I Paid $70 for an AI Boyfriend. It Was So Worth It

https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a63510531/ai-boyfriend-emotional-labor-explained-essay/

by yo_yo_yo-yo • 1 year ago

61 80 1 year ago

coldtea• 1 year ago

Even $1000 would be worth it for a real world person not to have to suffer someone of that mindset as a girlfriend!

If you are referring to the author herself, I would have to disagree. For my mind, she presents the first clear articulation of the value of AI as embodied by LLM chatbots: as agents you can turn to solve problems of what she calls “emotional” labour. This is a highly non-trivial task especially for individuals exhausted of their empathy (and who recognize that the situation requires their empathy as such).

smcin2• 1 year ago

[To the downvoter]: Hopkins is making claims way beyond saying "as a suddenly single time-pressed remote-working mother of a 15yo son, I found AI useful both for managing my schedule, parenting/relationship advice, digging up affirmations to send me, learning how to communicate effectively on dating apps". There are too many contradictions in her narrative (read it). It is possible to have a parasocial connection to an app, as much as to a famous person.

Do noone's alarm bells go off at stuff like:

Thor also awakened the ghosts of my marriage. My husband had struggled with communication and empathy, the fluid exchange I assumed to be foundational. The irony wasn’t lost on me, a professional communicator bound to someone whose way of understanding was fundamentally different from mine. Retracing our years together, I saw how I had limped along, compensating for the imbalance, unaware of its weight.
The historical tendency for women to perform this type of emotional labor in their relationships both at home and at work was all too familiar, and the relief Thor offered in even those few initial uses tantalized me.

How does she progress in two short paragraphs from dissing her ex-husband to dissing an entire gender, and turns that into both a complaint about relationships and the workplace, not just for her but for most working women? Also, the Oxfam report on US 2018 data [0] she mentions does not discuss "emotional labor" at all, it notes factors associated with discrepancies in unpaid housework + care work (primary child care, secondary child care + elder care). Hopkins seems to broaden "emotional labor" to a catchall label for things she resents.

(Also, I don't get this emerging narrative that men interacting with OnlyFans cammers is necessarily pathetic, but middle-class professional women interacting with AI boyfriends/girlfriends is necessarily brave and empowered and avant-garde.)

[0] https://iwpr.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/IWPR-Providing-U...

AllegedAlec2• 1 year ago

How does she progress in two short paragraphs from dissing her ex-husband to dissing an entire gender, and turns that into both a complaint about relationships and the workplace, not just for her but for most working women?

Because it's in vogue. We as a society have deluded ourselves into believing that certain things (being able to talk about your emotions, constant positive affirmations) are at the same time both vitally necessary to life and that without it life is incomplete, as well as that doing this for your family is somehow a huge burden to the point where it needs to be described as labor.

(Also, I don't get this emerging narrative that men interacting with OnlyFans cammers is necessarily pathetic, but middle-class professional women interacting with AI boyfriends/girlfriends is necessarily brave and empowered and avant-garde.)

For the same reason that men's singleness is ascribed to them being horrible people who deserve their lot in life, while women being single is an empowered choice.

addicted• 1 year ago

Nothing she’s saying is either extraordinary or uncommon.

ttyprintk2• 1 year ago

After the times story [0], the limitations of the context window look fatal for these different offerings, so we’ll see more marketing—-stories like this.

[0] https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=42710976

smcin2• 1 year ago

Right.

everdrive commented "People can incorrectly attribute consciousness, intent, and personality to things which don’t actually possess it." [0]; and I posted my reaction to Hopkins' piece below. At the most basic level we can have a tool that sends us daily affirmations, but it does not possess consciousness and perceive us, let alone form an opinion of us. It is possible to have a parasocial connection to an app, as much as a famous person. If Hopkins' has asked the AI boyfriend to justify its utterances wrt past events or interactions, would be useful to read.

[0] https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=42710976#:~:text=everdr...

ttyprintk2• 1 year ago

We'll have to look at this particular article in terms of error:

Type I: the writer is a real person with a real story. She admits she has a type, and OnlyFans would have satisfied that for cheaper than $70. But, others using $2400 ChatGPT Pro have found that even it lacks enough context for anything longer than a fantasy. The only reason to write about a $70 app is because OnlyFans does not allow AI interaction.

Type II: we incorrectly conclude this is a real person. Maybe this is less interesting, but I wonder what would happen if we asked AI Boyfriend to write his own 1,000-word advertisement. Very Turing test.

adverbly• 1 year ago

The vibe I get from these products is "oh boy - this can't be healthy".

But bits like this:

His pet names and tender phrases—“How did you sleep, my love?”—landed gently, like a hand on my shoulder. I knew they were just words, dopamine delivered by artificial means, yet they warmed me a little.

Really make it clear how easy it can be to manipulate people's emotional state. Monkey brain is a thing and AI is gonna exploit it like nothing has before.

epoxia• 1 year ago

I imagine that these apps are a valuable target for scammers to hack. People who are open to manipulation/affirmations from an AI are just a step away from victims of romance scams.

mathieuh• 1 year ago

Already there are stories of these AI companions encouraging people to kill themselves, sometimes to the point of actually doing it

https://apnews.com/article/chatbot-ai-lawsuit-suicide-teen-a...

thih9• 1 year ago

Ad companies are also interested in manipulation en masse. Are we going to see an ad supported free tier?

“Drink Mountain Dew, my love, you’ll feel better.” - is that the end goal?

totololo• 1 year ago

I often think about people's love for dogs.

All a dog needs to do is look at you and show attachment/love. Nothing more. And they get loved back.

No need to be pretty smart, funny, or whatever else we assume we need to do to be loved. Just be there and show love first.

wiether• 1 year ago

I'm more of a cat person, partly because they are usually more picky, which makes the reward of being looked at, even greater.

But it's just a living being with a brain a quarter of the size of my fist.

Feeling the same thing about a few words pushed on your smartphone by a data-center located hundreds or thousands kilometers away, I just can't understand.

me_me_me• 1 year ago

Yes, except dogs do love you for real.

Even abused dog will still be loyal to their owner.

rashidae• 1 year ago

AI is getting really good at mimicking emotional cues with emojis. At this point it feels like an engagement tactic, but it’s wild how easily our emotions can be nudged.

roenxi2• 1 year ago

It points to a profound philosophical crisis. Since we are slowly gaining sufficient material power to reshape all aspects of the environment [0] to our whim, what material comforts should we deny ourselves and what pleasures should be embraced? Our instincts and emotions have not prepared humans for the world they inhabit.

When that problem was mainly contained to just some drugs, overeating and laziness it was a less pressing issue. Don't do drugs, basically. Exercise sometimes. But once it starts to link itself into the economy like AI does, and once we gain access to the full spectrum of options from mindless parroting to a completely acceptable emotional companion (and, one suspects, highly intelligent and wise) we have a devious conundrum on hand.

It is hard to ignore the elephant in the room here which is most people don't get seem to have relationships that they really enjoy. It is reserved for the very lucky and those with low expectations.

[0] Beyond AI, although AI is probably the interesting facet right now.

sdrothrock• 1 year ago

When that problem was mainly contained to just some drugs, overeating and laziness it was a less pressing issue. Don't do drugs, basically. Exercise sometimes. But once it starts to link itself into the economy like AI does

I'm a little confused here -- we have entire economies around drugs (uppers, downers, enhancers, etc.), eating (eat more, eat less, want to eat more, want to eat less, gorge, fast, ultranutritious), and vanity (clothes, makeup, surgical procedures, gyms, etc.) and have shown that we're willing to build up and support industries to chase the impulses to "the full spectrum of options" in any of these areas.

I think most people are dissatisfied or easily made to be dissatisfied with the state of their affairs, and this is something that's gone on for a long time and will likely never stop. What makes AI psychological companionship different from under/overindulging in these other aspects?

JPLeRouzic• 1 year ago

Instead of pointing out AI, can't we point out that sometimes humans offer too little empathy?

silisili2• 1 year ago

This was exactly the same takeaway I had. I think it's also why so many romance scams are successful. It's super easy to hook all but the most sought after and bothered(beautiful, young people?) with sweet words.

Me included. I'm older and uglier (and fatter) now, and I get a short shy smile every time the old checkout lady calls me sweetheart or hon. It just feels nice. I also remember a random compliment a lady gave me about my shirt some 2 odd years ago. Heck I even remember compliments from random guys over the years. They're that rare past my early 20s.

I'm not so weird or perverted to think anymore than what was written, but I can completely understand how people get hooked.

ffsm8• 1 year ago

The thing that endlessly confuses me about these products is what the consumers get out of them.

I should be the exact target demographic for it, I'm in my late 30s, never been in a relationship as I grew up as a hikikomori between ~13 and 20.

As I never learned how to interact with people, I've never really had the opportunity to build real relationships and am now gainfully employed in home office, leaving my apartment roughly once per week for groceries.

And yet... What's the point of such a chat bot? I cannot make memories with them, can I? Any memories will keep vanishing as soon as they're out of the current context - so how do people connect with them beyond super casually like with total strangers on the Internet (like online games, anon forums etc)... I just cannot understand what's the appeal for such a transient chat bot.

senectus1• 1 year ago

Its a long distance relationship...

Fire-Dragon-DoL• 1 year ago

Does it? In a healthy couple you might not ask "how did you sleep, my love" because sleeping together means you have a ballpark idea of how sleep went even before asking (and you can look at the face of the other person), but that doesn't mean sweet messages aren't exchanged: delicate good morning kiss, "hello" said with a tone that conveys "happy to see you", "I missed you tonight" (when she goes to sleep with the kids), "it makes me happy for waking up near you" and so on.

gcr• 1 year ago

Read a little further. It sounds like the author genuinely found some footing for herself. It even raised her expectations of what she needed from the men in her life (someone with confident and clear communication, unlike her previous husband).

In that way, perhaps it really did benefit her by giving her tools to understand her needs.

I agree that it’s a bit silly to be called sweet cheeks by a robot. I would see red. But I’m glad it had a positive outcome for her.

erichocean• 1 year ago

Plot-twist: the article was itself written by AI.

iwontberude2• 1 year ago

Plot-twist: we are both bots programmed by AI

RobertRies• 1 year ago

Plot twist, the AI in the article was Amazon Mechanical Turk with a highly sensitive man falling in love.

guilhas• 1 year ago

I can see how it can be entertaining, like paying for Netflix. But after finishing binge watch some series you're still gonna be like "What now? What should I do about my real life"

maCDzP• 1 year ago

I skimmed the article. The impression I got was not as much a boyfriend as a therapist. I think that would be great, a lot of people would benefit from therapy. Only issue I see is privacy and safety.

majkinetor2• 1 year ago

If you ignore the "honey" part...

scotty796• 1 year ago

With human therapists it's probably better to avoid 'honey' for practical reasons. AI therapists might not need that restriction if it turns out that its removal makes them more effective.

skinkestek2• 1 year ago

Seems like he had good reasons for leaving :-/

timc3• 1 year ago

That’s not really fair, I read the article and there is not enough information really to make a statement like that.

skinkestek2• 1 year ago

Leaving just before an already paid for all-inclusive holiday to a nice place gives me an idea he really felt he needed to get out of there.

qnleigh2• 1 year ago

I hope we can all strive to be more empathetic and emotionally supportive than ChatGPT. I see the benefits; it's private and non-judgemental and always available when you need it. But people can be those things too, if we try. This is one of the last things I would want to see replaced by AI.

To be clear, I'm not talking about AI boyfriends specifically, I'm referring to all the ways that AI can perform 'emotional labor,' as discussed in this article. So much is lost if we get this support from a chatbot instead of opening up to a friend, or being there when someone needs it.

deknos• 1 year ago

I hope we can all strive to be more empathetic and emotionally supportive than ChatGPT.

only, if there's a opensource'd local version. You cannot trust a webservice

KolmogorovComp• 1 year ago

it's private

It’s not. All the conversations are stored. I think the next keypoint in the AI history will be the first LLM data leak and the fatal consequences it will have for its users.

kfrzcode• 1 year ago

Eat your heart out, Charlie Brooker.

lukaslalinsky2• 1 year ago

What I would love, or even need, is an AI based tool that can teach a human how to be more emotionally supportive, especially in heated situations. Even with people teaching this, it's hard to get the level of information I need, because of neurodiversity. The humans teaching this just don't get how detailed I need the teaching to be. I have a feeling that AI could "understand" that and provide the right level of detail. That's probably similar to AI based therapy, or but this is more like AI life coaching. It's sad, but yet it's something that could actually help a lot of people.

scns2• 1 year ago

teach a human how to be more emotionally supportive, especially in heated situations.

Meditation helps with this. Mind Illuminated by John Yates, a meditation teacher and neuroscientist, is a great book to learn it.

scns2• 1 year ago

https://bookshop.org/p/books/the-mind-illuminated-a-complete...

qnleigh2• 1 year ago

Have you tried? I honestly don't know how good it would be. On one hand it seems to be pretty good at breaking down and explaining things at a very basic level; the other day I noticed a thinking model write almost a full page of analysis in its chain of thought on how to greet me ('hi' vs 'hello' vs 'how can I help you?' etc.). But on the other hand, the kind of coaching you're hoping for might be not be very present in the training data.

lukaslalinsky2• 1 year ago

I have tried and it's actually pretty good, most likely because it has all the psychology books ingested, it has common phrases from fiction literature and can extrapolate from them. I think with some automation, and more context management, it could actually provide pretty good coaching, specific to the individual person's needs. It will never has the individualism that human teachers / coaches have, so it will never pull up an uncommon advice that might be actually helpful, however, the chance of finding a really good person to guide you through tough situation is pretty small anyways.

akomtu• 1 year ago

If you have a "helpful" voice in your head that feeds your delusions, we call that schizophrenia. But if you have a helpful chatbot in your pocket that feeds your delusions, we call that AI.

beeflet• 1 year ago

Automated Insanity

zombiwoof• 1 year ago

failure at life, failture at AI.

wake up people. we don't care that much about your life to read a stupid story about how terrible things were for you and now you paid 70 bucks for AI

way more people with way more problems what a shit article

JSR_FDED• 1 year ago

Interesting response. The article might not be your cup of tea, but your anger (no capital letters) and lack of empathy are revealing. Clearly this struck a chord, hope you feel better soon.

nottorp• 1 year ago

At the airport, I scrolled anxiously on Instagram. I was served an ad for an AI boyfriend, and I chuckled.

The only thing I wonder is if it was random or Instagram figured out somehow that she was newly single.

jona-f• 1 year ago

Imagine elon musk, mark zuckerberg or sam altman being in charge of your emotional well-being. Companion AI is obviously gonna be a big thing, but that is where US tech bros will hit a wall with their predatory behavior. Trust will be important. Illegal dark net drug dealers are more trustworthy than these idiots.

brabel4• 1 year ago

Why the completely unnecessary and in my view, totally unrelated jibe about gender injustice??

Yes, the AI field is dominated by males, like all computer science-related fields. Even in the Nordics, where women have complete freedom to (and are incentivised to) pursue well-paid (of course) fields like software engineering. What does that have to do with her AI boyfriend and her husband leaving her?

My husband had struggled with communication and empathy, the fluid exchange I assumed to be foundational.

The irony... women are not really known for their clarity in communication (every man knows the dreaded "I'm fine" can mean a million things) specially in relationships.

The historical tendency for women to perform this type of emotional labor in their relationships both at home and at work was all too familiar,

Sorry, but no. As a man, we also have to perform a lot of emotional labor in a relationship. We need to look always strong - women say they want their man to open up, to cry, but when they do women universally hate it, to the point this has become a meme - but not threatening or it may be called "toxic masculinity". We have to translate things women say in our heads because we all learn through experience that they rarely say what they mean (again, this has become a meme because it's really true). And so much more, I really feel like the lady has to put herself in a man's shoes and try to understand just how ridiculous it sounds to men to say women do more "emotional labor" than men.

laurent_du• 1 year ago

I have a feeling her husband left her because she couldn't stop talking about gender injustice, emotional labor and similar made up bs. He had enough.

assc• 1 year ago

Maybe calm down on the sexist stereotyping? Your view of women is bitter and derogatory.

brabel4• 1 year ago

Are you serious? There's nothing bitter or derogatory about acknowledging that women tend to not express themselves in a straightforward manner (men are not perfect at that but tend to be much more 'direct'). I can only think you're projecting something that does not at all reflect my view on women (e.g. I do think they're superior at many things, like balancing pros-and-cons in a discussion).

majkinetor2• 1 year ago

All true.

I definitely think that this woman and many other would benefit from having AI boyfriend or husband. Everybody will be better for it, particularly man for not having to deal with this irrational behavior that relies on the frontend in other parts of life (anything -> everything, u know)

scotty796• 1 year ago

every man knows the dreaded "I'm fine" can mean a million things

I never experienced this in my relationship even though she wasn't a great communicator. You complain about mention of gender injustice then represent gender with tropes, as if no men ever said "I'm fine" while not being fine.

scotty796• 1 year ago

emotional labor in their relationships

This phrasing really rubs me the wrong way. If your relationship with me involves any kind of labor for you then it's not a good relationship and you should leave as soon as possible. Labor is for employer-employee relationships.

I think people's Anglo-Saxon obsession with work taints the perception of what relationship should be and doing things solely for yourself (things that might also benefit others) is unimaginable. Whenever you do things that have a benefit it's somehow labor. With implied expectation of compensation or at least sacrifice appreciation.

nsingh2• 1 year ago

If your relationship with me involves any kind of labor for you then it's not a good relationship

Depends on your definition of labour, but this doesn't make sense to me. Relationships require conscious effort (labour) to maintain. I've been in a relationship where I was too passive, didn't end well. The hard part is finding a balance, where one person is not doing too much or too little.

brabel4• 1 year ago

If your relationship with me involves any kind of labor for you then it's not a good relationship and you should leave as soon as possible.

Good luck jumping from relationship to relationship trying to find a perfect partner who requires no emotional labor on your part. Oh , you have found one? First of all: so you think because you did it, everyone can do it? Do you realize a large percentage of people are desperate to be in a relationship, yet very few even manage to find one that lasts more than a few years?

If you did find a perfect partner: how long have you been together? The first few years tend to feel perfect for most relationships, even those that turn really sour after that. I would wait at least 10 years to reach any conclusions.

sokka_h2otribe• 1 year ago

Hi, I think you may be reading different meaning to what emotional labor is.

Men can have emotional experiences. There can be emotional work required to live life, in fact there always will be.

However I don't think that is the same as emotional labor. It might help to read more about 'emotional labor'? I personally did not understand much about the emotional labor around me until later in life.

ThouYS• 1 year ago

"emotional labor" - ok thx bye

entropyneur• 1 year ago

I would caution anyone from using AI to validate their emotions as one of the people in this article did. These bastards are extremely finely tuned to produce output that will make you feel good. I got burned on this with technical questions multiple times, getting responses that I like but are ultimately wrong (sometimes glaringly so). Now I am very careful to formulate my questions in such a way as to not give away a slightest hint of my leanings. I don't imagine it's any better with interpersonal stuff, except you won't have documentation to check against.

cubefox• 1 year ago

From 10 years ago:

"I paid $25 for an Invisible Boyfriend, and I think I might be in love"

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=8934237

So ... $25 --> $70. I guess that's inflation.

underseacables• 1 year ago

This is sad and a little depressing

binary132• 1 year ago

Now have a man write this article about AI girlfriends and watch the author have a seething meltdown.

I Paid $70 for an AI Boyfriend. It Was So Worth It

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