I Keep Quiet About Being a Cancer Doctor

http://cancer.nautil.us/article/254/why-i-keep-quiet-about-being-a-cancer-doctor

by dnetesn • 9 years ago

78 103 9 years ago

cancer.nautil.us

glibgil• 9 years ago

Educated man discovers the answer to the question, “How’s it going?” is always “fine, you?”

amorphid• 9 years ago

I prefer to reply "living the dream, you?".

201709User• 9 years ago

"Better than many, not as good as some".

TeMPOraL• 9 years ago

He already knew the answer; in fact, he refers to that in the text.

ergothus3• 9 years ago

This is superficially true, but I can completely sympathize with his position. After a lifetime of doing just as you say, my wife asked for divorce. Suddenly this small social lubricant that I never really noticed was just a jab into my pain...and people ask this A LOT. A few times I told people how I was, much as he described, and it didn't go well. It created the impression that I'd just have to deny out loud that I wasn't feeling what I was feeling. That no one cared about me, because the first thing anyone did was ask "how are you" without wanting the actual answer. Often, they ask while walking past and don't even wait for an answer, fake or not.

It felt different, not like the normal experience at all. That was a long time ago for me. As I learned to cope, this stopped being an issue.

Was I being self-centered and unreasonable? Probably. Doesn't change how it felt though. When I behaved as everyone expected, it was still raw, painful, and oh-so-frequent. If this guy deals with regularly telling people and their families that they are going to suffer the ravages of chemo/radiation to have too tiny a chance to live, not to mention the ones that he has to tell that they are going to die soon, that he has to say there is no option, that he has to cope with the immediate shock and denial. If he deals with the terrible question of "how long do I have?", if he deals with people that have families, if he deals with people who have no one - that all sounds horrifying. I wouldn't WANT a doctor (or anyone) to take that casually, but that also means I'm wanting that doctor to never escape those pains.

A friend of mine does therapy for low-income teens and she shuts the work portion of her brain down when not on the job. Doesn't even like to talk abstract concepts or read field-related articles. This mystifies me, because as a coder the difference between work and play is if I choose what to do, not if I'm programming. To have other interests I get, but to actively not want to think about something so large in my life would be at best bizarre. I'm guessing it's a similar issue to this author, and in his case people that pry are forcing him to think about it. And then those prying people try to connect by sharing their stories of cancer. I don't know of good stories about cancer - they are at best avoiding-the-worst stories.

So yeah, I don't see him learning what's expected, I see him telling us some side effects of what's expected. Hopefully I'll now be a bit more aware that someone being vague probably has a reason to be vague, and not follow my natural instinct to pry.

whipoodle2• 9 years ago

Seriously, the small talk exists precisely so we don’t have to get into shit we’d rather not get into. Not because everyone thinks the weather is actually fascinating.

Mz5• 9 years ago

This is likely an extremely recent modern view of citified, housed people who work in offices. Try camping for six years or getting a job that involves working out in the weather. You will likely find yourself developing a keen and genuine interest in the weather.

toomanybeersies3• 9 years ago

I've taken a cue from the French, and usually respond with "it's going".

jlebrech• 9 years ago

"oh, you're in IT. can you fix my computer?"

"oh, you're a doctor. can you fix my cancer?"

pi-rat• 9 years ago

A friend of mine has both a PhD in computer science, and a M.D. He basically looks like a giant flashing single point universal problem solver for people that run into him.

Wise from old mistakes, now he just lies if the guy next to him on a plane asks what he does.

flachsechs2• 9 years ago

yeah, wow.

since i own a small business i just tell people i work in finance now. less questions and comments and more quiet, inaccurate assumptions of wealth and power which i am happy to let be.

KGIII7• 9 years ago

I hate being introduced as Dr. KGIII. Almost invariably, I'll get asked medical questions.

I'm a mathematician.

Twirrim• 9 years ago

"Oh you're in IT, can you fix my computer?"

I'll often go for the soft approach first: "Sorry, I only deal with Linux based systems, I don't know a thing about Windows or Macs"

While yes, I deal solely with Linux professionally, it's a little white lie to claim that I know nothing about Windows or Macs. I use them both.

Those circumstances where it doesn't, I'm quite comfortable telling people "No". Took a while to get comfortable with it, but hey it's a useful thing to get comfortable with.

macintux2• 9 years ago

First words out of my mouth are often "I don't do Windows."

khedoros13• 9 years ago

When pressed, I've told people "I can, but I don't want to." Or "I used to do that, but I stopped when it got boring."

Or I'll propose that we swap professional services, and that usually shuts things down.

INTPenis2• 9 years ago

Who says "cancer doctor"? I thought they were called oncologists.

He sure doesn't mind blogging about it for the whole internet to read though.

I knew a lawyer once through a mutual friend, who in fact passed away from breast cancer.

Near the end I asked my lawyer friend if she could help us with a will. She immediately said to me that I would be speaking to the lawyer, not the friend. She takes those matters very seriously and is very professional.

Doctors can take that route too. If someone asks about their profession they can simply defer them to their office.

I was ok with this. I'm sure some will object but you can't please everyone.

mfoy_• 9 years ago

Just because I hate getting down-voted with no replies, I figured I'd break it down for you.

Who says "cancer doctor"? I thought they were called oncologists.

Honestly, so what? Besides, he uses the term oncologist frequently in the article, it's not like he doesn't know...

He sure doesn't mind blogging about it for the whole internet to read though.

He avoids it as a topic of small talk because of how unusually heavy a topic it is. Besides, now he can direct friends and family to the blog post and avoid multiple variations of the same difficult conversation.

Doctors can take that route too.

And he does, more or less... what on Earth was your point? The whole anecdote was actually off-topic and confusing. Are you trying to insinuate that the author isn't professional and/or emotionally tough enough? It comes off that way.

INTPenis2• 9 years ago

No I felt the conclusion was obvious but what's obvious to some might not be for others. So my comment was pretty unnecessary.

uptownfunk• 9 years ago

In some strange way reading this almost motivates me to want to become a "cancer doctor", makes my life feel somewhat mundane.

laurentdc• 9 years ago

Yeah, makes me want to be useful to people in a way they can understand or relate to.

codegeek2• 9 years ago

A lot of us in tech can relate.

Q: What do you do ?

A: I am a Computer Networking Engineer

Q: Sounds great. So you build websites ?

A: Umm not exactly but I am aware of how websites work.

Q: So you can build a website ? Like one of those Godaddy ads ?

A: I can surely help you find someone to build that for you. I am just an IT guy.

Q: Oh you mean IT guy who fixes computers/printers etc ?

A: Kinda. The weather is really great today, isn't it (subject changed)

walrus01• 9 years ago

Q: network engineer?

A: that series of tubes you use, I make sure they don't suck.

tspike• 9 years ago

Q: What do you do?

A: Computer shit. These fires have been crazy huh?

amelius2• 9 years ago

That's nothing:

Q: What do you do?

A: I'm a doctor.

Q: I have this hemorrhoid, could you have a quick look at it?

A: I love this wedding-cake.

taternuts• 9 years ago

Yeah, I'll reluctantly reveal I'm a 'programmer' sometimes, but most the times I'll avoid the question. It's especially true in certain cities, where the first thing people ask you is "Where do you work/What do you do?". DC and SF are terrible with this, and if the wrong person finds out you can program they'll bother you all night with terrible ideas they want you to implement for them when all you want to do is get drunk.

alsetmusic• 9 years ago

I had an eye exam where the receptionist / salesperson read that I worked at Company X on my insurance. As we made polite conversation, I relayed that I worked on Project Y (a popular consumer product). A couple of weeks later, she used my patient info to call my private phone at 6:30am to ask for tech support. I was appalled, but politely informed her that this was inappropriate and how to seek support through the designated channels.

I thought about contacting the office to inform her superiors about the privacy violation, but didn’t. I sometimes wish I had. I always wonder if I dropped an opportunity to protect others from similar abuse of patient records.

rublev• 9 years ago

DC and SF are terrible with this, and if the wrong person finds out you can program they'll bother you all night with terrible ideas they want you to implement for them when all you want to do is get drunk.

So? Take them for an equal ride. It's a lot of fun.

khedoros13• 9 years ago

My wife's former coworker tried to pitch me on her super-secret idea a few years ago, which was basically an AR/VR system. She and her husband were convinced that billions were being left on the table, and that I could write the necessary software and build the necessary hardware solo in just a couple of months.

I got them to stop asking me about it, but I don't think that either of them ever believed my assertion that I wasn't a technology magician.

binarymax• 9 years ago

Q: What do you do?

A: Software Architect

Q: Oh! Great! Can you please fix my laptop?! ...

w0m• 9 years ago

This.

gsich• 9 years ago

Yeah why not. I get paid most of the time when I do this for friends/neighbors/XYZ. Either cash or beer, which is fine.

amelius2• 9 years ago

Not restricted to IT:

Q: What do you do?

A: I'm a physics professor. I'm teaching a thermodynamics class.

Q: That's great! Can you please fix my radiator?

jordanlev• 9 years ago

I am a Computer Networking Engineer
Sounds great. So you build websites ?

That's funny -- I am a web developer, and when people ask what I do I say "I build websites"... which is invariably followed up with "oh so you're a designer".

(Then I follow up with "no, I'm more involved in the plumbing and wiring", and by then they are usually bored).

NotQuantum2• 9 years ago

Coming out of college I was surprised just how big of a separation there is from web designer / developer, since I was so accustomed to doing both for school projects.

ufmace• 9 years ago

I've been responding to this type of thing with "I make websites do things. Send email, show blog posts, that sort of thing."

codegeek2• 9 years ago

yea. I also remember the classic "webmaster" from the 90s and early 2000s.

illegalsmile• 9 years ago

Q: What do you do ?

A: Science

Response: Oh... ok.

You can mostly tell when people are actually engaged in your answer and when they're just making small talk.

ergothus3• 9 years ago

This covers the awkward half of the conversation, but not the "I professionally tell people they are soon going to die" part. He doesn't want to think about it and they don't want him to share that...but they keep digging against any evasion, just as you have posted.

whipoodle2• 9 years ago

I actually do build websites but I don’t really feel the need to have strangers understand my job perfectly. Or at all. “I program computers” or “computer stuff” often works fine.

Mz5• 9 years ago

TLDR:

"The very label I live with causes such Big Feels in anyone who hears me utter those words that it is a huge, exhausting derail to ordinary conversation. So, most of the time, I would rather just not go there. Kaythxbai."

I can relate.

m1n13• 9 years ago

There's a pastor who sometimes answers this question with "I'm a doctor for souls." .... The answer "Pastor" can be a conversation killer.

chrisseaton2• 9 years ago

This is strange - a pastor is a pretty ordinary job and has lots of polite follow-on questions like 'where is your church'. 'Doctor for souls' sounds like you're you're either giving me a nonsense answer for some unknown reason or you're genuinely unhinged. I don't know why it would lead to a better conversation!

m1n13• 9 years ago

There's a lot of people who avoid conversations about religion, especially if they think someone will try to 'convert' them. Edit: "doctor for souls" might invite "what do you mean?"

sigi45• 9 years ago

If there are enough people like me, i can understand why.

I would have to hold back to discuss my views against religion with a pastor.

ergothus3• 9 years ago

As a yankee that moved to the south for a while before retreating to Seattle, I can say that my reaction would vary based on the local culture. There are areas where it seems EVERYONE is a pastor and enough of them are preachy and/or judgmental enough that, yeah, it's a conversation killer. The constant barrage can also make you hypersensitive. I didn't much care until after a few years of living there, but by the time I left the constant "have a blessed day!", the bumper stickers, the billboards, the email signatures (even from state govt employees), most any personal local story in person, in writing, or in news...I mentally flinch if something gets near the topic even though I used to not have much reaction at all.

I imagine 'doctor for souls' is intended to show humor and approachability, but as you say, it would not work that way for me.

brookside• 9 years ago

The answer "Pastor" can be a conversation killer.

As it maybe should be. I'm certainly not denying that people identifying as pastors can offer solace and comfort to people in times of trouble, but they are doing so in the context of mysticism, in a particular form that has been catastrophic for many groups in our society.

toomanybeersies3• 9 years ago

I keep quiet about what I do, even though I'm just an ordinary software developer.

I feel like there are much more interested facets to me as a person. Also, I get tired of all the dumb, ill informed comments people make about my field of work. Goes for any industry I guess.

Also, people assume I can fix their computer.

bananabiscuit• 9 years ago

When people assume I fix computers, I explain to hem that I am actually the one who makes the software that breaks everything in the first place ;)

shoover5• 9 years ago

Heh, more interesting facets as a person is a good way of looking at it. I once had a neighbor address me as, “You’re IT, right?” (She had WiFi questions.) Yes, that is my identity.

Nurses and schedulers always apologize because their systems are slow. In that context I volunteer what I do and apologize back. They appreciate the understanding and it’s fine because they don’t have time or inclination to ask questions.

Mz5• 9 years ago

“You’re IT, right?” (She had WiFi questions.) Yes, that is my identity.

(In an alternate universe:)

Rips shirt open, revealing the letters IT emblazoned across the t-shirt underneath. In deep voice, replies:

"Why yes, yes I am. I attend parties for the sole purpose of rescuing hapless party goers from their IT woes. How may I be of service?!"

drfuchs• 9 years ago

Whenever they apologize for the system being slow, or difficult for them to use, I say "Yeah, you know we program them that way on purpose, as retribution for how we were treated in high school."

fhood• 9 years ago

Fix computer is fine. I frequently get trapped in long conversations with someone who is convinced that solve nearly impossible problem with machine learning is the idea of the century.

hacker_9• 9 years ago

Or you meet the odd developer who then wants to talk your ear off about what tech they use in their stack...

macintux2• 9 years ago

Worse, you have a brother-in-law who has built a few computers and now thinks he knows everything there is to know about them.

j45• 9 years ago

Regarding assumptions of fixing people's computers - I worked in IT many lifetimes ago - I found if I asked people who wanted me to fix their computer to come sit with me for the entire time I would be fixing it to hang out, 95% of the requests disappeared.

My standard advice now is I only support hardware I recommend, and generally, for newbies, the only thing I'll recommend is a Macbook or an iPad which eliminate any and all calls. You can return to being friends and sharing tips about apps and leaving the rest be.

gozur88• 9 years ago

I think telling people you're a family doctor would be worse. Do you really want every every person you meet to try to get free advice on their hemorrhoids?

tyingq2• 9 years ago

I'd just pick a boring synonym that's not a complete lie. "I'm a doctor, I work in the area of cellular kinetics. Boring stuff, really...what do you do?"

geetfun• 9 years ago

I can relate. Having been both a medical doctor (former career) and as an tech-related entrepreneur, I hate telling people what I do, why I left my old job, and if I make any money at all in my new job. No joke, I just tell them I'm a stay at home dad. Anything else would reveal too much and draw too much attention.

fractal6182• 9 years ago

Instead of asking "What do you do?" I like to ask, "What do you like to geek out about?" or "What could you talk about for hours?"

fractal6182• 9 years ago

https://open.buffer.com/27-question-to-ask-instead-of-what-d...

taw-an• 9 years ago

a lot of these questions are awful, but "what do you do for a living" isn't a great question either.

benji-york• 9 years ago

Good ideas.

If it's someone I see semi-regularly, I ask "What's been keeping you busy lately?"

ringaroundthetx• 9 years ago

You just have to find the right answers, but when I change roles it is a new challenge:

I recently started my own thing in the bay area, and no matter what the topic is people say "congratulations" when they find out I'm doing my own startup or the CEO or Co-founder of the operation. I wasn't expecting that, what are you congratulating me for? I get it, people think I have all this capital and earned the ability to take the risk, or have the validation from the backers, and they wish they did. But that just lacks context right now.

ph0rque2• 9 years ago

"So, what do you do?"

"I'm a professional liar. Right now, I am lying about my career".

ryandrake• 9 years ago

I tell people I'm an exotic dancer. It gets a few laughs/breaks the ice, and people don't tend to further probe after that kind of response! :)

gwbas1c• 9 years ago

I wonder if there's a more polite way to deflect the conversation? Perhaps, "I really don't like to talk about my work?"

thoman23• 9 years ago

ITT: A whole lot of people who don't like to talk about what is usually people's favorite subject...themselves.

Now I am off to find a random person to describe my ideal tech stack to before fixing their computer.

mrlyc• 9 years ago

At a motorcycle club party, one of the people there revealed that he was a motorcycle mechanic. Big mistake.

I like solving puzzles so I'm quite happy to fix computers for free for friends, family and my neighbour who is chronically ill. I also volunteer at our local community computer centre.

I did draw the line at fixing them for free for one of the centre's customers. Both he and his wife are working, they have two cars and own their own home so, after spending two four hour sessions at their home, I directed him to one of the commercial home-visiting operations. He has younger-onset dementia so teaching him to use a computer was challenging. He'd forget half of what I showed him and get the other half wrong.

dekhn• 9 years ago

My favorite: "Oh, what do you do?" "I'm a programmer". No interest. Later, "I forgot, what was your occupation again?" "Software Engineer". "Oh, software engineer? That's amazing."

No, it's the same goddamn thing.

woodandsteel• 9 years ago

The author talks about what it is like to be a cancer doctor. I don't think I could take it, and have a lot of admiration for, and gratitude to, those who can.

As for being a conversation-stopper, people are generally making light chat, and they don't want to get into something so heavy. Maybe after you get to know someone better.

todd8• 9 years ago

When asked about what I do, I say “software”; to further clarify that I’ve found that comparing it to the roles in the auto industry helps people understand what you do: manager, engineer, designer, repair person, customizer, etc.

kapauldo• 9 years ago

Except for this article, he keeps quiet.

I Keep Quiet About Being a Cancer Doctor

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