Ask HN: Advice on getting over romantic rejection? It's killing my startup

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=2173615

by dufusheart • 15 years ago

16 32 15 years ago

news.ycombinator.com

Any hackers tips on getting over romantic rejection?

I got pwned hard by a woman last year and the stuff she said about me stung very badly and continues to do so. It's been months since she told me to buzz off and I still have a hard time not fixating on the flaws she saw in me. It's killing my productivity at work. Not sure what to do. I can't stop picking at the scabs.

neckbeard• 15 years ago

It is better to have pwned and lost than to have never pwned at all.

dufusheart8• 15 years ago

This is true. And I understand that if you suck at something, the only way to get better is to confront the fact that you suck at it and work on it.

I guess it's just hard to process that there's someone out there who knows a ton about me and based on that, wants nothing to do with me. I feel like my startup could get a buyout offer tomorrow and that fact would still be ringing in my ears.

Swannie• 15 years ago

I hear you. I'm sorry for your loss. Clearly she was important to you.

Try and "re-frame" it. You now know a lot about her, and she doesn't sound right for you. Get to a place where you can fully agree with yourself that you're better off without her. It's hard though.

Also keep in mind is that often these flaws are projections. Either of her own flaws, those of past significant others, her parents, etc. She might be right. But she might be wrong. As other posters have said, what is a flaw to her, may be an odd habit that your next partner will grin at.

Personally, I found the best way to get over things was female company. My female friends were much better at making me feel good about myself. My male engineering friends were good at keeping me distracted, but weren't equipped to talk about what happened.

And one reason why I don't like seeing my most significant ex: I am reminded of her good qualities when I see her, and forget the bad. I wonder if it was the right decision all over again, and that's very uncomfortable. She probably doesn't want to see you because she doesn't want to face the dilemma: did she make the right decision? This particular ex admitted to me last year that she still thinks about me 2 years later.

And dufusheart, if these are flaws, the best time to work on them is in your next relationship. You'll be older and wiser, be able to judge more accurately, but most importantly, talk about them with your new partner. It's uncomfortable, but worthwhile!

bdclimber14• 15 years ago

Usually I leverage the insults to fuel my productivity in order to prove the woman wrong.

I guess it also depends on the type of rejection though.

mbenjaminsmith2• 15 years ago

I've been through it twice. Just ignore everything she said. You'll meet someone soon enough that will see positive where this last girl saw negative.

Sounds like she's on a power trip that most likely is fueled by her own unhappiness / insecurities. Save for a few historical figues, I don't think most people could be considered objectively bad.

weichi2• 15 years ago

Just ignore everything she said.

Sure, but it's not something that everyone can just switch on. if thte OP were that kind of person, he probably wouldn't have posted. So I think this advice is poor for this case.

You'll meet someone soon enough that will see positive where this last girl saw negative.

This, on the other hand, is 100% true. But very hard to believe when you are in the OP's mood.

mbenjaminsmith2• 15 years ago

What I'm trying to say there is it's ok to ignore what she said, not that he should magically forget about her in an instant.

I get the impression that he takes her criticisms seriously. She doesn't like certain things about him and he sees those as absolute faults. I doubt he is so flawed (at least compared to everyone else) and I don't think he should look at it that way.

weichi2• 15 years ago

One classic bit of advice for getting over a breakup is to do something ... don't just sit around moping, find some activity to take on. A sport, taking a class (cooking, language, art, music, etc), volunteering, whatever. Ideally there will be women involved in the activity too ;-).

So my advice would be to dial back a little bit on the startup, and find some new non-work activity to take on.

phlux• 15 years ago

Lawyer up, hit the gym.

Seriously - get out and run/climb/bike HARD.

The exercise will clear your mind and will change your esteem.

bartonfink• 15 years ago

Lawyer up? Not familar with that phrase...

khafra2• 15 years ago

Denizens of advice-dispensing subreddits noticed that suggestions frequently fell into three categories: (1) Lawyer up, (2) Hit the gym, and (3) delete facebook. This became an in-joke.

Mz2• 15 years ago

You need something that runs deeper in your life than she did. That isn't necessarily a new woman, though it can be. Then it really won't much matter anymore what she said.

Let me recommend the movie "Beyond Rangoon" as a place to start building a mental model of what I mean. Bite off more than you can chew and all that.

dufusheart8• 15 years ago

I like that way of looking at "find something cool to do."

Mz2• 15 years ago

It probably needs to be more than just "cool". Volunteer at a homeless shelter or do something else that has the potential to move you to tears and make you feel your problems are just kind of whiny and insignificant. Not to belittle your pain, but to give yourself a larger view -- and to expose you to strong emotion of the cleansing kind. If you're torn up to the point of distraction about being dumped by someone who said mean things to you, then you probably need to live more. There are much bigger, grittier things going on in the world. Go take a sip from the firehose of life and forget this person.

Peace. And good luck in your journey.

nhangen• 15 years ago

Are these actual flaws, or just some woman's negative assessment based on her perspective?

If you can fix a legitimate flaw, then do it. Otherwise, it sounds like a confidence problem. Find something to help you re-build your confidence.

dufusheart8• 15 years ago

We got to know eachother very quickly during a time when I raised money for our company and was on top of the world. I wrongly assumed that because everything else in life was going well, that this relationship was just good karma coming out of nowhere, so I was extremely open and "googly-eyed" toward her. This came across as me being "a 14-year-old boy in man's body" and "a fool who doesn't know a thing about women and relationships."

mduerksen• 15 years ago

Based on my own experience, I would state 2 things:

1. Time will heal, there's no magic switch to make this undone. It's natural that your startup will suffer with you for a while. Just like raising money will occupy your mind, it's inevitable (I'm not suggesting this is the same quality of pain). But it will pass. In the meantime, don't let it be the reason to kill your startup.

2. Having your face rubbed in your imperfection hurts, but not every flaw is unacceptable for every person. If the flaw makes you imcompatible with the whole world, that could be a problem. But I'm quite sure that this flaw is only an issue for a certain type of person, or even only for that particular woman. It could be her problem, not even yours! And there is the other type, who appreciates your strengths and can live with your weaknesses (or doesn't even see it as a weakness).

dufusheart8• 15 years ago

Yeah, I guess it's good to remember that everyone's imperfect and some people just hate certain kinds of other people. In this case, she and I started off great, then the more I got to know her, the closer I felt to her and the more interested I was. The more she got to know me, the less interested she was. But she kept trying to connect as friends because she enjoyed my non-romantic company. Meanwhile, the time we spent together was crossing my wires and confusing me.

znt• 15 years ago

This happened to me twice too. It hurt really, really deep. I was trying to find my way through romantic relationships with the help of some "pick up strategies".

Do not take any negative comment from a woman (or anyone) personally. Perception is projection most of the time.

Try to look at your actions and characteristics from the outside objectively (observing ego). Fix any flaws you can find about yourself (Excessive weight, bad teeth, fidgeting too much, weak vocal projection, not being able to let go while with a woman etc)

The most helpful advice about women and dating was looking at the dating scene like a computer game. When you lose you go back to the start (with a different woman). The more you play, the more experience you get, the further you advance the next time.

I know it sounds cold and apathetic, but I couldn't have gotten my current girlfriend if I hadn't failed at my previous experiences. I analyzed every mistake I made, learned from them.

Sorry to say this, but you should be able to endure some pain if you want to be successful with women. Just don't get angry with them and don't take it personally. 95% of the time it's the men's fault when the relationship stops going anywhere. 5% of the time it's psycho women, but they're somewhat rare.

dufusheart8• 15 years ago

I've done a lot of that. I've lost weight, gotten into better physical shape, and am actually seeing someone pretty neat now.

But I find myself late at night when I'm alone fixating on the criticisms from this woman.

khafra2• 15 years ago

That you've fixed the problems she mentioned and found another girlfriend you're happy with should be in the original problem statement. That indicates a larger--or at least stranger--problem than usual.

mindcrime• 15 years ago

Just remember, she didn't reject you, she just demonstrated her own poor judgment / poor taste in men. You are the prize, not her... if she walked away, that's a big win for your new partner, who's out there just waiting to bump into you.

So much of your mental state is about your internal dialog, which is something you can control if you work at it. Consider looking at a book like "What to Say When You Talk to Yourself." http://www.amazon.com/What-Say-When-Talk-Yourself/dp/0671708...

Also, I've found that when I'm down about something, the best therapy is just to immerse myself in something. A startup project, exercise, whatever. This might be a good time to just dive into the startup with even more intensity than before. If nothing else, go with the old-fashioned meme of "the best revenge is living well." Picture yourself cruising in your new Ferrari and passing your ex somewhere and just smiling at her.

Or you could dive into some exercise routine / hobby. If you mountain bike or rock-climb or trail-run or anything fun, just start doing more of it. Find some other people to ride/climb/run/whatever with, so you have people to talk to and keep your mind off of the ex.

And finally there is the old PUA saw of "GFTOW" (Google it if you don't know the acronym.) Sounds kinda vulgar, but sometimes it's what a guy needs.

dufusheart8• 15 years ago

Your first line can't necessarily just be summarily true though, can it? I don't get the whole "winner talk" approach to life sometimes.

PonyGumbo• 15 years ago

I went through an extremely bad breakup about seven years ago, and I was amazed at how quickly I was able to get out of my own head once I started going on casual dates.

dufusheart8• 15 years ago

Thanks for sharing.

twickr• 15 years ago

Try deep focus and commitment on a new goal. Set milestones, even several a day. Put the horse blinders on.

Also, this article comes to mind and may help: http://rejectiontherapy.com/how-inadequacy-and-betrayal-can-...

thedealmaker• 15 years ago

http://roissy.wordpress.com/the-sixteen-commandments-of-poon...

Number 3 especially!!!

dufusheart8• 15 years ago

I read some of this stuff a while ago after an HN suggestion. I half-think it gave me the wrong idea in some ways. As the girl started pulling away from me, I tried to amp up my game and it just made things worse. Lol. I think the smarter play would have been to size things up, see that she was a ballbuster, and move on if there was no response.

rabidonrails• 15 years ago

you need to change it up a bit. I'm with phlux - get out and do something. Take a break -- go somewhere for the weekend to clear your mind.

Whatever you do, don't fall into a vortex of self-pity. Remember, she's gone, it sucks but it'll pass.

rms• 15 years ago

Move to Southeast Asia! I have some extra room at my villa in Bali right now if anyone wants to hang out for a while.

turbojerry• 15 years ago

It sounds like you have oneitis, see here-

http://www.seductionbase.com/seduction/cat/seductionfaq/Begi...

As far as things she said that you are not happy with, try to stand back from it, dissociate your self from it, consider it as feedback, did anything she said actually pertain to you, or is it her interpretation? If it is something directly about you, do you wish to carry on the same way or would you like to make a change based on that feedback? I know this sounds clinical, but that is what will help, if you are having trouble with separating the emotions from what she said you might try using visualization to dissociate yourself from the emotions.

emrahyalaz• 15 years ago

Contact me privately. I'll show you a way that worked for many people. No obligation. This isn't a joke. (PUA stuff won't help you. Task 1 is internalize what makes a woman unworthy, and how to pick the worthy ones).

Ask HN: Advice on getting over romantic rejection? It's killing my startup

Related Stories