Ask HN: I'm falling in love with my already involved cofounder,what should I do?

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=9840419

by quescell • 11 years ago

29 71 11 years ago

news.ycombinator.com

I'm in a really crazy situation, I co-founded and I'm working at a startup with one of my best friends and his girlfriend.

During the last few months I'm completely falling in love with her and she's too (my friend obviously doesn't know)

I deeply care about everything: the startup, my friend and her, and this is like a bomb which will cause many break ups once it'll explode.

Has anyone of you been in this situation? How did it go and what do you suggest to do?

elmerfud• 11 years ago

If you really care deeply about all those things then do nothing until your startup has succeeded or failed of it own accord.

Business is business, and that should be your primary concern at this point. A startup can have an interesting dynamic, with very close working relationships, stress, etc... It can cause people to rely on each other in ways they wouldn't normally have to do and thus produce feelings that aren't necessarily mature.

There's really no "good" way to deal with it. The best way would be handled it after the business is up and going, but it is still likely not be be a good resolution. Someone will be hurt.

Then there's the quite unlikely event that everyone is sufficiently open-minded and a nice polygamous relationship will develop..... this would be the most unlikely option.

bombardISIS• 11 years ago

Yes, keep focus!

But you can continue your relationship, it's not problem anymore.

I hope love somehow can motivate you. Good Luck!

scosman• 11 years ago

Call TLC, get a reality show. Call it "Risky Business"

crimsonalucard13• 11 years ago

The perfect pivot!

toomuchtodo• 11 years ago

This is brilliant. I'd Kickstart the hell out of this.

msgilligan• 11 years ago

Isn't this Breaking Bad? The friend being Walter White?

fdadfdad• 11 years ago

Feelings are feelings. I could write many paragraphs about this, but just keep your head down and make this startup succeed!

gscott• 11 years ago

Find your friend a new even better girlfriend. Then he won't mind your relieving him of his old one.

iblaine• 11 years ago

Ever see that Seinfeld episode titled The Switch? While this situation is slightly different, the same premise applies. This will end very well or very bad and I'm glad I'm not in your shoes.

joeax• 11 years ago

You heard George. In all of history it's never been done.

buckbova• 11 years ago

Keep it in your pants.

g8oz• 11 years ago

You haven't found the "one". Proximity is the main driver behind this situation. Work harder at meeting other women before you betray your friend. Also be warned: if she'll cheat on him she'll cheat on you.

briandear3• 11 years ago

Marry her! Just kick the other dude to the curb; unless he's the technical guy and you're the biz-dev guy, then you'll want to carry on the affair behind his back at least until other developers have been hired and your code is well documented.

If you or her are the technical side of things, then just quietly disable his access to the organizations Github and repositories. You might want to reincorporate as well, leaving him off the new papers. "An oversight!" you'll say. Then you promise to get it fixed "As soon as you aren't so busy." Change the company's name while you're at it. Or just recreate the entire business under a new entity.

As far as the girl is concerned, let her be the one to break the news after she's cleared out the apartment, you've moved into different offices (or workspaces) and all email accounts/phones/etc have been locked down with new passwords. Or, just don't break the news at all. Your choice. Same outcome. Bewildered vs. Angry. No sweat off your back.

Just pretend the other guy never existed and don't return any calls or acknowledge him every having been someone you've known.

..a few years later

He shows up at your offices just after you've IPO'd and you've become a paper billionaire. He's got the Winklevoss Twins with him and he smacks you in the face just before serving you with papers.

..a few years after that..

You're the CEO of the largest social network on the planet and people across the world turn to you and shower you with accolades. The old boyfriend was just a several hundred million dollar blip on the screen. The girl, still with the company but not with you, has since moved on to a younger model and you've gone bald and your neckbeard is streaked with grey. You spend a lot of time on 4chan. More than you used to. You'll think wearing hoodies maintains your coolness and connection with the team.

OR..

You could just put the feelings aside and run your company. If the girl wants to end it with homeboy, then leave that between the two of them. Your involvement in things need not be disclosed. Likely he'll quit in disgust or depression or he's actually happy about it because he's been looking for a girl that isn't quite so easily going to jump ship for his cofounder. If they actually break up, and if he quits, then you can get things going with your little superstar. If they break up and he's a pro and doesn't quit, then you'll have to ask yourself, is she worth it? If she is, then ditch the company, marry the girl and then figure something else out. Many people might disagree, but true love is worth more than a dozen successful startups. I married my cofounder and I'd give up the business in a second if I were in a position where I had to choose. But, you gotta know it in your heart. I've been with my wife 4 years now and it still feels like the first day.

Good luck. Oh and post pics (of the girl..) We need to see what this startup-wrecker looks like!

codezero2• 11 years ago

In this situation, it sounds like they are both startup wreckers, not just the woman involved.

namirez• 11 years ago

Don't $hit where you eat; is it that hard to understand?

briandear3• 11 years ago

Obviously two thirds of the team is already doing that.

thoman233• 11 years ago

Well, at least two thirds. More like 4/3 in various combinations and configurations.

Kenji• 11 years ago

I hope I'll never have a 'best friend' who allows himself to get this deep into a relationship with my girlfriend. But then again, maybe I have an old-fashioned concept of friendship and caring. Respect your friend's relationship.

logicrime• 11 years ago

Yeah you know I was thinking the same thing. How unfortunate it would be to partner up in business with someone who cares so little about the business that they would pursue my significant other without hesitation or consideration for my feelings, her feelings, or most important of all: the business itself!

I see too many people treating startups and exec positions like regular labor jobs, as if they are just entitled to be there because they know what's up. It's a real privilege to be a part of someone's idea to that level of intimacy, and what a shame to let something so petty as lust to destroy that intimacy and opportunity.

zaccus• 11 years ago

You don't get to date every person you become infatuated with. Grow up, then go fall in love with someone who is not dating your best friend, fool.

briandear3• 11 years ago

Do we have evidence of an infatuation? I think we might be assuming facts not in evidence, counselor.

welshguy• 11 years ago

Don't. It's not right is it? And, morals aside, if it became widespread knowledge, it could tarnish both your own and your company's brand. Are you funded? What would your VCs think? Focus on your business and your friendships, nothing more.

nerdy• 11 years ago

So you're actually seriously considering ruining your business and your friendship for her?

I don't know you, your business, or either one of them... but I think you need to take a step back without the love goggles on and ask yourself if this isn't going to be massively regrettable mistake in hindsight.

It's great that you've recognized how bad the situation can go but... why would you carry on? There are plenty of other people out there and while I'm sure she seems special you can't just go getting in bed with every employee/cofounder/friend's significant other you're ever attracted to.

anorborg• 11 years ago

I think you should leave the business. You have made a decision which could irreparably harm it. If both you and the girlfriend truly care about the business, you'll both sign "i won't sue" resignations and do whatever your friend needs to help the transition.

There is no trust in the co-founder relationship now and you've made bad decisions for the company. I do no think you can successfully carry on especially if this is a small company.

As for your friendship, I can only wish you luck. I don't believe I could accept this kind of betrayal but everyone is different.

ifdefdebug• 11 years ago

I wonder how many startup co-founders with a girlfriend and a co-founder who is supposed to be (one of) his best friend(s) are reading this right now...

Anyway, I don't buy it from you that you "deeply care" about all three of them (startup, friend and her). On a second thought, I don't buy any of this: whoever finds himself in such a situation and asks for advice at HN must be a f* moron. And deserves to be miserable.

So I guess you just made it all up.

AznHisoka• 11 years ago

I call bullshit on "deeply care" too. You don't care (let alone deeply care) about your friends life and feelings. And you definitely don't care about his girlfriend (you DO lust for her, that's the right word) Whether you made it up or not I'll give OP the benefit of the doubt. I can think of much amusing questions if he wanted to troll.

crimsonalucard13• 11 years ago

Both you and that girl are ass holes for betraying your friend.

The moral thing to do is for both of you to give up your stakes in the startup. Let him find better partners. You guys obviously don't deserve to be on the team.

In the end, you and the girl will have each other, and he will be single, but in full control of the startup. It's more than fair, given the fact that your friend didn't do anything, and you two betrayed his trust.

nicholas73• 11 years ago

Or everyone can act like adults? Feelings are natural, and nothing has happened (or has it?).

crimsonalucard13• 11 years ago

Adults are just kids with money.

mmxiii9• 11 years ago

This is a nonsensical comment. With the information we are given, there's hardly any basis to conclude anything about:

1. Who is betraying who

2. Who should take ownership of the startup in case of a breakup

The OP is asking for any relevant experience and advice, not for someone to irrationally moralize.

crimsonalucard13• 11 years ago

This is a nonsensical response ignoring the intrinsic relationship between morality and the information given.

Since the situation is intrinsically related to morality. My advice is therefore also related to morality. Just because the OP doesn't specifically ask for a moral answer doesn't preclude me addressing morality.

Betrayal and ownership are subjective in this context. However, there is still a majority consensus that can be arrived at based on the information given. Many will come to a single conclusion on who is the betrayer and who morally deserves ownership. When a person thoughtlessly steals his best friends girlfriend, what do you think the majority consensus will be?

zer00eyz• 11 years ago

Some of this is natural:

If you spend a lot of time with decent people, its going to happen that you form "bonds". Just take a look at this http://www.nytimes.com/2015/04/19/fashion/anger-management-w...

Under NO circumstances can you act on this, not now not when it is over between them. To be frank, you don't want to be involved with the person who is going to cut and run (her) and you don't want to be breaking up that relationship.

What is more alarming is how you are building a business with a couple. Is everything a three way split? Are you 50/50 with one of them and the other works there. There are so many ways this could turn toxic, you need to have a good long think about "how can this end badly" just from a business perspective.

codezero2• 11 years ago

You can spend a lot of time with someone, and get very close, without letting it escalate.

It sounds like it's too late for that.

You should start preparing to shut down your company and find something new to work on.

What are your options really:

1. Friend finds out, company will suffer

2. You tell friend, company will suffer

3. You keep it a secret, company will suffer

Even if your friend peaces out, and it's just you and your new girlfriend, you can't really believe that this will end up a great success, can you?

pdiddy• 11 years ago

It sounds like you discussed this with her already (when you said "she's too"). If so, you're having an emotional affair. In either case, you need to stop immediately. It's very difficult, but force yourself not to think about her.

BerislavLopac• 11 years ago

If I were you, I'd leave all three and find a job (any job) in a completely different town.

myohan• 11 years ago

"she's too" implies the relationship between her and boyfriend is already broken so you don't exactly know if you're truly falling in love with her or if your falling in love with her current emotional vulnerability due to the problems in her relationship...in order to keep your friendship and this startup you should completely avoid her and even have a private discussion with her letting her know that this should no longer continue...

mattkrisiloff• 11 years ago

Hey -- similar situation happened to me. People gave me some good advice on what to do, but still didn't work out. Want to talk about your situation? Shoot me an email --mattkrisiloff@gmail.com

ychandler• 11 years ago

Is this reddit? This feels like Reddit

brogrammer90• 11 years ago

Speaking as a hedonist, I say go for it. This fling will bring you to highs that even a billion dollar exit can't buy. Think about that! Even our hero Sergey Brin chose a 26 year old project manager over his family and lead Android engineer.

thoman233• 11 years ago

Given your username, I'm going to go ahead and assume (hope?) this is ill-conceived snark.

agnivade• 11 years ago

This is not Quora. Move on.

velebak• 11 years ago

Defuse the bomb. The cost is too damned high, if you care as deeply as you say. It's your decision ultimately, but you came to HN for some sort of external validation of your feelings. Bad move #1. Leave it at that and learn from the experience. Now GBTW and build an awesome product.

jason_slack• 11 years ago

You are getting some hard advice/comments from HN'ers.

So, you might feel like you are "in love" with her, but are you really just in love with, perhaps, her work ethic, devotion to the startup, the fact you are probably spending a lot of time with her, etc?

Maybe you just haven't found these traits in the right girl yet? I think you really want a girl in your life that has these traits.

Don't cheat on your best friend with his girlfriend. It is bad for the friendship, bad for the company and you don't know what hole this might leave the guy with. You may effect his trust level in everyone for a long time to come. I myself could not live with having done that.

laurabw• 11 years ago

Do you guys have funding? If so, you will have to be respectful of the trust that your investors placed into you three as people. It's your duty to your investors do what's best for business.

Totally understand that passion is hard to control. In this case, especially if outside capital is involved, I'd say "mind over body."

If there is no outside capital involved you'd have to consider the trade-off startup vs. love. That's your private decision and don't let anybody judge you no matter what you end up deciding. Make sure that you have a convo with her before you make a decision. You wouldn't want an expectation mismatch after you have given up your startup for her. If you decide for the startup and against her you should also have a serious convo about not having hard feelings when working together in the future. Good luck!

stonetomb• 11 years ago

Probably going against the grain with this answer... Morally no problem - no one is married here (and in light of recent events - it's a universal thing that everyone believes in). If you want to lock someone down say some vows, otherwise they are fair game to go where their heart takes them.

Is everyone so understanding? No. My advice is to sit down and be honest with her regarding your feelings and say this isn't the right time or place.

pcunite• 11 years ago

Please read the book, "The Five Love Languages" so that you understand how real love works. You may not actually be in love.

This should give you relief about what to do. You don't "have" to react to your feelings because you're feelings may actually be betraying you.

If he is your best friend, I would take him aside and start out with an apology by asking him what to do.

manicdee• 11 years ago

Go away for two weeks. Make sure you go somewhere that there are lots of women. Make sure you meet lots of women.

How? Just sign up with dating sites and meet anyone the site recommends.

In the meantime, pack your figurative bags and prepare to bail out of the startup.

threesomeRocks• 11 years ago

now is good time to watch 'Road Trip'. Try floating the idea of a threesome with them. if you'r lucky to get a 'yes', it would be a win-win for both the startup and the personal relationships.

Ask HN: I'm falling in love with my already involved cofounder,what should I do?

Related Stories