The unreasonable effectiveness of one-on-ones

https://www.benkuhn.net/11/

by sebg • 4 years ago

227 190 4 years ago

PaulHoule6• 4 years ago

For some managers they are a weapon they use to gaslight their reports. That is, they tell one person one thing and tell another person another thing.

At least in a team meeting you never are thinking that this is going on.

It might not be the usual situation but it happened to me once and because of that the 1-1 is going to have a bad smell that's going to require a huge amount of trust in the manager to overcome.

oceanplexian• 4 years ago

I read a book a while back called Tribal Leadership that calls out exactly the problems you are referring to.

One is that the manager has to say the same thing to multiple reports, which simply isn’t scalable. Second the person at the other end of the 1:1 feels commoditized, and third, people start to spot inconsistencies (intentional or not) between what the manager is telling different reports, which damages their credibility. Their solution is to form triads (three person meetings).

PaulHoule6• 4 years ago

You're right also that people can compare notes and find small inconsistencies from somebody honest and blow that up into believing somebody is totally dishonest.

jldugger5• 4 years ago

I'm just gonna put this out there: none of this sounds like a problem if you don't lie to your reports.

swagasaurus-rex• 4 years ago

I find it's often helpful to send messages to relevant people who did not attend summarizing the findings of a 1-on-1.

At that point you start a paper trail and can track down where inconsistencies or straight up dishonesty are originating.

par8• 4 years ago

It's not good to gaslight people and lie to them. But sometimes you need to have a more direct conversation with someone in a 1x1 than is appropriate to have in a larger group. And sometimes you need to motivate someone in a specific way (performance issue, etc) that may not be right to demonstrate broadly. For instance, in a 1x1 "Jon, I really need you to get the signup flow working as you haven't been meeting your estimates or deadlines at all" ... and then to the team "let's get the new signup flow working, we think it will increase user engagement!"

PaulHoule6• 4 years ago

It's a reason to have a 1-1 meeting. It's not a reason to have regularly scheduled 1-1 meetings.

iamdbtoo• 4 years ago

Pretty sure this is exactly what happened to me and it's soured me on 1:1s. I thought he was listening empathetically, but really he was using the information I was giving him, in what was supposed to be a private setting, and used it to paint a very negative picture of me to the rest of the bosses.

_y5hn4• 4 years ago

I've had a manager use exactly what I warned about when later being promoted to executive position. Also having the person bragging confidently about power over their employees.

XorNot• 4 years ago

1:1's are basically a mix of every anti-pattern for CYA in business - they're verbal, they're isolated, they're strongly implied to be considered private, and there's a massive power imbalance in the communication.

lifeplusplus4• 4 years ago

one-on-ones are kinda anti-pattern, if you have something to say, there should be an easier way to say it. if you have nothing to say it becomes dumb status report about things any competent manager would already be aware of.

sethhochberg• 4 years ago

I've found that many people are really, really averse to the perception that they're "bothering" their manager, no matter how often it is emphasized that ad-hoc conversations about things that are important to the teams' members are part of the manager's job and despite however much effort the manager puts in to genuinely welcoming these ad-hoc conversations when they happen.

Regularly scheduled 1:1s are a great backstop for this kind of thing, and let people feel confident and prepared for conversations with their management.

If neither party has anything to say, its true the meeting can become a dumb status update - but if neither party has something to say, that implies the time since the last 1:1 saw no growth, no challenges, nothing of note at all to bring up... and this is probably a red flag on its own.

I'm perfectly willing to reduce frequency of 1:1s with very senior and self-sufficient members of my teams, but even once a month is valuable.

bell-cot• 4 years ago

This +10 (if I could). Very regular, very short (if there's not much to discuss) 1:1s can be quite valuable. Especially managing folks who are reluctant to speak up. Doesn't much matter the reason for their reluctance - introverted, self-conscious about not being very articulate, burned by previous shitty management, overbearing co-workers, ...

lifeplusplus4• 4 years ago

once a month seems more useful, but i doubt i'd hold in something for a month. i think it's better to create a culture where managers are approachable human beings then to have dedicated meetings that are so far away, and if they are weekly then you have got a problem having nothing to say on both sides.

tomcat273• 4 years ago

There are some conversations I think are better exchanged more thoughtfully and that takes time. Schedule of people with many direct reports is just overwhelming and it's too easy to naturally avoid certain discussions unless they are deliberately scheduled. IMO 1-1 is "at least" meeting than "at most" meeting.

lifeplusplus4• 4 years ago

then just schedule a meeting, in one year i had like 3 times i had something to say that was employment related and other 50 1-1s were waste of my time

brink• 4 years ago

Can we change the click-bait title? There's nothing unreasonable about one-on-ones being effective.

djur• 4 years ago

I think the reason it's used here is because the one-on-one was surprisingly effective even when applied outside a typical work environment, just like the original usage was that math was surprisingly useful in understanding natural phenomena:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Unreasonable_Effectiveness...

mekoka• 4 years ago

Note that in the original usage of the formula, "unreasonable" meant that there's no valid and explanable reason to why math is so effective in the prediction of physical phenomena. It did not simply mean ill-understood, or explanations to come later. The relationship between math and nature was stated to be akin to a mystery. Most titles borrowing the phrasing nowadays simply mean to say that something is considered very effective and the author finds it surprising.

par8• 4 years ago

Gonna have to strongly disagree on this. Just because the author has specific anecdotes for their 1x1s, there's no way this applies broadly and generically. I've had a thousand+ 1x1s with countless people (both as a manager and as a report), and the majority of them are just time sucking status updates, casual meet and greets, or some performance/process related discussion. Literally never have I walked out of a 1x1 and thought "wow that was unreasonably effective".

travisjungroth4• 4 years ago

There’s a common factor to all of your 1:1s, so that may be worth looking into.

Like the author, I have had some ongoing 1:1s be incredibly productive. Like really changing my life. Unlike the author, I wouldn’t broadly recommend them. They’re so easy to do in a way that isn’t productive. I think that’s the default, really. So if I was going to tell people to do them I’d be very explicit that you need to do something different than you probably think. Here are exacts steps and characteristics, if you don’t follow these then it won’t work and don’t come to me about it.

The overall general trend of why they’re not effective is they’re too surface level. You say some updates to your boss in a way that doesn’t get you fired, maybe complain about some stuff. You kinda just talk about things.

It needs to be a time when there is some work really happening. It’s metawork, but it’s still work. Like “what were the things that distracted you last week?” and you write them down, there in the meeting. Not “anything distracting you lately?” “nope I’m fine”. It’s a much more vulnerable, interactive process. This is probably why a 1:1 with your boss isn’t the most effective person. Too much image to maintain.

I think the sports model is better. In baseball, the Manager (coach or head coach in other sports) makes decisions about who is playing. Coaches (aka assistant coaches or trainers) are skill experts who help you get better. You can be more vulnerable with them. I think some industries, especially software, would do well to have more of a manager/coach model.

nostromo• 4 years ago

There’s a common factor to all of your 1:1s, so that may be worth looking into.

This was rude and uncalled for.

par8• 4 years ago

What do you suggest i'd look into? I said i've never walked out of a 1x1 and thought it was "unreasonably effective". And when I discussed features of my 1x1s I discussed the majority. Sure there have been occasional nuggets of gold but I'd hardly consider it the primary outcome of majority of 1x1s. Feel like you're attempting to evaluate my 1x1s based on a couple of sentences I wrote in response to a hyperbolic clickbaitey title.

tootie2• 4 years ago

I prefer to build trust through actions rather than meetings. My 1:1s are mostly chit chat or occasionally sensitive topics because I am already keenly aware of what people are working on and what their bottlenecks are.

Supermancho• 4 years ago

There’s a common factor to all of your 1:1s,

That they are a timesink used to justify a positions existence, rather than boost productivity? That's correct.

bentcorner• 4 years ago

I think some industries, especially software, would do well to have more of a manager/coach model.

I agree. I don't really like admitting failure to my manager. While they're very understanding and easy to work with they're also the person writing my reviews, so there's some tension there.

I think I'd be able to open up more with someone not in my management chain. Maybe even someone who is not in the same business unit as me.

colechristensen6• 4 years ago

Sometimes, often even, there just isn't anything that needs to be said. I feel the same way about standups and 1:1s.

Meetings should be treated like investments: by spending the time of the participants, are you going to reap the rewards of time saved in the future?

Sometimes there is information that does need to change hands, often there just isn't, and meetings take away considerably more time than they take by breaking people out of work that isn't always easy to pick right back up.

Meetings are often just babysitting for managers, keeping them entertained and engaged when they don't have anything better to do (or preventing them from doing the things they need to be doing necessitating hiring more managers who make more meetings and result in less time available per person)

So many standups and 1:1s I've been in have just been an exercise in all parties thinking of something to say because it is presumed stuff needs to be said.

01100011• 4 years ago

If I knew my boss was going to push me for details, it would just eat up more of my time during the week coming up with some believable horseshit to get me through the meeting. 1:1 meetings work when there is a point to them, like when you're in an environment where you need assistance from your manager to get help or resources from your org.

Gareth321• 4 years ago

Agreed. There are a few reasons why this falls over:

1. This process requires trust from both parties. Often this doesn't exist, and manufacturing trust is basically impossible. This requires a happy and healthy workplace, and unfortunately, many people do not work in these.

2. This is an excellent opportunity to extract information from an employee which otherwise wouldn't see the light. I.e. are there issues which should be discussed? Things making them unhappy and unproductive? Is someone bullying them? Are their teammates dropping the ball? Are there problems in their teams I could help with? Are there problems at home? Do they need some time off so they're refreshed and ready to go afterwards? All of these things require, as above, trust. They can be used to great success. Sadly some workplaces formalise these and instead use 1:1s as a way to grade employees. This means the employee is extremely unlikely to expose any kind of weakness or vulnerability.

3. Shooting the shit isn't usually productive (but can build rapport). Likewise, status updates are not necessarily productive when a status email will do. The purpose is to dig deeper. Inasmuch, I have a OneNote dedicated for my 1:1 where I record thoughts and ideas throughout the week. I select a few of these during the 1:1 to dig into. Sometimes nothing eventuates. Sometimes they become larger discussions.

nojito• 4 years ago

Is discussing performance not a worthwhile endeavor?

par8• 4 years ago

Of course it is. Is it "unreasonably effective" or is it just another part of our jobs though?

jklinger410• 4 years ago

I've always felt like 1:1s, even when not "productive", are good breaks between work and great at building culture and connections.

Not every aspect of productivity in a company is about completing a specific task.

JumpCrisscross• 4 years ago

If I’m meeting with someone and it’s all status updates and pleasantries, I try to change it, and, if I can’t, to leave. If you find every meeting you’re in to be useless, consider the common factor.

When done properly, 1:1s are powerful. But they require at least one side to be willing to be vulnerable. To talk about problems and weaknesses and needs. That doesn’t come naturally to most of us, and requires practice and intent to become habit.

heymijo• 4 years ago

They require the person with more power to respond positively to any gambit that shows vulnerability.

A direct report may try a couple of times to go deeper or be vulnerable but if the manager isn’t receptive that 1:1 just became perfunctory into perpetuity.

bloodyplonker22• 4 years ago

If you walk away from a 1:1 and think "wow, that was unreasonably effective", there's probably something wrong with all the time spent when you're not doing a 1:1.

AlwaysRock3• 4 years ago

I've had a lot of great one on ones and a lot of bad ones. They changed towards being great when I started gathering a list of things I wanted to cover or talk about.

One on ones where we make small talk about the weekend are useless to me. One on ones where we can talk through a technical topic I don't understand and I know I have at least a half hour of time to do so with someone who knows the topic well? Very helpful.

Most of the time its only tangentially related to anything I've been working on.

codingdave• 4 years ago

I've had both good and bad 1:1s, yet I still find them to be quite effective. Because even when they feel like a waste, they serve a purpose - to maintain the habit of talking to your boss. That way, when something does come up worth talking about, you just do.

I have little to say to my current boss most weeks. I just keep my platform running independently, so he gets to trust me to do so and ignore it. It is a good working relationship. Our weekly calls are 5 minutes long, just a quick check in and move on. Until they are not - and then we raise concerns, talk them through, fix them, and go back to the regularly scheduled program.

Each individual 1:1 is fairly worthless. But the habit makes all the difference in the long run.

ozim2• 4 years ago

I think that is what a lot of people miss also on other things.

Daily stand-ups are mostly also not really that useful - but getting team together so they are used to at least 15-20 mins talking to each other I believe has benefits anyway.

The same with writing unit tests, I see my team is writing too many useless unit tests. But then if we have habit of writing tests - important tests will get written as well. If we would skip tests and say that we write only "important ones" then I saw that no tests were written in period where we had such an approach.

jollybean2• 4 years ago

"Literally never have I walked out of a 1x1 and thought "wow that was unreasonably effective"."

? Nobody would ever suggest that you should feel that way, or that an individual 1x1 would be singularly effective.

When you go Heli-skiing, you ski with a partner, and you're constantly shouting out to your partner to let the know where you are. Primarily, you do this because of the various kinds of danger, especially avalanches. That those things are unlikely does not abnegate the need for communication.

One thing never made obvious in films or popular culture is the amount of communication in the military. 1/2 of the game is communicating. It's information, which is the basis of coordination, which is the basis of management of force. A 'radio' is as important as one's 'rifle'. A rifle can defend you against one person; a radio connects you with the totality of the power of the system you are in.

The point is it's a form of systematic communication which I would overwhelmingly support.

Especially the bit about 'open ended' - my gosh there are so many details lost in the normal operative aspects it's almost scary.

'Status Updates' are generally not meaningless, it's one of the means that people use to coordinate, though they can be cumbersome.

Wasted time in meetings is definitely endemic, at the same time, a lot of complaint is sometimes rooted in the lack of understanding of the nature of one unit within the larger system.

As developers, we feel that our 'code' is our productivity, but it's like the 'rifle' - it's just the obvious thing. The 'radio' is the other key thing.

Also - the 'performance' bits are probably overdone. It's extremely hard to change habits. You can definitely get people to do things like adjust to a coding style, but it gets hard past that. I'm more of the view of just trying to leverage what people are already good at because most people are good at 'something'. But merely as 'coordination', these things are important.

Especially with direct managers, there needs to be fairly consistent communication, which is different FYI from large team meetings of which there are probably too many.

par8• 4 years ago

ok but that was literally the title of the blog post so someone did suggest it?

nostrademons• 4 years ago

The point of 1:1s is largely about building trust. It's very rare that anything seriously consequential gets discussed in a 1:1; arguably, if it gets to that point, you're doing something wrong. Rather, 1:1s are about thousands of little course corrections, pointing out something small that should happen, watching it happen, and then building trust that further communication will be well-received.

It's so you don't get blindsided out of nowhere with "I'm leaving for Facebook now" or "Sorry, your project is canceled" or "We're not happy with how things are going, so you're now on a PIP."

It's the same reason to say "Good morning" and "I love you" to your spouse every day and buy them flowers - by itself, it's inconsequential, but if you don't you'll likely hear "I'm leaving you for your best friend" in a decade or two. Same reason, for that matter, that people are looking at America now and going "What the hell happened?" Trust and emotions are real things too.

lacker• 4 years ago

A 1x1 is really what you make of it. When you are the manager, you have a lot of latitude for how a 1x1 operates. If you find that your 1x1s are rarely useful, change how you run them.

In particular, you mention "time-sucking status updates". In my experience, often someone thinks you want a status report, but from your point of view you are sufficiently aware of the project status already. As the manager, you can just politely suggest that you are already happy with the project status, and move on to other topics.

Some of the most effective 1x1s are either when the manager has a tough problem to solve, or the report has a tough problem to solve, and the 1x1 can be some focused time to detect these problems and resolve them. This can be anywhere from a technical issue that this report has some expertise in, or a social issue like "I feel like it's been taking a while to reach an agreement among the team on topic X, how do you think we can speed that up?" Or perhaps you notice that a report seems frustrated on a project, but you aren't quite sure why, and you can use the 1:1 to draw that out.

I find it helpful to take notes ahead of time, with some ideas for myself for what I might be able to accomplish with a 1:1. Otherwise you run the risk of not really knowing what to say, your report doesn't really have anything urgent in mind either, and you fill up the 1:1 time with chit chat.

I really like this blog post on how to run effective 1:1s:

https://randsinrepose.com/archives/the-update-the-vent-and-t...

Running an effective 1:1 is an important managerial skill, it's something you can practice and improve at over time, and it's worth working at it since there is so much you can accomplish through 1:1s and you're likely spending a lot of time as a manager in them.

asdff• 4 years ago

If its just you reporting then its going to feel like a waste of time and suck. The best 1x1s though are problem solving related where you both are sitting there and coming up with a gameplan. That sort of meeting doesn't go well over email because there's often a lot of things you come up with and address that would take 40 emails or slack messages to do the same.

UnpossibleJim• 4 years ago

Yes and no. I've had one on ones tied to OKR's that were completely pointless and a waste of time. Corp speak nonsense that kept me and the people I worked with away from our work and was really just shuffling papers in middle management.

I've also had one on ones with small team leaders, who knew their people and knew their jobs and understood their motivations that were SUPER helpful. Even if it meant preparing those people to leave the company. That's the difference between a good manager and a bad manager. That's also why I like working in small teams. We gel faster, work closer together and get to know our manager (even though that manager is me, right now). I've tried to learn from my former managers and bring that to my team of a few people and try to shield them from as much corporate BS that I can. That isn't their job. They look at code (as do I, when I can), and I go to meetings and deal with that. And when members of my team seem interested in other things (and mention it in one on ones), I try to help them with that. That's what they're supposed to be for. Not just poor performance... hopefully. Maybe I've just gotten lucky.

balaji1• 4 years ago

I don't have much I want to bring up to my manager in 1:1s but I still prefer to have them as a manager myself. So 1:1s definitely never felt unreasonably effective. Never thought to optimize it tho.

Anything of value or importance has to be written down, it is a short objective statement, usually a few lines. And then pursuing those over time (1 to several weeks or months) and having accountability check-ins. This would make 1:1s very formal and 1:1s usually seem better as casual conversations.

xtracto2• 4 years ago

, and the majority of them are just time sucking status updates, casual meet and greets, or some performance/process related discussion. Literally never have I walked out of a 1x1 and thought "wow that was unreasonably effective".

You should really listen to the Manager Toolbox podcast on 1:1s (there's 3 segments, all of them very worth the time):

https://www.manager-tools.com/2005/07/the-single-most-effect...

Basically, that "time sucking" activity with trivial conversation is actually what helps people build a [professional] relationship with their bosses/reportees. From my experience, it is an error to use the 1:1 to check every week how work is going. There's a lot of other channels for that (including the dreaded daily standup). As I mentioned to my reportees: "One on Ones are to talk about anything you want, particularly, company/office stuff that is not part of your day to day job. If you want to tell me about someone that smells bad, this is the place, or about the water dispenser that never works, etc". Of course if someone wants to tell talk to you about work, it is also great.

Specially on remote-work scenarios, having weekly "how are you" calls is important to pull the members of a team closer to the team.

blablabla123• 4 years ago

As an engineer I think I can confirm this. The best work relationships were where it was like that. When it was like that, formally scheduled 1:1s were hardly needed anyway. On the flip-side if you really only talk about the stuff that bothers you - and there's even a push towards that - that's the recipe to make such meetings as unenjoyable and intense as possible. Considering that happens with all team members the effect on the team as a whole cannot be too good. Sometimes also people tend to underestimate the time and effort to successfully solve a certain class of difficult problems. Most people are happy when one major problem gets solved eventually instead of a lot but in a quickfix kind of way.

legerdemain• 4 years ago

Concur that one-on-ones with my lead are very rarely any use to me. And I actively enjoy getting to know my teammates and leads!

You could ask for suggestions how to do your job. But your job is your job, not your lead's. The best they can do is offer some heuristics. Ultimately, there should be some planning or engineering review process where you work, and a one-on-one with your lead is a crappy substitute.

You could ask your lead to share confidential information about upcoming changes at the company, such as a senior departure or a team reorg. This only happens because senior leadership has asked your lead to share this info one on one, not because you have an intimate relationship of trust.

A one-on-one is sometimes useful to me when I'm the lead, because my direct reports might tell me something they aren't comfortable bringing up in stand-up: a deadline is slipping, they're unhappy with a teammate, etc. It's very useful for me to know this stuff. But the action I take as a result very rarely benefits that employee directly. It's just me collecting intel.

antman• 4 years ago

Perhaps you should reconsider the way you do them? Even by randomness I consider it virtually impossible not to have one meaningful discission after thousands of discissions. For me 1x1 are a very important part of running operations and mitigating churn but took me years to optimize them.

thorwawayrus532• 4 years ago

1:1's are mostly a way constantly remind who has power. It favors managers not IC's.

Hokusai• 4 years ago

One on ones are a very good tool. In someone with good training and in a good job environment are incredible to gather feedback, make sure that the company environment is good, and it's an opportunity to help individuals with the kind of problems that is hard to talk in public. Finally, even in functional companies, employees may feel unsure about their performance. Regular meetings help to dissipate any doubts.

That the article also applies it to personal life makes sense. It's not just a company tool.

If you have been in a company where ones on ones were bad or counterproductive be open to think that it may be a problem on how it was used not inherently a problem with the tool.

brimble4• 4 years ago

In this thread, we explore more ways in which almost any practice or system works great when someone competent and well-meaning does it, and almost none do when someone incompetent or malicious is involved, which is most of the time.

See also: all project management methodology discussions.

lkrubner• 4 years ago

Are people capable of learning? If not, then why read Hacker News at all? Here is a technique that clearly is powerful when done well, so why not read the anecdotes and try to internalize the lessons? If you are in a leadership position, how about you push yourself to learn what that means, and then push yourself to get better and better? Stories like this are one of many ways to learn a new leadership technique.

brimble4• 4 years ago

That justifies the article, but I can guarantee this discussion is going to be 99% "nuh uh" and "yeah huh" and both will be right, mostly because of the effect in my post. I'm either a mystic who can predict the future, or these discussions all look exactly the same.

robertlagrant5• 4 years ago

The parent poster is saying the technique is less important than being well-meaning and trying sincerely.

Having said that, perhaps the lesson we can learn here is that reading is a powerful technique to learn to employ.

buscoquadnary• 4 years ago

I can find value in understanding why some people felt they were useless and why others felt they were productive. Most of it probably won't be great, but it helps consider things I did not know I did not know.

nharada• 4 years ago

someone incompetent or malicious is involved, which is most of the time

This is interesting, I'd love to hear what percentage of the time this is for most HNers here. I've definitely had some "incompetent or malicious" managers but it's definitely not more than 50%. Is my experience uncommon?

ugh123• 4 years ago

I think a more reasonable response to this is to say this practice/system works great when all parties agree on its goals and processes to reach those goals.

robertlagrant5• 4 years ago

her philosophy department is leaving a lot of productivity on the table

The mind boggles as to what could be done with that increased productivity.

jldugger5• 4 years ago

Grant more PhDs per year, while reducing the cost of education to the student. Grad student stipends are often meager, assuming you even get funding.

robertlagrant5• 4 years ago

That's not more productivity, that's more effort.

jll29• 4 years ago

This isn't so much an article about 1:1s in general, I would say, but more of a rant about bad Ph.D. student supervision in one particular case, which the author generalises from N=1 observations.

Of course there are many stories of poor grad school experience and the notable Prof. Smith from the legendary Ph.D. comic; but just to point out that there are also "rock star" supervisors: for instance, I was blessed to be able to email drafts of conference papers to mine at 11 p.m. and get corrections back by 5 a.m.

For example, here are some interesting supervision anecdotes from CMU (computer science, not philosophy): https://pure.mpg.de/rest/items/item_3361714_1/component/file...

Now I can't say I know how the distribution of grad student supervisors looks like on the good/bad scale, but let's just be careful not to extrapolate from a single data point.

PS: I applaud the author's approach to try to help using the methods he knew - a beautiful example of making use of transferrable skills (computing is full of them).

baxtr4• 4 years ago

Here is what I always recommend people: Try to use the 1:1s with your boss productively, ideally engage her/him in a problem solving session for one of your work topics.

I used to managed a large group of people. I always made clear that this is the time of the report. She/he could use the time with me at their will.

I have found the best use of our time was when a report would walk in (back in the day, you know...) and shared what they were struggling with. We would then jointly problem solve. This way, I could get an insight into their daily struggle, get updates on status and help them.

The least effective ones were over after 5 minutes or so, when the report didn't want to share anything. I am aware that this is a trust issue. But you can't build up trust without time to interact.

redisman2• 4 years ago

Personally I just don’t want to do all the heavy lifting which is what “let’s talk about whatever you want!” means. Meh what I want is one less meeting on my calendar - now how’s your freaking dog doing sir?

titanomachy• 4 years ago

Then say that... "I think I'd like to reduce the cadence of this meeting to bi-weekly, we haven't had anything substantial to discuss in the last few weeks." Your manager probably wants calendar time back at least as much as you do.

baxtr4• 4 years ago

I am sorry to tell you: if you want to work with people, you have to spent time with them, bond and built trust. That's not just another meeting in your calendar. If you have that mindset you might want to consider working as a freelancer. Which is what I do now since I hated all the internal politics.

lariati• 4 years ago

I feel like management has to have the emotional intelligence to separate who wants to talk about their favorite TV series for 30 minutes and who would prefer to just have one less meeting on their calendar.

Having variability here is good leadership to me.

NAHWheatCracker2• 4 years ago

I've tried to bring this energy into 1:1s before.

It's really hit-and-miss whether my managers have wanted to engage with any idea. More miss than hit, unfortunately.

baxtr4• 4 years ago

At least you tried. And if it's a miss you might now know that it's the wrong people you're engaging with. I see it as a good fit test.

stakkur• 4 years ago

I rarely have found 1-1s 'effective', and I've experienced them in four different companies. In stints as a manager, I never have them.

First: like all management, their usefulness depends utterly on how effective the manager is. In my experience, most managers just use them to 'chat'. Which is invariably a waste of both our times.

Second: Most things I want to talk to a manager about, I can talk about anytime. We just talk as the need arises. In my experience, most managers schedule them 'just so we have available time', which really means "I don't have time unless you're on my calendar".

To be an effective manager, I need them to be available, to communicate well, to listen, and to give me feedback and guidance based on what they hear. And that has nothing to do with a regular '1-1' meeting.

AlwaysRock3• 4 years ago

But are most managers available? That is the last word I think of when I think of managers in general. Maybe available in an emergency but what about when I want to ask questions that are relevant to my career/the company/technology but not directly relevant to my/our current task or goal?

I wouldnt really expect my manager to drop everything Monday morning to talk to me about that unless I know I had a weekly scheduled time to do so.

_y5hn4• 4 years ago

If managers are not available to manage the business, what are they really doing??

retrac98• 4 years ago

Shameless plug, but I made a little app for generating one-on-one questions: https://one-on-ones.app/

ibejoeb• 4 years ago

Why are you calling a meeting if you don't have an agenda with a well defined intention?

amelius• 4 years ago

The unreasonable effectiveness of hyperbolic headlines.

cmrdporcupine• 4 years ago

My last 1:1 was followed by me giving three weeks notice, so I suppose that's effective.

mooreds• 4 years ago

I'm a big fan of one to ones, but only if both parties are into it.

If it is a status report, it should be an email.

It should be a place for you to discuss topics that are stymieing you and/or build rapport and trust.

I've had direct reports tell me they wanted to have a 1:1 less often, so I know my style of 1:1 doesn't work for everyone. It's a big world.

I wrote more about 1:1s here, esp managing them from the perspective of a new developer/employee: https://letterstoanewdeveloper.com/2020/03/16/how-to-manage-...

llbeansandrice• 4 years ago

I think in any endeavor it's important to try out different methods and situations. This post resonated with my hobby as a swing dancer. Lots of folks like to take group lessons where the format is teachers have a lesson plan and more or less spoon-feed it to students. This can involve some or no homework. It can be exercises to work on technique, just a new move to try, etc.

I've seen a lot of people overvalue this format of lessons as a way to "get better" at their craft rather than weekly practice sessions with a group or private lessons. This is usually because there's a lot more friction and effort to set up practices and private lessons usually mean _you_ have to come up with what you want to learn.

As others have mentioned though, the most important factor is to go into it being earnest and genuine. Group lessons can be done poorly just as 1:1s can be done poorly.

Upgrayyed_U2• 4 years ago

I think 1-on-1s can be "unreasonably effective." In one group I managed, I implemented 1-on-1s and watched year-over-year attrition drop by ~80%. I thought they were so effective that I implemented them in my marriage and saw great (albeit, not directly measurable) increases in marriage satisfaction. If nothing else, my wife enjoyed them enough that she is now the one who insists that we have a "weekly connect."

With that said, I think that almost all of their effectiveness comes down to who's leading it. When I first become a manager, I assumed that I would probably suck at it, so I read everything I could on how to be a better manager. That was especially true when it came to leading 1-on-1s. But, when I've worked with managers who just didn't care for them, or didn't care to learn enough about how to do them properly, they were invariably a waste of time. So, despite my own experience, I don't begrudge anyone who thinks 1-on-1s are a waste of time. In many (most?) cases, they are.

NationOfJoe• 4 years ago

out of curiosity what format do the "weekly connect" take, with your partner?

Upgrayyed_U2• 4 years ago

Believe it or not, we use the same PPP format common in agile dev shops. However, instead of "Progress, Plans, and Problems," we use "Victories, Goals, and Help Needed" to give it a slightly more optimistic and personal feel. We also set aside time to discuss big picture items (such as challenges at work, medium and long-term relationship management, housing repairs, etc.).

We don't have kids, but if we did, we would definitely use this time to sync up about that. Make sure we both know what activities they have coming up and/or shared understanding of how to love, praise and discipline them.

zestyping• 4 years ago

Hm, I have mixed feelings about this article.

One-on-ones can be highly effective, no doubt. The kinds of practices that the author describes are often helpful. However, I'm not sure the claim applies to all companies and pairings. I've had a wide range of experiences with one-on-ones.

I've worked for the company that the author is talking about (full disclosure: I worked with him there, had an excellent and productive time, and then was fired). That company places an extremely heavy emphasis on imposing a specific culture from the top down — not just a culture of how work is done, but pervasive to the extent of personal habits and lifestyle advice. Alternative suggestions about culture are generally not entertained because there is a primary tenet that everyone has to align 100% with the culture for it to work, and it is more efficient for everyone to simply align with exactly what the CEO believes than to make culture decisions as a group. Maybe that's the best way to run a startup when your overriding priority is to execute as fast as possible, but it does have other negative side-effects, which were unfortunate for some of my teammates.

Consequently, I am reluctant to generalize from experiences of working there. It is a unique company, and not all working environments and team relationships are going to be like that.

mkl95• 4 years ago

One-on-ones can be scary due to their potential implications. If one-on-ones are frequent, it's usually a symptom of an immature culture where people are too lazy to write things down, or they don't want to do it to dodge accountability. Personally, I'd rather send people a chunky paragraph with what I want from them and let them go about their day.

jeppester2• 4 years ago

While I was a team manager I really liked the one-on-ones.

It was a great way to handle issues while they were still small and manageable.

Someone unhappy on a project? I'd do my best to talk to the project mangers and voice the criticism in an impactful way, or possibly reassign the person.

Problems at home? I would have never picked that up during our normal interactions.

Those meetings gave me the opportunity to help my coworkers with lots of stuff they would otherwise not have mentioned.

It was a true pleasure when I was able to help them out, and even when I wasn't, I think it helped a lot that they just had that chance to vent and then get on with stuff.

While some one-on-ones might have been a waste of time, I believe that overall they had a very positive impact.

Reading the rest of the comments here, I think I might have been in a very favorable position. I started as a developer, and then got promoted at a time where I was the obvious choice. So I always felt like "one of us" during those conversations, and I could very much relate to every work-related challenge.

odshoifsdhfs• 4 years ago

Why would anyone talk about their problemas at home with their bosses? Is this a US culture thing where work and non-work is blended so much that you mix and match conversations?

Both as a worker and a manager, I hardly know about other co-workers lives. Gay or not gay, married with kids, or eternal bachelor, I don't really have (or want) a clue about their private life, much less have a report tell me about his. Just say 'I am dealing with something, need some time off' and there, you got it, but I don't need to know your mother has cancer or you are going through a divorce. You are an adult, take the time and use it as you need.

thegrasshopper2• 4 years ago

I assume the "problems at home" are the ones affecting work performance. It's very difficult to keep productivity up, especially in a creative / complex field like programming, if one's mind is filled with other thoughts.

This works especially well if the person doesn't want to take vacation, or cannot, for one reason or another, and can also be in the form you state (I have to deal with stuff, I need a bit of slack at work). Not everybody is comfortable saying even that in a "team" setting.

codeflo• 4 years ago

At the risk of sounding cliche, I think the pattern of frequent 1:1s is a technique for managing people instead of leading them.

I've experienced this in both roles, and honestly, engineers, no matter how junior, should be able to get by a few weeks without constant management intervention.

Maybe weekly 1:1 are so common because there's a glut of nontechnical managers who don't know what else to do with their time? That's not the situation Ben Kuhn describes, but I don't know.

nicoburns• 4 years ago

Well yes, it’s a management technique, not a leadership technique. It’s about making sure that someone’s happy with how things are going, talking about the things that don’t get talked about day to day, but should be dealt with more frequently than every 6 months at a performance review.

We don’t do them weekly, but they’re definitely valuable.

mindwok• 4 years ago

I’ll offer my own anecdote, which was 1 on 1s with a manager who was really just soliciting feedback about the team, how I was going, what I thought we could do better. Now I don’t have them due to a new job, I miss them dearly.

ianbicking• 4 years ago

"Should be able to" is doing a lot of work there. Are people able to do this? What supporting structures make that possible? Are you sure all those structures are in place and applicable to a certain person's work? A 1:1 would be a good time to find out if not...

Also while any particular 1:1 might be unnecessary, the 1:1s that catch things that might be going bad are IMHO much more important than the ones that aren't strictly necessary. A slow cadence can let problems fester for weeks.

Msw2422• 4 years ago

Weekly 1:1s help me catch personnel issues that, left unattended, would lead to disaffection and attrition.

1:1 is about helping direct reports reach their professional goals when times are good (it's a great time to literally ask what they want), and provide an emotional outlet when things are bad.

It helps me find assholes in my organization who need to be fired to maintain the company's health.

twobitshifter• 4 years ago

If you’re actually firing problematic people then bravo. I’ve seen managers treat 1:1 as a venting tool and never act to actually change the problem. In those cases the 1:1 is actually fuel to the fire.

zeruch• 4 years ago

As someone who has led (mostly) remote teams for years, 1:1s are essential, but can't be made cookie cutter. I use a fairly spartan template for the structure of them to start, and let them evolve as different people have different needs.

I of course want to make sure that I'm getting what I need out of them (e.g. clarity about what is being done, what has run into an obstacle, the general state of mind of the report, et al) but I also want them to feel engaged in whatever way that builds rapport and makes them feel comfortable discussing sometimes uncomfortable things (I do lean towards 'exception based' meetings rather than rote repetitive agendas).

What this means is that my last team got very good at asserting what worked best: one senior person used up almost all of his default allotted hour a week, because they dealt with a lot of escalation/thorny stuff and wanted to soundboard/problem solve in tandem, which I was more than ok with, one was completely "fire and forget" and for weeks at a time 1:1s would rarely last longer than 10-15 minutes as they hammered through various client tasks in volume and I didn't need to bird-dog any of it.

It improved comms overall, and I never felt like I was in the dark on major concerns, and they feel/felt heard.

Too often 1:1s become time sinks of reflexive behaviors and telegraphed responses, and you should avoid that.

imgabe• 4 years ago

One is that grad schools are really dysfunctional. If I, a person whose sole qualification is caring a lot, could help Eve speed up her dissertation by ~25%, then her philosophy department is leaving a lot of productivity on the table.

They are dysfunctional from the perspective of grad students. For the advisors (professors) their priorities are:

1. publish

2. get grants

Basically nothing else matters in terms of what they're evaluated on.

"My grad student finished 25% faster" does pretty much nothing for the advisor's career compared to "My team performed 25% better" for a manager's career.

YEwSdObPQT• 4 years ago

I honestly think that people on these blog embellish things far too much. Maybe they work better for these people but "unreasonably effective" ... really?

I find the ones I've had with most managers is typically split into these things.

1) Small talk about some nonsense for about 1/3 of the duration.

2) Talk about work for a 1/3 of the duration.

3) Moan about something at work.

4) Hope that I haven't screwed something up.

Then awkwardly ending the meeting. I dunno they've never worked for me.

r00fus• 4 years ago

I want to put this out there - for those who think manager 1:1s are not useful, do you have a good mentoring system in your organization?

I've found some of the author's points could also apply to a moderately structured mentoring relationship.

Sniffnoy• 4 years ago

(2019)

ineedasername• 4 years ago

Why should it be unreasonable? Not everything that is effective is "unreasonable" in that effectiveness.

If you find these headlines compelling then I also have one weird trick for making you unreasonably effective at making headlines.

JohnBooty2• 4 years ago

Anecdotal (but then again so is the whole discussion) ...I recently started a job with a company that does regular 1:1's and wow.

Been in this industry for 20+ years and I never knew how badly I needed this.

Theoretically, obviously, managers can have "open door" policies where you can talk to them any time about any thing. Theoretically, this would suffice. In reality, I have always generally felt awful about bothering managers and taking up their time. Having dedicated 1:1 time is an absolute gamechanger.

scrubs• 4 years ago

One-on-ones? Let me tell you: just like couples there are a few in which the relationship is unreasonably effective and, of half those cases, they couldn't half-explain why two times in a row. The rest? The std. deviation is shocking. It's all over the place.

So there we are: it is and can be awesome. But in too many corporations games -- especially lack of openness -- prevents things from going anywhere. And that, friends, is a darn shame.

As I mention time to time on HN the best, short, spot on reads that take this to its core avoiding simplistic conclusions while arriving at doable, realistic things are two:

https://www.amazon.com/Human-Element-Productivity-Self-Estee...

https://www.amazon.com/What-Total-Quality-Control-Japanese/d...

In different, self reinforcing ways, there's a confluence: those with self awareness will figure it out nicely summarized by Schutz's Jung quote:

"All the greatest and most important problems in life are fundamentally insoluble ... they can never be solved but only outgrown. This 'outgrowing' proves upon further investigation to require a new level of consciousness."

This dovetails with one of the central insight's in Human Element: the biggest impediment to teamwork are rigid individuals. The how, why, and what next? Gotta hit the books. Good grief: used copies of the book can come to your front door for less than a Padron cigar or 15 year Laphroaig single. That's value.

Off subject but a particularly funny example of can't-change is the Angelica Huston part in Buffalo-66, an absolutely outstanding film.

candyman• 4 years ago

It's hard to comment on something this general. 1-1 meetings come in so many different contexts. One thing that I think is universal is what questions you ask and how good you are at listening. I offer one idea which is if you want to amplify whatever 1-1 meeting you have take it out of the room/building. Go for a walk, pretend you need to run out to the pharmacy and bring them along, get a coffee or drink. Be creative. I've had 1-1 meetings that were useless (Zoom is generally bad) and some that were transformative. It does take two to tango but you can at least bring your dancing shoes!

ask_b123• 4 years ago

I had never seen the word "report" used in such way (to refer to a person) and suddenly it is everywhere in this thread.

fastball• 4 years ago

It's the word used in the article, so makes sense it is what people will use in the thread.

ndneighbor• 4 years ago

I have been pretty unlucky in my career where my prior 1:1s were with managers who viewed the responsibility as a chore rather than a way to provide constructive feedback. As a result, my prior 1:1s were usually always cancelled or were a status update. Now my 1:1s are a little bit like what the OP has here.

Really interesting to see the mixed sentiment kinda reflect my attitude as well.

theshrike79• 4 years ago

1:1's don't always need to have an agenda, they don't need to be interrogations and they don't need to be Very Official.

When I had a team, our 1:1s were 99% just a lunch with the two of us. Neither party had a set agenda and there was no expectation on achieving anything than a full stomach and a free lunch for both. (Company paid for 1:1 lunches) It was also considered as work time.

Sometimes people opened up, sometimes they didn't. Still I managed to keep track of my team just fine that way.

ulnarkressty• 4 years ago

From what articles I read, the idea of discussing project work in 1-on-1s is considered more of an anti-pattern. You are supposed to talk more about personal concerns, how they are fitting in, if they need anything etc.

What these articles don't really prepare you for is when your report refuses to play ball and they just say they have nothing to talk about, everything is fine and ask for an early lunch. Much like the cynical commenters on this thread. Then you've got managers trying to 'reach these kids' and lots of friction.

gspr• 4 years ago

Where this goes wrong is assuming that research (i.e. the thing one does in grad school) is something that is anywhere near as amenable to "time management" as product development or engineering is.

The whole point of research is to push into the unknown. It's, in some sense, something that consists nearly only of unknowns and things you cannot really plan for. Sure, there's some general tricks like knowing when to take a step back, knowing when to abandon an endeavour that seems doomed, knowing when you've gone far enough, etc., but it's still nothing like where the author seems to be coming from.

ochronus3• 4 years ago

Well, 1:1s are just a tool, not the goal. As any tool they can be totally ineffective or a game-changer. I've written about the potential purpose of 1:1s, as well as things to avoid: https://leadership.garden/the-basics-of-one-on-ones/

ahaferburg• 4 years ago

Oh hey, I just wanted to post this. I really enjoyed your article, and also the one that lead me to it: https://leadership.garden/the-5-common-mistakes-of-new-engin...

ochronus3• 4 years ago

awww thanks :) I'm really happy you liked my articles!

goguy• 4 years ago

Nice article, spotted a small typo.

If you don’t, you risk being seen as ~reliable~ and people might feel you’re not there when they need you.

ochronus3• 4 years ago

Oof, thanks! Nice catch, fixed

bamboozled2• 4 years ago

I get absolutely nothing out of them, I'd say I hate them...

bamboozled2• 4 years ago

...crazily I had a pretty good one the other day ha

bryanrasmussen2• 4 years ago

It seems this is really an abuse of the whole unreasonable effectiveness meme, there is no way that 1 on 1s are as unreasonably effective as math is, in fact I think in our arguing about it we are hard pressed to agree that they are even reasonably effective!

To be unreasonably effective I suppose something should handle problems most of the time and only fail on a few edge cases, in which case if we want to accept one on ones as unreasonably effective I think the next step is to write an article The Unreasonable Effectiveness of Falsehoods Programmers commonly believe about Names, or addresses or any of the other suppositions that we are commonly wrong about, because I think our misconceptions about these things are as a general more likely to succeed than not, which is as unreasonably effective as one on ones are.

The unreasonable effectiveness of one-on-ones

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