Ask HN: Is it normal to have enemies?

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=11020545

by pedrodelfino • 10 years ago

16 22 10 years ago

news.ycombinator.com

mod2• 10 years ago

I think so, depending on how you define the word.

If it includes "intense dislike," I think most people have those. Exes who cheated on them, friends who did terrible things, etc.

If it means "people you'd go out of your way to cause harm to," then it's probably not as common, but certainly it's not unheard of. My brother has been attacked by 3 men, and harassed by a sheriff (separate incidents) for dating the wrong woman--I imagine things like that are pretty common, though I don't have any in my own personal history.

pedrodelfino2• 10 years ago

"Intense dislike" would be a better definition for the phenomenon that I would like to discuss here. Thanks for pointing out the ambiguity =)

insoluble• 10 years ago

people you'd go out of your way to cause harm to

It should also be pointed out that there are two different directions here. Is an "enemy" someone you would harm, is an enemy someone who would harm you, or must the desire go in both directions? Moreover, in what tense does the problem take place? Perhaps someone harmed you in the past but is no longer trying to harm you. Is that still an enemy? What about someone who is conspiring to harm you, but you don't yet know about the danger. Is that an enemy yet? Another detail to consider is whether a mere competitor, for example an opposing sports team, is an "enemy". The case of intense dislike also possesses some of these specifics.

Edit: Another very important consideration is those who, while not actually trying to harm you, do so indirectly by exploiting you or otherwise trying to control you for their benefit. For example, is a slave owner the enemy of his slaves? If so, then anyone trying to use you without proper concern for your well-being could be considered an enemy.

mod2• 10 years ago

I think you don't have consider a person an enemy just because they consider you one. So in the case of someone you don't know is conspiring against you, I would say of course they're not your enemy--that's something you have to decide. An outside observer could say they were your enemy, if they were privvy to more information.

I don't think an otherwise ambivalent slave owner is the enemy of his slaves. Oppressor or something, yes--but not enemy. Some slave holders were certainly the enemies of their slaves, though.

paulrpotts2• 10 years ago

I think in general, healthy adults should not and usually do not have people they would genuinely describe as "enemies."

I have a couple of exes that, if I see them in public somewhere, make me feel just a bit awkward... our conversations are brief and awkward. But I don't hate them, by any stretch of the imagination.

There are some former bosses and co-workers where things weren't good, they didn't end well, because of a layoff or bad politics in a work situation or being ignored or "thrown under a bus," but again, I wouldn't call it hate. They aren't my enemies. They are just people I'd be very hesitant to want to work with again, or to recommend that anyone work for, or with (although even though I don't think people really change that much, I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt; maybe they are better at it now? I know I am.)

There are politicians I would not shake hands with or sit down to a meal with; people I think should be prosecuted, for their war crimes or corruption. But they aren't my _personal_ enemies.

So... no?

I know there are some people out there who are just really toxic, and will make _you_ their target, or enemy, sometimes for ideological reasons, or toxic family history, or one bad incident when they "flipped a switch" on you and never reconsidered, but I feel like that is their issue, not mine.

meric• 10 years ago

> They are just people I'd be very hesitant to want to work with again

If one day such a person calls you up and ask you out for a coffee, to talk about things, and it's clear they want to clear things up with you, would you go?

paulrpotts2• 10 years ago

Yes -- and actually, that's happened.

kafkaesq• 10 years ago

Sadly, yes. Aside from the mathematical inevitabilities of (large-scale) misunderstandings in human communication, many people seem to have an inner drive which feeds of conflict, and the (perceived) sense of purpose derived from being at loggerheads with others.

Plus that we seem to have been engineered (through evolution) to co-operate most of the time but at other times to split into opposing camps, let violence "solve" the issue, then forget about it and move on, etc.

You might say its how we roll.

pedrodelfino2• 10 years ago

This biological approach makes a lot of sense. I haven't thought about this problem in these terms yet.

shaftway• 10 years ago

I have an enemy. I define that as someone I would go (and have gone) out of my way to harm, but not significantly out of my way, nor harm to the point that legal action could be taken against me.

In my case it's an ex-coworker. He's directly responsible for the worst period of my life. The twisted part is that he has no idea how I feel, which makes retribution more satisfying for me; he has no idea where it's coming from. Only my wife knows how I feel about him.

Generally I don't even think about the fact he exists. It's more of a background thing, when the opportunity presents itself (once every few years), I act.

Is it healthy? Probably not. But it's also not like I spend my time designing schemes to get back at him. Is it normal? Also probably not. But I kinda like having this secret.

ogsharkman• 10 years ago

Maybe you should to talk to him about it? I feel like you need catharsis to move past it/him.

ericzawo• 10 years ago

Agreed. You should plan a method of communication that would both 1) let him know what he means to you 2) let you become at peace with his existence both real and perceived.

debacle• 10 years ago

Certain people will have a lot of enemies (right or wrong), most people may have one or two. I might be concerned if I had none.

accountatwork• 10 years ago

I don't have enemies, but I've made enemies. In both cases, I said something that accidentally publicly embarrassed them, and it seems to have enraged them for life.

They both appear to be angry, unhappy, people much of the time, and I see no reason to return the favor and become unhappy in that particular way myself.

ZeroFries• 10 years ago

I've had temporary enemies. People trying to break up relationships I'm in, for example. People lying and stealing from me. As soon as I cut them from my life (which is almost always the best solution), I try to forget about them and move on.

davismwfl• 10 years ago

I think the answer is you don't get to choose. You cannot choose whether someone thinks of you as an enemy or not. You can choose whether you think of someone as an enemy but not the other way around. I would also say the more introspective you are, and the more you can see other peoples point of view means the less likelihood you will ever call someone your enemy even if they have done you harm at one point.

Is it normal? I think it is normal that if you stand up for anything there will be someone on the other side of the argument standing up just as hard the opposite way. Does this mean they are your enemy? Not in my opinion, but some might characterize it that way. If you make the burden a little less aggressive like you mentioned and say "intense dislike", versus enemy, then I think the number and likelihood goes up considerably, but again the introspective person likely has considerably less people they would intensely dislike.

And in general, with time most "enemies" become less so unless they continue to do you harm or cause you pain. e.g. most of the time you might intensively dislike your ex-wife/husband and it may even go on for a year or a little more, but every month or so it gets a little less etc. The times when it doesn't are usually because the pain is continuing, e.g. you don't cut things off, someone lets a debt go into credit ruining territory 6 months later etc.

ASmith__• 10 years ago

Yes it is normal if you are not a sheeple, if you don't live your life looking almost entirely at your feet and the tiny patch of dirt at your feet to have enemies that despise your expressions, your cloths, your apartment or home, your new cell phone, smart device, girl friend, spouse, job, salary, work ethic, ethics, morality, diction, weight, height, hair color, skin color, smile, eye color, hair or lack of hair, your health, your stamina, your work out ethics, the way you smell, your attractiveness.

These and many more automatically set off those who feel you are better or offensive without you taking any active role whatsoever.

Jealousy, Greed, Corruption whatever the reason or category this happens to everyone that is not a sheeple born in a bubble who look at nothing and nobody but their own feet and the tiny patch of dirt at their feet.

Is it normal to have enemy’s, for non-sheeple its a given that you do, overtly and covertly (known and spoken as well as unknown and unspoken-hidden enemy’s). The deniers simply lack the cognitive functioning to realize it and a weak mental and physical state to cope with themselves accepting that as a 'fact'.

monknomo• 10 years ago

This reads like unhinged paranoid performance art

m0llusk• 10 years ago

Yes. Some misunderstanding causes offense, then future interactions are tainted by what is called motivated observation. Emotions can come into play in many different ways and lend power to this bias driven social tarpit. Reeling out distance as a buffer may help.

trumbitta2• 10 years ago

I have one, maybe a couple more. They chose me, I didn't chose them.

And no, it's not normal. But it might happen to you like it happened to me.

santaclause33• 10 years ago

I certainly have a person or two I would prefer to be erased from existence. People who have hurt the people I love, etc.

trixiehater• 10 years ago

It's natural to have some semblance of enemies, who I define as just someone I don't like and avoid. I have an enemy at work, and even externalized my thoughts via a short story which is excerpted below. Sure, I'm probably crazy, whatever. It's what I'm thinking though would never physically hurt anyone etc. Disclaimer Dissedbanger blah blah

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Trixie is annoying. A product of McNaggity's Orchestral Legacy. "I get what I want because I'm an overly-privileged c* who wafts her verbiage with every shift of her wide-a-arrogance." An arrogant bh who is 10X louder than she should be visible.

To her co-workers, she is Over-the-Top, outstandingly Jump-out, Smack-Dab Personality-Driven.

Even her cheeks are Ruddy Apples, a holdover from a Norman Rockwell/John Wayne Gacy Clown Painting Gone-Wrong. A typical Do-Goody Bh, Psycopathic Tendencies of course, a given.

Honestly, Frank (the truth) just wished she were quieter, like not having to hear her loudlaugh-borderline-barkpant bh bwo-mo-curlie-Annie, Tomorrow-Tomorrow "Holler-Hybrid". No bh, not everyone in the office really wants to hear about your disgusting ugly-toddler version of yourself adapting to diapers. Like seriously, it's insulting to listen to your toddleress' shing.

If the Aenima were true, Frank (the truth) thought, internally he must have long ago beat this archetype-bh over the head with a brick and threw her to the wolves only to later beat an elephant to death while shouting her good riddance.

Ask HN: Is it normal to have enemies?

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