I would happily write stored procs using the current language support for a decade without pay, before I'd subject myself to putting javascript in a fucking database engine.
And how is it "minutiae" to be able to figure out "is my database version actually supported"?
Remembering "8.4", "9.7" and ".4" just doesn't seem like a particularly big deal to me. The number* has only changed 3 times in the last 10 years.