time_management

"Even when romantic love is not linked with reproduction, this passion can provide a teen or young adult with some exceptional personal and social benefits, including exhilarating joy, increased energy and optimism, feelings of intimacy, self-esteem, inclusion in health-giving social groups, exercise, social and personal support, and crucial practice in the skills of building a long-term partnership—skills they will need to make the most important social contract of their reproductive lives." (Emphasis mine.)

You missed that inconvenient detail, didn't you? Romantic love and casual sex are mutually exclusive. (I'm railing against casual sex, not all premarital sex; if the latter, I'd be a hypocrite.)

Women may be particularly vulnerable to falling in love with a casual sex partner because seminal fluid also contains dopamine and tyrosine, a building block of dopamine (Burch & Gallup, in press). Although these chemicals do not pass across the blood-brain barrier, elevated activities of dopamine and tyrosine may affect brain physiology through other complex interactions. In fact, people report that sex can lead to romantic love. The natives of rural Nepal even use an off-color term for this phenomenon, saying "Naso pasyo, maya basyo," or "the penis entered and love arrived" (Ahearn, 1998).

Once again, this biological link between lust and romantic love is not direct or simple. Athletes who inject synthetic androgens to build muscle do not fall in love. When middle-aged men and women inject androgens or apply testosterone cream to stimulate their sex drive, their sexual thoughts and fantasies increase (Sherwin & Gelfand, 1987; Sherwin, Gelfand, & Brender, 1985). But neither do these individuals become enamored.

Nevertheless, the chemical interactions between testosterone and dopamine and the chemical changes that accompany sexual arousal suggest that those who engage in sexual intercourse are more likely to fall in love; their threshold for this passion is lowered. And women who engage in sex without a condom may be even more susceptible to romantic passion. Hence teens and young adults who pursue "casual sex" with a friend or stranger can become enamored with their sexual partner even when they have no intention of beginning a romance.

Lust Can Trigger Attachment

Sexual activity can also trigger the brain system for attachment. In humans, orgasm elevates the activity of oxytocin and vasopressin (Carmichael et al., 1987; Young et al., 1998); and these neuropeptides are associated with attachment in people and other animals (Wang, Ferris, & DeVries, 1994; Williams et al., 1994" Young et al., 1998). ' B Hence, teenagers who engage in casual sex can trigger the brain system for attachment (as well as that for romantic love), leading to complex, unanticipated emotional entanglements with psychologically and socially unsuitable mating partners." (Emphasis mine.)

In other words, casual sex hacks the brain system, by aping at least some of the biochemical signature of romantic love. Of course, in most cases, it's not romantic love but a shallow infatuated attachment. In any case, it's not good for you.

Honestly? No. You've already run the score up against yourself without my help. It would be mean-spirited for me to visit any additional harm upon you, emotional or otherwise. I'm done with this dispute.

You have no idea what my religious beliefs are, douchebag.

My objection to this sort of behavior isn't religious. It's that I value the preservation of civilization, and I have a real problem with a bunch of self-absorbed thugs who are trying to fuck it all up. It took thousands of years to get to a society even approaching one where men and women could relate on loving and mutually respectful terms, and the casual sexers want to throw all this progress away within one generation.

I'm duly disgusted. Great job. IHBT.

I know you're not long for subtlety, but many words have more than one definition. From the elusive and esoteric Dictionary.com:

Notice definition 1.

la⋅dy    /ˈleɪdi/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [ley-dee] Show IPA noun, plural -dies, adjective –noun 1. a woman who is refined, polite, and well-spoken: She may be poor and have little education, but she's a real lady. 2. a woman of high social position or economic class: She was born a lady and found it hard to adjust to her reduced circumstances. 3. any woman; female (sometimes used in combination): the lady who answered the phone; a saleslady. 4. (Used in direct address: often offensive in the singular): Ladies and gentlemen, welcome. Lady, out of my way, please. 5. wife: The ambassador and his lady arrived late. 6. Slang. a female lover or steady companion. 7. (initial capital letter) (in Great Britain) the proper title of any woman whose husband is higher in rank than baronet or knight, or who is the daughter of a nobleman not lower than an earl (although the title is given by courtesy also to the wives of baronets and knights). 8. a woman who has proprietary rights or authority, as over a manor; female feudal superior. Compare lord (def. 4). 9. (initial capital letter) the Virgin Mary. 10. a woman who is the object of chivalrous devotion. 11. (usually initial capital letter) a. an attribute or abstraction personified as a woman; a designation of an allegorical figure as feminine: Lady Fortune; Lady Virtue. b. a title prefixed to the name of a goddess: Lady Venus. –adjective 12. Sometimes Offensive. being a lady; female: a lady reporter. 13. of a lady; ladylike; feminine. Origin: bef. 900; ME ladi(e), earlier lavedi, OE hlǣfdīge, hlǣfdige, perh. orig. meaning “loaf-kneader,” equiv. to hlāf loaf + -dīge, -dige, var. of dǣge kneader (see dough; cf. ON deigja maid); see lord

www.helenfisher.com/downloads/articles/17brokeheart.pdf

Pwn'd.

Women who have casual sex have a way of not being able to get married, and many of them discover that it's something that they actually did want to do, eventually. Funny, that. Thus they spend their 40s breaking into tears every time a school bus passes by.

Trust me that I don't think anyone is jealous of a woman who lost her virginity at 14.

Such comments wouldn't be hurtful-- or "assholish" to use your phrase-- if she didn't know she had done something wrong.

They're both deviant behaviors looked down upon by the mainstream for the permanent emotional harm they cause to the people involved.

You'll never compare up to the best of 20 other guys -- and if you think you have to, you don't understand what having a relationship means.

This is where I have to remain idealistic. I'd much rather have no relationship at all than one in which the woman's constantly pining for some other guy.

In any case, I'd dump a girl on the spot if I found out she'd had 20 partners, so that particular example's not very relevant to me.

Alpha male "badboys" become rapists because they feel entitled to whatever they see. Mike Tyson's behavior in 1991 is an example of this: the man was rich and famous, but did it anyway because he was arrogant.

A man who is successful in getting lots of casual sex stops seeing women as people, and starts seeing them as objects to be "acquired". At this point, bad behavior is likely to ensue.

They are ladies, by definition they act ladylike.

Lady is a proper subset of woman. Look the word up.

At least I didn't fuck up my life in the first year of high school.

I meant the book, not the review, but good call. Okay, another one:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1031259/Casual-sex...

I can keep doing this, you know, given the enormous amount of research that's on my side.

You may be right-- you're older and more experienced than I am-- but I wouldn't be inclined to take the risk. All considered, I don't think I could marry a woman with a history of casual sex when there might be someone out there who is just as good and doesn't have that kind of history.

Start here: http://www.crosswalk.com/news/commentary/11601061/

It's the first cite I found, but if that's not religion-neutral enough for you, I can find plenty more.

Sex causes the release of hormones such as oxytocin. Most people aren't capable, especially when young, of having sex with someone, never seeing that person again, and being okay with the experience.

Some things are unacceptable, though. Casual sex is one of them.

Would you marry an ex-child molester? Assume he claimed to be reformed, and that he didn't do it anymore, and that it was something he only did when he was intoxicated and "caught up in the moment" (whatever that means).

Obviously, the reasonable answer is no. Nobody wants to marry someone who's done something like that in his or her past. Experiences and past behaviors matter.

Now you understand how normal men feel about casual sex.

A woman who can't be satisfied by one man is not going to "settle" for the best guy out of N available. She's going to date one and fuck the others on the side.

Just sounds like your whole strategy for winning the beautiful babies is to deny them the information they need to make an informed decision.

No. I think women would she able to make informed decisions, but I also think they ought to be ladylike, resolute, and discriminate, rather the enabling the asshole alphas who go on to become rapists. Also, a woman who has had a lot of casual sex is simply not going to be emotionally stable enough for a long-term relationships.

You have a point here. What I found (in general) is that if a generation is poor they will generally be hard-working. That generation and their children will generally have good qualities. But if a few generations are fairly well off they will start getting bad qualities – people start to think that they are entitled to everything and do not have to work for it.

I don't know how strongly it correlates to being wealthy. There are poor people who feel entitled (consider the subprime debacle and the massively inflated house prices in much of the country ca. 2007) and rich people who don't take anything for granted. It has more to do with culture than wealth.

In a few years you get the situation that kids drive to school in their cars, watch Paris Hilton programs and start to have sex at 14.

The car thing is just the status quo in the US; almost everyone has a car, because so many places lack public transportation. I drove to school in a car, but a used one.

As for feminism – it is a good idea, but the pendulum swung too far to the one side.

I think the nasty elements of "feminism" actually have nothing to do with feminism. For example, Sex and the City is not feminist in the least. Women should be allowed to have careers, should make pay equal to that of men, and shouldn't be looked down upon if they decide not to marry. However, glamorizing a rather crass lifestyle that most normal people would find unfulfilling does nothing for the feminist cause.

People are not sex-crazed, ravenous beasts out to rape each other to death the instant the gate drops.

Not all, but I'm just going to say that, if I had kids, I wouldn't let them anywhere near you.

Why would anyone want to control such a joyous thing?

Casual sex does lasting emotional harm to most people who participate. Stop trying to sell it as joyous just because it would suit you better if college freshmen fell more easily to cheesy lines about sakura blossoms.

What the hell kind of fucked-up childhood did you have that rendered you qualified to dispense sex-ed advice at 14? Don't answer this. I really don't want to know.

It's not about "better" or "worse". It's about the fact that a woman who's been with too many guys starts wanting to "have it all", even on traits that are contradictory (e.g. she wants the brutish alpha and the sensitive guy, even though they never occur in the same person) and can never be satisfied by one man, no matter how good he is.

False. People don't have drunken hookups because they love each other. They do it because the alcohol has obliterated what little self-control they had in the first place.

Casual sex is not "the art of love". It has nothing to do with love.

bullshit. this is exactly what you wanted to happen. a soapbox for your insecurity.

No. I wanted to see an honest discussion about handling relationships in a way that improves, rather than diminishes, one's productivity.

rather than hatred for your viewpoint, maybe people think you suck because you're making posts about penis size on "hacker news."

The conversation didn't start out that way. However, I felt like a lot of people didn't "get" why large volumes of casual sex are bad, so I got explicit in my description of the harmful effects.

Women's tastes in men, in most of the world, are a lot more refined than they are in the US. Women overseas tend to make their own decisions about whom they consider attractive, rather than conferring with their friends.

I have traveled enough to have observed this distinction, and it's striking. The cultures are very different. In most of the world, nerds are not unpopular; nerds are cool.

It wasn't my intention for this topic to spread from the original topic to this.

I'm surprised that there is such hatred for a not-out-of-the-ordinary viewpoint.

6 hours later...

Wow, I didn't expect this thing to fly so far off-topic. That was not my intention.

I'm glad to see that you've resorted to personal attacks. Perhaps it's because you secretly know that you're doing something wrong, and I'm striking a nerve.

If it matters, I actually have had a fairly satisfying love life. However, I've never saw fit to fill my single spells with the heartless and self-serving debasement of women. Not that my personal life is any of your business, but I thought you should know.

Your behavior (if it's anything like what you espouse online) is digging you into a deep hole. Enjoy being unable to find a worthwhile partner for the long term, and dying alone.

I hear phrases like "quality men", "quality women", "quality dating partners", et cetera, quite often and have never taken these terms to be sexist. "Quality person", in this case, is shorthand for "one who has the desired personal qualities for the relevant context". In this case, the relevant context is a romantic relationship.