People who don't ask me questions drive me crazy. Why are they like that?

https://www.theguardian.com/wellness/2025/may/01/why-dont-people-ask-questions-in-conversation

by creer • 1 year ago

42 57 1 year ago

An interesting article though the sticky full page ads had me working to try to get back control of page position.

JohnFen2• 1 year ago

I tend to be a "non-asker", because that's how I was raised: that outside of certain circumstances or sorts of relationships, it's very rude to ask questions that aren't superficial. It's prying. If people want to share deeper information about themselves, they'll volunteer it.

Not saying that it's right, but it's a strongly instilled social more and, at least for me, explains "why I'm like that".

cratermoon• 1 year ago

I was brought up similarly in the "nunya bizness" mode. It took me a long time to overcome the idea I was being nosy and learn to ask the kinds of questions that aren't superficial and people like to answer to talk about themselves.

CoastalCoder• 1 year ago

Maybe the issue is that we these various forms of smalltalk are all disingenuous. Or rather, they're idioms that don't directly say what you really mean. E.g.:

"I'm looking for friends, and you seem like we might get along."

"I find you attractive and I'd like to see if you feel the same way about me."

"I'm lonely, and I'm looking to interact with someone for a bit to ease the pain."

Etc.

Reminds me of the lyrics from that Louis Armstrong song, "What a Wonderful World".

baobun• 1 year ago

I share this perspective. If I am actually curious about your experience with X, I might start by telling you mine. That gives you a natural way to follow up with yours and also gives you my context. It also makes it less awkward for you to change the subject without having to explicitly deny answering a question (or play politician by dodgning it).

Most people seem to agree this is preferred with the basics:

"Hi, I'm baobun, great to meet you!" vs "Hi, what's your name?"

I on the other hand don't get the expectation that conversation should be structured like a Q&A or interview. But sure, if I notice my conversation-partner is "an inrerviewer" I try to calibrate accordingly.

Remember OP is a anglosaxan reporter and seems unaware of that cultural bias. Flipping the opening:

‘Over-askers’ can come across as selfish – but there might be personal and societal reasons for their inability to share first

It's a "me" problem exactly as much as it's a "you" problem. Communication is a two-way street on all levels.

Leaving space is important no matter what and a 20 minute breathless monologue without giving openings is rude regardless of its ending in a question-mark.

magicalhippo3• 1 year ago

it's very rude to ask questions that aren't superficial

What do you count as superficial?

I'm nervous around new people and I don't like awkward silences. I'm also curious so I tend to ask a lot.

I usually ask about their job or things they like to do. I always find something I'm genuinely curious about in relation to what they say, and so I ask about that.

I'll leave some room for them to drive the conversation, but if the awkward silence creeps back in I ask some more.

So am I asking superficial questions when it comes to details about forest management, running a book store or getting a single-engine pilots license that I'm genuinely curious about?

I feel like there's some levels between chitchat about the weather and deep personal issues.

JohnFen2• 1 year ago

What do you count as superficial?

I mean things that aren't personal information they aren't already publicly talking about.

I usually ask about their job or things they like to do.

While I personally think that asking what a person does for a living is too intrusive, it's a culturally acceptable question so it gets a pass. "What do you do for fun?" is a reasonably innocuous question, in my opinion.

So am I asking superficial questions when it comes to details about forest management, running a book store or getting a single-engine pilots license that I'm genuinely curious about?

Yes, in this context, because those aren't questions asking the person to divulge personal information.

crazygringo6• 1 year ago

Exactly this. Driving a conversation by constantly asking questions can feel rude, like it's an interrogation. I much prefer to let a conversation have some room for silence, and then the other person can bring up whatever's naturally on their mind -- which is usually going to be more interesting and more important than whatever random topic I might have asked about.

By not asking questions, you're showing politeness by letting the other person talk about what's on their mind, without predetermining the topic. And similarly, they can give you the space to talk about what's on your mind. Nobody's trying to guess what to ask about. They're just giving space for the other to bring up whatever's going on, at the depth they feel comfortable about.

weinzierl2• 1 year ago

That said, asking questions is not inherently virtuous. Sometimes people are just hammering away, and I feel like they are trying to trip me up, or measuring me against their standards.

And later.

“When people are under too much pressure or stress, their defenses go up, and this makes curiosity a challenge,” she said. “Anxiety can easily look like egocentrism.”

Asking questions is a minefield. I am sure there are people who lack curiosity, but I am also sure there are many people that think: " Why go into that minefield on my own initiative when my conversation partner is happy to lead me through?"

creer8• 1 year ago

when my conversation partner is happy to lead me through?

This is really easy to misjudge though. If we care about having a conversation, we need to pitch in too. At the peril of it NOT being a conversation. Even if we are happy with the direction, we can try and provide hints that we are not just "this". One idea is to occasionally prompt for an echo about this direction, like "what part of all this is interesting to you?" or "what else does this echo for you?". The phrasing doesn't matter much, just an opportunity for that person to inject a little of themselves in there.

weinzierl2• 1 year ago

I fully agree. My point was more that I believe this is hard, or at least hard for some people.

mtVessel• 1 year ago

"Wanda, do you have any idea what it's like being English? Being so correct all the time, being so stifled by this dread of, of doing the wrong thing, of saying to someone 'Are you married?' and hearing 'My wife left me this morning,' or saying, uh, 'Do you have children?' and being told they all burned to death on Wednesday."

-A Fish Called Wanda

1659447091• 1 year ago

After she’d been talking for about 20 minutes, I began to get an unpleasant, familiar feeling: I bet if I stop asking her questions, she won’t ask me any.
Sure enough, she wrapped up one answer, then looked at me expectantly, like a dog waiting for a treat. Oh hell no, I thought. No way. I turned to the person next to me, a friend. “She’s a non-asker,” I said.

I use to wait for other people to talk to me. I didn't feel like I knew how to do the social conversation thing, especially because of my dislike of generic small talk.

At some point I made it a point to "practice" this skill, the same as I would practice a sport, messing up terribly at times, but others executing as planned. Thus, I have some grace for people that know how to talk when asked, but lack the thought to ask back. Maybe they only want to talk about themselves, maybe talking to new people makes them nervous or self conscious or whatever it was I felt most of the time. Who knows. Being the one asking the questions puts that person in charge of the flow and direction. You can steer it back or away or around.

I will give it a bit and try to probe for common interest or something that I can talk about as well. If that can be found, then the ones that are simply "bad" (or more likely, un-practiced) at social situations will flow into a give & take conversation if you can find the route to a mutual topic first, hopefully by picking up on small details from their introduction story (the simplest more nature flow, without having to do a hard pivot to the environment context). Think of it as a choose your own adventure book, with you in the driver's seat. For the ones that just want to talk about themselves, that adventure will swiftly end on its own.

creer8• 1 year ago

An aspect of this is "why are we here?". This conversation needs to be useful for that. Doesn't need and shouldn't be "rudely useful", but still, let's try and make some progress. This is true even if your purpose is to pass the time pleasantly by chatting with your neighbor until your airplane boards. If you are merely humoring that person, then okay you have no interest and there is no point.

This is something that bothers me with "safe" ways to conversation. So safe as to be pointless. And same for "endless answers" and "derailing the conversation" - which might be fun material perhaps in some nerdy way, but might as well kill a conversation.

Striking a conversation is a skill, so is keeping it on track.

pacifika• 1 year ago

Another way of seeing this: Weird way of blaming the victim that suffers from social awkwardness!

otterley2• 1 year ago

I'm not sure there's blame here. If you're socially awkward and feel uncomfortable asking questions, you can either push your own boundaries past your comfort zone, or you can avoid social situations like these.

Similarly, few would blame a vegetarian for not wanting to go to a barbecue joint.

allenu3• 1 year ago

I have a couple of friends who I would call non-askers. It drives me crazy and makes me not enjoy spending time with them. When I do hang out with them, I'll ask them what's new and they'll gladly tell me in great detail all the life issues they're facing and what they've been doing lately, but they never reciprocate. As in the article, if I stop asking questions, the conversation just hits a lull and they don't think to return the favor.

On the other hand, the really great askers make you feel like the most important person in the room. You'll answer their questions and they'll ask really good follow-up questions to show they're listening and that they care.

loa_in_2• 1 year ago

My therapist told me it's not my place to manage others' emotions. I'm usually not out there to make anyone feel like they're the most important person in the world.

allenu3• 1 year ago

I just wanted to highlight the vast difference between conversationalists who are terrible askers and those who are really, really good. I definitely don't have the personality to be the greatest asker at all times, but it's good to see what a difference it can make on conversation and relationships to work on asking more questions.

crazygringo6• 1 year ago

Why do you wait for them to ask you? Why don't you just talk about the life issues you're facing in great detail? Why don't you interpret the lull in conversation as, now it's your turn to contribute?

It's not about not returning a favor. It's just two styles: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=43864532

allenu3• 1 year ago

Oh, I have tried that strategy and it's usually met with lack of interest, which to me is a sign maybe I don't have much in common with them anymore.

I can recall one conversation where I was doing a lot of asking in a phone conversation with a friend and he was talking for maybe an hour about what was new in his life and there was a natural break and I realized I didn't really talk too much about myself and so I did, and the conversation just died. He didn't ask more questions or show a lot of interest in what I was saying. I don't think it's always different communication styles.

To me, a good conversation, and not one where you're just exchanging information for some utilitarian purpose, is a back and forth where you share stories, ask for details, show interest, and really connect. It's not just a "I'll talk for a bit and when I'm done, you talk for a bit". I've been in those types of conversations too and often I afterwards feel like I didn't really connect with another person. I just used them to share something I found interesting and they did the same to me. I didn't really gain insight into who they are.

Of course not every conversation has to be a deep connection, but in the context of dating (as in at the start of the article), that's got to be your primary goal.

magicalhippo3• 1 year ago

My sister is an extrovert and has about a small village worth of friends. She used to hold parties before she had kids, and would invite me.

I'm an introvert so would dread these, but always ended up enjoy going when I did.

One day she called me the day after such a party to say it was nice of me to come, as she would, but added "everyone always enjoys it when you're there, you're so good at making people feel seen".

I got really taken aback by that. I hadn't thought about that at all, I was just coping with my social anxiety by asking people questions.

Years later I was at a family function, and a relative had a new girlfriend from the US. I noticed not many talked to her except her boyfriend, so I sat down and started to ask some questions. We ended up talking for several hours until everyone else had left.

At the end when it was time to go to bed, she suddenly started crying. We asked what was wrong but she just said "you have no idea how good it was to just talk to someone".

She'd been in the country for a couple of weeks at that point without really having anyone else but her boyfriend have a conversation with her, despite meeting his family and such many times.

That also moved me. While I had noticed she was a bit alone that evening, I hadn't considered how much it could mean to her. I was just thinking she would be interesting to talk to being from another country, and figured she might be a bit bored so hopefully I could alleviate that.

Again, I don't feel like I'm doing anything special. I'm curious so I like discovering new stuff. I try to find what people are passionate about, as that's almost always something I don't know a lot about and so I can discover a lot of exciting new stuff. And doing that helps me overcome my social anxiety.

However, I do try to listen to people and I try to respond thoughtfully. How else can I have a meaningful conversation?

btheconqueror• 1 year ago

And to go with that, if you ever want people to like you, just ask questions about themselves. People have a tendency to like talking about themselves.

otterley2• 1 year ago

It's one of the central theses of Dale Carnegie's classic, How to Win Friends and Influence People.

precommunicator• 1 year ago

Asking questions is something I've actively had to learn later in life.

rorylaitila• 1 year ago

I'm universally the asker. I can hang out with a non-asker for about an hour, then I run out of things to ask about. But its not just a problem of reciprocity. It's more generally they don't elaborate or carry forward the conversation in any way, so it feels very laborious. I notice that two friends I feel closest too and never tire of hanging out reciprocate very evenly in conversation.

Ekaros• 1 year ago

Silence is always an option. If you kept your mouth shut, maybe people would think you are intelligent.

alganet• 1 year ago

It's called "tolerating the intolerant". I will listen and acknowledge, but I won't engage in the intolerant play.

It's a macho thing. Big wall of isolation. We're tiny silly little men with our toys and dumb ideas.

472828475• 1 year ago

You could equally well turn the question around: why are they driving you crazy? They’re just socialized differently. You cannot change other people, you can only change yourself. Meaning, if it bothers you, why not develop strategies that work to have meaningful interactions with both “askers“ and “non-askers“. It’s on you to grow, if you want to, as much as it is on the other to grow, if they want to.

It’s not them that “drive you crazy“, it’s you yourself driving you crazy because you lack a strategy outside of assigning responsibility to the other to change. They don’t do it to personally offend you.

If somebody doesn’t ask, it doesn’t mean they’re not interested in you. If somebody doesn’t share without being asked, it doesn’t mean they’re not up for sharing. It’s really that simple.

tene80i2• 1 year ago

Well, kinda. But these aren’t exactly symmetrical things. One of them displays an interest in the other person, and the other doesn’t. One of them provides a way for the conversation to continue, and the other doesn’t. It’s not the case that every form of interaction is equally fine, eg talking over someone constantly or not listening at all.

472828475• 1 year ago

You _think_ them asking questions is a way to show interest. Their way to express interest may be different and non-verbal. A lot of people ask questions but are not actually interested and only pretend to listen.

You confuse your interpretation with their own intention. Only they can know their intention.

There is no obvious “signal“ with agreed-upon meaning across different cultural backgrounds. I know people that grew up in environments where interrupting displays interest, and not interrupting is considered rude and signals disinterest.

It is useful to make assumptions. But it’s important to discriminate between assumptions and facts.

creer8• 1 year ago

If somebody doesn’t share without being asked, it doesn’t mean they’re not up for sharing.

Isn't the issue a little different? That it makes it look like that they have no interest in you? If the "conversation" is a journalistic or learning stream of questions then fine. But if the conversation is more social (from friendship, getting to know a little about each other, all the way to gauging hiring interest), then "no interest" is a strong signal to move on. There are other ways to express interest than asking back, but "not expressing interest" is an obstacle.

Agree with you that "drive you crazy" is yet another issue. For most this would be just a figure of speech.

472828475• 1 year ago

It is up to you to interpret it as a “signal to move on“ or not. You may be right, but you may also be totally wrong with your interpretation. It’s not a definitive signal nor means they are not “expressing interest“. You may simply not see their way of expressing interest.

loa_in_2• 1 year ago

I never have seen the idea put into words so well. Kudos.

nickdothutton• 1 year ago

Maybe I have no interest in knowing anything deeper about you than what you have to contribute on the subject matter in hand.

squigz• 1 year ago

I turned to the person next to me, a friend. “She’s a non-asker,” I said. “I’m done.”

Maybe the problem isn't the "non-askers"

I'd like to think I'm a good conversationalist, but I would hate to hold a conversation with someone like this.

owenversteeg• 1 year ago

Interesting that there are 25 comments here and none mentioning narcissism.

Our modern world was already in an epidemic of narcissism before social media and since then things have only accelerated. Like the author, I have also noticed that it is somewhat more common with men talking to women and I wonder why.

I see a number of people here saying that they are non-askers or that being a non-asker is a good thing and I think many of them aren't quite understanding the author's definition of non-asker. To me, if we have a conversation and I ask you two things and the conversation devolves into a random subject, that is totally fine. On the other hand, if I'm having a conversation and it's a "questions" conversation - getting to know you, catching up about our kids, discussing our startups etc - and you don't ask a single question then that is very weird. Picture this: we're both parents, my Timmy and your Jones were friends before we moved away. For an hour I've asked questions and heard all about your Jones but you didn't ask a thing about my Timmy. Or: we're students working on our internships, catching up, I've asked all about your internship and how it's going and you just don't care about mine. Or: we're strangers flirting in a bar and I've asked all about you but you haven't asked a thing about me. In all those circumstances I am going to get the (almost always correct!) feeling that you don't care about me. If we're just talking about sports, or politics, or hiking or whatever then there is no need to ask personal questions, but if it's a context where the whole point is personal questions, and a question is reasonably expected, then it's pretty weird if it never comes.

creer8• 1 year ago

Calling out narcissism is a good point. I feel though that this is ascribing a reason or motive to the person. Which maybe we need, maybe we don't. There is how it makes you feel "feeling that you don't care about me" and that's sufficient to look elsewhere if we don't have the energy in us to give it a little more effort.

Where it might help if we could tell the one from the other, is perhaps there are better ways to prod for input into the conversation that would fit better the narcissists or the "overly polite non-askers".

NeutralCrane• 1 year ago

What the author is missing is that just because someone isn’t curious about you doesn’t mean they aren’t curious about anything.

joshstrange• 1 year ago

I went to an event where I only really knew 1 other person. We sat at a table full of people we had never met. At least one of the couples talked at length anytime we asked them a question. We even made small comments that would have been perfect opportunities to follow up like "My daughter's bakery had a problem just like that", was there any follow up about "what bakery?" or even an acknowledgement of the comment? Nope, right back into their stories.

I can tell you all about duck eggs, things to put in a food dehydrator, how this woman makes great gluten free treats, except when they don't turn out right, but that's just how baking is... I could go on.

We left the event and the first thing we said to each other was "Wow, I can't believe they didn't ask us a single question".

It's selfish. Period. Just like people that are always late to things, no, it's not a fun personality quirk, it's just rude.

crazygringo6• 1 year ago

You might want to ask yourself, why didn't you tell stories too? Why did you need to be asked? Why couldn't you take the initiative in sharing about yourselves? Why didn't you interpret the others' behavior as politely not wanting to put you on the spot, where you'd have to answer a question maybe you wouldn't want to?

It's not selfish or rude. It's just a different style: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=43864532

creer8• 1 year ago

Why did anyone there keep asking them questions? There were others at the table. There might have been two problems at that table. But sure, lack of awareness can waste everybody's time.

CapOneCustomer• 1 year ago

First thing I thought of is this: ‘First Date Going Really Well,’ Thinks Man Who Hasn't Stopped Talking Yet https://theonion.com/first-date-going-really-well-thinks-man...

Has the author never heard of introverts?

crazygringo6• 1 year ago

People exist on a continuum between two extremes.

On the one extreme you have people who think it's rude to just talk out of nowhere, it's polite to ask questions, and good conversation always starts with a question, and people make sure to frequently alternate asking the next question that changes the topic.

On the other extreme you have people who think it's rude and invasive to just ask questions out of nowhere, it's polite to give space for the other person to talk about whatever they want when they feel ready to, good conversation always starts with someone making an observation about what's on their mind, and follow-up questions are always a thing, but changing the topic is naturally done by the other person then talking about what's on their mind.

Neither is right. Neither is wrong. Most people exist closer to the middle and can adapt easily to either style. They're happy to ask questions if someone doesn't seem to talk otherwise, and they're happy to talk unprompted if the other person doesn't seem to ask them questions.

But if you're at one of the extremes, it can take work to realize that the other person isn't being rude.

If you think someone is "hogging the conversation" and never asking you questions, just talk anyways, even if it seems uncomfortable at first. It's literally what they've been waiting for, and they've probably been wondering why you're not talking and why they have to keep filling the silence since you aren't contributing interesting things to the conversation about yourself.

On the other hand, if someone just doesn't seem to be talking, try asking questions, even if it seems uncomfortable at first. It's literally what they've been waiting for, and they've probably been wondering why you're not asking things and why they have to keep asking you questions to fill the silence since you aren't contributing interesting questions.

But again -- there's no right and no wrong. I'm deeply disappointed with the article as presenting one style as superior to the other.

creer8• 1 year ago

The article is what it is. What we are here for is what we can make of it. And your answer is useful there.

"Different strategies for filling the silence": asking or talking. (not quite what you describe) makes sense. One of my problems in there is how to gauge whether there is interest at all. I mean if they walk away, then we know, sure. But I also don't need to spend time in this "conversation" if there was no interest and the other person is merely being polite or narcisstic in answering my questions forever. Nowadays I do feel somewhat ready sometimes to prod outright, something like "what's your interest in this" - but it's not exactly subtle.

pfannkuchen• 1 year ago

I have a related problem, which is that I feel like I basically interview people, where I’ll ask follow up questions and so on readily.

But sometimes someone will ask me something high level, like where do you work, and I’ll answer literally, and I sort of expect them to ask a follow up question like I would but they don’t.

It feels like they are expecting me to talk about it at length if I want to, and that my brief answer indicates that I don’t want to talk about it.

Does anyone relate to this problem?

JSR_FDED• 1 year ago

Yes, not following up after a single question makes it even worse. It signals either “I found your answer uninteresting and couldn’t be bothered to follow up “, or “that first question was perfunctory and I never really considered talking about anything other than myself”.

When last did this happen to you?

crazygringo6• 1 year ago

After she’d been talking for about 20 minutes, I began to get an unpleasant, familiar feeling: I bet if I stop asking her questions, she won’t ask me any. Sure enough, she wrapped up one answer, then looked at me expectantly, like a dog waiting for a treat. Oh hell no, I thought. No way. I turned to the person next to me, a friend. “She’s a non-asker,” I said. “I’m done.”

I'm shocked at how horribly the author may have misinterpreted the situation.

When the person looked at her expectantly... they weren't waiting for a treat, for goodness sakes. They were waiting for the author to do the talking for the next 20 minutes. That expectant look is -- I've been doing all the talking, now it's your turn please!

The author doesn't seem to understand the very basic ideas of how non-askers engage in conversation.: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=43864532

purple-leafy• 1 year ago

People that don’t ask questions, don’t show any curiosity at all, don’t reciprocate, and don’t contribute to conversation other than talking at length about themselves - are not worth a second of your day.

I’m sorry but if all you can do is talk about yourself and not have a conversation, you are not worth my time.

If you think it’s okay to let the other person lead the entire conversation maybe you need to learn some social skills

People who don't ask me questions drive me crazy. Why are they like that?

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