Regrets of the Dying (2010)

https://bronnieware.com/blog/regrets-of-the-dying/

by yamrzou • 4 years ago

149 142 4 years ago

Ariarule• 4 years ago

Robin Hanson expressed some doubts about this list back in 2010: https://www.overcomingbias.com/2010/11/deathbed-regret-is-fa...

coldtea2• 4 years ago

I don't find his arguments any good. Basically "my wife is also a nurse and she haven't heard many" and "they're no good anyway".

Ms. Ware said regrets are expressed “when questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently”; my wife isn’t thrilled about this as a care technique.

Or:

Deathbed folks are usually far from their analytical peak – they are often in great pain, and rather muddle-headed. So why would we think their comments especially insightful?

It also gets comically reductionistic:

Added 9a: Stephen Smith suggests these regrets are the predictable result of opiate pain medication.

But I think it's more about the author trying to force his opinion, when it's not really needed, insightful, or that useful.

steve_g• 4 years ago

I think "my wife is a hospice worker who has provided care to over 5000 patients and hasn't heard these regrets" is a pretty decent argument. I'm not saying Hanson is right, but I wouldn't dismiss his wife's experience.

amerine• 4 years ago

I don’t necessarily trust the provenance of the regrets, but I do find that the regrets listed do invoke some thought about my life and the future, and so I appreciate it!

dang• 4 years ago

The Top of My Todo List (2012) - https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=28238124 - Aug 2021 (18 comments)

Top five regrets of the dying - https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=9689907 - June 2015 (5 comments)

The Top Of My Todo List - https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=3872613 - April 2012 (185 comments)

Regrets of the Dying - https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=3646379 - Feb 2012 (4 comments)

Top five regrets of the dying - https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=3542280 - Feb 2012 (1 comment)

Top Five Regrets of the Dying - https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=3331535 - Dec 2011 (1 comment)

Top 5 Regrets People Make on their Deathbed - https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=2615886 - June 2011 (51 comments)

Regrets of the Dying - https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=1643239 - Aug 2010 (90 comments)

WheelsAtLarge5• 4 years ago

People should note that having dreams without figuring out how to get them accomplished is a sure way to have regrets. We are told that we should chase our dreams with the idea that if we wish hard enough they will come true - popular entertainment re-enforces it. I think that's why there are so many people that buy lottery tickets hoping their dreams will come true once they have the instant money of a win. But the reality is that only a few people will win the lottery. It's by design. The lottery is built with the idea that only a tiny percent will ever get the big money. This seems like it's obvious but a large number of people just believe that dreams come true by luck. So keep in mind that most dreams are achievable you just have to work towards them by setting up a life plan.

-Define dream

-Set up a plan to the goal/dream

-execute plan until achieved - but review on a set time table to make sure you are heading in the right direction.

Start, life really is short.

sgt1012• 4 years ago

I buy lottery tickets because it's fun (for me) to pretend that I will win. It's playing as in "lets pretend" and "dressing up". I know that it's 1:14,000,000 against and I know how big a 1,000,000 is.

Dreaming in the longer run is good, and goals can provide meaning and structure in what is essentially a meaningless and chaotic world. Living in the moment is also good, playing is good.

saiya-jin2• 4 years ago

Sure, but you can also direct all that time, money and energy towards something much more rewarding, with real and very probable chances of succeeding, instead of string of little failures to win for rest of your life.

For example I have a long term dream of being self-sufficient paraglider, Icarus dream and all that. I live in a country where its hard to have full course (2 weeks minimum) unless you speak fluent french, which I don't yet. I have 2 tiny little small kids. I have had some recent injuries which delay/block similar efforts. But I didn't give up, waited patiently till suddenly I had a window for the course. Did it, and now looking for spring to continue the momentum, whenever family situation allows it.

Some other activities would be much easier (and cheaper) to get into. But somehow I knew and felt that this will be very rewarding for me, combining hiking up and flying down the mountains.

I don't call them dreams - those are rather impossible situations like me free floating on ISS looking a dark space around Earth, stars, moon and milky way. Or winning lottery. Goals is much better term for me, there are clear actionable steps to get there. Compared to this dream, paragliding is peanuts to achieve.

tome• 4 years ago

I buy lottery tickets because it's fun (for me) to pretend that I will win.

Can't you pretend you will win without buying the tickets?

vmception2• 4 years ago

I buy lottery tickets because I like the privilege of not being poor enough for the purchase to be a tax on me, lottery tickets are often called a tax on the stupid or a tax on the poor, both are said. why not just entertainment?

so I just like to think “l.o.l, privilege” when I buy

one of the $595 hourly rates from cpa and legal beats my lottery ticket purchases any year, shrug

I’ve traded options with a greater negative expected value than powerball

newaccount74• 4 years ago

I don't think unrealistic dreams have to lead to regrets. I have a dream home, and I don't think I'll ever build it, and that's fine. I like occasionally thinking of my dream home, it makes me happy, and I don't need to actually have it become a real home.

Since it's just a dream, I don't have to worry about where to build it, or if the things I dream about are practical, and I don't have to worry about any trade-offs, since it's just a dream.

Even if I had a million dollars, and I could afford to build it, who knows if it would even work? There's a reason why real life houses don't look like my dream home, and I assume it's because of some things that I'm not thinking about when fantasising about my dream house.

So, I'm perfectly happy with having unfulfilled dreams.

burntoutfire2• 4 years ago

I believe that majority of people don't have a dream.

Loughla2• 4 years ago

I disagree.

I believe a majority of people have a dream. Source: my decades in higher education working with families and students - literally everyone has a dream about their future.

What they don't have is a plan.

jiggunjer• 4 years ago

People should note that having dreams without figuring out how to get them accomplished is a sure way to have regrets.

Disagree. My dream is to revolutionize my field of science. This is practically unattainable, but that doesn't I'll regret being a scientist and solving smaller problems.

I.e. It's not the destination, but the road traveled.

nathias• 4 years ago

So keep in mind that most dreams are achievable you just have to work towards them by setting up a life plan.

No, no they aren't, especially if you haven't already won the birth lottery. We're coming in an era of decreasing social mobility, where the majority will drown in poverty.

CaptArmchair2• 4 years ago

If only it were that easy.

Life goals and dreams are hard because of their innate complexity to achieve them. It's easy to state "I want to start a family" or "I want to become a business owner" or "I want to climb Everest". It's the execution which is hard because that relies on so many variables most of which you don't really control.

Social background, economic background, your health, your personality, your skills and abilities, your awareness of opportunities or lack thereof, ingrained beliefs and biases, education level, culture, current events, family dynamics, upbringing,...

The notion that you're in control of what happens in your life is a convenient belief, not a hard fact. It's only when that belief is shattered by hard reality that you start to understand that life doesn't necessarily follow the script you had in mind when you're young.

The kicker then is understanding that happiness isn't to be found only when you reach the end of the rainbow, when you finally achieve the dream. It's there along the road, between the rubble and troubles that life throws at you. It's found in what you make out of each day you're given in good health.

vianneychevalie• 4 years ago

I'm young and that's probably the reason why I'm less cynical. Hurdles can't be a reason not to run the race. For me it's like project management: you're 100% sure that nothing is going to go according to the plan, and that you'll end up far from the target, but still, planning is better than not planning. And adapting the plan along the way is best.

tcgv• 4 years ago

While I agree that there are a lot of factors we don't control, we can put that into perspective for evaluating how feasible a "life goal" is.

There's a culture that pushes us to "dream big" (e.g. build a unicorn startup, become a billionaire). That's usually awfully ambitious, and as feasible as winning the lottery for most of us.

We should be pragmatic about our life goals. They should be ambitious, but achieavable.

Even if we don't control a lot of factors in our lives we at least have the power to influence them, most of the time it comes in the form of "trade-offs". So you've got to be prepared to make some sacrifices in the present for making progress towards a future goal.

I also acknowledge that some of us have a head start due to our social/economical background, and we should be grateful for that.

WastingMyTime89• 4 years ago

You still have some amount of control.

As a 30-something, it has recently become apparent to me that it is very easy to live a life you don't really care about. You start a job because it's the thing people expect you to do with your degree, chase some promotions because it feels nice to improve your status and win more money and without really paying attention you end up doing a job you rescent to keep living a life you dislike.

herdcall• 4 years ago

There's a school of thought among physicists/philosophers called "eternalism" (also goes by "block universe") that posits that all the future is already "laid out," so to speak, and that free will is an illusion. The idea is that the current state of the universe (and mind in our case) dictates the next state (deterministic or stochastic) and we really have to control over the process. Many physicists subscribe to this view (Albert Einstein is supposed to have been a proponent), and I'm increasingly becoming a believer myself. The upshot is that we should never regret/second-guess the past or worry about the future because we really have no control.

loudtieblahblah• 4 years ago

You can't control the hand youre dealt.

You control how you play the hand

And you control at how you take joy in the game.

WheelsAtLarge5• 4 years ago

True, it's not easy. But if you never start and try, I guarantee that it's even more unlikely to happen.

It's said that it's the journey not the goal so make the journey fun. If there are ever a set of people that can figure out how to solve a problem, HN has them. So,figure out how to solve your dream problem.

True, doing nothing is so much easier but I don't recommend it since you won't like the result.

vmception2• 4 years ago

Have capital

Dont not have capital

circlefavshape• 4 years ago

Why you should give up on your dreams

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U4ZnfCmTJMY

polypodiopsi2• 4 years ago

That one is really good.

polypodiopsi2• 4 years ago

You're aware that one of the most common regrets in the article is to have laboured too much? Not sure if thats your intention bit it really reads like in the face of that youre reaction is "work(labour) harder" to get fullfillment.

EL_Loco• 4 years ago

I buy lottery tickets when the prize is really large. My four best friends and I will chip in and we'll buy a few tickets. Then we'll spend the next week or two on our whatsapp group having fun about what dumb s*t each one will do with the money, what kinds of pranks we'll be able to lay on each other, etc. It's lots of fun and for about ten bucks, it's money very well spent. It wouldn't be this fun if we were just pretending to have bought tickets.

rdiddly• 4 years ago

These are good but it's important to keep it in perspective. You might not need to optimize every day between now and then for what you think you're going to regret then. People who aren't dying have different needs, like paying rent next month.

mjfl4• 4 years ago

These are average people right? They worked in like HR or accounting, maybe something more blue collar? Well no wonder they regretted working. I wonder what you would get asking people who worked for a higher purpose? Dying certainly sucks, as does aging.

shadowofneptune• 4 years ago

What would you regret then? These all seemed like things I could ask myself.

ivanhoe3• 4 years ago

How do you define what a higher purpose is?

Workaholics always think that they're doing something super important, no one would voluntarily invest there time into something they feel is utterly useless.

What if one day they wake up with a realization that the purpose wasn't as "higher" as they've though it was? That they've missed other important stuff in their life? I've seen it happen to people around me...

mjfl4• 4 years ago

Doing some kind of high impact medical research, exploring the cutting edge of science, political or intellectual revolutions, making a spaceship to Mars, etc...

hat if one day they wake up with a realization that the purpose wasn't as "higher" as they've though it was?

Look if you are researching how to save lives, you are researching how to save lives..

danrocks• 4 years ago

How do you define what a higher purpose is?

Judging by my conversations with Silicon Valley hiring managers these days: selling more ads.

germinalphrase• 4 years ago

I’m a teacher. In very clear and obvious ways, my works “matters”, and I have the privilege of living my values every day. Paradoxically, I am increasingly sad and angry (which is not my natural disposition) about my work and very well may be on the path to burning out.

My wife and I are actively planning what will happen if I don’t return to teaching next year. What’s our runway? What will I do? (UX? PM? Sales? …?). Would it be possible to find a position where I can work 20-30 hours per week and be more present for our young son? Or - should I try to maximize income to make up for years of never making more than 45k?

I have strong emotions about all of this, but having a higher purpose is only so sustaining.

ReaLNero2• 4 years ago

I wish that I had let myself be happier.

I see this as a call to mindfulness. A lot of adult life is spent sacrificing the current self for the benefit of the future self. For a lot of everyday activities like brushing teeth or walking to work we never really think about it, we just use it to think about what's going to happen later on.

Sorry for being wishy-washy, but we have to confront that we are living right now, and we ought to enjoy what we are doing right now! Not in the sense that we should live like there's no tomorrow -- but that we should enjoy the today we are getting.

mlatu• 4 years ago

enjoy the today we are getting.

insert spongebob meme where he points out all the hidden diapers have you watched the news lately?

ryeights2• 4 years ago

First step: stop watching the news! It’s designed to make you stressed and angry and unhappy.

ReaLNero2• 4 years ago

Realistically, there is not much impact us little humans can have. The options are to donate to humanitarian organizations working there, vote for a government that's going to intervene, or volunteer as a soldier. I'm not eligible to vote, I would never be a capable soldier, but I did donate.

The idea is that even if terrible things are happening, and you are anxious for what's next, you have to look in front of you, and see what you can do different right now. To a large extent this conflict is outside our hands, and we should prepare accordingly.

My plea to you is to please donate to the red cross in Ukraine :)

bmitc• 4 years ago

Mortality is something I have been greatly struggling with lately, and I am neither sick nor old. But it's just tough to grapple with. By all accounts, life and this universe makes no damn sense, and for the most part, attempts to understand it are futile. We carve out little things that are interesting, but that's about it. And all that is ignoring the fatal flaws of humanity.

What's interesting is that I already share most of these regrets, and I am not dying, at least in the traditional sense since we are all dying. I think for the most part, all one can do in life is to just do. Be yourself but stop worrying about what yourself is. Treat any done project, not matter how small, as a good project. Look for little successes like that. And the older I get, the more I realize that relationships matter.

randomsearch5• 4 years ago

Life only has meaning when viewed through the collective: our purpose is to help others, make great things and self actualise (learn, develop). Life isn’t about me or you, it’s about us. Make plans that go beyond your lifetime - with the intention of “handing off” to a suitable person, or at least leaving a description of what you’d like to see next so that someone else can pick that up. There are so many problems to solve, ideas to explore, others to help, people to inspire. The really difficulty lies in choosing one thing to work on at a time.

kgwgk3• 4 years ago

Make plans that go beyond your lifetime

If you cannot find a meaning in one lifetime, adding a finite number of (other people’s) lifetimes will still be meaningless. (It can make the ending of your own less relevant but I’d say that’s a different issue.)

davegauer• 4 years ago

Life only has meaning when viewed through the collective...

This may be true for ants. But I've never seen how this can be an absolute truth for humans for two reasons:

1. If one life is truly meaningless (0), how does multiplying it produce meaning (0 * 8 billion = 0)?

2. If you found yourself to be the last person on the planet, would you A) realize you have no meaning and die, B) create art and put a little more beauty into the universe? Given those choices, does option A or B have more inherent "meaning"?

anuraag2601• 4 years ago

'Denial of Death' by Ernest Becker really helped me make sense of our own mortality. Can't recommend it highly enough.

AlexanderTheGr85• 4 years ago

I want to read that book someday. If you liked the book, you will also like Mr Becker's podcast with Lex Fridman. Can you give a summary of the book? Thanks a bunch!

Simon_O_Rourke• 4 years ago

"I wish I had watched more TV"

dmichulke• 4 years ago

"Regrets you'll never hear" top spot

I'll add

"I wish I argued more with strangers on the internet"

JKCalhoun7• 4 years ago

"I wish I had consumed more politics."

npteljes4• 4 years ago

The usual is "I wish I worked more".

ivanhoe3• 4 years ago

The million dollars question here is, if they had a chance to go back and do things differently, would that make them have no regrets on their dying bed, or they'd just end up with a different set of regrets?

sgt1012• 4 years ago

My grandfathers dying regrets (expressed to me) were that he had bought the wrong sort of kitchen units.

I guess that there are always going to be regrets.

hcks• 4 years ago

Peak boomer aesthetic (no value judgement)

Tepix2• 4 years ago

Isn't it a great sign of a happy fulfilled life if something so minor is his dying regret?

JKCalhoun7• 4 years ago

I feel like your grandfather had a wicked sense of humor.

calebm2• 4 years ago

It sounds like your grandfather lived very well.

throwaway5486nv• 4 years ago

Asked the right question. We don't know what choices would have lead to global optimal point even at the end of life. It is possible there are multiple global optimal points. At least this serves as a motivation for anti aging.

bbarn• 4 years ago

Bingo.

I had a bit of a "what am I doing with my life" crisis a few years back when I felt addicted to working, and I made the changes to live a calmer, more enjoyable life at the expense of some income. Will I now regret not leaving more money for my daughter/wife when I go?

We're all stumbling through life to the same conclusion. No one gets to do everything they wanted to.

psiops• 4 years ago

I get your point about different sets of regrets, but I really doubt anyone on their deathbed regrets not leaving behind more money. In this case I think you made the right call from a deathbed regrets perspective, trading money for a more enjoyable life.

sbayeta• 4 years ago

The movie "About Time (2013)" shows a nice answer to this question. I enjoyed it a lot, so I highly recommend it

yodsanklai• 4 years ago

Do people really have regrets?

I've seen my parents and my grandmother dying. Mostly they were weak, anxious, miserable and suffering. Nobody mentioned any thing they regretted. My grandmother kept telling me her life went so fast, that I should enjoy mine and do whatever made me happy. She sounded more nostalgic of her youth than regretting any past actions.

I think we like to make up stories, trying to find some drive, but if you don't believe in afterlife, life is pointless anyway.

JKCalhoun7• 4 years ago

Thinking about the regrets listed in the article. Pick this one:

"I wish I had not worked so hard."

What if this person went back in time and didn't work so hard? Are you suggesting they would, in their twilight years, express regret for not having worked harder? Perhaps regret they did not have the means to buy more stuff or travel?

Because nothing like that made the top 5 from the author's anecdotal evidence.

We have to assume either then that people rarely regret not working enough (or that the majority of us work too much and so never have the opposite regret, ha ha).

mjd• 4 years ago

Maybe those people didn't make it into the book because instead of dying in palliative care, they died under bridges or gutters or something.

ivanhoe3• 4 years ago

I totally can see myself regretting one day on dropping out of University. Not that I ever needed the degree really, but just for the feeling of closing what you've started.

Same with sport, I was pretty good at some point, preparing for a state competition in swimming, but fell in love and dropped out of trainings (and she dumped me some 6 months later). If I worked harder back then perhaps I'd now have a medal on my wall to boost my ego with. There're literally millions of such events in everyones' lives, some small, some big, some more important and some less, and it's just a question if you'll go back to them one day or leave them be...

danielovichdk• 4 years ago

I have seen this article many times over the years. And I do believe it's a fine piece but also that it would great to see what people said coming from different cultures. And at the same time it would be great to read about what had made people happy in life.

hestefisk2• 4 years ago

The point about regretting not spending more time with family makes me really sad. Slaving away in a high pressure cooperate job is a sure way to miss out on what’s really important.

nemo44x• 4 years ago

Especially when you consider how little you’ll see them once they move out. 90% of the time you’ll spend with your kids will happen before they are 18.

hestefisk2• 4 years ago

Fuel on the fire, life is painful and unfair. :(

JKCalhoun7• 4 years ago

I'll make it worse: actually before they start middle school (junior high).

When mine were young, I read to them every night before bed and they seemed to really enjoy it. We worked through, believe it or not, The Lord of the Rings, Uncle Remus stories, the Harry Potter series, The Hobbit, most of the Andrew Lang Fairie books, etc.

But once they got past age 12, school got "real", smart phones landed in their hands and fairyland faded away.

JKCalhoun7• 4 years ago

The timing is horrible, ins't it?

I decided to try and leverage my life as a corporate cog and retire as early as I thought I could (age 57), but it is too late with regard to raising my daughters. They've all flown the nest.

I did try the best I could to give them, I think, more than my parent(s) gave me when I was growing up.

oldstrangers• 4 years ago

You've got the best years still available with your daughters now though. Plan trips with them, plan experiences. I'm 37 and I go and visit my aging parents as much as I can, adding up that collective time together.

My dad is 76, I wish he was 57. I'd ask him to go camping or on a road trip. I should still do that now probably, it's just hard to shake the realities of aging.

jmathai2• 4 years ago

The framework I use to make important life decisions is a simple one.

On my deathbed, which choice will I wish that I would have made?

Surprisingly, it's almost always the one which feels uncomfortable and with the most unknowns. It turns out, anecdotally, that it's not that uncomfortable and you can learn things pretty easily.

JKCalhoun7• 4 years ago

Vague: I think you're going to need at least one example.

jmathai2• 4 years ago

My wife and I would like to move to another city. We have a 9 and 11 year old that we would be pulling out of their current school.

Making the move is daunting because we worry our kids will struggle to make new friends and we don't know that we'll love the area like we think we might (plus, we don't dislike our current city).

The safe thing to do is to stay put. There's little risk and we know what to expect. But I believe that we will have wished we would have made the move when looking back 20 years from now.

throwaway_9813• 4 years ago

Let me share what I thought when I knew that I could legitimately die.

I was 21. Save some extra fat on my tummy and a very common kind of infection in my nose, I was very fit and healthy.

I was struck by a very rare disease and the doctor asked my family for 72 hours before he could tell whether or not I will live.

I spent much of the time under painkillers, intubated, and some tranquilizers. But I did not lose my mind. I was perfectly sane.

I realized and decided some things. The experience also bought many changes in me.

1. Scores, test, class rank are worth shit. Abandoning group activities and going to places that I would enjoy for preparing better for tests was a huge mistake. I made a decision that I would never do that for stuff meaningless for me.

2. There is no need to tolerate people's drama. You don't owe anyone shit.

3. Connections with people matter. The people you care about, you should invest time and effort to make those connections deeper. On the other hand, no need to tolerate people just for the sake societal reasons. Just cut people off who make you unhappy and does not contribute positively to your life.

4. Pets rock. For me, pet means dog. I decided to keep at least one dog whenever it would be logistically possible. I have kept the promise I made to myself.

5. A deep life is a good life. I wanted to be deeply knowledgeable and good in things rather than hopping among many.

6. Helping people is one of the best feelings. I keep doing that.

7. Being nice to people is another. I always was more empathetic than others, less judgemental. But my experience with death has made me more so.

8. I was big on rationality and I remain the same. But I have learned that going beyond logic is essential for one's growth as a human being. (This is the opposite of faith and ignoring logic). I was and remained an athiest. But I started to look into lives of people that I could love and feel devotion towards. The two people were Buddha and Sri Chaitanya. I continue discussing them, studying them, and knowing more about them. Gödel's Incompleteness Theorem, Turing's Halting problem has helped push me in this direction. Note that I am still an uber-skeptic and don't believe in religions or spirit or god or ghosts or whatever.

9. I started deeply focusing on what I want. The proverbial "people" can go do themselves.

10. The cause of disease is still undiagnosed. There is not enough research. I still learned to value my health.

11. I don't know why, but my experience has made me calmer. I take decisions more promptly, and in a well-thought out manner.

12. My sense of gratitude have increased five-fold. I understand and acknowledge my good fortunes. I complain much less.

13. I put more value on gaining physical, sensational pleasures. I used to feel guilty, but I don't anymore.

14. My capacity to love has increased. I am a bigger man, now.

15. I took months, gently, to recognize who I truly am. I have a much better picture of who I am.

The experience when you legitimately do not know whether you are going to live is unmatched. It has no parallels.

My "advice" would be:

1. Focus on personal connections. Work towards deepening them.

2. Don't tolerate assholes. But don't judge them either.

3. Help people.

4. Focus on what you want rather than what is wanted of you. Invest time and effort in knowing yourself.

5. Lead a deep life.

csdvrx3• 4 years ago

I wish it wasn't made under a throwaway, as I'd love to read more of your thoughts!

throwaway_9813• 4 years ago

I don't write that much personal stuff.

And I am not some sage or ascetic. Not remotely.

I enjoy drinks, chicken, and mild flirting.

Anyway, do you have any particular question or want to know about a particular view?

Existenceblinks2• 4 years ago

I really hate when people are talking about these, it's like a big FOMO of YOLO, and is often used for telling (sometimes selling) you what to do in indirect forcing way. Lots of people won't have chances or conditions that let them do what you tell them to do. There should be another way to encourage people to improve their quality of life without saying they will regret if they don't have chances.

JKCalhoun7• 4 years ago

Regret works very well for me actually.

FOMO is such a strange "word". I'm not quite sure why it has such a negative connotation.

Fear of missing out on ... some 70's-band reunion concert? Yeah, that's vapid.

Fear of missing out on ... a life worth having lived. For many of us that sort of is the point of life. No shame in trying to find out what that is.

Existenceblinks2• 4 years ago

Fear "word" is generally negative. Even more negative when someone else puts it on someone and makes them miserable .. "If I can do, you can do too" is more ok-ish (despite of slightly cliche) than "you should do this and that otherwise when you die you will die miserably)

dukeofdoom• 4 years ago

Work hard until you don't have to work hard.

I was just watching yesterday a guy who is probably mid 50s talking about how he worked for 20 years getting up early in the morning and being stuck indoors looking at his screensaver and imaging he was in it. He was saving up for a catamaran and when he had enough money , he quit to sail the world with his younger girlfriend. Boomer dreams do come true. Sailing Joy was his channel.

Tepix2• 4 years ago

Solid advice. Many (most?) people will not notice when they have reached the point where they no longer really have to work.

b3lvedere• 4 years ago

The universe does not owe you anything. You do not owe the universe anything.

Of course some things/actions have consequences and of course some things just happen, but overall nothing cares about you except maybe yourself and some other living things that like you.

gerbilly• 4 years ago

The universe does not owe you anything. You do not owe the universe anything.

Being grateful for how we have been taken care of , by our parents, our teachers our friends, by the biosphere, and figuring out what we 'owe' them in return seem to me what life is really about.

Borrible• 4 years ago

What are the regrets of the newborn?

Who gets a place in an Australian palliative station?

What are the regrets of a dying San or Yanomami?

Did those excptionally lucky people that died in that Australian palliative station all regret something? What were they proud of? Who were they? What did they wished for and when? What do they wish for after they're gone?

Did they wished to do back then, what they regretted not to have done before they died?

Where is the data and statistics, beside book sales? And I would also love to know who bought them.

every• 4 years ago

I'm old by any measure and yes, there were plenty of things that could have gone better and a few that are still cringe-worthy even after seven decades. But I'm not that person any more. I have experiences and insights that "me" hadn't earned yet, often the hard way. I'm glad this process continues to reveal and inform even this late in the game and would certainly "regret" if it ceased before I did...

AlexanderTheGr85• 4 years ago

Does regret on deathbed matter that much? We live 30000 days NOT on our deathbed, and 1 day on our deathbed. Even if that 1 day is horrible, as long as the 30000 days are good, it should be fine, right? Just because it's the last day doesn't make it more important than the other days.

pboutros• 4 years ago

Haha. Assuming this isn't sarcastic—I would assume that (1) sentiments on the last day are probably similar to many of the days before it, and (2) you should weight the wisdom of those days higher than days early in life, because they have more experience.

If that was sarcastic... you got me.

AlexanderTheGr85• 4 years ago

It was not sarcastic. I meant it. I believe that every day is equally valuable.

Life is not an optimization problem, where we maximize happiness. I prefer to just let life flow in its natural waves, sometimes correcting course to achieve my goals.

drno123• 4 years ago

This is exactly my take on this (and I am family-oriented, religious guy). Majority of people will be “dying” between few weeks up to few monts, while they will be living 70-80 years. Shaping your 70 years of life so that you don’t feel (other people’s) regrets during your final few months seems stupid to me.

npteljes4• 4 years ago

My theory is that these regrets eat you from the inside anyways. So the deathbed event is not a hallucination of sorts, but it happens because the dying lets go of their everyday worries and other such things, so their real motivations and inclinations crop up. And if they haven't acted on them, to a level that would be satisfying to them, then it leads to regret. As if they haven't lived their lives true to themselves. Which begs the question of the point of living too, of course. To which I have no clear answer.

AlexanderTheGr85• 4 years ago

Similar lines of thinking have made me curious about nihilism

late2part• 4 years ago

as Morrissey said, paraphrasing Sinatra:

Regrets, I've had a few, but then again, too many to mention…..

I think ones goal should be to live an optimal life, integrating good over time.

Reviewing the wisdom of those who have done more than us (lived long and are facing death) seems smart.

While I don't want to live my life in fear of regret, I often use a mental model for decisions - "if this is wrong how much would I regret it," to weigh the choices.

I personally don't want to be on my deathbed and say I wish after 35 I had spent more time with my loved ones - I want to be able to say that I spent a good amount of time with my loved ones and enjoyed it.

MrPatan• 4 years ago

Maybe the only dying people with other people around who cared to listen to their regrets tend to have worked hard at sensible careers.

999900000999• 4 years ago

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

I learned this in my 20s. My horrible family tired to back me into staying in LA. Realizing none of them actually cared about me, I just estranged myself and left.

No one cares about you as much as you'll care about yourself. Do what ever you want, as long as your not breaking any laws, go for it. I phrase it that way since a shitty family member or partner will claim your "hurting" them emotionally when you don't do what they want.

It's somewhat hard to cut people off, but it's ether that or live a shitty life dictated by others.

I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

This is somewhat hard when you move, but newsflash. Your friends will end up moving too, getting married, etc. All things which will make hanging out harder. As much as hate on Facebook here, messenger has been invaluable in this aspect.

I still talk to people I met in highschool and college.

majani• 4 years ago

This type of research needs to be controlled for age. The body of an 80 year old person is materially different from that of a 20 year old and that might change their outlook on life drastically. An unbiased researcher would seek out the regrets of dying 10 year olds, 20 year olds, 30 year olds etc etc

calebm2• 4 years ago

wisdom

james_burden• 4 years ago

My wife always wonders why I don't care about certain things around the house. I always tell her I know for an absolute fact that when I'm on my deathbed I will never wish I spent more time worrying about how green my grass is.

serverlessmom• 4 years ago

Funny story I read this in 2015 and in the following years I completely changed my life. I came out, changed my relationships, moved, switched jobs, totally altered the pattern of my sleep and work, started eating differently, going to the grocery store with 'candy' on the list.

Every year since 2015 was the best year of my life so far. 2022 is shaping up to be an absolute delight.

y0ink• 4 years ago

This is relevant and well worth reading.

Written by Kate Bowler, who at 35 was diagnosed with Stage IV colon cancer, and given a slim chance of survival.

One Thing I Don’t Plan to Do Before I Die Is Make a Bucket List

https://www.nytimes.com/2021/08/28/opinion/sunday/colon-canc...

Regrets of the Dying (2010)

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