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iwant2endmyself

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That right there is what I am talking about! You at least tried to create something, it failed because of other factors, not your intellect; it may have failed bcoz it ain't easy to promote a dating site without (VC) money.

I did not want to reveal this because I feel very ashamed even thinking about it: you are probably at worst a decent programmer who makes decent money working as a developer/engineer. There were two different fields I have been really interested in: Physics/Chem and Technology. With Physics/Chemistry, I tried to learn the fundamentals well, even bought a kit to experiment with, but due to a combination of not putting enough effort, erroneously thinking I can start learning later and still be better than others due to my misguided thinking that I was smarter (lol), and many times not being able to understand a lot of abstract scientific concepts that are important fundamentals, I was unable to become adept or good at Science. Moving on to tech, the same thing happened with me procrastinating, not putting in enough effort and finding it difficult to learn to code and understand technical concepts. Even little kids are able to code cool shit up and here I am not able to be consistent or smart enough to ever become good at it! I have always felt there was something off about me, my intellect, dexterity and ability to understand the world. I consoled myself by daydreaming and thinking I was smarter and can become better by working hard but I never did the hard work. Now, when I look back, I can clearly how badly dumb I was and am.

People consider me lazy, don't know about stubborn. I have this aversion to doing anything productive or intellectually demanding even if I want to.

Also, I am unable to adapt to suit the situation (social or otherwise) which is troubling since adaptability is a fundamental trait of human capability.

I guess a therapist is the only way for me to get out of this lifelong funk I have been in, because my conscientiousness is non-existent and no matter how much I try, I will make the same mistakes again.

I really appreciate your praise but writing doesn't determine intellect or cognitive capabilities. And either way, LLMs have made writing redundant which means it's not something that is a good sign of human creativity or intelligence.

Not from the States, so haven't attempted those.

I don't think I am depressed, since this has been me for more than a decade since I was a child. I may sound depressed because I can finally understand how dumb I am and I don't like it at all and the predicament I am in now.

My tendency to be a victim of the Dunning Kruger Effect and constant repeating of the same mistakes points to an intelligence deficit. I have tried using both anger and discipline multiple times in the past to change and improve myself but it has never worked long enough, it always fails. So, I definitely need external help.

I don't think I need a therapist as I don't really plan/want to end myself. If I had a time machine and there was no grandfather paradox, I would make sure I won't exist but since that's impossible, I am looking to find whatever methods, experimental, surgical, whatever to eliminate what I also hope are just impediments and not an absence of intellect. I need to find someone who can tell me if my problems have solutions.

If I am smart, I can fulfill my goals, excel academically and professionally, be able to deal with life and become rich.

Even I have a bad memory but am not a fast learner or quick thinker which I think are essential and a good indicator of "intelligence" and success. The other huge problem is, even for things I am interested in learning, I am not able to be consistent or am unable to properly learn it.

I am from a place where you need to be smart to have a decent life, there is no security net or other support. It's everyone for themselves. Regardless of that, I have had aspirations from when I was little that I want to fulfill but it seems I lack the intellect and all other qualities to accomplish them. So yes, if I was smarter, I would be much happier.