Ask HN: How to be a better person?

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=9944273

by negative_nancy • 11 years ago

10 11 11 years ago

news.ycombinator.com

I interviewed for a position recently but they responded that they found my attitude to be negative and cocky. I don't think they're wrong. I was actually looking forward to the growth opportunities this place represented, despite the uncomfortable changes I would need to make, so now I'm not sure what to do. I've interviewed at several places recently but this was the first I was actually excited about. I don't know how I'm going to change as a person if none of my external influences change (like a toxic culture at present gig) I'm not sure how much progress I can make on my own.

I have no social support, no work support, and am generally feeling isolated and defeated. I'm trying to grow, but everything stays the same, so I stay the same, and that's really getting old. every project I build goes nowhere, ideas I suggest at work are routinely shot down & branches I do invest a lot of time and thought into are simply abandoned in the end.

Anyway, hoping someone has been in similar straights and can offer some insight.

beamatronic• 11 years ago

How many interviews have you done, total, in your life? Building your interview skills will help build up your self confidence. So, don't give up! Read everything you can on interview skills and keep trying! The more you do it the better you get at it.

kungfupanda• 11 years ago

Read about stoicism.

Especially Marcus Aurelius and Epictetus.

Read it again.

Then read it again.

BjoernKW• 11 years ago

The saying "You become the average of the people you surround yourself." is a very wise piece of advice. Try to meet people with similar interests (professional or otherwise). If applicable try getting in front of a smaller crowd and talk to them about a subject that's interesting to you.

Unless you live in a very lonely, rural area (and even in those there often is at least a church community to go to) there probably are lots of local opportunities for meeting people. Meetup might be a good starting point for meeting like-minded people: http://www.meetup.com/

brezelben• 11 years ago

Try to put yourself in their position, viewing yourself from the other side. You say you don't think they're wrong if they find your attitude negative, so I guess you know which situations caused that? Try to replay those situations in your head from their perspective.

Also what I've found extremely helpful in conflict situations is to review them afterwards, trying hard to find the issue on my side - no matter how obvious it was to me that the issue was with the other side. It has helped me tremendously in identifying that almost nothing is "right" or "wrong", but simply a matter of perspective.

Be honest to yourself and be open to change. Every once in a while it's good not to argue, but just to give in and follow other people's thoughts, even if you disagree.

codegeek• 11 years ago

first, let me congratulate that you are admitting to a problem that you have and looking to do something about it. A lot of us don't even get to that stage. So you have already taken the first step when you are asking for help.

"I have no social support, no work support, and am generally feeling isolated and defeated"

This is probably the biggest cause. We are born to be social even though the social'ness can vary a lot. Isolation is a huge problem which can cause things like depressions, negative attitude etc. I will say work on fixing this first. Forget about projects, ideas etc even though they are important but not your immediate concern at this time.

Do something out of your comfort zone. This is the biggest challenge when trying to improve oneself. I personally struggle with this a lot but doing things that you normally don't do will change your perspective in many things. One small example: Force yourself to go meet random people at random places. Talk to them. See what it does. Don't expect any outcome though. just do it. Get involved in some social sports if you can. Go play tennis with a stranger or even squash or whatever you can. Don't worry if you suck at it. That's not the point. Call up a family member randomly whom you don't meet often and ask them to meet. Next time when you get upset at a stranger because they cut you off on the road, think that they may be in a hurry due to family emergency. Think Positive. Force yourself into it. It may seem silly to do this but it grows on you.

Oh, and try to spend time with people who have positive outlook in life and can influence you. Who you hangout with matters a lot. We like to learn from our company. It is just how we are wired.

All these may not be the magic wand but doing things differently than what you do currently will be a start. There is no binary answer to all this of course but just trying to give you some insights.

andersthue• 11 years ago

I was in a bad working relationship for way too many years, the one thing that helped me turn my life around was Taoist Tai Chi http://taoist.org

I told my founder story on the Rouge Startup podcast recently http://www.roguestartups.com/rs023-perseverance-with-anders-... for more info!

partisan• 11 years ago

I wonder if you can ask them to reconsider. Let them know that you acknowledge your faults and that you want to work to improve yourself. In exchange, you will bring a positive attitude, work hard, and apply your skills and knowledge in a positive way.

every project I build goes nowhere, ideas I suggest at work are routinely shot down & branches I do invest a lot of time and thought into are simply abandoned in the end.

The good news is that all of this can change. If you are executing many ideas, then start applying a more stringent filter on what ideas you actually take to the implementation phase.

If your best ideas are not panning out, then take some time to consider whether you are executing on the right versions of those ideas. Have you iterated on the idea and refined it or are you just going with what popped into your head?

At work, do you always feel like you have the right ideas and other people are getting it wrong? Take the time to listen to other people's ideas. Don't contribute any ideas for a while. Just pay attention. You won't be sticking your neck out and at the same time, you will be giving yourself a chance to see how others approach problems. Use this as a chance to train your inner voice.

Lastly, if you can move to a more positive environment, then that is great, but don't bring the negativity with you to the interview or to the new job.

pvaldes• 11 years ago

The real question is "how could I be popular, do not feel alone and find a better job".

Ok, you seem to be ostracised and burnt... First of all you need to ask yourself why.

1-Are you too much stupid? take some classes after work, read books, improve your skills, learn, work hard.

2-Are you too much smart? Are you of the honest and direct type? Nothing bad with this. Some people will tell you that you are cocky, or negative just for hiding the fact that they are afraid by you. Sometimes is hard to be intelligent.

3-Are you being misunderstood?. They see you as strange or booring?. Maybe you need to improve on this (yes I know that I can be peculiar sometimes but I don't care. I'm a good worker, harmless, can deal with social events and is perfectly ok to have an exotic and creative personality like mine)

What you could do?

Do not let the bastards let you down

For pete's sake do NOT say anybody that you are trying to change and be a better person. First of all because this is a confession that something must be wrong with you, but mostly because you should not try to reach this. Is a wrong goal. Nobody wants a saint in the workplace unless the workplace is a church.

Instead consider to empower yourself playing the excentric card. Deploy slowly some socially inofensive moves and hold on them. Put a small plush burrito in your desk, because "some girl friend give it to you, and is cute". If your workplace allows it, wear a colorful shirt sometimes just because you feel better with it. If you personally like it, maybe a small discrete tatoo could work as: "I'm adult, is special to me and I do not need to ask my mom for this" (But remember that this is forever). People have flaws, so invent yours carefully.

In any case avoid to overwork it and look crazy (Do not put a piercing in the nose and appear with a shirt with a drawn of a blood splash. This is not funny nor interesting, is alarming). Just put one or two (not much more) funny anomalies in your personal image (that could let people to start a trivial conversation if they want) and them forget that they are there. Avoid the pathetic seeking aproval and chasing all people away with the "Why nobody have still noticed my new fabulous random stuff?").

Interviews:

Put the focus in how your skills are good for the work, no you are not negative just because you are honest and do not hide the problems, and not, you are not coocky just because you feel confident in your skills.

If a company can not still understand the simple fact that every people have different personalities and want you to reprogrammate, just run away from them. This is not a company, is a sect.

Just try to be a decent person. Do not harm others and help them if you can. Culture carefully some small harmless flaws just because people hates perfect guys and because you can and this makes you feel better and empowered, and do not trust what a silly interviewer said about who you are or how you are. He just don't know you at all.

nidhi40• 11 years ago

Be yourself!

ismail• 11 years ago

@OP - Find a hobby/community to be part of outside of coding/startups. What do you enjoy doing? Passionate about? Something physical would be best...

For me it is a weekly soccer game. I get to chat with friends, have a work out and de-stress.

- If someone is constantly being negative, avoid them. Surround yourself with people who look to the future, who are optimistic

- Like codgeek says, do something out of you comfort zone.

- Introspect a whole lot, figure out why you do the things you do

newdaynewuser• 11 years ago

This is a quick hack, may or may not work for you. I tend to be pretty negative, passive, and not impressed easily. Usually I am in bad mood or pissed of some random news. I used to come off in interviews as uninterested or shy person.

Then I discovered effects of sugar and caffeine. Now during interviews or other social/professional engagements, I drink a big sugary caffeinated drink beforehand. It changes my mood to positive, I am more hyper and talkative. It might me just my crutch or just in my head but it seems to help me temporarily.

For long term fix, I have tried many things like meditation, yoga, cardio, weights, but nothing seems to work.

Also get your blood work done. My doctor once told me that I had low testosterone level. He suggested it could be reason behind bad mood. He wanted me to workout more to improve it. I have been working out a lot more since then and have achieved a decent muscle definition but I am still negative and passive.

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