Ask HN: How did yall meet your SO?

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=39265275

by yfh • 2 years ago

58 121 2 years ago

news.ycombinator.com

First of all, sorry if this is off-topic.

I am pushing 30 and have been unable to find a partner. I just wanted to hear your stories (maybe some advices, too).

airhangerf15• 2 years ago

I haven't and I'm 40 (you insensitive clod!)

thfuran• 2 years ago

Sometimes it feels like I've always known stack overflow.

ColinWright2• 2 years ago

I was at a ballroom dancing competition. I wasn't competing, I was there to support some friends, so during the free practice sessions between rounds I asked various women if they would care for a dance.

So my first words to the women who would become my wife were:

"Would you care for a quickstep?"

If you want to find a SO then you need to meet people. If you want to meet people you need to go where they are. So you need to have hobbies or activities that allow you to meet a wide range of people. You will already have at least one thing in common, so that's a start.

Go to a juggling club, or a walking club, or a dancing club. Play ultimate frisbee, join a maker space. Go and be where people are talking to each other.

Or use an on-line dating site and rely on the algorithms.

EDIT: We met when I was 32, we married when I was 39 ... there are storied to tell about the time in between, but this is not the place.

yfh5• 2 years ago

Thanks so much for the story

I want to, but I have no idea what hobbies to pickup or where to search for places where people hang. I walk for hours to fill the void, but I end up feeling even sadder.

ColinWright2• 2 years ago

If you walk on your own, or stay in on your own, then you won't meet people. To find someone you need to interact with people.

If you walk and walk and walk on your own, that's not going to help you meet people. I don't know where you are or what is around you, but is there a walking club? Is there a bridge club? is there a tennis club? Football?

It's almost axiomatic that if you want to met a SO then you need to meet people, so you need to find local clubs or societies that you can join.

Does your local library have a bulletin board with listings of clubs in the area?

Clearly it won't be easy because you haven't done it yet, but if you don't make the effort to find some way to interact with people, then you won't meet people, so you won't meet a (potential) SO.

anarticle• 2 years ago

The hobby doesn't matter, pick one and go with it.

D-Coder• 2 years ago

Meetup.com is free and has all kinds of interest groups. In my area, it has several dating / relationship groups.

NB, if you go to a "how to date / build a relationship" workshop or seminar, pretty much everyone there is single and looking.

rowborg• 2 years ago

Met my wife of now 13 years at age 30 via a group dinner put together by a mutual friend. A good friend of mine just met the love of her life at age 39 via online dating. Don't stress about getting older; when you find the right person it will just click.

I have no idea what hobbies to pickup or where to search for places where people hang.

I suggest that instead of finding a hobby that you think will help you meet people, you focus on what you love to do. If it's a solo activity (e.g. gaming, coding), go figure out how to do it socially (meetups, game nights, hackathons etc). Follow the stuff you love and use it to connect to people. It will allow you to be authentic and meet people who have the same interests as you and share your values.

Hang in there!

nrjames• 2 years ago

Not sure where you live and whether there's an opportunity nearby, but curling is a ton of fun and a very social sport. Check to see if there's a local curling club and, if so, whether they have an instructional league. I really enjoy the sport but it's the people that I've met while doing it that have been the best part. There's a tradition called "broomstacking" that follows games, where the winning and losing teams all sit around a table and socialize (maybe have a beer, etc.). Being heavily Canadian influenced, the #1 rule is not to disparage anybody else. The rude and mean folks kind of self-select out.

KptMarchewa2• 2 years ago

Rock climbing/bouldering

jurassicfoxy3• 2 years ago

If you like long long walks, you could check out trail running / ultramarathon groups. Lots of people to meet at free running nights, which is twice a week at every running store. You don't even have to run! Just walk!

Do you have a dog? You could do dog training. Do you do art? You could take art classes. Do you like to code? (Obviously) Go to coding meetups. Do you like writing/poetry? Go to poetry / open mic night. Do you like games? Check out gaming stores for social events.

Do NOT expect to get dates at these places: that's a bad strategy. But try to meet friends at these places. You meet partners by proxy, and by having fun with your friends.

As a straight male: it's a lot easier to meet guys than to meet girls. Use that strategy.

twunde• 2 years ago

One place to search is the local Parks and Rec website (for your town/city and potentially nearby ones). your town and/or library may also have their own separate events pages, which can be useful as well. Depending on your interests, it may also make sense to search for climbing gyms, dance classes, art classes and try them out. You can also find some things on Facebook and Instagram, but I find it hard to start out.

KyleJune• 2 years ago

Do you have any hobbies currently? If so look around for places where you can do that hobby with others. I think the Meetup app is good for that. Another option would be finding or creating posts on your city subreddit or nextdoor app.

Don't have a hobby that is good to do with others? Find one. Don't be afraid to be bad at it at first, you'll get better at it overtime. This past year I picked up strength training and this spring I'm going to try rock climbing more. I was surprised by how much I enjoy strength training, going into it, I thought it would feel like a chore that would be difficult to keep doing.

sujayk_33• 2 years ago

I'm saving this thread to get all the possible places to find a bride for future me. (I'm 21 and single).

bthallplz• 2 years ago

Through Facebook Dating of all places, despite neither of us using Facebook much. We were each just curious about the service and how it compared to other online dating platforms. My spouse reverse catfished me by posting mostly unflattering photos. We chatted first as friends, then it got flirty.

pushcx• 2 years ago

A friend's New Year's Eve party at age 31, though we didn't start dating for a year and a half. Don't sweat the time, the quality is all that matters.

nine_zeros• 2 years ago

A friend of a friend came to visit SF. I said yes to hanging out with them. Spent next 2 weeks being a human instead of leetcoding/busywork for management. The visiting friend and I hit it off like we were childhood friends. The rest is history.

Best decision of my life!

simonbarker873• 2 years ago

A level electronics class, first day made a b line to sit next to her and 20 years later we are still together. Sorry this isnt much help.

Most friends after later 20s have met through a mutual friend or a shared hobby/interest like tennis, CrossFit, hill walking, dancing etc. People meeting via apps hasn’t panned out well in the main.

hasoleju• 2 years ago

When you are older and don't have too much time meeting people because of work apps are totally finde.

I know this is anecdotal but I have two couples in my circle of friends that met via app, one couple already married. The other one moving in together. Both met when they where over 30.

simonbarker873• 2 years ago

It totally can work, but in the main my friends who have met people through them hasn’t gone well. The friends who have prioritised putting themselves in situations to meeting likeminded people seem to have a higher success rate (and a nicer less stressful time along the way)

saintfire• 2 years ago

Normally I wouldn't correct "b line" but it's actually a cool word "beeline", from the beekeeping practice of beelining to find hives.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beeline_(beekeeping)

simonbarker873• 2 years ago

Ah that’s fun, thanks for the correction :)

tshirttime2• 2 years ago

Brothel.

AnhTho_FR• 2 years ago

I'm just surprised no one said they met their SO on HackerNews...? :)

bruceb2• 2 years ago

Not that surprising. If most people are heterosexual and HN is heavily male.

jll293• 2 years ago

Because it's HackerNews, not BakerNews... sadly, statistics posits there still isn't enough interest in hacking with girl geeks (although I know some boy geeks who are teaching their daughters how to program etc.).

a_t48• 2 years ago

Tinder. Her first message was roasting the default Windows background I had in the background of some picture. Good times. :)

superfamicom• 2 years ago

We met on Tinder, both with "joke" profiles and neither of us seriously "playing the game". We ended up meeting and hitting it off. That was a decade ago and through COVID and everything else there is no one else I would rather work from home with and spend my whole day with.

aba_cz• 2 years ago

+2 for Tinder. Not me, I've met my wife through a mutual friend who knew both of us are single but 2 of my very good friends met their future wives there. Another terminally online friend met a girl on Discord in a game server. Started chatting, met in real life and the rest is history. Rest of my friends met offline: same hobby/friends/asking out in a bar/colleague/neighbor/etc.

blakblakarak• 2 years ago

I’m English so naturally it involved the pub, spilt drinks, some terrible dancing and lots and lots of beer.

the_third_wave2• 2 years ago

Hm, been there, spilled a pint of Guinness (sorry Yvonne but why did you have to wear white trousers that day?) - don't try inline skating with two pints in an Irish pub with a cobblestone floor - but that did not seem to do the trick.

designerbenny• 2 years ago

Live in a college town and be intriguing. People are consistent. Those who want to be in a committed relationship do so early. Waiting just filters for those who don't prioritize it.

pruetj• 2 years ago

Church. I was living in Long Beach, about 23 years old. I had searched for community through CrossFit, work, etc. but just didn’t quite fit in right. Finally, I went back to church after not attending for about 5 years figuring I could meet some new people there. Became a Christian and met my wife, been married almost 8 years now.

vinni22• 2 years ago

romeo.com

meheleventyone2• 2 years ago

I met my wife when we were both drunk in a bar in my early 30s. Did the classic one night stand, dating, move in together, have a couple of kids then get married pipeline.

Good hygiene, reasonable social skills and then putting yourself in the position to meet people seem generally how things go.

jll293• 2 years ago

move in together, have a couple of kids then get married pipeline

I know you might be a geek, but that really isn't the definition of "one-night stand"...

meheleventyone2• 2 years ago

With that level of misplaced pedantry I don’t think you have the right to call anyone a geek!

brianm• 2 years ago

Introduced by mutual friend

mixedmath• 2 years ago

I met my wife when in college.

We've had a couple of friends who met and started dating through a figure skating class (not so common, maybe --- this is also where a couple people in my wife's friend's group came from).

xupybd• 2 years ago

I met her at Church. We knew each other for years and from a friendship we were able to get to know each other. I asked her out, proposed on the second date and now we have two kids.

drewg123• 2 years ago

I met my ex-wife because she was stuck in vi (and it wasn't her fault). I was the new sysadmin for her academic dept (in 1993), and she was a new grad student. We had DECstations with keyboards where there was no ESC key, and ESC was mapped to F11. I remember cutting her off mid "i'm in vi, and i.." and said "F11" without looking up. When I looked up, I realized how cute she was, and eventually worked up the courage to ask her out several years later, when I worked in a different department. I also made an FAQ that week pointing out that F11 was ESC :)

I met my fiance the Friday in March, 2020 when the pandemic started.. we were both on a coast to coast flight that got cancelled. I had an airline lounge membership, and I offered to bring her into the lounge where the lines to talk to a human to re-book where shorter than the 200+ person long line in the terminal. We became facetime friends/quarantine buddies (she lives 1000mi from me) and eventually we got engaged last year. When my son graduates from high school, I'll move to be with her.

dopeboy• 2 years ago

Volunteered for a non-profit [0], where we taught kids how to code.

0 - https://codenation.org/

tuanx5• 2 years ago

Hinge. Had an awkward first date but a great second date where we debriefed the first one.

tootie• 2 years ago

Met her first year of college, first date two years after graduating. Coming up on 20th wedding anniversary and looking at colleges for our kids.

warp• 2 years ago

IRC

alanbernstein• 2 years ago

At a birthday party of a mutual friend. That friend is an extreme social butterfly. If you have a hard time meeting people via your own interests, find a friend like that (easier to do!) and tag along to meet a steady stream of new people.

dublinben• 2 years ago

Work. We stayed friends after moving on to other jobs, and eventually started dating several years later.

Every successful relationship I've had started out as friends. Any relationship where we weren't friends first was less successful. I've repeated this experiment enough times to be confident in my results.

jasonpeacock• 2 years ago

Online dating, we were both in our 30's.

I'd been meeting people through both IRL (work, group activities, friends-of-friends) and online dating since my 20's.

Stick with it :) Also, random relationship advice: you can love/date many people, but you can only live with a few of them. It can take a while to find someone that you love each other and can live with each other.

Tade0• 2 years ago

At a party actually, like some kind of digitally illiterate caveman.

Truth be told that was back when online dating wasn't as common as it is today. Tinder already existed, but wasn't particularly popular in my corner of the world yet.

As for advice: I don't have any, but I was the best man for a good friend of mine who met his wife when he was your age and that was the first woman to ever reciprocate his feelings. Also he "gave up on love" two years prior.

My observation is that couples typically eventually form wherever there's repeated in-person interaction.

jurassicfoxy3• 2 years ago

I have met several great partners through dating apps, but it's certainly not easy. Very demoralizing. It's a grind.

I met one partner at my sport club, one partner at UFC night (friend of a friend) and my current g/f I met through my brother. I would say it's certainly easiest to meet people "humanely" in person. It won't break your soul like online dating, but it honestly requires just as much effort.

You have to GO to parties. You have to hang out with your friends, a lot. You cannot be looking for a girlfriend, but try to keep expanding your circle. Like, I have some friends who do not have ONE attractive single friend. Attractive people congregate, so try to hang out with more interesting, sociable, attractive friends. This sounds like weird advice, but I think "choose your friends wisely" applies to many facets of life, and dating is certainly one of them.

zarlss43• 2 years ago

Little sisters friend all through grade school. I did a lot of traveling after high school, while she became a teacher and got married. Later on she got divorced and I moved back. Sister sets us up, and now I'm married to her.

spogbiper• 2 years ago

Bumble. She liked me, we chatted a little, met for a drink, ended up getting married a couple years later

russnewcomer• 2 years ago

When we both worked at an NGO in a mountainous desert country in a relatively peaceful period.

My advice is always, find the kind of thing that you want to be doing and then do it. In my case it was do something more meaningful with my life, in my now wife's case it was walk with the people in the country we were in. Our overall life aims were relatively close, and so one thing led to another.

croisillon• 2 years ago

there are a few common points between dating and looking for a job, one of them being: it's easier to find one if you already have one

another one is: the next one after a long relationship might not be very succesful

taylorhou• 2 years ago

I met mine in 6th grade after summer school where we initially met and then during regular school she ended up sitting behind me due to ABC order. She hated my guts for 10+ years but I stuck around and now we have 3 kiddos, another on the way, and are relatively happy =).

You're 20 years too late for that option but I see most 28+ year olds who actually try to put themselves out there finding partners while doing in-person hobbies (rock climbing, biking, running, puzzles, board game nights), from work (where it starts off as work banter), solo travel (example: getting scuba diving certification forces you to "buddy" up and getting drinks with instructor and other students after)

crmd• 2 years ago

Grindr (of all places!)

bruceb2• 2 years ago

Without additional info you are only going to get generic advice. Approximately where you live, basic background info.

techietim• 2 years ago

I met my wife at Church. I asked her out after the evening service and three weeks later we were married!

giancarlostoro• 2 years ago

Online (game then MSN), we were young, did the e-dating thing ;) then broke up, we lived a few hours apart, never met, skip some years for college, and about midway for me, we decide to meet up (Skype years), and never looked back (now we've got one kid, and a spoiled dog). For both of us it was always lingering.

I know a few people who met their significant other under similar circumstances, but honestly, you just have to be willing to meet people, if I see something in common with everyone else's comments here, is they went somewhere to meet new people or to spend time with friends, and voila met their loved one.

You won't find them sitting at home, unless you go somewhere to meet strangers online to talk to.

I've also heard of people meeting their SO on 4chan (though based on one friend's experience, I would not recommend this), someone else here commented they met their on HN. I won't be surprised if you can find one on Discord these days. One key thing if you want to find someone online not on a dating platform, look for communities with mutual interests as your own.

dc3k• 2 years ago

Tinder. Met up for a FWB kinda deal. Turned out we liked each other. Together nearly 4 years now.

moose333• 2 years ago

OKCupid, almost 10 years ago now. Moved in together less than a year after meeting, married a few years later.

jraines• 2 years ago

OKCupid, Manhattan. NYC is OP for 30-ish dating. I understand it’s gotten worse —not nyc specifically but online dating generally - but idk if that’s just noise that Xitter inexplicably wants to fill my timeline with. This was 2014, just as Tinder was taking off but at the time OKC was very good. My now-wife (married 2017) was the only sub-95 match score I contacted or that contacted me.

bdcravens• 2 years ago

Church. It's not my jam these days, but at the time it was. 15 years later, we are still together. She's conservative, me less so, but we connect in the ways that matter. (One example: she's really into green living, something her social circle really isn't, and I am.)

You'll be disappointed if you force the issue. Participate in the things that bring you joy with other people. Don't start trying to date when you first meet people.

Don't worry about your age. My wife and I were in our early-mid 30s when we met.

Evaluate your reasons. Loneliness? Feeling less complete by some standards? Sexual frustration? etc. Don't worry about whether those reasons are "right". Just be honest with yourself, so that you can be honest with someone else. You may even find that you're looking for the wrong thing, which is a path towards unhappiness (there's a reason why 50% of marriages end in divorce)

JackMorgan2• 2 years ago

Working as a translator for a non-profit humanitarian organization in Mexico. She was going to be my replacement so she came along with the higher ups to survey all the build sites so I could introduce her to all our local contacts.

Turned out she was pretty badass, so we stayed in contact and ended up getting married a year later, going on 16 years this summer.

As to other people I dated I just met so many people. I am into lots of social clubs like climbing, soccer, flag football, CrossFit, hiking, group figure drawing, board games, and meetups. I met so many people this way, plenty of them single. I also think I was able to meet enough single people that I somehow got over a lot of my anxiety about talking to people, and didn't get quite so many "hard crushes". That made it easier to realize there's a lot of people out there who would be extremely incompatible with me, and also just how to be myself and be friendly while taking a genuine interest in whoever I was talking to, regardless of their potential dating status.

I definitely see a lot of people who meet one person and get completely into puppy love without knowing the other person at all. They get infatuated with their looks, which is extremely important, but then never get deep enough to check for compatibility on financial and life goals. Also, at least for me, it's really hard to be authentic when I'm completely head over heels for a person.

I'm also lucky in an important way: I'm pretty short. I think a lot of potential partners aren't immediately crushing on me either, so I'm able to genuinely get to know them without them trying super hard to impress me either. The few times I've met people who had huge crushes on me we didn't get very far, they always wanted to tell me whatever they thought I wanted to hear.

renewiltord• 2 years ago

At work. The startup that we were at was quite close-knit, and most of us were friends. Quite a few of us are now married couples.

ClarkAulden• 2 years ago

Middle school, but we didn't date until after we became close friends and that didn't happen until the last year of high school.

the_third_wave2• 2 years ago

Coming back from a 4 month expedition - hitched a ride from Vancouver to Whitehorse, paddled a canoe from Whitehorse to Emmonak and Alakanuk at the Bering Strait, then to Anchorage from where we hitched a ride to the start of the Alaska Marine Highway at Haines, took that to Prince Rupert, then The Queen of the North [1] to Vancouver Island, hiked through the Carmanah wilderness, back to Vancouver from where we planned to fly back on the 11th of September 2001 - which of course did not happen - we went to a new years' eve party in the UK. I had set my mind on moving to Canada but met a Swedish woman at that party. Sweden is just like Canada, right? Now that Canada is turning into the Peoples Republic of Trudeaunia I'd say I made the better choice in more than one way...

[1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/MV_Queen_of_the_North

kaycebasques• 2 years ago

At a techno club! I went by myself and was just dancing a little in the back. She approached me and said hello. We danced for a little bit but I was tired and was about to go home so I asked if I could take her on a date. The power of "putting yourself out there" I suppose. I was also peacocking pretty strongly in those days. Signaling that you care about your personal presentation is definitely a "can't hurt, might help" tactic!

I think those are all the relevant facts about how we met but I'll also mention that "meeting your SO" is very much like "getting your foot in the door" for a job interview. "Keeping your SO" is a whole different game akin to "getting the job offer" or "performing well at that job long-term" or better yet, "embarking on a deep spiritual journey". I recommend reading The Soul Of Sex by Thomas Moore for getting in the right headspace of "keeping an SO". I recall The Art Of Loving by Erich Fromm also being helpful. Like any other major endeavor in life, my bet is that I have to commit to a lifelong learning process; in my case I'm always trying to improve my communication, keep the relationship fun, fiercely protect the trust we've built up, keep the passion going, etc. Good luck! We've only been married for two years (together 4 total) so definitely don't put too much weight on my perspective - just a fellow traveler like yourself sharing what's worked for me so far

Kailhus• 2 years ago

I don’t recall writing this! Hah. Very similar experience but she saw me rolling a cigarette and went out to discuss everything and nothing.

thrill• 2 years ago

My wife was taking a shortcut through the boys' dorm (back when there were such things) and I was standing outside my door, using an extra long phone cord (bwtwst) while ordering a pizza with my shirt off (back when I regularly ran and lifted for fitness) because we didn't have air conditioning (bwtwst), and as she was wandering by she gave me a serious once over and smile in passing, getting a raised eyebrow from me. We met entirely accidentally a few days later at, well, a local pizza joint and laughed about the whole thing. That was 48 years ago and we still like pizza, though I have to spend a butt-sore load of time on the Ergatta these days to make up for it.

Advice? Think about and do more of what makes you happy and gets you out and about and go do that. Maybe you'll meet someone to share it with and maybe you won't but it will help your own perspectives.

max_2• 2 years ago

I am approaching 30 too.

For some reason, I am planning to get mine from RoseBrides.

andrewinardeer• 2 years ago

Twitter about 13 years ago.

max_2• 2 years ago

What is the meaning of 'SO'? I don't get it.

matheist• 2 years ago

"Significant Other", i.e. romantic partner (typically in the context of a long-term committed monogamous romantic relationship).

marssaxman• 2 years ago

We were each dating other people, friends who shared a rental house, and met each other at one of their parties. After several years of casual acquaintance, other relationships having come and gone, we each happened to find ourselves single, and went out on a date. It was a great success; years later, we have a nice house and a little family, and we are quite contentedly in it together for the rest of our lives.

On the other hand... when I was just a couple years older than you are, I went to a Halloween rave at an abandoned school; after a couple hours' dancing, I sat down for a breather, struck up a conversation with the woman who happened to be next to me, lost track of time, fell madly and more or less instantly in love, and spent the next several years struggling through a whirlwind of high drama and occasionally-violent chaos culminating in a devastating divorce. ::shrug::

yfh5• 2 years ago

Thats really nice. What did you talk about?

FiatLuxDave• 2 years ago

I met my ex-wife during a visit to a customer site.

I used to work for a medical device company. We worked closely with a chain of local clinics, early users of our products. One of the therapists there was having trouble with a dosimetry system, and she would call me up for help. "That box is broken again", she would say. She always called the system "that box". Usually it was just a user error, but on one occasion there was a genuine hardware problem, so I drove down to the clinic to fix it.

When I walked into the clinic with my armful of equipment, there was a tall beautiful redhead working at the front desk. She looked at me, and seeing that I did not look much like a cancer patient, she asked, "Who are you?"

"I'm here to fix your box", I said.

She smiled at me, glanced down, and said, "I'm pretty sure that mine is working fine."

She guided me to the back where the therapist was messing around with the dosimetry system. Over the next hour, while I fixed the system, the attractive redhead from the front desk kept sneaking back to talk and flirt with me. As I was finishing up, I tried to think of a good way to ask her out. She walked up to me, shoved a piece of paper in my hand, and cutely ran away. On the paper was written her phone number and 'You better call me'.

I wish I had advice to give. Meeting Kim was pure luck for me.

yfh5• 2 years ago

That was a really cool story, too sad it didn't work out. Thanks.

easywood• 2 years ago

The best advice I can give you: create maximum opportunity to regularly meet the same people, in a casual setting. By that I mean join sports clubs, hobbies, church, reading clubs, volunteering, anything really. Pick as many as you can handle.

Make sure you: - get to know a lot of people, in a positive context - be interested in them, get to know them. Let them in your life, get them to know you too. - meet them regularly - make sure it's a casual setting so nothing's forced.

Any person you get to know well (man or woman) is a gateway to someone else ("have you met my friend"). A large social network is key.

I read that you go on walks - get a dog too. This is awesome for starting conversation.

mynameisnoone2• 2 years ago

You don't need a dog to start conversation, but it's a very lazy way to get others to start conversation with you. Be the source, not a consumer of other people's initiative.

frizlab• 2 years ago

The very classic: a friend introduced me. It was not love at first sight at all, but we’re now happily married.

https://xn--maria-franois-rgb.wedding/en/story.html

miloignis• 2 years ago

At trivia at a bar as a part of a larger team composed of mutual friends. We went to multiple events as a part of the same group, became friends, then when it was clear there was mutual attraction, started going out. (we both decided to ask the other out, but we planned for different ends of the holidays, so my eventual wife beat me to the punch and made the first move.) I'll echo others advice that a large, regular, friendly, casual social group is key (and beyond just a means to an end, can/should be very fun and fulfilling in itself!) My friends/regular social events helped me through a bad breakup, and friend-of-a-friend at a regular social event is how I eventually found my wife!

yfh5• 2 years ago

I guess that's my problem, I don't have a lots of friends. Don't know how to make them. And I work from home so that's one avenue closed.

nunez• 2 years ago

okcupid back in 2013. we were a 93% match! we're probably a 95% match now LOL

swozey• 2 years ago

I've met like 80-90% of my partners on tinder and prior to that okc. All serious relationships contrary to the "it's just for hookups" meme that goes on.

SAI_Peregrinus2• 2 years ago

OKCupid. I'm male. I'm not ugly or out of shape, but not particularly attractive (IMO). I filled out a decent profile. My (now) wife messaged me first.

In general, I had success during the dating phase by looking at the woman's profile, finding something interesting, and then making my initial message reference that. Gets a conversation starter, stands out from the thousands of "hey" messages. If there was nothing interesting, I just moved on to the next person.

One thing I consider important that I did was to make a list with 5 categories: "No-go" aspects that I'd break off a potential relationship over, "must have" aspects I would require, "prefer not to have" traits I'd rather avoid but would compromise if there weren't many, and "prefer to have" traits where I could accept the absence if there weren't many, and lastly "don't care" traits. The list wasn't the important part, but evaluating my own preferences & deciding what I truly cared about was important.

JackMorgan2• 2 years ago

What was on your four lists if you don't mind sharing?

bschne• 2 years ago

The list wasn't the important part, but evaluating my own preferences & deciding what I truly cared about was important.

I get the temptation, I got very curios too and my first impulse would be asking the same, but maybe it might be better to just sit down and make one's own list instead.

abnercoimbre• 2 years ago

I'll spare you my gay saga, but to cheer you up:

Thanks to medical strides and our indoor-loving HN crew [0], hitting 30 is simply not a crisis. The phrase "30's are the new 20's" is something to live by.

You've got loads of time ahead, no worries.

[0] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vjqt8T3tJIE. Explores why previous generations looked older when they were our age.

MattPalmer1086• 2 years ago

I was helping out my friend who was teaching a drama class. A very cute woman approached me and we talked for ages. It was just instantly so easy to talk with her, although I wasn't actually attracted to her at first. I just enjoyed being around her and thought we'd be friends. And we kept enjoying being around each other. Still together nearly 25 years later.

I'm not good with dating and flirting in general. I had many friends who were just magnets; if they were around I was invisible, and they didn't seem to have to do anything. I can't replicate that.

So the only advice I can give is create opportunities to meet people, and don't stress about it too much. You will meet someone it clicks with eventually.

jemmyw• 2 years ago

Messaged a friend to see if he'd be coming to my 20th birthday party. His sister answered back that he'd left his phone at home. Asked if she wanted to come too. Kept texting with her for a few days, made plans for a date... got pissed and slept together a week before said date. But it worked out and we've been together for 20 years.

macshaggy• 2 years ago

I was 32 and didn't want a relationship with anyone. I was down on dating. I went to a leather bar. I meet my SO playing a video game. He took me home. We were married 21 years later and have been together for 24 years last month.

He was the last person I expected to want to be in a relationship, yet, I couldn't imagine not being with him since we met.

Just put yourself out there and live your life. Expect nothing from no one. Enjoy yourself being single and get to know who the heck you are.

That is the only advice. If you are out there living life, expecting nothing, and enjoy everything that life has to give good and bad; someone will take notice and want to be with you.

cafard• 2 years ago

Work. She worked for a customer of my employer.

aprdm• 2 years ago

Bumble (Dating app), met a lot of great people over there.

warpspin• 2 years ago

I founded a social network website in the late 90ies which was mainly successful in Germany (till Facebook showed up to the party and steamrolled all other sites) but still lives on, albeit tiny nowadays. My now wife was a friend of my ex on that website and asked her if they can play some Mario Kart online. My ex told her that I took the Wii with me during separation, so she messaged me instead and we started playing Mario Kart regularly while cursing each other in Skype.

A while later she needed a place to sleep for a longer visit to my home town, I offered my sofa for that time and during that week we lived together we noticed we're very compatible - rest is history.

neuronsong• 2 years ago

I had a job running the computer lab at the College of Nursing when I was attending University. Lot's of women with lot's of computer questions. I remember teaching my future wife how to use a mouse for the first time... and send an email for the first time. Yes, it was a while ago. Anyway... my advice would be to find real life places where people you are attracted to congregate... and go there... maybe find out what they are interested in and be interested in it as well... and then approach and talk to a bunch of them. Church never worked for me. Dancing did... but I didn't want to marry a dancer. Singing did... but I didn't want to marry a singer. Bar-hopping did... but I didn't want to marry any of them either. Turns out I have a thing for brainy nurses who also like Star Trek. Who knew.

simonsarris• 2 years ago

I drink coffee every single day but for several years I refused to make it at home. Instead I'd visit a coffee shop at minimum once per day. This was to have more social interaction (I was quite shy and had few coworkers), and the chance to say thank you to at least one person a day.

I have met a hundred people this way, by simply going to a cafe every day until the people became familiar, and this includes my wife (and the shop owners, the mayor, roommates, a sculptor, enough friends to make a liquor tasting group, etc).

Interactions with other people have to be more deliberate. It's harder than ever to bump into people. It won't happen by accident, you have to do it. It is worth spending lots of time and a little money to be more social.

vinni22• 2 years ago

I'd visit a coffee shop at minimum once per day.

Assuming you bought at least a cup of coffee each visit and average cup costs 3$ thats $1095 per year spent. Do you still go everyday? I guess it’s worth it

mynameisnoone2• 2 years ago

The socioeconomic stats say the "best place" to meet someone is college because it's an implicit filter.

Most of the good dates I met were from bookstores.

sircastor• 2 years ago

I was at a Valentine's day church activity. We were decorating cookies, I sat down at a table to talk to a woman I thought was pretty. At the and when moved onto the next activity, the only person other than me to show up was a different woman at the same table.

We've been married 17 years next month.

Note: I love these stories (and I love mine too), but it's important to remember that these are all just meet-cutes. They don't represent key components to a good relationship. It seems like the thing they have in common is socializing.

AndrewDucker• 2 years ago

Goth nightclub. We got chatting, kept chatting, fell for each other, moved in together, had kids. I'm leaving a lot out, but it was a very fast moving year or so.

ApolloRising• 2 years ago

Tango class - Trust me on this one

My CTO and myself both met our wives at a Tango class for beginners. Take a long one that lasts several weeks. Everyone is terrible at first, nobody cares about looking stupid, and everyone knows that in a few weeks you will start to enjoy it beyond initial expectations.

Women out number men 3:1 in a tango class, you won't get better odds anywhere else that I have seen. After a bunch of lessons you will go to a Milonga which is an open dance where a lot of people from all the classes of all levels show up. Your odds go up to 6:1 if you are halfway decent since the ratio will be even more in your favor.

Your age is perfect for Tango.

solardev• 2 years ago

OkCupid. I met my partner in my mid-30s too, and we've been together for ~3 years now. Or was it 4..? Shit, I should know these things, lol.

Before Match.com bought them, OkCupid used to be a really amazing service for those of us who wanted more nuanced matches. Decades ago, it used to have detailed user-curated quizzes that everyone could answer, then it'd match you by % similarity and dissimilarity based on how you answered and weighted the questions.

Today the system has been drastically dumbed down and made more swipeable and similar to the other dating apps (sigh), but at least as of 3-4 years ago, it was still more informative than the other apps. You could have detailed profiles with paragraphs of text, answer and weigh questions (though they're no longer the only, or perhaps main, part of the matching algorithm). It's not as much as before, but still way more than the mere 1-2 sentences that other swipe-based apps give you.

I wrote a lot about myself on the profile, both humorous and serious, with the sort of honest self-reflection that being a 30-something gives you. Mentioned my hobbies, values, quirks, etc., and was honest about the things I did not want (namely, kids or a heavy focus on job ambition/money).

I was traveling through the US at that point (and honest about that), my now-partner found me and messaged me first, took me on a hike... and the rest was history.

---------------------

I'm not particularly attractive or unattractive, maybe 6.5/10. I didn't make much money (was working for a nonprofit then), had no house or assets, etc., but also didn't have much baggage (no addictions, no bad exes, had all my teeth, whatever). We both loved the outdoors and bonded primarily over that. In the years to come, we'd find ourselves very different, almost polar opposites in terms of personalities (I'm way more outgoing & adventurous, she's way more grounded and stable), but none of it really came as a surprise. Our OkCupid selves were pretty true to our real ones, and we never had a fight through these years (disagreements, sure, but we were very good at communicating and resolving them).

What I'm getting at is that we're both just ordinary people, nothing exceptional in any way, but we were at peace with that and looking for a compatible SO to nurture and treasure, and we found that in each other. We didn't go looking for the hottest date or the sexiest gentleman or the fittest athlete or whatever, just two nice enough people looking for the same. We're also of the same generation (older Millennial) and grew up before tech made sex & dating trivial, so maybe we still had more of that old-school mentality when it comes to partnerships (meaning serial monogamy, plus honesty/trust above all).

She was my 4th or so actual relationship (but like 20th or 30th online date). I was a similar relationship # for her, but it was her first time looking online (lucky her, lol, many of my women friends had terrible experiences and way too many dick pics).

I'll say that in all the time I've used OkCupid (10-15 years+?), I never had a bad experience. Sure, not every date worked out. Many did not have a 2nd date. But none of they were ever "bad"; I had a good time at them, just didn't match IRL. I also tried pretty much all the other apps but they all seemed much more shallow, both during the online messaging phase and also in terms of the effort people put in even when we did meet up. I had better luck on Bumble than most of the rest, but OkC was still the best for what I was looking for (serious partnerships). Keep in mind this was like 2020-2021 though, so maybe things are different now.

---------------

As for advice, it's hard to say anything useful without knowing your situation, but I will say that I was also a very late bloomer. Didn't have my first kiss until 29 years old, was a virgin into my mid early or late 30s, was always the "nice guy" that women passed over.

In my 20s, I was an absolute shitshow both romantically and also just in general. Over the years I gradually grew up, accumulated better behaviors (exercising more, eating better, dressing more nicely -- I just mean as in fun shirts, not suits and ties or sports coats -- and doing more social things, like in Meetup). I worked on my mental health a lot too, a combination of therapy, good friends, and time in nature. By my mid-30s, I was getting dates left and right, but I don't really think I changed all that much... probably the women in that age bracket were more open-minded to different kinds of men, not just your stereotypical jocks, and suddenly being a "nerdy" professional type was a bonus instead of a setback.

I'm also still really good friends with many of the women from my younger days, whether my exes or just platonic friends -- that's something not a lot of men necessarily have, and I consider myself very lucky for that. That was an unexpected upside to being the "best friend, but not dating material" from that era... eventually we all grow up and find partners, but stable, long-term cross-sex friendships are much harder to come by in middle adulthood.

Hang in there, and keep trying! Maybe an honest self-reflection would help? Or ask your friends for a review, especially if you have any women friends (but make it clear it's not about them, you just want some advice in general). Or post anonymously on this forum or another and see what strangers think of you. Identify your weaknesses, work on them, focus on your strengths... but don't be too hard on yourself. Find opportunities to have fun, develop passions, and let them shine through. People can overlook small flaws (everyone's got them) if you have something big and bright to sell them on. They're looking for a story about you that they can believe; your job is to bring that out in yourself as honestly as you can. It's hard work but totally worth it. Even if you don't find someone immediately, doing that will just make you happier anyway, even when you're alone, and in turn make others more interested in you. Insecurity and self-loathing are huge turn-offs. That's not to say you should wear false bravado, but develop sincere positives about yourself, co-developing self-efficacy (what you think about your abilities) along with your self-esteem (how you feel about yourself) so that the two feed into each other.

Have fun, be respectful to the people you meet, love yourself and others more... the rest just kinda fall into place eventually!

GlibMonkeyDeath• 2 years ago

College - we knew each other casually for a year or two. We discovered we had a sport we liked in common, and started doing it together. After a few outings, went back to her place to make out.

Been married 30+ years.

Like others have said, find something that lets you spend a lot of time with people (sports, volunteering, religion...), and meet frequently. Don't worry about age, a fair number of my happily married friends met in their 30's and beyond.

bradlys• 2 years ago

I want to give you a thought to hesitate on any of the anecdotes you’re reading here.

The dating landscape has dramatically changed for single people around the age of 30. If you go online, you’ll see that there are two emerging patterns: men are spending way more time being single than they were before and online dating is the most dominant way people are getting into a relationship. You’ll notice most folks aren’t going to reference either of those things…

A lot of the anecdotes you’ll be reading are going to be for a different time and culture and environment. Where you currently live has a huge effect on your success as well and not everyone is going to share such things. For instance, I’m in NYC and SF. There is no lack of educated and highly paid men in these areas. How many people in this thread met their partners in such a competitive landscape and did it within the last few years? Probably few posting here…

Personally, I met my only partner through social dancing and that has been the only way I’ve ever met anyone for anything. But I am also uniquely ugly, short for modern standards, and incredibly weak looking thanks to decades long IBS constantly sabotaging my bulking efforts at the gym. Social dancing allowed for women to close their eyes and just experience how I made them feel. They didn’t have to look at my ugly mug, they could just feel something else entirely. I don’t have a nice feeling body btw, I just move well. It’s always something those few women would talk about - how I dance with them and make them feel in that moment. That said, I don’t recommend it as an avenue. It’s incredibly challenging to get good at as a lead to where you will impress women enough to get over your homely looks (and even then, that’s a shrinkingly small demographic in today’s landscape…) and requires immense time and dedication… oh and there is a ton of competition involved. Everytime an attractive woman walks into a venue, every man in that venue will be approaching and making a move. You will be in a competition and will have to be very crafty about it. You will lose 999/1000.

That said, I’ve dedicated 15 years of my life to it. It started to pay off around year 7-8 when I met my ex.

I’ve tried most everything else as well btw. Sports, rock climbing, hiking, parties, etc. I come back to the dance thing because everything else kinda sucks more and is more predetermined on your genetics even more so. Most anyone can dance short of some disability. Just cause you’re short or ugly or don’t have great muscle building genes doesn’t mean you can’t dance. So, that’s a nice part of it.

gregjor• 2 years ago

Saw her working at a grocery store. Asked her out, got a no. Tried again, third try worked. We had to use Google Translate because of language barrier. Together since our first date, married 10 years.

radar1310• 2 years ago

I met my wife in the lobby of a ski resort I worked at. I was 35 she was 28. We both had never been married. We got married a year later and are still married 35 years later.

Daviey• 2 years ago

I met my previous SO when we were both too young to be ready for what came next. As others have said, activities are a great way to find someone. We found each other doing Skydiving. Not nearly as exciting as it sounds, it was actually sat around waiting for the shitty weather to improve whilst drinking tea. But it was something we had in common and regularly did until we had kids... which we rushed into.

Now the kids are older, we both moved on. I've found my SO through work (different field, not tech) but through common work friends. We spend much more time engaging with each other, and is a much different relationship.

I think the main thing to look at is why you aren't finding someone. Are you open to it in your head? It might be worth getting some coaching for an outside perspective.

tommiegannert• 2 years ago

My parents met at the funeral of a relative's common friend.

I never got the story clarified more than that, but they were in their thirties.

tshirttime2• 2 years ago

*Grief is nature's most powerful aphrodisiac" -- Chazz (Wedding Crashers, 2005).

jll293• 2 years ago

Moved to a department in another country for work, got a mandatory introduction into the annoying expense reclaim process for new employees there. She was from finance and instructed me, I was from R&D. Expenses were duly filed, we were friends, eventually more, got married, now have a child and today is our 12th anniversary.

hackeraccount• 2 years ago

My wife went to grade school with woman who went to college with a woman who went to high school with a woman who I worked with. There was a dinner and my name got mentioned and next thing you know I'm talking to my future wife on the phone. After that it was just one short date before she told another friend that she was never going out with me again.

Didn't work out the way she thought though.

simne5• 2 years ago

Networking is answer. And yes, two advises.

First, attend as many events as you could (as health accept :) ). Good to attend with potential partner. Always gather contacts.

Second, give others a try. This is very important, many humans are not brave enough to make appointment, so you should keep your eyes opened and invite others. Also, first meet is not easy for most people, so give second chance. Sometimes need to push.

It is very possible, you already meet your future partner, you just need to remember her or him and call.

And sorry, third advice: some people are not ready for relations NOW, but they will be ready in some future. Psychologists named this "make touch", when you periodically make delicate attempts to remember about yourself. You don't need to make full-featured date, may be just attend some event. Yes, when somebody said "Not" it could be "Not now", remember this.

And the last advice, some people avoid to make first move, or their move could looking confusing or weird, or they could even afraid to do this. Be careful to catch this and make your move brave and enough delicate but strong and fast.

simne5• 2 years ago

If you hate sales, try pickupers - they will also train you to see if somebody interested in you, and if not.

I'm very serious - if you will trained to see in crowd somebody interested in you, this will make your chances quadrupled at least.

simne5• 2 years ago

BTW, may be helpful if you identify your socionics type (sociotype) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Socionics

Also may be helpful your astrology sign.

"Where can representatives of the Zodiac signs look for love in the second half of February 2024?

Aquarius is the eleventh sign from Aries. Accordingly, Aries, remember if you have a certain pretty person hanging out in your friend zone. Also, visit companies more often these days.

Taurus, Aquarius is the tenth sign for you. Look in government agencies or in places where the cream of society gathers.

Gemini, you should pay attention to those with whom you studied at the University. You can look for love on a trip abroad. You can also go to church, just don’t make a sad face there.

Cancer, love can come to you in extreme situations during these two weeks. You can also go into the bank and shoot around with your eyes, you’ll see what happens.

Leos, love will find you on its own, you are so magnificent. Shine as always.

Virgos, you can go in search of love to your usual places - medical institutions, bird markets, veterinary hospitals. You can also have an affair at work. Forget at least for a while about your hyper-responsibility.

Libra, go where people enjoy life - festive events, restaurants, theaters, entertainment centers.

Scorpios, fate will find you at home in these two weeks. You can actually sit at home and look out the window.

Sagittarius, your places to hunt for love are shops, schools, public transport.

Capricorns, go to places where people eat. And you will be happy.

Aquarius, just like Leo, you just need to shine during these two weeks. No matter where, no matter with whom. Love will fall on you unexpectedly in an Aquarius way." :)

simne5• 2 years ago

"Pisces, Aquarius is your 12th sign. Therefore, devote these two weeks to walks in nature or helping the orphaned and wretched of all stripes, try yourself in the role of Mother Teresa and you will be happy."

Ask HN: How did yall meet your SO?

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