elizardbeth

Yes, that's what I meant with "going through the moves".

Or let me phrase it another way: Did you notice any remarkable changes when you did these things? Examples could be: Revelations about your relationship with your parents, how you perceive certain situations, understanding your feelings better, gaining a better sense of your body etc. If you know someone who has what you wants, what is that person like? Are you like them or do you behave differently? How has your behavior changed during self-reflection? (No need to answer in public, just to give you an idea of what I mean and what I think are important points during self-reflection.)

My impression is that most self-help approaches teach the same things, but not everyone is equally receptive to each approach. Same with therapists, coaching and groups, sometimes it takes another try to find the one that is right for you. Most stuff seems to focus on the intellectual level, but I think that it is equally important to experience the feelings that come with it (for example with techniques like Focusing).

To me it sounds like you're going through the moves to find the right guy, but you don't actually take the ideas and self-reflection parts to heart.

Some questions: Why do you want kids? (There are basically two answers, either it is because you have something to give or because you want something. I guess you can figure out which mindset is healthier.)

Are you actually interested in the people around you? Not only men, but people in general? Do you make an effort to get to know them? And by the same token, are you ready to experience intimacy? I am not (only) talking about sex, but about the effort it takes to open up to someone and to trust them.

Something that can (!) happen when you grow up with a single parent is that the parent confides in you just as if you were their partner, which leads to an unhealthy dynamic (parentification). Since children learn relationship dynamics from their parents, the learning experience in this case is "my needs and boundaries do not matter". As the child grows up, this can (!) lead to a pattern where they avoid intimacy in order to keep their needs and boundaries.

You may want to google "fear of intimacy", "attachment styles", "scared of commitment" and if this resonates with you have a look at books like "He's scared, She's scared" by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol and David Schnarch's books on intimacy (his book "Passionate Marriage" does not only deal with marriage but mostly with the connection between sex and intimacy in general).