Ask HN: How have you burned bridges with people?

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=9448182

by workerdee • 11 years ago

20 21 11 years ago

news.ycombinator.com

If you have burned bridges with people, either intentionally or not, what was the outcome? This question is in regards to a work or professional setting, but personal stories are welcome.

0xdeadbeefbabe• 11 years ago

I have burned bridges possibly by being competitive when I could have been friendly. On the other hand, it could have been I just didn't speak loudly enough and long enough to send the, "you are my underling" message. I'm not really sure what it is. People in a professional setting don't behave normally though, or professionally.

angersock2• 11 years ago

Seconding the professional myth.

Especially in a startup, there's neither time, room, nor incentive to abstract away the leaky bags of chaos that are human resources.

angersock2• 11 years ago

Intentionally?

Quit a job after finding out a coworker had been fired, and that the entire review process (which I'd been pushing for for a while) was being done as a pretext to that. A few more minutes of thinking showed me that the only difference between two weeks' and walking then were that I'd be two weeks of sad down the road. So, I walked, after a cooldown moment in the bathroom.

Couple years later I met up with that exec again, and we got on just fine. Both acknowledged it was a shitty thing on both sides, and otherwise just went our separate ways. We were both polite about it.

Unintentionally?

My last startup dissolved after running out of boostrap funds and communication failures between my cofounder and I. It sucked, it hurt, and it was hell coordinating anything during the winddown. I was too ashamed and scared to talk to him about things really productively, and I suspect he may have felt similarly. I occasionally check up on him through a mutual acquaintance, but we don't talk and probably never will. :(

Basically, the notion of "burning bridges" is kinda silly. There are a few people I could list that, were they on fire, I wouldn't piss on to put out, but overall anybody that I've written off (or who has written off me) invariably seems to show up again, eventually.

Do what seems right, be reasonable about it, and don't be surprised if you meet that person again.

For what it's worth, there isn't a secret ledger that'll haunt you--in most industries.

workerdee• 11 years ago

Thanks for your comment. Having your startup dissolve and splitting with your cofounder is rough. "Burning bridges" may not be the correct phrase - maybe "parting on bad terms?" I posted the question because, depending on the situation, it works out differently for people, and the effects aren't always immediate.

vonnik• 11 years ago

By returning everything they ever gave me. Ex-gf.

nailer• 11 years ago

Someone was being seemingly overtly rude towards me, but actually had a few-month old infant and was getting zero sleep. What I percieved as being antagonistic was just someone not able to express themselves due to their brain being soup. I wish I'd known to cut him some slack.

Oh and someone in the last 8 years I said that I think exploiting security holes in someone else's box isn't curiosity, it's vandalism. Sorry rtm, I haven't changed my opinion on that one, but I still think you should fund us in the next batch. :-)

lscore720• 11 years ago

Yes, but I waited until retirement. Sent my former boss - the cruelist piece of scum I've ever had the pleasure to work with, the experience scarred me at the time - a friendly note saying I'm done working at 31, thanks and no thanks to the lessons taught under his incompetence. It felt great, but I do wish I could have been a bigger person and never sent it. He's already failed in his career since then, and my message was petty & unnecessary.

My philosophy is that a good person never burns bridges, it's irrational. But sometimes it happens.

yetanotheracc2• 11 years ago

I burned bridges several times. It usually resulted in doubling my income.

CASE #1

Context: Full-time job as a web developer in Eastern Europe

My boss was explaining something to me. When he left the room to answer a phone call, I quickly left the office and never communicated with the company again.

Outcome: I avoided being dragged down by work requests from that company, which would have kept me near the previous salary range for longer. I moved on to work as a freelancer for Western clients.

—

CASE #2

Context: Four and five-figure remote freelance jobs

On five occasions, ceased all communications with freelance clients: deleted the project from my computer, blacklisted their email addresses. In some cases I communicated the fact to the client.

Outcome: Nothing much. Moved on to greener pastures.

—

CASE #3

Context: Lead developer at a startup without traction running out of funding

Took a week off, at the end of which I made a broad email blacklist, encompassing the entire company (including many keywords, should they attempt to contact me from a different address), changed my phone number.

Outcome: Losing contact with a very well-connected person. Not having to participate in the death throes of a company I did not have any stake in.

—

CASE #4 (unsuccessful)

Context: Lead developer at a startup

Left suddenly for several months, after which the company took me back and doubled my pay. The exact same scenario happened again one year later.

Outcome: Getting caught in a golden cage. I became something of a prima donna, but with with the company expanding the development team, this will not last. I will probably leave on good terms for a change.

bbcbasic• 11 years ago

It seems to me like you burned bridges for the sake of it or to get more income, is that true?

galfarragem• 11 years ago

Even being more 'political' oriented, I can certainly understand your behaviour/strategy on life and learn from your comment.

But, be conscient that your 'strategy' doesn't work so clearly in other backgrounds: remove the ever expanding market existent in IT and add a family. Now you might have a loosing strategy on the long term. During a 'bear market' is an huge advantage to be trusted.

proveanegative2• 11 years ago

This way to leave is expensive to the employer in terms of the time lost before they realize you will not communicate again and a replacement must be found. Why did you choose to not communicate with them that you quit beforehand? I am genuinely curious because I have witnessed people quitting by suddenly ceasing all communication before and I completely fail to understand it. Note that this is not mutually exclusive with blacklisting their email address and changing your phone number.

victorhn• 11 years ago

I guess it may be when you realize the absurdity of the situation you are on (they are incompetent, irrationally demanding, etc) and that you really would not lose much just cutting those people, also to avoid unnecessary awkwardness when quitting (this may be inteprerted as you are in an indirect way saying that they suck).

mod• 11 years ago

What was your motivation for handling things this way?

tehwebguy• 11 years ago

This is really dysfunctional.

You obviously had some serious problems with the people you abandoned suddenly with no warning. Why not learn to communicate?

mrcold2• 11 years ago

You can't really communicate with children. I agree with yetanotheracc. Getting up and leaving is the most sane approach with the least stress,

theaccordance• 11 years ago

Professionally, I've made the decision to burn bridges on multiple occasions. I'm never a fan of the act itself; but I also have yet to regret the choice in any of the instances.

As far as the outcome, it's always been the same: short-term loss of revenue, but in every case it's cleared way for more fruitful projects.

znpy• 11 years ago

It's been a while since I last "walked out", but the one time I most clearly remember is this:

Informed this guy I was not going to work any further with him, took another job on and simply ignored his emails/texts/whatever.

Blocked him from calling me (Android blacklist).

I just saw him one or two times, to collect the remaining payments.

I've been pretty formal when talking him, and whenever he asked "I'm doing things" was my reply.

thoughaway• 11 years ago

For a former landlord, I left a one-star review on yelp and also gave them a piece of my mind over the phone. They're maybe the largest property manager in my city and would significantly limit my ability to rent.

I also left a one star review, created a mock twitter account, and berated the staff of a local, crooked towing company run by former police officers.

At a financial company, I reported my co-worker to the authorities due to a sensitive new project, his erratic behavior, and his public history of financial crimes somehow unknown to my superiors/HR.

At another job, I told my boss I hated my job just about every week for a few months (in so many words). Then I quit. Maybe that should have burned a bridge but he seemed happy that I basically was giving him a heads up, and I also delivered the project I was on before leaving.

Ask HN: How have you burned bridges with people?

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