On writing (or not)

https://bessstillman.substack.com/p/on-writing-or-not

by jseliger • 3 years ago

56 26 3 years ago

bessstillman.substack.com

The writing style of this article makes me think about the periods when a lot of impulses are happening erratically on in my mind, and I can't seem to get the thoughts to align. My guess is that she wrote this with a similar state of mind, more so since her husband is severely ill. I wonder if other HN'ers recognize it in a similar way.

kiawe_fire2• 3 years ago

I certainly did. In fact, the opening paragraphs of this piece immediately brought me back to my own state of mind when my Mom was diagnosed with cancer.

There was at least a year long period in which my thoughts darted and weaved wildly, with every mix of emotion, all at once.

“I need to finish this bug fix. But first I should get some coffee. That coffee in the hospital was so warm and comforting, in that styrofoam cup. Just what I needed in the waiting room… which is when the doctor told me her prognosis.

“Six months, he said. F*k. How can I do this? I need lots of coffee. But coffee is reminding me of bad things. How will I ever drink coffee again? Would be a shame to never drink coffee, though… it’s a big industry after all. Wonder what it looks Like to pick coffee beans? Bet it would be nice to just be picking coffee beans without any other care. But I have my own job to do… that bug fix. I’ll do that instead.”

Random thoughts of work, grief, jokes, and childlike daydreaming, all running together. All day. Every day.

The author of this captured this feeling insanely well, whether that was intended or not.

I can also relate in the sense that, that period of my life was perhaps one of the more intense periods of self improvement and introspection I’ve had.

Something about having so many thoughts, and needing to channel them to something positive to overcome the blatant and glaring negative, led to growth as a software developer, in some cruel way.

That aside, the rest of the piece is timely and relevant for me now.

I feel like there’s so much I can relate to regarding “resistance” and self doubt. Of casting aside bad criticisms from incapable critics as the author described from her MFA experience.

My heart is with the author through all of this. I hope to follow more of her work.

BigHatLogan6• 3 years ago

Can you share how you got through this period and found alignment? I’m going through something similar to what you’ve described. Not the hospital situation—I’m sorry to hear about your mom—but more so the thoughts darting rapidly on their own. I can’t seem to get ahold of them either, and I notice it getting worse. Lots of intrusive thoughts, lots of “open cycles” that cause me mental strain, lots of down cycles too. If you could share, I’m curious how you channeled it into something positive and grew* as a result.

BigHatLogan6• 3 years ago

Wow, what a perfect description—“impulses happening erratically in my mind.” I’ve been trying to…get to the root of this in my own life lately. I also find myself writing feverishly during these states. I call them “soft manic” states, soft because I know that mania is a real thing, and so I don’t want to co-opt that term completely.

I had one this past weekend actually. I ended up writing about 15-20,000 words, but most of it doesn’t make any sense. I mean the sentences and paragraphs do, but there’s no coherence to any of it. “Impulses on the mind”, like you said. They’re really affecting my day to day life. I’ll have a period where I feel content and motivated—about my job, for example—and then I’ll have a sharp drop off where, sometimes for days, I’ll find myself in one of these down cycles.

In fact I’m unsure if anything I’ve even said makes sense. How have you dealt with these mental impulse?

balb0a• 3 years ago

I recently came across internal family system model. I am testing it currently and it has huge promise. Very good book on topic from inventor Richard C. Schwartz: Internal Family Systems Therapy.

Also this is a nice podcast with therapy demonstration at the end: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f80xs3MN9mY

Hope it helps with making sense.

noman-land• 3 years ago

This may sound trite but have you tried mindfulness meditation? I'm far from an expert but my understanding is that instead of fighting or avoiding all the chaos in your mind, you sit quietly still and let the thoughts wash over you and just listen to them without judgement or opinions. Just observe what is happening.

If you get locked into a particular thought or topic, first notice it, then let it go.

It's extremely difficult to do but over time this practice of noticing builds a mental muscle and helps you focus your thoughts towards what you want when you want.

nuancebydefault4• 3 years ago

For me these impulses are mostly like uncontrolled pop ups of a kind of creativity. Somehow those appear addictive, my theory is, that is why they come in large bursts, unintentionally I persuade parts of my brain to produce new ideas. But too much is too much, causing overload and chaos.

I think it helps to make lists of things and ideas. Then

(1)prioritize. This will already generate more order and again some sense of control.

(2) just scratch out a lot of them, you do not need to follow all those paths. 10 or so can remain.

(3) only act upon the top prorities and just rely on the fact that you wrote down the gists of your other non scratched ideas, so you don't have to keep them all in mind.

(4) Some things of the list, you will find them outdated or silly after a while, so those become easy to scratch and let them go out of your mind as well.

(5)well done, you will find your ideas and way of working is a lot more organised!

locuscoeruleus• 3 years ago

The writing style of this article makes me think about the periods when a lot of impulses are happening erratically on in my mind, and I can't seem to get the thoughts to align.

What has characterized those periods of time? What changed? I don't think I've ever not felt like this.

nuancebydefault4• 3 years ago

I hope you are kidding, since so much chaos all the time must be exhausting.

6stringmerc• 3 years ago

After bombing Calculus II twice I had to abandon Computer Science but found my real passion and talent in English - let’s be honest, it’s harder than any code to execute dynamically. It doesn’t borrow grammar, it throws a rave and picks up the pieces afterwards. Anyway, over to a first-class English literature and creative writing (poetry, short fiction) taught by mostly Ivy League scholars active in the field.

My point?

“If you practice speaking with the attention to language and punctuation you would when writing, not only will you impress people and communicate well, but when you write it will be familiar.”

- paraphrased from a certain Romantic Period Poetry Professor with a Penchant for Bow Ties

He had fantastic insights. Especially with respect to drama and comedy. If the voice in your head isn’t helpful, maybe train it better? Worked for me and still does in a diverse manner of endeavors.

chinabot2• 3 years ago

Writing is fun. Everyone has a story or two inside them and I encourage people to try it and just ignore the many people who will try to tell you how to do it.

Whether you have ten thousand words or a million inside you go for it and either upload it as a free eBook if you think its good enough to one of the many sites or just leave it for your kids or grandkids to find and have something nice to pass on through history.

Never start writing thinking about the money side, there are thousands of books out there which have never sold one book, you may get lucky, but without investing the same amount of time in marketing you will never get anyone to even open it, so do it but do it for fun.

My first novel was fun to write, I released it on Kindle and never told anyone, for the first three months I was so happy just to see it there, just like a proper book, even though I bought the only copy. I am now half a million words into my second novel and still loving it.

I may have not made a penny from sales but I have a much broader vocabulary and have saved at least two hundred dollars by not having as much time to read anymore.

_aaed• 3 years ago

You said to ignore people who will tell you how to write and then you told us how to write

chinabot2• 3 years ago

I did, ignore me :-)

Tao3300• 3 years ago

Ok, everyone but this square.

ericls• 3 years ago

Writing is memory dump for me. I do it to free memory

flandry93• 3 years ago

Jake sounds like a completely loving, thoughtful, compassionate human being.

It seems a bit ironic that the author spends a lot of the time lamenting her loss of his support for her creative process. Seems to me that given his (soon) impending loss of any capability to express anything at all, that the focus should be on whatever his wishes are -- whatever he wants to express or do in the short time he has left. Ie, his writing, his time, etc, and not hers.

Far too often, people do actually neglect the fact of the precious and irreplaceable opportunities they have among them -- such as rare and beautiful souls such as Jake. Very easy to take for granted the gifts we are given -- the people that provide. It sounds like she did so for 15 years, and of course, now that it is nearly lost, it is easy for her, now, to notice the notice the loss, and yet still call it her loss, rather than his.

How is it that even his dying, it is somehow still about her, and not about him, his wishes, creativity, wants, needs, desires, in his last days? Somehow, this is getting overlooked.

coldtea• 3 years ago

How is it that even his dying, it is somehow still about her, and not about him, his wishes, creativity, wants, needs, desires, in his last days? Somehow, this is getting overlooked.

I went and read the two parts and you're absolutely right. They speak of Jake as if he is an appliance, and his cancer as an incovenience to him being a personal proofchecker. Total lack of empathy.

And the writing, even at a time like this in their life, is totally vacuous collection of petty concerns (technically it's also repeative and lifeless, but that's the least of its problems given the lack of any substance and emotional core for what is not a technical post). If that's representative, maybe don't write at all. If you can't be moved by a parter dying, or can't express it while still writing about it and complaining about them not being able to do their usual support role, maybe writing shouldn't be the focus, becoming a better person should be a more urgent task (and by that I mean not self-work, but focusing on the other who runs on borrowed time).

svnt• 3 years ago

She is clearly in a crisis where she is facing losing a lot of external stability.

I think the Venn diagram of people who “must write” despite having no idea what they are writing and the people who have issues with ego over-expression is pretty close to circular.

I am somewhere between “is editing your writing how Jake wants to spend his last days?” and “this might be the only way she feels like she can still connect with her partner.”

squigz• 3 years ago

That's a lot of words from someone who clearly has very little perspective on their relationship.

totetsu• 3 years ago

I found this essay from the same blog submitted here last week, also very good, https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=37422401

On writing (or not)

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