What to Say To Someone Who is Sick

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/12/fashion/what-to-say-to-someone-whos-sick-this-life.html?pagewanted=1&ref=general&src=me

by startupstella • 15 years ago

234 87 15 years ago

nytimes.com

araneae2• 15 years ago

I'd add "Everything happens for a reason" to the "nevers" list. My mother has leukemia, and her cousin said that to her.

sigzero• 15 years ago

I hope your cousin got slapped! My goodness!

runjake• 15 years ago

http://ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html

randall3• 15 years ago

Seriously +10000.

When my brother died, people would say that a lot to me. It's extremely common in my culture (Mormonism) and I even believe it, but that's something that you need to say to yourself, and not have others say to you. When other people say it to you, it's like someone punched you in the face with what you should believe, and it's not comforting, nor does it feel good in any respect.

lkozma• 15 years ago

Sorry for your loss. It's interesting that it is a worldview adopted by many Christian groups, since for example, the book of Job from the bible is basically on this topic: to simplify, Job becomes sick, friends come and say everything happens with a reason, Job says that's bullshit, God rewards him for it. This is of course my somewhat personal reading of it, so it might be a serious misinterpretation.

bad_user3• 15 years ago

I never say that as it doesn't seem right to me. What good reason could God have for the loss of a good man or child that is without sin?

If you're a Christian however, you do have a small comfort that death may only be the beginning. And that's really what Christians should hear - that the loved one is in a better place.

And yes I know, that sucks too as how could you really know that she's in a better place? But I experienced this myself and it sticks in the back of your subconscious, eventually giving you comfort.

nostromo• 15 years ago

As an atheist I would be seriously upset if someone said that to me while I was sick or after losing someone.

However, if you really believe it in your heart of hearts, then shouldn't it be comforting? Similar to 'they're in a better place now' -- it seems like if both people believe it's true, then it should be comforting to talk about.

nplusone• 15 years ago

Perhaps the most irritating aspect of the phrase "everything happens for a reason" is that it is a truism from a scientific point of view. Of course, everything happens for a reason. But the phrase is usually meant to imply that a higher power has a reason for causing events, and that there is a reason in a cosmic sense for events to happen, as if they were part of a larger plan designed specifically for you, the victim.

bad_user3• 15 years ago

The other variation would be that "God has a plan", which is ironic since, philosophically speaking if there is a God, it is impossible to know how He thinks or acts. Even answering if this statement is true or false would mean that we are Gods ourselves.

The correct version would be "God works in mysterious ways".

Also, "everything happens for a reason" is a truism in the sense that every action has a reaction, but otherwise if you replace "reason" with "purpose" it fails the falsifiability test.

hoprocker• 15 years ago

> Perhaps the most irritating aspect of the phrase "everything happens for a reason" > is that it is a truism from a scientific point of view

I see where you're going (and you're responding directly to the stated pointless platitude), but I'd inject here consideration about using "reason" vs using "cause"; more specifically, "reason" suggests to me something intended, whereas "cause" says that something happened that led to this happened, personal intents aside. </twocents>

matwood3• 15 years ago

It's classic human behavior to look for some cause of whatever is happening. Sometimes it's to transfer the blame (smoking your whole life and lung cancer is somehow not your fault) and other times it's simply looking for any explanation because we as humans want explanations (it's gods plan, everything happens for a reason, etc...).

jemfinch• 15 years ago

"Everything happens for a reason" is about teleology, not etiology. When people say so, they're implying a goal, not a cause.

dpcan2• 15 years ago

It depends on who is saying this to whom. Some who are sick will say this about themselves.

Also, you can adjust this saying to "Everything happens for a reason, right?" As to show you are equally as hopeful that there may be something greater at play.

But I agree mostly. Just coming up to someone who is very sick and saying this can be the WRONG thing to say.

felipemnoa• 15 years ago

Objectively speaking, this is true, there is a reason why something happened. Weak immune system, unhealthy life stile, genetic disease, wrong place at the wrong time, exposed to toxic chemicals/environment, aging, the body has to fail eventually and is just a matter of what goes first depending on many variables I mentioned above. However, to imply that it happened because it was destined to happen no matter what, I don't think so.

zatara• 15 years ago

"It is as it is" is a better way to say that there is no fucking reason...

The Zen/Tolle approach always sounded better to me, but can anyone really say or do anything that will make the sick one feel better for more than a couple of minutes?

nsfmc• 15 years ago

Back in april, The Awl published a list of don'ts[1] and then last week, some dos[2], many of which conveniently appeared in this nyt piece.

[1] http://www.theawl.com/2011/04/some-awesome-things-to-say-to-... [2]: http://www.theawl.com/2011/06/actually-awesome-things-to-say...

panacea• 15 years ago

Comparing the two, I'm inclined to go with coincidence.

andrewvc• 15 years ago

While definitely not cancer, I had severe acne back in high school (way, way more than most people). There was a never-ending series of half-baked miracle cures chucked my way by strangers.

In this age of the internet, anyone who has an illness is probably more of an expert on it than most doctors are (save their specialists).

dmix4• 15 years ago

I was diagnosed with an inflammatory bowel disease and everyone would constantly tell me all these foods and supplements that would cure my illness.

I had to constantly tell them there were numerous studies showing that diet had no effect on the illness. But they ignored that because "it cured they're friend".

seabee• 15 years ago

Anecdote is the trump card of the unsceptical. It's a good way of learning not to eat that poison berry, but it's much less useful in the modern world.

albedoa2• 15 years ago

The Wikipedia article on ulcerative colitis mentions diet as both a possible cause and treatment, which might add to their confusion. Maybe you could clean up and clarify that section with the studies you know about. Maybe distinguish treatments from cures.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Treatment_of_ulcerative_colitis...

orofino• 15 years ago

Much - not all - of this boils down to the simple rule of being real with someone. Don't flood them with niceties, if you want to be nice and have something you want to say... say it. If you have to THINK too hard about what you want to say, then perhaps you shouldn't say anything.

Honestly, I wish this would be applied in everyday conversation more often, it would give people practice. I loathe small talk and would rather say nothing than talk about the weather.

startupstella• 15 years ago

amen. what i like about this article so much is how real it is...the writing is raw, honest, and speaks to you

r00fus• 15 years ago

Agreed. "I wish I knew what to say" is perfectly appropriate when it's true ... it also lets the other person set the tone of the discussion.

megrimlock3• 15 years ago

Consider that small talk can simply be a token gesture of openness to someone, a chance to engage them and try to take the conversation to a more interesting place. Few people can't jump straight to deep topics all the time and the people who do can be annoying.

radioactive21• 15 years ago

Everyone is different. Take the advice just as things to think about.

I know people who have been through hardship and they actually tell people to hang around, to just talk, say anything. They prefer people say something to not saying anything at all.

niels_olson• 15 years ago

In your mind, please change "someone who is sick" to "someone who is sick or struggling"

dwynings• 15 years ago

I would definitely recommend people check out the author's memoir on his cancer diagnosis : http://www.amazon.com/Council-Dads-Daughters-Illness-ebook/d...

protomyth• 15 years ago

If your the trusted advisor-type of the family (brother / sister, best friend), make sure the business affairs are taken care of. Sometime the spouse is too far gone (male or female) or just not experienced enough to deal. It will help what comes next if the paperwork doesn't drift.

estacado• 15 years ago

If you have the time, offer the person taking care of the sick person to take over the taking care for a few hours or days.

I took care of my mother when she was sick and none of my 3 older brothers offered to take over the duty of caring for her. It was like my home was the hospital for 3 months and not even one of them offered to take care of her for one night. I developed this deep bitter feeling towards them during that time.

I understand if they have things to take care of but not even 1 night?! It still pisses me off thinking back. For all I care, all of her children have an equal responsibility to take care of her. It was like I had to put my life on hold so that they can continue living their lives like nothing's happening.

dpcan2• 15 years ago

You did the right thing and that's all that matters. There's no reason to hold this above their heads, because it will hover up there anyway without you ever having to say or do anything. If I were you, I'd just keep it to myself forever and let everyone know within themselves that I did the right thing because you can be pretty certain that they already know they didn't.

megrimlock3• 15 years ago

That sounds really frustrating. Have you asked them why they didn't offer, in a non-accusatory way that won't put them immediately on the defensive? They may feel guilty and too ashamed to speak of it now. I can imagine the last thing you want to do is go over this experience with them, but the fact remains that you all hold a shared experience with your mother and there's still the chance to connect with them over that, and honor her memory that way.

Sorry, I don't mean to be presumptuous; I just think this kind of thing is so rarely discussed until you're in the middle of it.

T_S_• 15 years ago

The API for humans never changes but the spec is never complete. That's why this kind of item is helpful.

dkarl• 15 years ago

I personally feel the same way the author does, but I suspect the people who love handing out platitudes and ditzy suggestions might thrive on receiving them, too. Do they suddenly get "real" and "grounded" just because they have a serious illness, or do they remain the same sappy and naive person they were before they got sick?

ahoyhere5• 15 years ago

Yes.

I came down with chronic fatigue syndrome / chronic mono after a second mono flareup in late 2009. It's not cancer, but it's nasty and it doesn't go away, and I have good days where I seem and feel normal, and bad days where I don't even have the brainpower to watch stupid TV. It blows.

To this list, I'd add: Be willing to be the one doing all the work necessary to keep the relationship alive when the other person is too weak and tired.

So many of my "friends" here in Vienna just disappeared when I got sick, because they weren't willing to put in the effort when I couldn't. There's nothing quite like being too sick to leave the apartment, and ALSO having nobody who cares enough to visit you.

I'm sure if I told them this, they'd be absolutely aghast at their own behavior and try to make amends -- they are not bad people or even bad friends -- but now, knowing what I know, I wonder if it would be worth it for me to say something.

Yet another big reason I'm moving back to the US.

Meai7• 15 years ago

I'm from Austria and I mention this solely because you felt the need to mention your location. Still please take this as an opinion of one guy alone (!):

Here is what I think: Friendships are always give+take. When you are sick, you expect them to give a lot. Did you really do so much for them while you were healthy? Because in my opinion only a sociopath wouldn't offer to help you if you had helped him greatly in the past. Or do you rather expect them to help you because it's just what they "should" do. And what exactly do you want them to do anyway? Just mindless visits? So you expect pity? Are you in a habit of forcing your friends through awkardness? Because I'd expect my friends to not expect me to visit them for elusive reasons like "emotional support". I would never expect a friend to visit me when I'm sick, because I know that I'll be another person. They are not friends with a guy who has pains, drools and is in agony. I wouldn't think of demanding friendship like you do.

lurker19• 15 years ago

Compassion is virtuous. Visiting the sick is one of the most value-creating activities a person can do. Someone who has never been sick without parents to care for him might not notice, but once one has the experience, one can appreciate it and pay the debt back (or forward).

hnhg2• 15 years ago

A sense of empathy with my friend's suffering would compel me to visit them. It's not part of a quid pro quo transaction.

scott_s• 15 years ago

If my friend is sick for a week, sure. If they're sick chronically, for months at a time, the game changes.

ahoyhere5• 15 years ago

"I'd expect my friends to not expect me to visit them for elusive reasons like "emotional support". I would never expect a friend to visit me when I'm sick, because I know that I'll be another person."

And that right there is exactly why Americans make such better friends than Austrians.

There is a huge cultural difference and I honestly am not surprised that the depression and suicide statistics are so much higher in Austria -- a rich land where a person's basic needs will always be assured -- than in the US.

agnoster• 15 years ago

Unless you said something like "I'd love to see you, but I don't have the energy to go out or make big plans", they might have thought the reason you weren't making plans with them was that you didn't want to see them.

An adage I really like is "never attribute to malice what can be equally well explained by stupidity". And then, never attribute to stupidity what can be equally well explained by miscommunication. They probably had no idea that what you needed was for people to put in that effort - they may have thought "well, she hasn't made plans with us, maybe she's bored with us?" They may have just not wanted to bother you.

I don't live in Austria, but I live in Germany, which I suppose has a similar property. Notice how in restaurants, the servers don't bother you unless you get their attention, while in America they're constantly hovering and asking "how is everything? everything fine?" I think Germans in general treat people's personal space as more sacrosanct, while Americans are very... attentive, maybe? The negative way would be to say Germans are aloof and Americans are nosey. Or maybe Germans are askers and Americans are guessers?

Either way, I think you're probably being too harsh on your Austrian friends. They'd probably have been more than happy to be the ones to make the effort - if they knew that's what you needed. And, not being telepathic and with a bit of a culture gap, that one small piece of effort to mention it sort of... ends up being something only you can do.

ahoyhere5• 15 years ago

That's possible, but I don't think it's true, based on the boring details of my situation.

And for the record, in my experience, Austrians are much less friendly than Germans -- or at least, Austrians who live in Vienna are much less friendly than Germans who live in Berlin. The friends I have in Berlin are quite different.

wuk• 15 years ago

My experience: The friends you make when you are young are those who stick around. People you friend later in your life have a shorter half-life.

"And that right there is exactly why Americans make such better friends than Austrians."

I'm very surprised to read such a generalization about "the Austrians" from you, Amy.

Killah9112• 15 years ago

I'm sorry but the writer comes off as being bitter. I'm pretty sure he doesn't come off in the same complaining tone when he speaks to people (or he wouldn't have as many people who'd care to bug him).

If people say or do awkward things, appreciate the fact that they made the effort at all. If they're sending you "miracle cure" suggestions, it's probably because they care enough to do so. These times are times in which you see how your life affects others. If there are a lot of people calling, checking in or being a little annoying, take solace in knowing your life has had an effect on all these people, who care enough to be kind/awkward. I'd much rather have that than not have it.

These Do's and Don'ts aren't for everyone, it may be for the writer, but it's presumptuous to think this really applies to all people.

Simply put, "Do" show up. Knowing that you're there when you could be elsewhere says a lot. Be a friend in times of need.

GiraffeNecktie• 15 years ago

The point of the article was not to admonish people for their counter-productive efforts, but to answer the question "What should and shouldn't you say to someone whose sick?".

To his list of things NOT to say I would add your sentence "If people say or do awkward things, appreciate the fact that they made the effort at all."

Well, no. I'm sick! Why should I "appreciate" your "efforts" if they do nothing but add to my misery and pain.

cstross• 15 years ago

In the past eight months my father's had bowel cancer (surgery worked: currently in remission) and my wife had uterine cancer (surgery worked: hopefully a complete cure). And the cat went blind.

Anyone saying "everything happens for a reason" to me would probably wind up with a black eye. (At the very least, they'd go on my personal do-not-call list.)

Which is to say: you shouldn't say things to immediate relatives that you shouldn't say to the patient, either.

dhimes• 15 years ago

Like you, I had three "issues" (deaths in my case) close in time. I get a lot of "Well, you know, things happen in threes." The last time someone said this to me (yesterday, in fact) I replied, "Yes, I know. When I count them, I start over every time I get to three. Things always happen in threes."

Went right over her head.

megrimlock3• 15 years ago

We all know things really happen in primes. It's numerology you can believe in.

StavrosK• 15 years ago

Black eyes happen for a reason, though.

FiddlerClamp3• 15 years ago

Please never ask, "Do you mind if I pray for you?" I can't tell you how offensive I find that, and how difficult I find to answer it without being offensive in return.

"I'll pray for you" is okay, I guess, but don't expect a thank-you.

eropple2• 15 years ago

Or you could take it in the spirit in which it is intended, instead of making it about your personal ideologies.

In plainer terms: you could choose not to be an asshole and take a kind word for what it is.

FiddlerClamp3• 15 years ago

I find it presumptuous.

Mz• 15 years ago

I wrestle with such things. I am not religious -- I actually have a fair amount of baggage about religion but I try not to be an asshole about it (and, no, I am not suggesting you are being one -- I just know how contemptuous I can be). I have known way too many religious folks who seemed to be doing their darnedest to give religion a bad name, but I don't think it is fair or nice to then assume that all religious folks are of that ilk. I prefer it when someone is trying to respect my boundaries and not cram their beliefs down my throat, so I think I would be inclined to view the question as an attempt to respect my boundaries, yet would not be entirely comfortable with it either because "agreeing" to have them pray for me makes me partly responsible for their action when I don't really believe in it.

I currently live in The Bible Belt and I find that saying "bless you" or something similar when turning down favors is the best way to get rid of someone. IE I try to speak their language, even though when I use the word "god" in regards to my own beliefs, I am just using it as short-hand for "whatever intelligence there is behind the workings of the universe". That happens to be a mouthful and problematic in most social settings, so I often settle for "god" as a means to facilitate communication. In most cases, they aren't going to talk to me enough to ever have any real idea of what I believe so I don't see any reason to get all hung up about it. Still, I continue to wrestle with how to respect someone's beliefs and their good intentions towards me when there is often a vast gulf between our beliefs.

I don't have a good answer, just similar discomfort.

dazonic• 15 years ago

Some great points here but just because this applied to this guy doesn't mean every point is a catch-all for sick people.

2. I SHOULD BE GOING NOW. You’ll never go wrong by uttering these five words while visiting someone who’s sick.

I spent 11 months in hospital after a spinal cord injury and every time, I hated when my mates were about to leave. Having visitors can be the only form of escapism.

Also, "You look great". Maybe you do? I get this a lot. People say it behind my back too, i.e. "Hey I saw him the other day he's looking great", which feels awesome because in my mind I look like shit.

ja27• 15 years ago

My favorite thing to say to someone who is sick is anything unrelated to their illness. It's the same when a friend loses their parent or anyone close to them. Once I get past the obligatory "let me know if I can do anything" I want to be the friend they can talk about football, food, TV shows, whatever with. They have plenty of people to talk to about their illness or loss. They don't have many people that will let them leave that behind for an hour or two and think about something different.

johnx123• 15 years ago

Can't agree everything. Every patient is different, some wants to be discussed about their health and some wants a break from his preoccupied mind about health.

perlgeek• 15 years ago

If you can (and have a close relation to the sick person), offer frequent but short visits.

Hospital and recovery at home are boring, but long visits are often exhausting.

What to Say To Someone Who is Sick

Related Stories