Ask HN: I am addicted to Porn. Help me quit

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=21077943

by throwaway196 • 7 years ago

67 47 7 years ago

news.ycombinator.com

I am 46 years old male and have been addicted to Porn for the last 15 years. I am married and wife does not know. I have not had sex for the past two years with her (or anyone). Seems like the only times I get turned on is when I am chatting with someone in IRC sex channels or when I am watching Porn.

I want to quit because it breaks me to see my wife think I do not desire her physically, because she is getting old. She is a lovely and beautiful woman.

I also want to quit because I find this addiction high, leaves a trace of depression behind.

If you did quit, how did you manage? Any help is appreciated.

andymoe• 7 years ago

Not sure this is the correct forum but I know of others who have gotten help from this org. https://saa-recovery.org Maybe a place to start pulling on the thread to find treatment.

gigatexal• 7 years ago

This program might be sponsored by the Church or Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (formerly, colloquially known s the Mormons) but they are very good about focusing on recovery and not conversion or preaching and there are meetings you can phone into or go to in person: https://addictionrecovery.churchofjesuschrist.org/find-a-mee...

As someone who has dealt with the selfsame thing you are going through I found their program helpful in helping me get out of addiction (I wasn’t sure I wanted to share that but if it helps you out then it was worth it).

derrick_jensen• 7 years ago

I'm not a Mormon myself, but worked with a lot of organizations supported by the LDS church. It is probably the most clean and uncorrupted religious organization of its size, and they do forward a lot of money to useful organizations (Boy Scouts of America in my case).

chewz• 7 years ago

start here https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/quitting-porn/

gitserious2• 7 years ago

I conquered porn 7 years ago after 14 years of addiction, and so will you. The answer is found through prayer, which will lead you to the ultimate problem solver. If you're looking for the specifics you can reach me here https://pastebin.com/7gVgkGBx

dngray2• 7 years ago

lol. Trying to get around the rules by linking to a pastebin that contains a short link to your church I think will make you pretty unpopular.

Best approach would be for OP to consider therapy with a psychologist, after all it is a mental health issue, addiction, dependence etc, covering it up with an imaginary man in the sky isn't treating it. That is about as good as trying to "pray the gay away".

They will likely run through https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy which is used for a lot of things like that.

gitserious2• 7 years ago

Trying to get around the rules

Care to share which rules?

covering it up with an imaginary man in the sky isn't treating it

I'm sharing facts about what really worked for me. Are you calling me a liar?

hitsurume• 7 years ago

The actor Terry Crews was also addicted to porn and he did some videos about quiting that you'll find online. Gist of it is figuring out your current habits and changing them. For example, he knew that he watched on Friday nights when the kids and wife were out for some activity, so he prevented himself from being home alone during that time and worked a system to control his addiction.

ericzawo• 7 years ago

Yes. Not only are the videos[1] straight talk and actionable, they're super entertaining. Terry Crews is the real deal.

1: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I4krRkO4sHc

tryitnow2• 7 years ago

Wow. I'm really impressed by this guy, he's doing a good job of modeling masculinity for the 21st century.

StanislavPetrov• 7 years ago

The use of psilocybin has been found to be extremely effective in helping to break serious addictions, including alcoholism. The exact mechanism through which this occurs isn't known, but it might be worth investigating - especially if you live in a country where clinical trials are taking place.

murm• 7 years ago

For me psilocybin has helped to break some bad habits because it seems to reset my brain to a more "untainted" state. During the next few days after using it (the "afterglow"), I feel like I have more conscious control over my life and what activities I decide to engage in, instead of just acting subconsciously and impulsively while feeling helpless about the whole situation. However, I have found out that if I don't use this short window of opportunity to change my environment, the same bad habits will return and get a hold of me in no time.

faissaloo• 7 years ago

It should be stressed that doing psi can traumatize you and leave you with mental health issues.

Messenio_Gaurus• 7 years ago

There is a subreddit [1] about this where you can get a lot of suggestions and help.

As suggested before, breaking out of your bad habits is a great way to get started:

- never find yourself alone in a room with your computer (put the desk in the living room, etc.)

- get an app like Loop habit tracker [2] to track your "porn free" days and keep the streak going!

- do more activities with your loved ones (any kind of activities)

(I'm currently 65 days in. I know how it feels. It gets better with time. The fact that you've reached for help means you're already on the good way! Good luck to you!)

[1] https://reddit.com/r/pornfree/

[2] https://github.com/iSoron/uhabits/

lotsofpulp• 7 years ago

never find yourself alone in a room with your computer (put the desk in the living room, etc.)

Everyone I know has a computer in their pocket.

cferr• 7 years ago

Leave it on the coffee table or kitchen table when not in use. It's then nearby the majority of the time to hear notifications, but it's located in a common room of the house.

pseudobry• 7 years ago

This isn't an end all be all, but it can raise the barrier to entry: route the DNS of all your devices, including your router, through family-filter-dns.cleanbrowsing.org. OpenDNS is another option.

Second, see a therapist who specializes in this. Groups mentioned in this thread are good too. Change your routine and find someone who can hold you accountable. Go to bed at the same time as wife, find an activity/hobby to redirect energy and re-sensitize.

prewett• 7 years ago

I know a lot of guys who have successfully quit porn, and what they say helps is being really vulnerable with guys who have the same struggle. Part of it is looking at the emotional needs they are trying to fill with porn. Asking themselves questions like what is this doing for me in the moment? (Given that they don't want to be doing it, why are they actually doing it?) They also build habits of sharing how their week was emotionally with a small group of like-minded guys. Generally over the course of about a year they find themselves building habits where they learn what their emotional needs are, ways to meet their needs, and increasing ability to be courageous in things like confronting their wives or not responding in anger when their wife accuses them.

I can't speak from experience on porn, but this same approach has helped me a lot with other unhealthy habits. I've been doing it about a year, and I am much better at identifying what I am feeling and really desiring, and as a result, the unhealthy habits are less appealing because it's clear they won't give me what I'm really looking for. (In my case it's "belonging") I still don't have a solution for my desire to belong yet, but I am now able to sit in the pain and sadness and disappointment instead of trying to numb it.

Mikhail_Edoshin• 7 years ago

Go to a library. Find a section of books on psychology or self-help or spirituality, better if it is more distant from where you are now. Go through the books and pick the ones that "look at you" as Russians say. You'll know which ones. Read and see where this takes you.

bakuninsbart• 7 years ago

It of course depends on the relationship to your wife, but one of the first steps might be to come clean to her. - Take the steps mentioned in other posts (go to the subreddit, read up on psychology, see a psychologist, change your routine), and then share with your wife. Not only will it make her feel better, she might be able to help you with the necessary steps.

trowy123• 7 years ago

I’d like to stress the importance of exercising. I myself am trying to quit porn addiction, and have seen a lot of folks recommending exercising but wasn’t convinced. Only recently I started running regularly, and I’ve seen a lot of improvement, I feel less the need to watch porn. The thing is that the addiction takes a toll on your self-esteem while exercising increases your confidence, so it helps counter it.

Besides, depending on how tech savvy you are, content filters may or may not be effective. An unpopular but quite effective one for self control is Pluckeye. It works under linux and windows.

You can also seek an accountability partner.

Also, following the subreddit /r/NoFap might keep you motivated. Here are some videos which motivate me personally : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5R-FbmLbpWY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hx-p9Wr6xg0

Blakestr2• 7 years ago

It is usually easier to get over an addiction by replacing it with something else. So go for a run or take a cold shower.

Another thing that's helpful is to identify when you have your strong moments and capitalize on those to do more preventative measures. You posting this was one of your strong moments, for example. Make it easier by removing the possibility of accessing porn; if you are an alcoholic, get the liquor out of the house. People have already recommended some good solutions - I'd even go as far as to access your router and put a block on your computer's IP address. (Wife might notice if you put a blanket parental policy on everything) But do these changes when you are feeling strong so it will make it easier when you feel weak/low on willpower.

Sam Harris has an pretty good intro to mindfulness. It's a lot easier to deal with any addiction when you can make that little tiny voice louder. The way addiction thrives is when we lie to ourselves. The harder that is to do, the more resistant we are to addiction. Good luck!

dmitripopov• 7 years ago

As with any addiction there are different flavors of it and each one requires specific approach. For example, if the origins of it are in frustration over your sexual fantasies never get real, all attempts to quit the addiction the same way as quitting a smoking habit will only make things worse. I recommend you visit a doctor who specializes on addictions first.

fellow_human• 7 years ago

I've been in (psychodynamic) therapy for around 9 months because I was addicted to porn before my relationship with my current gf. After around 1 year of honeymoon period bliss (and lots of passionate sex) the habit and urges came back stronger than ever. I lost interest in my gf sexually and it led to a lot of problems between us. I then started therapy.

I've not yet "conquered" my porn addiction, but I've realized it may have its roots in repressed anger and unable to deal with anger in a healthy way. So I echo the answer of the other comments that mention emotional displacement as the cause. I think the first step is to realize that you're addicted because subconsciously your mind is looking for relief from some difficult feeling you're unable to confront. This makes it useless to try quit by using "will power". Instead I would look for a good therapist who can help with behavioural addictions and with help and hard work you might be able to overcome it. I'm speaking only from personal experience and of course some of these things may not apply to you. But I hope it helps. Good luck my friend.

If you wish to understand more about emotional displacement, depression and addiction, I found two books particularly enlightening on the subject. One is "The body keeps the score" by Bessel Van Der kolk. The other is "In the realm of hungry ghosts" by Gabor Mate. Highly recommend both. The first is particularly great imo.

Porthos9K• 7 years ago

I don't think it's the porn. I think there are underlying issues that you haven't mentioned and might not even be aware of. My suggestion is that you start by not buying into the addiction narrative. Instead of telling yourself you're "addicted to porn", tell yourself that you're using porn as a coping mechanism, and that this is counterproductive.

I'd also suggest seeing a therapist who uses cognitive-behavioral therapy and other evidence-based methods, if you can afford to do so or have decent health insurance.

Whatever you do, avoid twelve-step programs. There's almost no evidence for their efficacy, and the success rate is no more than %10.

combatentropy• 7 years ago

I agree that probably there are underlying issues, and I enthusiastically recommend congnitive-behavioral therapy.

But I also think it's the porn, that it's chemical, just like alcohol. Sex releases oxytocin, which is a bonding agent with whatever you happen to be looking at.

Whatever you do, avoid twelve-step programs. There's almost no evidence for their efficacy, and the success rate is no more than %10.

I would say that every member of AA who has been sober for years is evidence for the efficacy. And if the success rate is around 10%, that is unsurprising, given that attendance is voluntary and they are struggling against a very strong feeling.

rhmw2b• 7 years ago

I'd actually suggest you consider telling your wife for a few reasons:

1) It's really unfair to go on letting her believe an untruth. She should know the reason you have not been intimate with her. She may even be relieved to know that what she thought was the issue, her getting old which is something that she can't change, wasn't actually the issue and the real issue can be changed. 2) You have been hiding this habit for 15 years, surely this will not be a complete surprise to your wife. 3) The most important reason is that once your wife is aware of your struggle she will be a strong motivation to quit and potentially even a supportive person who you can be vulnerable with (as opposed to strangers on HN).

It might help to picture yourself five years from now. If you don't quit (the trend for the past 15 years) then your relationship with your wife will only have become worse, your wife will continue to believe that she is undesirable, you will continue to have this part of your life that you are scared to share with your family, etc. If you come clean with her then you will (likely) be forced to change and hopefully your relationship is improved and you no longer have this baggage in your life. If she loves you (which it sounds like she does) she will probably be more understanding than you picture in your head.

To share my (religious) experience, I struggled with porn for several years and became extremely frustrated because I felt like I became a slave to the urge, no matter what I tried I couldn't seem to quit. Eventually, in my frustration, I prayed to God and begged for help to break the habit and in that moment I got a calm feeling and with time I felt that my prayer was answered. The addiction didn't go away, but I seemed to find just enough self control/motivation/discipline/whatever to quit cold turkey. I know religion isn't usually a well-received remedy, and it's not required in order to quit porn, this was just my experience.

berrynice• 7 years ago

This is a bad idea, this information may seriously harm your wife's mental health.

hackeer2• 7 years ago

don't follow this advice^

throwaway413• 7 years ago

I don't have any advice for you, but I just want to say good for you for taking this step and seeking help with this. You can do it. Thanks for sharing your personal life with us. It is inspiring for other people battling their own troubles, such as myself, who are still afraid to start seeking help from others.

JamesBarney• 7 years ago

It seems like the problem you want to solve is how to increase the amount of physical and sexual intimacy with your wife.

Are you sure the problem is pornography? The vast majority of the male population consumes an enormous amount of pornography and is still intimate with their partner. I think you should be open to the idea the problem might exist elsewhere.

Is the problems a lack of mental or physical arousal?

If it's physical you could try getting prescribed viagra, if it's mental a sex therapist might help.

Also if your wife is open to it, you could watch porn together.

If you're wanting to quit porn for its own sake(usually religious) then probably other people's advice would be more beneficial.

tryitnow2• 7 years ago

If it's possible for you, see a qualified therapist. They will help you unpack the the problem and see if from different perspectives.

I would not trust advice you find on the Internet, it could just compound the invisible biases you already have (this is a risk with therapists too, but less so since they're trained professionals).

Shop around for a therapist. If you have friends who know you well and can recommend a therapist ask them for a recommendation.

Best of luck, seeking out help is the first step.

Trias11• 7 years ago

For men - porn addiction (or any addiction) is a way to release stuck energy that is not being funnelled toward creative work or creative expression.

So suggestion is to think what you love doing - and start doing that.

Engage and get focus on something meaningful and exciting for you.

This active re-focusing will help you to steer toward something good and automatically away from something not good.

qzx_pierri• 7 years ago

So suggestion is to think what you love doing - and start doing that.

What if OP loves watching porn?

Blakestr2• 7 years ago

General OP probably loves the feeling he gets watching porn not the actual porn itself, otherwise he wouldn't be seeking help for it.

Things that are generally seen as wholesome we don't seek cures for and while people are diverse enough that any good thing can still become an addiction, something like Bob Ross painting is not very likely to be something a person seeks rehab for.

And you are correct that there are some people who simply love porn for the sake of porn and revel in it. Different strokes for different folks I guess.

jayess• 7 years ago

It's too bad that several heartfelt responses are dead because someone else didn't like them and downvoted.

Red_Tarsius• 7 years ago

Different issue (https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=20172172), but my heuristics might work for you as well. I'm not a therapist, so take it with a pinch of salt.

1) Edit the host file to block nsfw websites on your computer: https://github.com/4skinSkywalker/anti-porn-hosts-file. Note that the host file blocks whole websites (e.g. reddit.com), not specific pages (reddit.com/r/news/).

2) Download a web/app blocker to lock down your browser during night time. I use https://heyfocus.com/?utm_source=focus_about, but there are several free apps to choose from.

3) Soul-search what really caused the compulsive behaviour. This lengthy process is less about finding "the ONE answer" and more about self-awareness. A good psychologist (a professional therapist who does not rely on prescriptions) can help you connect the dots. I was skeptical at first, but I've ended up enjoying the sessions.

4) Find a hobby that involves exploring open spaces: hiking, nature photography, bird watching, biking through the countryside... you need to feel that child-like freedom again. Modern life is like moving from one prison cell to the next, each one with a specific function. Your daily routine is likely defined by a string of tiny spaces: bedroom, bathroom, kitchen, sidewalk, car, office, repeat. Porn might be one way to escape from the ubiquitous wall, but I suggest you to explore other possibilities.

I wish you good luck! I hope you'll post your progress to this community in the future.

gregw2• 7 years ago

I've used host files to reduce my news reading and found various browsers ignore the hosts file at timez... and Chrome is the worst.

runjake• 7 years ago

In addition to the excellent recommendations in the comments, you'll want people in place to act a support system. Maybe this is a qualified mental health professional, or an addict group run by a qualified mental health professional.

I believe there is a sexual addiction and/porn addition group in just about every medium-sized city. If you can't find the latter, the former should be able to help direct you to appropriate channels.

You will face great challenges to success without a qualified mental health professional

12stepdude• 7 years ago

https://saa-recovery.org/

Some people find a solution in 12 step recovery programs. It's a very difficult addiction. Some people find the spiritual aspect distasteful. If that's you then perhaps a therapist could be of use.

tmpQb63gFbfR2• 7 years ago

In addition to what others have mentioned, it may be worth searching up the "easypeasy hackbook". It is not so long that you can't read it all the way through (think about how much time you will reclaim by not using porn!!)

The world is full of people who had addictions and then escaped them, by whatever means. Do not lose hope.

BOOSTERHIDROGEN• 7 years ago

Maybe its related to very easy get bored

ramtatatam• 7 years ago

If you really want to quit make yourself a favour and cut on everything that leads you to it. Your fight starts in your thoughts and you have to be concious when your thoughts drift towards these areas of your memory. You was building this up for 15 years so scars are deep and it will take probably at least 15 years to make them heal.

Once you are on your daily mind fight, you can help yourself and clean your browser history everywhere, delete all internet accounts, remove everything that might light a spark leading you to go downwards.

At home you can block everything that you want to avoid, simply add rules to router.

But really your mind is where most of battle will happen.

sethammons• 7 years ago

Redirect the urge. Reaching for your phone? Instead of going to your go-to porn site, send a love note to your wife, go pick some flowers for her, or otherwise find a way to express desire for her.

RaceWon• 7 years ago

It is possible your wife has sexual interests that you are not aware of. Most gals ain't as Vanilla as they "pretend" they are . Just putting this out there.

hackeer2• 7 years ago

Who said it is wrong to watch porn? You won't be attracted to Her physically all your life, get over it.