The Gift of Fear: Chapter One (1997)

https://archive.nytimes.com/www.nytimes.com/books/first/b/becker-fear.html

by Tomte • 8 years ago

46 19 8 years ago

archive.nytimes.com

My mind wasn't particularly open to the idea that I could be a victim (in spite of living amidst Columbine/school shootings, 9/11, and multiple tramautic experiences after coming out of the closet) until something truly bad happened to me -- I was robbed at gunpoint outside a BART station in San Francisco. I was with my girlfriend at the time, and whether it was or not, it read like a true hate crime. I didn't call the police until the next morning, after we both had time to collect ourselves. In retrospect, I see that it would've been better for everyone to call the police right away, but I was so traumatized I wasn't thinking about that. And, once we filed the report nothing meaningful happened to the perpetrators that I was aware of.

Since then, I have been on high alert to the bad stuff happening around me every single day. I'm getting help, and I'm lucky to be able to afford it, but I probably won't ever be the same. One thing I can't afford is doubting my instincts -- I have learned that doing so will get me burned.

This part of the excerpt struck me: "We don't need to learn about violence, many feel, because the police will handle it, the criminal-justice system will handle it, experts will handle it. Though it touches us all and belongs to us all, and though we each have something profound to contribute to the solution, we have left this critical inquiry to people who tell us that violence cannot be predicted, that risk is a game of odds, and that anxiety is an unavoidable part of life."

patient_zero• 8 years ago

I'm sorry that happened to you. would you be willing to share more about that experience? apologies if I'm prying too much, but I'm interested in what instincts you felt (and brushed off) and whether you would do something different now. thanks.

ambivalents3• 8 years ago

I'm happy to share more by DM -- please reach out. Email is in my profile.

Quick and dirty take of what I would do differently now (because I think a lot of readers here live in SF and I want to help, but without mongering too much fear):

- Don't be out alone at night on Market Street/near BART stations, especially if you're a woman

- Don't engage with homeless people if you're alone (day or night)

- Don't let a situation escalate. Just avoid areas and people that cue "trouble" for you (this one is context-dependent and will be different for everyone)

These might sound painfully obvious, but when weird stuff is completely normalized like it is in SF, it can be hard to discern what's a real threat and what isn't. I hope this helps.

fellowniusmonk• 8 years ago

it's telling that most communities that have the most interactions with police also rely on and trust them the least, if you live in an enclave and have separated yourself out from even the perceived/tangible threat of violence it's hard to come up with real solutions.

DEADBEEFC0FFEE• 8 years ago

I certainly don't want to take anything away from what you have shared.

I've been reading Steven Pinker's book, Enlightenment Now, and there are some sections on violence and using crime as an indicator of progress.

Which leads me to wonder, what the phycology of average people were like through history. Presumably everyone in the middle ages had some experience of violence, and would have witnessed awful acts (in the name of good too).

Was everyone suffering inside?

ambivalents3• 8 years ago

Humans are remarkably good at rationalizing away irrational things. There's no doubt we live in a better, safer time now than we ever have. But progress leads to new dangers and threats we didn't think possible.

In my above post, I talk about being a victim of a gender-fueled hate crime. Because that is not normal to me. And it's not very normal for others, either. The violence in the middle ages could have been normalized to the point where it didn't cause as much suffering. That I'm not sure of, but it probably depends on the prevailing religious doctrine of the time.

pjc50• 8 years ago

There's evidence that the answer was yes: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2923799/Did-a...

(Article links to original study but link is bad)

sigvirt2• 8 years ago

Training is your friend. Learn to be on both sides of the fist and stick and gun - what is and is not possible. For some illustration of outcomes, see youtube for "28 foot rule" or "21 foot rule". Learn to see the setup and the ambush, though there are fewer who teach this. One of the best introductory defense programs I've seen, for when push came to shove, was Bay Area Model Mugging (although for women only). There can be a time to step-up/speak-up and defend yourself and friends, a time to hand over the goods, and a time to run like hell. Training goes a long way to replace panic with healtier options. And call the police right away; it might save the next local victim half an hour later.

throwaway62991• 8 years ago

Unfortunately, most of the training that's available is worse than useless. It's fantastical, unrealistic and informed by neither research nor practical experience. It teaches physical techniques that are demonstrably ineffective, it fails to teach the core mental skills of self defence and it gives a completely false sense of confidence. Bay Area Model Mugging seems to be far more serious than most, but their website copy does seem a little concerning in places.

de Becker's The Gift of Fear is such an important work because it emphasises everything that happens before a violent confrontation. By the time most people realise that they might get hurt, they've already missed a dozen opportunities to recognise the situation and act to protect themselves. It applies not merely to the random acts of violence by strangers that many people fear, but the far more prevalent and insidious forms of violence that develop within relationships of all kinds.

Any meaningful self-defence training must include real fear, real violence and real pain. It must start with the essential skills of situational awareness, threat perception and decision-making under acute stress. It must be rooted in the understanding that skill and technique are nearly always trumped by size and strength, and that most violent confrontations have the possibility of suddenly and unpredictably becoming catastrophic.

paublyrne• 8 years ago

My old karate club used to and I'm sure still does run self defense courses twice a year, partially as a way to get new members. One of the instructors used to repeat the same mantra at every course, echoing the old master Gichin Funakoshi, that the best defense is always to be somewhere else.

sigvirt2• 8 years ago

Yes. Well put and necessarily said, 62991. Hopefully, one has the peace-time luxury of a leisurly acclimation toward the deeper end of the pool; too many in the world sadly don't. Absolutely, awareness and preemption are paramount. btw - instead of "healthier options", I perhaps should have said "healthier instinctive responses". All that aside, any day arriving home alive and intact is a good day.

slededit• 8 years ago

You don't have to be polite if you are uncomfortable. If the person meant no harm and just wanted to help they'll forget about it by tomorrow. If they did mean harm your assertiveness will most likely cause them to rethink. Like most predators they want an easy victim.

Our instincts have been honed over thousands of years, there's not much to lose in trusting them.

sgocity• 8 years ago

I was sexually assaulted a long time ago, and my therapist at the time recommended this book to me. I've re-read it many times.

What you say is a point that the book drives home many times. De Becker says it is better to stay away from a decent person than to allow a malicious person to get close to you. And if the person really is decent, they'll understand your reaction.

stealthmodeclan• 8 years ago

Once I was with a friend and a homeless person pointed gun at us and asked us for all our belongings.

Now my friend who has rage issue and is also a football player, kicked so fast and hard at his wrist the gun was nowhere to be seen.

Now, i am neither martial artist nor a football player, i could barely see him kicking but he was ready to punch his face now since the gun was out of the equation.

If it was just me, I would have gave up everything and went home.

adrianN• 8 years ago

When somebody points a gun at you and asks for your stuff, giving them anything they want is usually the best decision, no matter how much martial arts you know.

Double_a_92• 8 years ago

How much "belongings" do you carry on you anyway? Probably something around 1000$. Not worth risking my life for that, by trying to overwhelm some crazy person.

ryan-allen2• 8 years ago

The book is available on Kindle Unlimited, which is nice if you have it!

The Gift of Fear: Chapter One (1997)

Related Stories