throwaway_981

how did you find what you truly want to focus on?

I realized many things beforehand, but did not have the proper wording often. After coming out of the hospital, I read many books, and found that others have realized what I realized.

This was a months long process. I don't think I can fit it into a comment.

My connections with my parents, pet, and girlfriend deepened a lot. And a lot of people came to visit me that I thought did not want to have anything to do with me. It felt better to have people caring about you.

They were not close, and they still aren't.

I reached nihilism through science. There is nothing in anything, and I know it. And there is meaning in only those things that we deliberately _assign_ meaning to. The latter part became clear after I survived my disease.

I came home just barely before the pandemic started. I read a lot of books, exercised at a gym very close by (doctor prescribed gym), and lived a simple life- learn new things (an advanced Discrete Math MOOC) during the day, talk with gf over phone, watch The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel during the evening, eat, masturbate, and sleep. It was very simple. I had amazing focus and clarity. I tried reading devotional books for a while (published by ISKCON), but disagreed with a lot, and abandoned it. But I liked their purity, their kindled devotion. That stayed with me in a good way. God is imaginary, but people's devotion towards it is very real.

I rediscovered Buddha through a historical novel. Read the Dhammapada.

I was a Physics honours student, but grew frustrated with it because the education system cared only about memorization of types of numeric problems, derivation, etc. I liked working with my hands very much. As much as I loved mental gymnastic, esoterica, or more. I spent 20-25 hours a week in the college Electronics lab.

One close friend suggested that I look into Data Science. I started MOOCs, courses, etc. Due to COVID, a lot of the paid stuff were made free and everything shifted to online. That was great for me.

I soon moved to Deep Learning. I always had a good mathematical foundation. And DL made sense very quickly. I did MOOCs, learned the Math, and before graduating college, I found employment in Deep Learning. I did DL work from day one. This was also my first employment.

I read more Buddhist texts, other books (a lot of books came from HN lists). GEB made a deep mark in my life.

You could approach work one of two ways- your work is how you pay your bills so that you can live your real life- after work. Or your work can be a central theme in your life. You can find this theme in Gordon's "Mastery".

I now live to make a serious contribution to human knowledge about the nature, about consciousness. I might fail badly. But I will try.

That's not only why I live. The more important part is to be a loving boyfriend / husband, son, dad, etc. Humans in our lives are important. And also dogs ;)

I genuinely enjoy learning new things. Improving human faculties in me. I read interesting non-fiction, learn new languages (both human and computer ones), talk with very diverse people, and struggle with the piano.

The thing I decided to go deep into are math, programming, deep learning, Buddhism, Bengali poetry, and culture. I spend a lot of my afternoons reading Bengali poetry written between 900 AD - 1800s AD.

I am in, by no means, a perfect situation. I still have too many interests to go deep into any. I will have to be better in prioritizing.

I am currently practising meditation. Using the book The Mind Illuminated and also Mindfulness in Plain English. I am striving towards the goal of annihilation of self and I already knew Anatta (no-soul doctrine). I am getting to know it better, discover it more.

"Annihilation of self" is not negative. You should must read "What the Buddha Taught" by Walpola Rahula if you are remotely interested in Buddhism. This book explains the Buddha's direct teachings only.

The goal, to me, is to absolutely improve my human quality and faculties, so whatever needs doing, whatever I want to do- I am ready to do it. This is my focus on the "work" side.

When I came back home, I factually knew that I was recovering, but my mind felt, for at least two months- that I was dying. That gave me an enormous, unmatched focus, concentration, and clarity- I now haven't regained yet. Maybe focusing to one thing only is a key element?

Thank you for asking me. Writing these felt good.

In what I wrote, there are several gaps. If you want any to be filled, please ask.

I am 23 now. Currently a DL Research Engineer and also a Master's student in CS.

I knew that humans are not more than very complex biological machines. But what do with that knowledge, I did not know. Buddhism (strictly Theraveda- no voodoo, faith, magic, or "trust") is teaching me that.

What to do if there is no "I"? I am getting to know more and more.

And as I said, I am no sage or even seem weird to others. Not that I care- but unneeded friction is despised by me.

In a party, you will find me donning a black silk shirt and a black suit with a drink talking with attractive women.

Good day!

I don't write that much personal stuff.

And I am not some sage or ascetic. Not remotely.

I enjoy drinks, chicken, and mild flirting.

Anyway, do you have any particular question or want to know about a particular view?

Let me share what I thought when I knew that I could legitimately die.

I was 21. Save some extra fat on my tummy and a very common kind of infection in my nose, I was very fit and healthy.

I was struck by a very rare disease and the doctor asked my family for 72 hours before he could tell whether or not I will live.

I spent much of the time under painkillers, intubated, and some tranquilizers. But I did not lose my mind. I was perfectly sane.

I realized and decided some things. The experience also bought many changes in me.

1. Scores, test, class rank are worth shit. Abandoning group activities and going to places that I would enjoy for preparing better for tests was a huge mistake. I made a decision that I would never do that for stuff meaningless for me.

2. There is no need to tolerate people's drama. You don't owe anyone shit.

3. Connections with people matter. The people you care about, you should invest time and effort to make those connections deeper. On the other hand, no need to tolerate people just for the sake societal reasons. Just cut people off who make you unhappy and does not contribute positively to your life.

4. Pets rock. For me, pet means dog. I decided to keep at least one dog whenever it would be logistically possible. I have kept the promise I made to myself.

5. A deep life is a good life. I wanted to be deeply knowledgeable and good in things rather than hopping among many.

6. Helping people is one of the best feelings. I keep doing that.

7. Being nice to people is another. I always was more empathetic than others, less judgemental. But my experience with death has made me more so.

8. I was big on rationality and I remain the same. But I have learned that going beyond logic is essential for one's growth as a human being. (This is the opposite of faith and ignoring logic). I was and remained an athiest. But I started to look into lives of people that I could love and feel devotion towards. The two people were Buddha and Sri Chaitanya. I continue discussing them, studying them, and knowing more about them. Gödel's Incompleteness Theorem, Turing's Halting problem has helped push me in this direction. Note that I am still an uber-skeptic and don't believe in religions or spirit or god or ghosts or whatever.

9. I started deeply focusing on what I want. The proverbial "people" can go do themselves.

10. The cause of disease is still undiagnosed. There is not enough research. I still learned to value my health.

11. I don't know why, but my experience has made me calmer. I take decisions more promptly, and in a well-thought out manner.

12. My sense of gratitude have increased five-fold. I understand and acknowledge my good fortunes. I complain much less.

13. I put more value on gaining physical, sensational pleasures. I used to feel guilty, but I don't anymore.

14. My capacity to love has increased. I am a bigger man, now.

15. I took months, gently, to recognize who I truly am. I have a much better picture of who I am.

The experience when you legitimately do not know whether you are going to live is unmatched. It has no parallels.

My "advice" would be:

1. Focus on personal connections. Work towards deepening them.

2. Don't tolerate assholes. But don't judge them either.

3. Help people.

4. Focus on what you want rather than what is wanted of you. Invest time and effort in knowing yourself.

5. Lead a deep life.