How to learn to stop being constantly stressed under pressure as software eng?

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=21874635

by epimetheus2 • 7 years ago

20 18 7 years ago

news.ycombinator.com

I am (senior) software engineer and I can tackle most of the problems easily (not trying to brag just underlying that it's not really the case of being worried that I wont be able to perform next task, as its often in junior devs). I work 100% remotely but I've noticed that I am constantly stressed. I feel constant (big) pressure on me and the team from managment, to deliver new features, and usual.

Even taking vacation is strain, as we are distributed remote team, and I am already taking much less vacation as I would (peer pressure, and classical managment methods of "we depend on you do do this until unreasonable deadline).

I have meaningful hobbies (including gym) and friends outside of work, but work is still major part of my life (which I guess is ok).

I feel most of this stress is very self inflicted, as there are not _real_ threaths (I work in niche field and can get a another job easily). I often work many hours on weekend, holidays, public holidays (I live in Europe), just because of this stress. I worry that maybe managment knows this and is manipulating me towards it.

I feel like "not being stressed under pressure from peers/managment" is a skill that can be learned, and I'd like to learn it. How? Can you recomment some book or course? I think many people pick this up naturally, but I am failing to do so, and I fear Im falling towards workoholism (including working long hours, on vacation, holidays...constantly checking slack, unable to work on my own project, unable to study because I feel guilt of not working on company's stuff...).

We are small company (+-40people), with only few +-3 backend engineers (actually less than designers and product managers).

Thank you, any tips are appreciated.

1f60c• 7 years ago

Hi,

You should add "Ask HN:" to your title, like so:

  Ask HN: How to learn to stop being constantly stressed under pressure as software eng?

That way, it's clear that you are asking something, and it will also appear on the "ask" tab.

AnimalMuppet2• 7 years ago

I think it shows up in the "ask" tab based on not having a URL in the submission. At least, there are entries in there that do not begin with "Ask HN".

I agree that it is customary, and helpful.

epimetheus23• 7 years ago

Thank you, I edited it. I thought it's automatic with questionmark on the end.

kick• 7 years ago

It sounds like you're under abusive management. If it's within your power, you should probably start looking for a new job. If you want, you should use some of those vacation days you have saved up to go on the job hunt.

epimetheus23• 7 years ago

I would like to get stock options first, and I kind of like the engineering part of the work. I also take great ownership for things I built. The job would be perfect if I didnt feel so stressed out.

andrei_says_2• 7 years ago

Consider adding your own needs to “management.”

Your mind and body need rest, you have a need for social interactions with friends and family, a need for at least 8h of sleep (see why we sleep) etc.

Your body is your ultimate manager because when at some point it says no, you’re out of luck and choices. Respect that.

AnimalMuppet2• 7 years ago

It sounds like your management is pushing you to give more than it's reasonable for you to give. You need to really understand that it's more than is reasonable. (You yourself described it as "unreasonable deadline".)

And, based on that, you need to become comfortable saying "no" without feeling guilty.

I mean, in a crunch, sure. For a couple of weeks, sure. For six months? That's a management failure. It's not your fault, and you can't fix it. You may be able, by heroic effort, to temporarily prevent catastrophe, at great cost to yourself. But it's actually OK to not do so. It is not reasonable for you to pay the price for management's failures.

epimetheus23• 7 years ago

Thanks, I did crunch where I only slept 16 hours during 4 days, because there was immense pressure on me and my team due to conference. And then it was obviously not needed (they used video), so I felt only being used to work as much as possible.

But I think that maybe the problem is in ME, that Im just not able to face some pressure without overworking.

chrisbennet• 7 years ago

"A lack of planning in your part, does not constitute and emergency on mine."

andrei_says_2• 7 years ago

Famous last words of someone who will be put on probation so they can be fired.

On the other hand explaining why things take time, documenting change requests and establishing solid trusting relationships can be very productive.

sethammons• 7 years ago

Others have said said it: learn to say no. However, tooling helps. Some will not like this suggestion: look into scrum or kanban agile. A single backlog of tasks and units of work. With scrum, you tell the business "we can do the following stories/tasks in the next two weeks." It is on you and your team to only commit (ie, say no) to work you can reasonably finish in that period. This gives the opportunity to the business to give priority to things they feel are important. If you find that you are over committing, commit to less the following iteration. Understand that, as you said, it is unreasonable to pull heroic hours. Stick to 36 to 44 hours a week. If work is not completed, you alter the following iteration to do less.

Finally, a quote that I internalized as a kid: if you can do something about a situation, do so and don't worry. If you cannot do something, then don't and don't worry. Applied to this context, I would take that to mean you can put limits in place and you shouldn't worry if that makes the business upset.

This is your life. Time lost with friends and family can never be gotten back. Finding reasonable balance with work is paramount.

It is not just that easy. It requires work and discipline. I'm still working on taking the same advice and not working crazy long hours. Fortunately, my manager helps me here and says, "dude. It's late. Go home. Family time."

karmakaze• 7 years ago

I think this is one of the pitfalls of working remotely. It's hard to gauge how your work is being received and similarly how managements requests are being received.

Have you talked to management about this concern? I think the solution is more about communicating expectations and consequences rather than something that you should be fixing just on your side. At this rate, you will burn out, it sounds like it's already starting. No one wants that to happen. They probably need to hire more backend devs which is another discussion. You should also be careful to distinguish what you interpret from requests from their intentions. It's possible management has no idea that you're being overworked unless you somehow let them know and they're just keep giving you work because you perform so well. I wouldn't however call them blameless.

m_ke• 7 years ago

Dale Carnegie has a pretty good book about managing stress. It's called "How to stop worrying and start living". Wikipedia has a summary of it here: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Stop_Worrying_and_Sta...

Main thing that is got from it was thinking about the worst possible outcome of whatever is stressing you out and realizing that it's probably not as big of a deal as you're making it out to be. The project deadlines set by your management are made up and missing them won't be the end of the world, so you should treat them that way. A website going down for an hour will also not matter a day after it happens.

Do your best at work and learn to say no. If you're good at your job they will respect your work, and if they don't there will be a lot of other companies ready to hire you.

cocoa19• 7 years ago

A good therapist can help you manage stress levels and give you tools to manage your particular situation.

Some tools are breathing techniques, learn how to communicate with management, learn how to push back and learn why you aren't doing it now.

I'd urge you to consider it before something worse can happen (e.g. panic attacks). Like you said, most of the times, the stress is self-inflicted. Remember, health should be your number one priority.

p0d• 7 years ago

I am guessing back end work and dealing with performance issues is causing stress? If this is the case fixing the back end team will help.

It also sounds like you are worrying too much about what management thinks. They will let you know quick enough if you are a problem and let you go if the business is suffering...irregardless of you being the special one :-)

probinso• 7 years ago

The lowest impact solution will be to start and end your days earlier (7-3 is a common bounds) next is to lobby for a 9/80 schedule and don't do overtime.

9/80 can change your life, barely felt burnout when was on a 9/80

yellow_lead• 7 years ago

Had to look this up.

"9/80s work schedule" is a compressed work schedule which consists of eight 9-hour days, one 8-hour day, and one day off in a 2-week period.

aliswe• 7 years ago

Problem is that you don't have completely clear directives regarding what's expected of you, and you therefore infer those expectations by some kind of subjective (and perhaps subconcious) reasoning.

How to learn to stop being constantly stressed under pressure as software eng?

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