hestipod

You cannot even see what you are doing and are proving my point perfectly. You invalidate and minimize what I say. You turn it into something lesser to dismiss. You excuse the things I say bother me. You say it's MY fault there is no help because I am not LETTING that help happen...which is ironically classic and well studied victim blaming.

I am done. I am not going to continue to go back and forth. No matter what I say or do there is reason to interrogate, invalidate, blame. Nothing is every enough for anyone and every answer leads to more questions and more positioning to dismiss. I know you don't agree...don't "believe"...it doesn't matter. For you this is an opportunity to win a debate or show you are smarter or better. That's what people do. My only mistake is beating my head against that same wall of human ego because I am in pain and want to make noise to relieve it.

"The problem" is always the victim...never the people doing the victimization. This just reinforces that I said and believe. People don't see others as living, feeling humans. They are means to an end and if they don't "contribute to the discussion" in the way they want then they are invalidated. It's one thing to leave people be, it's another to actively push down irl or with voting. It's saying "you don't matter and what you say and do annoys/bothers/irritates me and I need to demonstrate that". I cannot understand such a selfish mindset. But it's my mistake for continuing to believe people are going to be different. Every psychologist etc I have seen has said that most people never grow past the ego driven, narcissistic child phase of emotional maturity, no matter how "intelligent" or "successful" they appear they just cannot have empathy or care about others as emotional beings like them.

If I laid out details...which I have done many times...those details would be ignored, picked apart, invalidated, twisted...and nothing good happens. Occasionally a good soul reaches out and offers support of some sort...but only once in my life has that ever been actionable and beyond "I understand and that sucks". I know it offends people...and I don't even care anymore...but most people are in it entirely for themselves as I have said. Everything they do and say is for their own emotional and physical need and even their seemingly good actions toward others is self serving. My mistake was believing the few mentors and good examples of loving human beings I have been fortunate to know were not unicorns and were just people I had to get out in the world and find. But unicorns they were/are. I learned after my suicide attempt how even when things are at their worst people will still punch down, betray, lie, abuse, cheat, and step on you for their own needs. They prevent people from opting out of life because that scares and angers them...but they refuse to do whats needed to allow those people in need to survive. They just keep you in a nice smoldering fire because that's best for them. But since I AM a feeling human being I cannot just accept it and suffer the fire...I get upset and lash out and speak out...and it just stokes the flames and I regret it. Cannot win...can only hurt.

Surgery ruined my life and will be the cause of it's end. I was scared into having surgery I didn't need and told if I did not I would be crippled by middle age. Multiple opinions got multiple variations on what should be done but I was too young and inexperienced to know better. It stole everything from me and has caused so much physical and mental pain as I tried to survive it and society and people turned their backs on me. Then when I became the very thing I was told to fear in all ways...and there was no way out...I tried to end my life and even THAT was denied me and now its all worse.

People love to talk about "worth the risk and cost" etc when they have no TRUE idea what the risk and cost are. People love to justify, explain, defend those who do the damage and love to blame, demean, and ignore those who suffer it. Nice little just world package to feel safe and smart. I wish I had never gone to a doctor and I wish I had known the realities of medical mistake frequency and unneeded surgery instead of the whitewashed nonsense that is sold.

Even now...post suicide attempt...the system and people are just proving what I believed was true all along...but being correct doesn't bring me any solace or pain relief.

*I understand it's bad form to complain about voting...but when your life is so painful and full of invalidation by family, society, and "professionals" even a person pushing a button to further invalidate you hurts and just reinforces what you believe about ego and selfishness in others. Being "right" or in control is always more important than others to most people. I just cannot fathom the thinking of kicking someone who is down over their experience or a generalized comment. Even if I disagreed with someone I wouldn't do that.

I guess I just feel hopeless because I cannot manage things on my own anymore, like I used to when life was good, and I cannot find enough help to survive. I have been failed over and over by systems and people and saying that is used as something being wrong with ME. Admittedly a couple of very rare times I have failed to grab on to a helping hand out of fear and situations making things worse, and I don't know if those things would have worked or not, and those rare instances seem to paint me in an even worse light as someone who is beyond help and NEVER acts or does the right thing even though that isn't true, but mostly there isn't any help. That's why I ended up where I am. People seem to think they would always be capable of finding a way out...I thought so too...the reality is different. I wish I had succeeded in leaving this world because I see no way to survive in it that is accessible to me. I'd be getting social assistance in most first world countries. I am angry, alone, in pain, exhausted, and hopeless...and that annoys and offends and I understand why but it still hurts. Just have no idea what to do...feel adrift and hopeless in a way I never imagined possible.

I am quite sure SOME people are scared, but I wish they'd try anyway...at least have the discussion of options. In my experience in life most people just don't care, are in it to win it, and others are just pieces on the board.

Yes there are many people as bad or sadly even worse off than me. That doesn't lift or make me feel any better...it makes me feel bad for them and hate the system even more. I also don't have the energy or health to be much of a supporter when I need to be supported. Drowning guy isn't the person to advocate for water safety...he is trying not to go totally under. I do give what I can of myself to a couple close people and it's already too much for me. I am not scared to help...I don't have any resources to help and am sinking myself.

Is caffeine any different? I went 40 years without it but started when I had a need for some energy as life was so bad. I tried to quit after two years and had 30 days + of migraines that never left of abated so I went back on it. I want off but I am not in a position to have MORE pain and headaches now as life has collapsed. I wish I had never had a coffee. The small boost and bowel regularity are benefits, but the dependence is miserable. Even getting off a cup a day is super painful for me and I have read I am not alone...but people who aren't as affected think its ridiculous.

I find the lowest settings on any phone I have tried too loud with any headphones or bluetooth device. I gave up trying. Even in a normal room its painfully loud. Per your username I do have tinnitus also and some minor hearing loss but not massive. No idea why this is so miserable.

Unfortunately changing my circumstances is the only thing that matters and could save me. Just being heard and my feelings validated isn't enough. But for some human emotional reason I am screaming out all the way to the impact.

I am not asking for help. There is no "right place to ask for help". It's been made clear over 15 years that won't happen. Not the help I need. I am venting when a relevant topic comes up.

"Suicide isn't the answer" is the sort of platitude I mean. It is an answer. It solves the problems I am suffering. I am so tired of people who haven't slogged anywhere near as painfully and as long as I have telling me what is worth it or what I HAVE to do. People who don't understand at all what it's like or try and relate their relatively smaller issues or survivable resources and health to "knowing suffering". Everything you have said is to reinforce your own beliefs and comforts. It doesn't help me at all. Lest I sound ungrateful...I appreciate people trying...but it doesn't work or help and people and systems won't do what is required. My country has decided social systems are bad and wrong and denied me that assistance and Maslow's basic needs. I know I am worth it. I didn't cause any of this. I am a victim and that's a dirty word. Being angry about it is "wrong". Nobody arrives where I am because they have choices. It's a last desperate jump so the fire doesn't burn you up...even though you know you will fall and splat...to paraphrase DFW.

I'm happy to take the help to live...it's not there. It's "entitled" of me. It's me not "trying hard enough" whilst I am burning up. Everyone for themselves with the exception of a tiny few...and I've not had enough of those people in my life since this happened to me.

I feel trapped by this because I cannot count on others to make the best decision..or right decision ethically and for decency...seems they choose to make the best for THEM at my expense. My life was ruined by medical errors. I was told to "trust the professionals" and when I did they damaged me and took from me, then the systems and people meant to help when that happens refused. Family bailed. Years and years of this culminated in a suicide attempt recently that failed due to intervention, and those same professionals and family ignored my documented wishes to be let go and "saved" me into a worse situation with even more needs and less to no help. They don't care about me at all...just the best decision for THEIR feelings.

I'd love to live...have wanted to the entire time...but people can only take so much. I had one great chance a couple years ago, only one in all this time, and more health issues and my fear of suffering more caused me to lose that. There isn't enough help...people just take more and ignore and throw platitudes. What all of this life has taught me is 99% of people are in it entirely for themselves and how I lived and what I believed in was naive and stupid. So the best decision for me now is to get out of this shit world but I am not even allowed to do that. Just more nonsense and symptom covering...never root cause solutions. There is no lifeline...no support...just rationalization and calculus devaluing my life. "Best decisions".

I was recently hospitalized for a suicide attempt due to years of chronic pain and depression as a result. I was not allowed to die. I get no help to live after being dumped back out when "stable" medically. I was not allowed any visitors due to the virus and it was very detrimental to my mental health. Now I am here alone trying to piece together a future. Nobody revolted...and I am powerless to. Frustrates me so much there wasn't help to live...but I am told I have to. Trapped in a room with no doors or windows and on fire. I don't see this "help" everyone says there is to get. Just people wanting thousands of dollars from me that I cannot pay for nonsense.

This can be heavy and I need to talk about it but feel it runs people off, but I had a recent suicide attempt resulting from years of chronic pain and increasing isolation. I am not getting enough help or support. The relevance is how you mentioned you miss face to face and as I sit here alone trying to recover I see how terrible an effect the increasing isolation has had on me. But I live rural with no support network and no options. Looking back it's why I was far better mentally in a city. People need people...even the introverts. I don't fit in politically locally, cannot find support online. Even healthy and wealthy people get down when all alone.

I am really not. It's been bad for a long time in various ways, but to cap it off I had a suicide attempt in the past weeks as things just fell out from under me. Now I have to try and recover from that, with all the same problems, plus new ones, amidst the virus's effects. Great timing. I am not a developer, but could do proofreading etc but there just aren't many opportunities for someone like me and in my situation. I am trying to believe in a future but it's difficult. I had a great, accomodative opportunity a while back that health and my failure to just tough things out let pass, seems for good, and I fear nothing like that will ever come again. I regret every moment not just going and working in that pain but I was terrified I would fail. Now I have actually "failed at life" completely, local "help" is horrible, and I have no idea what I will do. People don't want to bother with broken folks on the best of days...I fear I have permanently ruined any possible future with this desperate act...ironically putting things right back in the quicksand again.

I would love to go for a long walk or better run. I have a disability, one of the things that led to this act, that makes walking very painful so I shuffle around short distances often outside to try and get sunshine. It really does help. But I live rural so no other people. Listening to Satie now and just ate an Andes Mint...no dark around. I am trying. Fighting. I am just losing again after already losing one and botching that. At the time I need the most support and love, I have the least. The ironies of my life keep hitting.

I appreciate the well wishes. I am really struggling hence the post. I don't see myself making it like this, but am being hemmed in with no options. I really want a path and a life. I have burned out most of the people who seemed to care at all because things just don't get better and they can't stand constant failure and loss. A couple people who truly love me will be there to the end...but they are far away and have their own great struggles so I cannot lean to hard on them.

I feel like this was just a pause and the weight of it all will crush me again any way. I really need better doctors, some mental care, and a social network. I failed to capitalize on the most recent chance out of fear since everything keeps failing so I messed it up by trying to do it right instead of just doing it. Lesson learned too late. Don't see another chance happening.

I want a life so badly...this experience just proved it to me...but I think I am out of people and roads. I regret letting my fears and bad past get in the way of great hopes. I ruined them because I didn't have enough sense and awareness. Lesson learned too late. Now I feel pushed right back to the dark place and ending it. So terrifying and angering. I don't deserve this...nobody does. We all just want safety and love for ourselves and families.

I loved living in Warsaw. I have been trying to get back there for some time now but things just keep falling apart. Because of my health and associated losses I jut cannot do it alone or normally, and there is zero chance applying for asylum would be successful. I know to many Poles that sounds absurd. It wasn't paradise, the grass wasn't really "greener", it was just home to me in a way I cannot explain and my heart and those I loved were left there. Instead I end in rural American hell...which is just the perfectly wrong place.

I've written several of these of late. They just come out angry. Maybe at the last minute there will be some beauty. But considering who is around me to read them it's almost a waste of said beauty. The anger is more apt.

-

I don't need to "talk". I need practical support. I don't need words. I need money and a flat and stability and medical care. The same things I have always needed and was always denied. I've called hotlines in some dark times and they were useless. Most are just call centers for private clinics and try to get you into a paying facility. Everyone I know who has ever called them had the same experiences. Some were even betrayed and had authorities sent to their homes resulting in imprisonment in a mental facility and massive bills making their financial problems even worse. Nothing people think they "know" intuitively about suicidal people or the "options" we have is correct. Most things they do make it worse. To help you have to solve root problems...and root problems cost money and take commitment of time and energy. That's too much bother for people so they hand out pills and hotlines.

Yep. And, ironically since greed and profits ruined my life and stole my future, the only thing that will change that at this point is a lot of money to buy survivable conditions and be able to try treatments and options and have the basics of life. My magical wishes would be a new body in a world without capitalistic greed and egos, but in this world with those things the only thing that could save me is the thing that ruined me...because that's the game. And since no system would help me, and family has abandoned, blamed, and ignored me, and there is no money tree to pluck down piles of cash from. Flipping the switch off before even THAT becomes physically/situationally impossible for me is the only choice. Not like I want it...but I want to live in this pain and this place and with this deplorable quality of life less.

Yeah I am one of those people in many of the ways you have listed so the "we should appreciate how lucky we are" thing doesn't really apply to me. I am not lucky. I was disfigured, disabled, left in severe pain. I do not have a loving family or social support. I lost everything I worked hard for. That's the entire problem...there is no hope or help or luck. I am really an idiot for ever speaking about this because it's always those sort of scripts, or criticism, or hopes and prayers...the one thing that would help people who have it this bad...time and money...aren't something people are willing to spend. I need to stop expressing myself at all because the same old same old is just upsetting. Desperation makes you a fool and causes you to beat your head against the walls closing in on you even though all it does it make it hurt more.

Nothing. All the conventional things, the things people are posting here repeatedly. I don't have. I either never had them like truly loving family, or they were taken from me like health and security. There were a handful of wonderful people but they are all gone while the shit ones thrive. There was a career helping others and making the world a better place, but that was taken too. Even the one thing I actually care about anymore, my cat, is a double edged sword because she has brought me much joy, and I have done my best for her, but I cannot give her the future she deserves because I cannot even survive my own. I can only hope the people in my life who never do the right thing will this time do the right thing by her and my legal directives. None of it was worth the 95% of my life that was pain and misery. The only good thing is that it will end soon...and that's just bittersweet rather than some comfort. It was all a great disappointment...people mostly so.

I don't know what you are on about or doing...the post you took down was full of insults and retorts to things I didn't say and simply wrong about me. It was cruel and projecting. You said several strange and aggressive things like I should stop pretending I care at all about other people, the planet, or animals...no idea where that came from nor is it true in any way. You said several untrue things what were oddly blaming. Now you say you weren't wrong and meant it and aren't sorry. I am just not dealing with that anymore from anyone, anywhere. I shouldn't have replied at all to begin with as I saw this coming. Take whatever shots you need to. None of it matters anymore. Goodbye.

I am a fool who can't help but read things hoping something good happens even when I am so upset I want to stomp out to have SOME control of SOMETHING. So I read your long reply before you edited it. I won't tear it down because you DID remove it. I just want you to know that's the kind of thing my family does...strangers have done...the unfair and wrong beliefs about me. It's only hopes and prayers, blame like that, and ONE actionable offer that life took away in 15 years. I am sorry it's so bad for you too. I am glad you have social assistance as a foundation. Everyone should have that net and it's what I most need and not having that is why I am so distraught and angry. I have always lived a life caring about the world, other people...animals (I spend part of my meager income on a cat that was one of 12 or so from 3 litters my family never cared for properly and never spayed/neutered and all died/disappeared from their garage but her, and I took her to the vet and make sure she is cared for since they don't seem to care half the time...having to adopt her out in the end is a great stress for me because I cannot guarantee her future with me here or not)...and proved it in my actions. Always. That I am falling to pieces now and cannot even manage myself doesn't invalidate any of that.

It's too late to edit and I need to just not read or post anything anymore since it never helps and makes me more depressed and angry seeing how true my assessment of the world is. But I couldn't stop worrying I made you feel bad should have expounded on my first sentence in my last reply. You have been there kindly since my first post here. I appreciate that. You are clearly a good human being. That's just not enough and it feels like anything I say to well meaning but ultimately unhelpful advice either makes me seem ungrateful, unwilling, or deserving of this decline. None of that is true but you can only take so much, only explain so much. Only refute so much. That always results in people giving up on you as if that's your fault. And I don't mean giving up on being nice...if niceness was enough I would be ok because I know some nice people. But they give up on anything that would really help. I am not setting any artificial deadlines...they keep making threats...and I live every day wondering when the hammer will drop. I have tried to prepare things so I CAN leave if an opportunity arises but so much is still wrong, lacking, and accessible. I have no agency here but to suffer...or end the suffering...and if they kick me out even that becomes harder with less options. I can't live like that on top of everything else.

And I am sorry if my pain and desperation made it sound personal. I have always been a "helper" and hyper empathetic so a big psycholgical part of my problem is NOT being able to do anything useful for those in need and raging at the injustice all around. But I can't help anyone else if I cannot help myself. I think you for the well meaning...but that's not enough anymore.

I think this is the last post I am going to make because I find myself feeling nothing but anger, resentment, defensiveness as even well meaning people don't get it and keep saying things I feel I have to explain and justify because for some reason I still care about proving I am not a jerk, crazy, wrong somehow and fighting the idea that this is my fault or I am not doing enough or I somehow failed. I did not. I was failed.

There is support out there for people who truly want things >to change.

A lifetime of experience tells me otherwise. What is out there is insufficient. I don't need promises of a brighter future. I don't need cheerleading. I don't need vague ideas of what should be or what someone believes can be. I need practical realities now.

Do you not at least want to find out if you could have made >a difference?

This is deeply offensive and makes me want to scream. I DID make a difference in the ways I could. I spent my life helping in my work and doing what I could in my personal life. I walked the talk of social issues. I was ethical and honest. That I am now needing help, needing rescue rather than being the rescuer. You don't ask a drowning person to hold up a sign as they go under to highlight the dangers of swimming in the ocean. That I don't have the bandwidth to add MORE work and stress to an already overwhelmed life does not diminish that. I did my part.

End of line.

A broken, broke, barely breathing husk who doesn't have the energy for basic tasks often cannot be an activist. I don't have the ability to do that in addition to surviving. While I agree with social democracy I am not someone who is in a position to fight politics. My stress coping ability is paper thin. My basic needs are in constant threat and shortage. It also will not change here in time for me. My only chance is getting help and moving. I am not throwing my life away...others did that. This country and its capitalistic nightmare ruined my life. I need away from it in the way I need away from my narcissistic, cruel family. I'd happily accept a reprieve...a way out...I am not wanting any of this. But I am not throwing away life by refusing to hurt more and more physically and mentally...that's not life.

You have been kind from the very beginning, but the sort of open ended questions and wishful thinking is rage inducing and makes me feel like a bad person and makes people turn on your harder when they upset you.

"Surely there is...why don't you just....there has to be...that sounds terrible what would help?" etc NEVER F^%#$ HELP! They are vague, obvious, useless advices or ideas. Things I have usually made directly clear I have done. The direct answers to needs are never heard. You answer questions and nothing...like it was all just to satisfy someone's curiosity. People give you absurdly obvious "advice" they have never enacted, and certainly not in such circumstances, and then tut when you don't accept it or it doesn't work. The truth is there have been many systems and people who could have helped...really helped...and they said "no". THEY decided that not me. I had my agency stolen.

Yes I have PTSD amongst many issues but that like the rest has been scoffed at and said to be "playing victim" or whatever other excuse. Yes the judges, "advocates, doctors etc have mostly been shit but people won't accept that because it's easier to say it's my fault and pretend that it was just an edge case and would never happen to them. I am NOT setting a deadline....THEY are!!!! I have no idea when the threats and drama will appear again or when they will be realized. I live in constant fear of it and have been pointlessly F&^%# screaming HELP ME for years now. The ONE, MAYBE actionable plan was derailed by MORE BAD THINGS. I need support....stability....it's not coming. It never comes. It's like some trickster god is playing with me seeing how far he can push me. And when you say "I CANNOT DO THIS ANYMORE" you get "hopes and prayers". I wish I had never made this F&%^# account or ever talked to anyone about this as it just brings more pain on already unsurvivable pain. F&%%& everything.

It's not freedom to "accept" being permanently and worsenginly sick and homeless or constantly living under that threat. It's not freedom to "accept" being in severe pain every day. It's not freedom to be in the "present" in those situations. Freedom is having positive choices, agency, hope. This stuff is nothing more than a psychological trick that I cannot sustain to say "I am powerless and this sucks but that's ok" and I will be some stone in the water or other bollocks. It's not ok and I will not keep living like that. I refuse. I don't WANT life to end but I cannot and will not live a life that's nearly 100% terrible and since the real and practical options to survive are denied there is no other path. I am not buddha and I reject that I HAVE to stay alive in this condition. I don't need something to do...something to study...as if I just lack purpose. Telling a drowning and tortured person to get a hobby or be in the moment is absurd. I need Maslow's bottom rungs secured. Everyone wants to fight for you not to die...but people will not help you live.