Why you should never be a startup girlfriend

http://stephfinch.com/2008/07/why-you-should-never-be-a-startup-girlfriend/

by curio • 18 years ago

92 70 18 years ago

For all of you ladies who may or may not be flirting with the idea of dating a startup programmer, you should know exactly what you’re getting yourself into.

xlnt6• 18 years ago

Why you should never be a girlfriend: relationships usually end painfully

alex_c• 18 years ago

Ah. Don't make me break out the Tennyson.

"'tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all."

Sorry, I had to!

xlnt6• 18 years ago

"'tis better to have loved and lost 5 times, than never to have loved at all."

Is this version true too?

sophist2• 18 years ago

Only people who haven't really lost someone say this kinda stuff. The pain of loss eclipses all the good parts of having loved by a large margin, in my experience.

jfarmer5• 18 years ago

Why you should never start a company: most fail painfully.

dmix• 18 years ago

Buried for innaccurate title. She concludes that she actually enjoys being a startup girlfriend.

Oh wait this isn't digg. Up arrowed.

tlrobinson• 18 years ago

Ah yes, "the zone".

Whenever I start living with / working with / dating someone I always make sure to warn them about "the zone". I've been known to completely tune out everything around me to the point that it takes someone waving their hands in front of my face to get my attention.

I try to tell people it's nothing personal, and I'm not consciously ignoring them, but I don't know if they believe me. The worst is when I realize 5 minutes later that someone was trying to get my attention and gave up.

vaksel• 18 years ago

"~Own a Mac or be willing to admit that you should."

Who codes on a Mac?

IsaacSchlueter• 18 years ago

I do.

jfarmer5• 18 years ago

I'd say about 70-80% of the engineers I know in the Bay Area, including me.

xlnt6• 18 years ago

Me.

gaius• 18 years ago

Uhh, pretty much everyone these days, dude.

izaidi• 18 years ago

What do you code on?

davidw5• 18 years ago

Linux or BSD is where it's at for hackers. MacOS is nice too, of course, it's simple enough that my mom can use it. Just that if you really want to be in control of things, you probably want Linux. If I had to do sales or something else where looking flashy was important, I guess that would be another place where Apple's very nice looking products would be a good pick, but Dell+Ubuntu is a much better price/performance bet for someone who just wants to hack, a lot, and enjoys the freedom and control that come with free software. Admittedly, not for everyone, but then again, this site is for hackers, right?.

rw• 18 years ago

Debian on a powerbook (eat it).

axod2• 18 years ago

Anyone serious about coding.

neilc• 18 years ago

Crazy talk. Apple hardware is nice, but OSX is at best mediocre for systems programming.

gommm2• 18 years ago

I do, I used to code on a laptop running gentoo but got tired of spending too much time working as a sys-admin on my own system...

Now I use a mac and use prefixed portage to manage all the unix apps I use.

swombat• 18 years ago

You use portage on a mac? How? Got a link?

mpc• 18 years ago

http://www.paulgraham.com/mac.html

atog• 18 years ago

I do.

mrtron2• 18 years ago

tjr• 18 years ago

Since 2002.

jfarmer5• 18 years ago

There's something about lists like this that bother me. I know it shouldn't -- it's meant to be light and humorous. I think what bothers me is that the person she describes is really, godawful boring.

The line that stands out for me: "If you want to understand your boyfriend, understand computers. It’s not that difficult."

I...I just don't know. I'm an engineer at an early-stage startup and computers are a big part of my life, but I certainly hope they're not the best way for my girlfriend to understand me.

I'm not ribbing the article. It's cute. But when I read it I cringe and maybe worry a little bit that I actually am like that.

I'd also feel terrible if I treated my girlfriend like that.

philh• 18 years ago

I agree. I've never had a girlfriend or worked at a startup, but I hope I'd be mature enough not to care if she used Windows, had an obsolete/nonexistent gaget collection and was happy working in a cubicle. And that I'd understand her well enough to be able to show my affection in ways that meant something to her, rather than requiring her to understand that it means something to me.

akd• 18 years ago

How many people have you teased for being technologically inferior, such as writing "u" instead of you or accidentally installing Gator? When you rip into other people for doing this, even if not directly towards your girlfriend, she sees that and probably starts feeling self-conscious if she is a technological dunce too.

tdavis• 18 years ago

...and maybe worry a little bit that I actually am like that

So? No where in the article do I see her complaining about anything. I am an "engineer" at a startup as well, and I have never treated a girlfriend poorly. She wouldn't skip work to spend time with you and you can't either. The difference is you work far longer and less set hours than she does. When you're building or running a business you have to be realize that there are people in that relationship that are counting on you, likely for their livelihood. Due to this fact, "dates" become less important than keeping the website up because missing a date doesn't cost you hundreds or thousands of dollars -- and it keeps the people you work with from becoming frustrated or angry by your lack of proper priorities.

I exhibit many of the tendencies she describes in the article, albeit toned down to a less extreme level (I would never do an SEO campaign for a gf's birthday site (or make said site), for example). Saying "If you want to understand your boyfriend, understand computers" is accurate so long as you take it to mean, to understand what he talks about if you ask about work or what's causing stress, etc. In previous relationships, sometimes the woman took a genuine interest in what I did, wanted to learn a bit about it, etc. Others would just affectionately tell me I'm "such a nerd" and tell me to come back to bed. Either way, it requires understanding on their part.

As for being boring, I can honestly say I've never had a boring relationship. Just because she works at a bank doesn't mean she's boring, just like coding doesn't make you boring. It's what you do with the time you're together that matters. In general, it's what you do when you're not working that makes life exciting and adventurous. Your profession should have nothing to do with that (unless you're an international assassin or something, then it's always exciting). An old friend of mine, who barely ever uses his computer, has routinely been described by his girlfriends as an extremely boring person. He doesn't like going out and would prefer to just lounge around his apartment all day and play video games or watch TV, regardless of whether or not his girlfriend is there. I have never once been with a woman and said "lets just sit around and you can watch me play this game." You're making assumptions based on outdated stereotypes.

Yes, in general "we" are highly technical, logical people. We like challenges and taking risks. We hate mediocrity and lose interest in anything as soon as it becomes boring. We can be very passionate, opinionated and headstrong. We have a constant desire to learn and grow in new ways.

Now, what in the hell is bad about that?

jfarmer5• 18 years ago

I read your response and the other thread of replies and all I can think of is this:

since feeling is first / who pays any attention / to the syntax of things / will never wholly kiss you

staunch• 18 years ago

I intended to upmod ya but clicked down. Stupid touch pad. +1

wheels• 18 years ago

I agree -- it's another classical example of the, "Advice = Limited Life Experience + Overgeneralization" maxim.

I suppose the thing is that the title "Ways to Deal with a Relationship Between an Archtypical Nerd Working at a Startup and Moderately Nerdy Girlfriend Who Isn't" doesn't have quite the same ring to it.

There are lots of other walks of life that require startup-level commitment. People working in those "get it". I think it's harder for someone who has a "normal job" and is trying to cope with being resolved to be a "startup girlfriend" (rather than say, a film director or writer or whatever).

kimboslice• 18 years ago

Or... "why you should never date someone who writes blog posts named 'why you should never be a startup girlfriend'"

holygoat• 18 years ago

+1, correct use of quotes.

jamesjyu• 18 years ago

Many of these points are nullified when you find a girlfriend that is also in the startup world. Share the pains and joys together!

jyothi• 18 years ago

true and better you both read HN sitting opp each other sipping coffee :)

silencio• 18 years ago

I guess someone needs to write an article for the 1% of people who fall into the "startup boyfriend" category.

I appreciate men who understand computers, use Macs (or, well, I'm platform agnostic but prefer !windows), know what twitter is, and will wait in line with me to get a new iPhone. :)

tpiep• 18 years ago

> "You will have to appreciate the time and effort it took to run a search engine optimization campaign on the website he made you for your birthday, and how important that is to him. He shows his affection differently than other guys do sometimes."

That's funny.

jmtame2• 18 years ago

For those of us that are single...

Does a single girl out there EXIST that could understand even a few of these items? Particularly the one about weekends?

I've scoured my campus and I have yet to find one.

If(oneExists) { letMeKnow(); } else { sigh++; }

gecko• 18 years ago

In college, there may be some, but they're few and far between--largely because they, like you, are holed up in their dorms all day playing WoW. Once you graduate, and you both start having more normal lives, it gets much easier. Here in NYC, I've not had any trouble finding geek-compatible girls, and have been in several overall very pleasant relationships over the past couple of years. You just have to be willing to look.

dgabriel• 18 years ago

We exist.

jmtame2• 18 years ago

where have you been all my life? =O

a-priori• 18 years ago

They exist, unless I got the last one (which I doubt).

maximilian• 18 years ago

girls that do lots of sports understand the weekends. I spent most of my weekends in the spring at college at bike races. I tended to date girls who were athletic also.

aspirant• 18 years ago

All I know is that Startup Girlfriend is going to be in the title of my next product.

Why you should never be a startup girlfriend

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