually things we've just made up.

Goodness/badness/fairness/unfairness aren't "real things" existing in nature; they’re just something humanity has created in our minds and societies. No things has an inherent goodness or badness, we as humans just think/decide it is.

Don't get me wrong, it's essential for human well being to have such things in place, but it's not something we can subject non-conscious things to.

Gravity doesn't care, and can't care or know in any way, whether the guy soon to die from a coconut hit to his head falling from a tree was a child rapist or a humble "saint" always bringing happiness to other people.

gprasanth2• 14 years ago

Perfectly understood what you said. Good and Bad are associated to things by individuals.

I think I probably wanted to know what one should do when Bad things happen.

And, I guess I know the answer to that already: just keep moving forward.

shawn-butler5• 14 years ago

This is of course obviously false. Morality is a part of human nature. It isn't gifted by the supernatural. Therefore concepts like justice, good, bad have as real an existence as you. If humans are part of the natural order so is natural law.

buttscicles• 14 years ago

Bad things happen to everybody.

slajax• 14 years ago

+1 for being transparent with your personal life. Very commendable.

richardlblair• 14 years ago

I wish I could put into words how sorry I am that this happened.

edw519• 14 years ago

Notch, if you're reading this, my deepest sympathy. I understand the devastation of losing a parent; I lost my mother about a year ago. I'm still not "back to normal" and don't know if I ever will be.

I used to do art, music, and comedy, and even practiced my religion, often just for her. I loved to make her laugh and it was so easy to make her proud. In the past year, I have done none of that stuff and don't know when or if I ever will.

Programming is one of the few things I've ever done that I never did just to say, "Hey Ma! Look what I did!" She never understood it. So in the past year, it's one of the few things I've been able to do. I've written a ton of code and taken great comfort it in.

I won't even attempt to give advice; none of the advice I've received from well-intentioned others in the past year has been helpful. I just hope you, me, and others like us find comfort in the wonderful memories of beloved parents and find a way to move on with our lives.

More about my mother here: http://edweissman.com/betty-weissman-1930-2011

X-Istence• 14 years ago

My mom passed away when I was 10, 14 years ago now (she was 37, brain aneurism, even if the docs had known nothing could have been done to prevent it), and I know that it affected me, and it has affected what I do. What is considered normal though? After 14 years I still miss her, I still think about her, and even-though I am not religious and logically I know she is no longer here, and can't feel or see the things I do, I do hope she is proud of me.

In all honesty there really is no "normal", you attempt to go on with your life, the reminders become less and less yet at times you will look at something and instantly have a flash back.

I wish you the best of luck, losing anyone close is terrible, so far I've been incredibly lucky that I still have my grandparents on both side of the family, and my dad, and my three younger siblings, and that we've all shared the same experience makes it easier to slowly attempt to move on.

ryguytilidie• 14 years ago

I for one, salute you for having the awareness to know that snippets of advice won't help and having such a thoughtful response. I often feel like the stock advice given in these situations just makes me feel worse.

nollidge• 14 years ago

There's no such thing as "back to normal" after trauma. You just settle into a new normal.

nhangen• 14 years ago

I never understood that until it happened to me, but you're totally right. You just sort of learn to manage the pain...it never goes away.

adeaver• 14 years ago

I second this. My dad died over 20 years ago and I still feel the lose some days. I still sometimes think I see him in a crowd.

You never, ever get over it. Just get passed it.

steferson• 14 years ago

My uncle hanged himself after years being an alcoholic, the alcohol destroyed his family and pushed him away from everybody. Near the end of it all he was acting delusional, lying to his bar friends about how good his life was, just stright up making stuff up, like having a huge barbecue in his non existant farm, or so I heard through my dad. He killed himself between christmas and new year. His son spent christmas in my house, and I had the idea to go visit him, and days later he killed himself. For the longest time I blamed myself, I kept thoughts like "maybe if I had gone...", I kept believing that maybe the wanting to go see him was God's way to stop the tragedy from happening. I no longer blame myself, though I do wonder if having gone there would have changed anything.

Anyway, powerful blog post

recycleme• 14 years ago

A lot of readers will probably have some self-reflection after reading this. It might even push some to give their parents a call, or sort out some issues. Even someone with a perfect family will remember that nothing lasts forever. Enjoy your time friends.

thispassisweak• 14 years ago

This hit pretty close to home. My father just moved in with me after calling me last week and telling me he was going to kill himself. I managed to calm him down and convince him to move in with me for a while, so hopefully this is the beginning of the road to recovery.

Reading the comments helps to know there are others helping to carry the burdens of their own families. Thanks to everyone for sharing your stories.

ForrestN• 14 years ago

Make sure he is getting professional treatment. It is a bad idea to try to take on the burden of a loved one's serious mental illness on your own.

Sakes2• 14 years ago

This is a very good point. If your loved one told you he had a broken leg, you wouldn't try and fix it yourself, you would seek a professional.

chubbard• 14 years ago

That was a touching story, and I'm sorry to hear about your father's death. My best friend's father was an alcoholic. I watched as my best friend struggled trying to build a relationship with him. I don't think he ever had any of the touching moments you described with his father, and I think it still affects him to this day.

It sounds like you have good memories about him, and knew that he loved you. And for the most part that's all we can ask from our fathers.

sbate• 14 years ago

I love Notch even more. Grumpy swede.

colmvp• 14 years ago

"I now have an entire life to live without him existing." Beautiful but sad words.

sage_joch• 14 years ago

Even more poignant given the beginning, where he wrote how his dad "had an entire life to live before I even existed".

bstahlhood• 14 years ago

Notch, I am sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing. You are strong. Thank you for all your awesome contributions to the the gaming and programming communities.

ruggeri• 14 years ago

Like others here, I was touched by the honesty of this. Thanks.

tharris0101• 14 years ago

I've never met Markus Persson, but its obvious from reading his tweets and posts that he is a good person. If anyone deserves the success he's had, its him.

huhtenberg• 14 years ago

There's actually quite a few good people in the world. They are just less noticeable than assholes, because they don't stick out as much.

devcpp• 14 years ago

Indeed. Arrogant people get their requests fulfilled more often than humble people because they push for it, and many people who have the power to give that stuff are either arrogant and depise humble people or humble and intimidated.

It's pretty sad.

jspthrowaway22• 14 years ago

I'm not so sure that he is entirely a good person or worth this level of praise. He spends a lot of time apologizing for Twitter drama that he invents, and it seems like he has the tendency to shoot first and ask questions later.

The Yogscast debacle comes to mind. For those that are unaware, Yogscast, one of the biggest promotional engines sending traffic to Minecraft, went to Minecon on their own dime and did an autograph panel. Notch responded by eviscerating them on Twitter for, among other things, wishing to be helped out financially for their appearance (which cost them quite a bit, and, let's be honest, Mojang is not broke; Mojang also sold the rights to broadcast Yogscast's own show without asking). This was all based upon drama invented in Notch's head, and he had to profusely apologize later.

It seems like Notch goes out of his way to find drama. However good of a person he is tends to be undone by his occasionally childish behavior.

eric_h2• 14 years ago

This comment thread is about this blog post. Given what he has revealed about himself and his family, and the way he has revealed it, he absolutely deserves praise, if only for the courage of putting pen to paper to express it (figuratively speaking, of course). He has shared something that I'm sure he has kept very close to himself.

He went through what is most certainly the most painful thing one can possibly experience (the death of a loved one by their own hand). You are trivializing something that is both moving and a show of great courage on his part. Now is not the time for personal criticism. Please, allow him whatever therapeutic benefit he can get by writing his post, and save your trivial criticisms for another post; most likely, (admittedly, I don't know you) he has suffered more from this than you ever have about anything.

zecho• 14 years ago

People are complicated.

eric_h2• 14 years ago

And now, reading this username, I realize I've been trolled... Nevertheless, I believe my points still stand.

arrrg• 14 years ago

I'm pretty certain that was a misunderstanding, not in any way malevolent.

Do you really think he is trying to find drama? That makes no sense at all. He is inexperienced at being famous and communicating publicly. That's all.

People like you are extremely intolerant and grating to me. This is a non-issue, and you make it into a big deal.

lifeisstillgood• 14 years ago

Thank you

We have to stop pretending our professional lives are divorced from our personal - they grow out of one another, and in programming like other forms of writing the end result depends hugely on who we are as people - Hemmingway would never have written about a boy wizard.

Notch's work flows from who he is, and that flows a lot from who his father was.

Keep on flowing

eranation• 14 years ago

One of the most honest, deep, meaningful and moving posts I've seen here in my short history in HN. I wish you'll never know sorrow again, my deepest condolences.

kayoone• 14 years ago

I dont know if Notchs recently failed marriage has something todo with this but it looks like he had a very very tough last year :(

phaus• 14 years ago

I've had the misfortune of personally knowing at least 3 people who have killed themselves while mixing medication with alcohol. One of them was on antidepressants, but the other two weren't being treated for any sort of mental condition.

There seems to be an awful lot of people out there who think the warning labels on medication are to be taken about as seriously as the tags on a mattress. I promise you, the warnings are there for a reason. You can be an otherwise perfectly happy person and end up shooting yourself in the face if you have a bad reaction. If you are taking any sort of medication that prohibits alcohol, please follow the directions. Your friends and family members don't want to read your obituary.

DigitalSea• 14 years ago

This story hits close to my heart. I lost my mother a little over a year ago due to chronic alcoholism. She had been drinking for years, battled post-natal depression and one day we convinced her she was really sick and needed to go to the hospital. Her liver was in the process of shutting down, she was so dehydrated and malnourished her veins had shrunk making it difficult for doctors to take blood or put in drips. I remember the day that she went to hospital I forced her to go to the doctors and every test they ran came back red, her cardiogram yielded a weakened heart rhythm and it was at that point she realised she needed to go to the hospital, little did we know it was too late to help her.

The doctors were shocked at the state she was in. He offered to call an ambulance, but my mother wanted to be driven to the hospital instead. I knew she would try and talk her way out of it by refusing an ambulance, but finally convinced her there was no way she wasn't going. She was obviously scared and we all told her that going to hospital meant she'd get better and she probably wouldn't be in there very long, I didn't expect she would be dying in hospital two days later.

As soon as she was admitted she went straight into the emergency ward. She was under watch 24/7, hooked up to machines that monitored everything. She was still very much with it, just not as energetic. She could hold a conversation, she just looked aged but wasn't delirious or anything. We thought she was going to get better, she was in emergency for one day before being moved to a ward where she wasn't being monitored as carefully. I think it was a mistake moving her to a ward so soon.

She never told anyone she was scared or needed help. Apparently she would call my dads sister and cry to her when everyone was asleep saying she was afraid of dying. My dads sister tried to take her to the doctors repeatedly, but I think knowing something was wrong and being scared stopped her from wanting to go to the doctors until it was too late.

She was on 4 saline drips (one in each wrist and one in each knee) to try and hydrate her body. I still remember seeing her lying there with 4 drips, I didn't even know they could do that. She started showing signs of recovery, was more level-headed, but tired and lethargic. She actually seemed like she was getting better, her pulse was getting stronger and the hydration she was getting was helping her, and then at 3am one morning after being in the hospital for 2 days we all got a call that she went into cardiac arrest and they tried to resuscitate her for 1 hour before giving up.

I often wonder if she would have lived longer if she didn't go to hospital. Part of me thinks that her body couldn't handle four drips pumping saline into her body 2 days straight constantly, she had a weak pulse and the fact her veins had shrunken to me thinks she should have stayed in the emergency ward for a couple more days.

She left behind her son (me) and 5 daughters one of which only just turned 8 years old. It's made my dad incredibly strong, I've never seen him cry before. I still remember that day vividly, he's had his fair share of alcohol related problems and has been battling depression and a nervous disorder his entire life due to being abused as a child but I think he's stayed strong for us. I am worried that one day a switch might flip in his head and he'll have a breakdown, but I don't really want to think of that.

I know how you feel Notch, you never quite get over losing a parent. I partially blame myself for my mothers death. She had a drinking problem for years and I did nothing. She was obviously in decline and although everyone tried to get her to go to the doctors, she wouldn't. Did we try hard enough?

Thanks for sharing your story Notch, I think there are many who have lost a parent due to an alcohol incident like yourself. It's hard to tell people you lost a parent to alcohol, let alone talk about losing a parent in such a horrible way.

People say drugs like marijuana are bad, alcohol is the worse of them all.

My mother was 48 years old.

lostlogin3• 14 years ago

Abuse of anything is bad, but I am with you on the alcohol versus marijuana debate. The destruction wrought by alcohol is more obvious to me year to year. Friends and colleagues caught up in its abuse and the damage it does is terrible to watch.

rehack• 14 years ago

Thanks for sharing your story, its very moving and wish the very best for you, and all your siblings.

>People say drugs like marijuana are bad, alcohol is the worse of them all

Totally agree. I have seen, my close friend (from college) totally disintegrate because of alcohol abuse. He did a lot of very nasty things to the persons he loved. Lost his job (several times). Got a job after a long time with difficulty and then lost it again. It became so bad, that he became delirious, and started hallucinating about some people being present when he was alone. And being the raw and powerful person he is, its very difficult for anybody to help him, unless he himself cooperates.

After seeing him at close quarters, and trying to be of help, I can say that alcohol abuse is the worst kind of evil. Now a days, in India, they show a lot of mandatory ugly-cigarette warnings before showing a movie. Every time I see those, I am reminded, that there can be none worse than alcohol abuse. Cigarette smoking is known to cause cancer, and is bad. But alcohol abuse is like cancer of the mind. Where the person himself/herself becomes a cancer for their close family.

zunky• 14 years ago

Thank you for sharing and my deepest sympathy.

tinok• 14 years ago

This post and comments here made me leave work early to go home and hug my kids extra tight this evening.

sonabinu• 14 years ago

my heart goes out to you Notch.

asfdfdasfafdsss• 14 years ago

Notch, I'm so sorry. I know what it is like to lose a parent. It sucks and it doesn't seem to go away.

What a great post. Thanks for sharing your life with us. Please continue to make your dad proud, and be a path for the rest of us in similar circumstance.

jggonz• 14 years ago

Thank you for sharing, it helps you and all of us that have lost a loved one. I lost my father to liver cancer this past January. He was my best friend. Almost every day I replay wonderful memories of conversations, funny moments, and life events we experienced together. I now seek for ways to connect to him and keep those memories alive. I am working on writing them down, so that I can somehow show my toddler some day the wonderful father I had. I collect the tools that we shared to work on electronic projects and cars. The thought of holding something that my dad held in his hands makes it easier.

Keep loving your dad, and each time you replay a memory in your mind, write it down... It'll keep you two connected.

simonebrunozzi• 14 years ago

I'm sorry to hear this. I love my dad, who is still alive, and I think I should try to spend more good time with him, now that we live far away. My sympathy to you, Notch.

rdl• 14 years ago

Even though I think drugs should be decriminalized or legalized, it's clear there needs to be a lot of effort put into helping people who have problems with them (including alcohol).

If you add up all the years of life destroyed by drug addiction, and all the external harms, spending all the money we currently spend on prohibition on treatment would be a bargain.

shanellem• 14 years ago

Incredibly touching post.

acremades• 14 years ago

I am sorry to hear you had to go through that Notch. My heart and prayers go to you and your family.

pacmon• 14 years ago

This was a very lovely note to read. My father died about two hours ago. I miss him immensely.

quizotic• 14 years ago

beautifully written, and resonates with all us who have lost their dads. Thank you.

ranza• 14 years ago

and now i cry...

singleserv• 14 years ago

While there are sympathetic ears, I thought I would share my own story, just so I can let it out.

I'm the son of immigrants who worked hard to get me the best education that they could afford. My family have been through hard times and good times, and back to hard times recently since the housing bust.

Money had always been a thorn for as long as I can remember.

Some time during college, while tasting such freedom (education afforded by grants and loans from my father), I began to experiment and grow more distance from my parents. My mother was having a hard time for various reasons, and she was very disappointed that I didn't call her every week as she had asked.

I stopped calling, and sometimes ignored the calls. The relationship began to sour, with hateful messages left in voicemail, admonishing me for something or another.

It wasn't always bad. I would go back for holidays and such, but they would always say, that I need to visit every Christmas and Thanksgiving, because that is the right thing to do. It was always like that: I need to do something because it is the thing to do. I can't be friends with someone at school because they had a quarrel with my friend's parents, and it is the right thing to support your parents. I have to break up with my girlfriend (way back in highschool) because I need to focus on my college education. I need to repay them when I become rich because they provided for me.

I haven't seen them in 3 years now. I'm afraid my father is forever doomed to be guilted into providing for my mother, who forever states how she hates my father being inadequate in so many ways. She says she can't leave him because she has no way of sustaining herself. He says he loves her, and that she is ill and doesn't mean what she says to me and him, but I can't tell if he's lying to himself because the alternative is too sad to contemplate, him having cut off his relationship with his own mother and family because she compelled him to do so a long time ago.

Anyways. There's too much to this story. I can go on but the details don't matter.

I wish I had a cool story about my dad saving a dog in the ice. I don't. But I did have a loving family once. It got ripped apart by money and lies and insecurities, and I've been left with estrangement and a sense of longing for over three years now. I could give them a call, as I've done before, but I've been there once and it didn't help -- I feel like I'm healthier this way.

I'm thankful for my dad who continues to say that he believes in me, through sparse email correspondences. I'm thankful for my mother who insisted that I be educated well. I wish we had it better, and I wish this guilt doesn't last forever.

saraid2163• 14 years ago

As someone else whose story has some similarities, I can only encourage you to stand your ground. I'd recommend that, before you try again, build a support network of friends who are aware of the details of your story and at least mostly agree with you. The way to stay emotionally healthy when resuming contact is to have people to fall back on when things don't turn out well, to have people who'll support you whichever direction you jump.

toadi2• 14 years ago

My father was a alcoholic too. I hated him too and haven't seen him for years. Never wanted to have kids becaue I always think I'm not good enough.

Now I have a kid and even I'm doing better then my father I feel bad because I think I could do better. Because I want my own life and take care of him. Don't know if I balance it right....

Anyway your yought can make you strong or break you... You never know...

c141charlie• 14 years ago

Very moving. Now inverse the situation, where it's your child who dies. The pain would be at least 2x worse. And this is what happened in Connecticut today.

theltrj• 14 years ago

tragic, so sorry for your loss, thank you for sharing

bogatyrjov• 14 years ago

I understand when somebody writes an article in the format : "When I founded XXX, <some incredibly touching story>" or "I am <11-15> years old and this is my side project, check it out". But when You tell about someones death in your story to promote your product, if it is your close relative... I think it is disgraceful.

peterhost• 14 years ago

Haven't seen it mentionned a lot in comments, but it also happens that drugs are not the culprit. Your brain might be, or more largely your DNA. Drugs and alcohol are just ways (self destructive) to try and cope with the fact of simply being alive.

I had such an alcohool problem when i was 26 or so (some serious, drink alone thing). Only 10 years afterwards was i diagnosed with a problem in neuro-trnamitters, which another drug (medecine) just made disappear. I've been living 6 years in a world without fear and mental pain, since, something i've never experienced before. My brain was the main culprit.

I just wish we could advance our understanding of the brain so as not to serve people anymore of "god hate you" / "it's your fault" bullshit.

I'm gonna kick some creeper's asses tonight in memory of all the suffering ones (yeah, creeper's are good scapegoats, i know it's not their fault either;). Thx all of you for sharing, i've spent an interesting evenig reading the whole thing.

I love you, dad

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