Ask HN: I'm about to take a big step in my life. I would like your opinion.

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=896614

by turning_point • 17 years ago

10 13 17 years ago

news.ycombinator.com

I'm a frequent reader of HN (I check the front page at least twice a day.) I've created this account so that I could ask your opinion on a big step in my life I am thinking of taking. I value your opinion.

I'm almost 20 right now and in my third year of college. I have never been successful with members of the opposite sex ever since puberty. In high school and college I was perceived as being socially awkward by those I came in contact with. Being unable to find intimacy and being a total virgin (never touched a girl other than while shaking hands) and my poor social life has made me very depressed.

I think a significant part of my problems can be solved if I loose my virginity, so I'm thinking of closing the chapter with a "girlfriend experience" hooker.

Do you think loosing my virginity to a hooker will solve my problems? If there are any others who have gone through similar problems as I have and come out of it, what would you suggest that I do?

brk• 17 years ago

Don't waste your time/money. It's not going to be all Hollywood-esque.

You'll pay a couple of hundred dollars to a woman of unknown history who will be uninterested in you (though she may play the "girlfriend" part well enough) and at the end of it all you'll have no more insight into the female sex then when you started.

mooism2• 17 years ago

Your love life problems will solve themselves if you solve your broader social life issues first. A social life is a bit like most things in life in that you get better at it and find it easier the more practice you get at it.

Paying for sex or a pretend relationship is not some magic pixie fairy dust that will suddenly make you the life of the party.

On the off-chance that you may suffer from social anxiety disorder or exhibit an autism spectrum syndrome, you may wish to consult with your doctor at some point. But not straight away.

P.S. I was first "successful" with a member of the opposite sex when I was 26. shrug

bhousel• 17 years ago

Ask Reddit.. Also, no don't do it. Virginity is not your problem. Talk to a therapist.

david927• 17 years ago

Don't do it; you'll regret it. Listen, you're not the only one that's gone through this. Everyone who invested his/her early years obtaining hard skills (such as technical skills) at the expense of soft skills (such as being comfortable in a group and around the opposite sex) has this problem. You're not broken or defective. You're just starting to play basketball for the first time among a group that's done nothing -but- play basketball. Don't expect it to come naturally; it will take time, and that's ok. Again, there's nothing wrong with you. I don't know anything about you, but I've known 1000 people, including myself, who have gone through this, and I'll happily bet you one million dollars that in months from now you'll look back at this like so many things in our lives: painful and normal.

So do you want to play basketball? Don't hire a pro for an hour. Just play. Get on dating sites and date. The hardest thing about dating is the fear of rejection. So here's what you do: you get rejected. Plan on it. And pat yourself that you even got on the court to play at all -- it's a very scary thing to do. You should know that if you can get through 20 rejections, you'll get someone. It can happen earlier, but this is probably the outside chance. So with each rejection (and it happens to EVERYONE, trust me) remind yourself that you're one step closer to meeting someone.

Just remember that you've got friends here, so don't be shy to ask anything else. And good luck.

percept• 17 years ago

In addition to the risk of disease, arrest, and robbery, something like that could also jeopardize your chances if you later want to work in a job requiring a clearance, background investigation, or polygraph.

Can you try to find some new activities or clubs there to participate in? Not being fake or untrue to yourself but small steps that push you outside your comfort zone? Dance, theater, athletics?

HeyLaughingBoy• 17 years ago

No. Sex, in and of itself, doesn't solve anything except horniness. And the horniness comes back real quick with a vengeance when you're college aged :-)

Do everything possible to get out of your room and meet women while you are in college. Be neatly dressed: doesn't mean trendy or a fashionista, just wear ordinary clean clothing. Join clubs, take up a hobby, randomly walk around with a smile on your face.

BE PLEASANT. Seriously. Practice smiling if you must, but no one wants to talk to a grump. Talk to people. A big mistake is to confine yourself to talking only to attractive people. Talk to anyone who will respond and shut up if they don't. Say hi to that strange chick at the bus stop: the one with the lazy eye, a unibrow and a humpback. She's a person, be nice to her. Greet people with a "hello" and a smile, hold doors for strangers, help the old lady with that heavy bag of catfood.

In short, become a nice person and people will want to be around you. Once that happens, the whole women/intimacy/sex thing tends to take care of itself. The species has managed to propagate itself basically forever. That wouldn't happen if it was terribly hard to hookup.

In order to meet girls, you have to talk to them. Most of them won't just walk up to you and bite you on the ass. Get out of your shell, stop worrying about being awkward. Trust me, the women are also worrying about stuff that you would think is trivial: we all have our insecurities.

Wasting money on a hooker is avoiding the responsibility for changing your own life. You'd be better off spending it on a therapist.

Travis• 17 years ago

It's not going to help you solve any underlying problems, but it will at least lead you to one big conclusion: sex doesn't have to be a big deal. You'll do it, realize, "hey, that was fun... but not as big of a deal as I thought."

That isn't to say that sex isn't important, emotional, or connecting -- just that most of the time it's mediocre, and not worth the build up that you put into it.

I suppose that could be summed up in the "difference btwn sex and making love" cliche.

iterationx• 17 years ago

Getting a viral std is 1-way function. You'll definitely get HPV and maybe herpes.

If you are socially awkward that means you have terrible body language. Read a few books about body language. Why don't you work on your social circle, get more friends then you will get invited to more parties, then when girls meet you they will be more open to you because they met you through a friend. Beyond that join a gym, smile, be funny, not desperate and your girl problems will go away.

igrekel• 17 years ago

It will not solve your problems.

It will give you experience with the act itself but not with the process of "getting there" since the deal is already set and the outcome already known. What you would learn from the experience will be just about the act itself (which is really no big deal) but nothing about the part where you have a problem which is the social interaction that comes first. And once more, the social interaction that comes first is not really all that geared toward sex, so this experience could harm your capabilities by reinforcing this wrong perception that you seem to have.

You just need to understand treat this as something you need to learn. You need to learn social interactions, some people have it naturally, some people not so much. Your goal should be to learn by observing, trying to understand the situations, trying to understand the point of view and perception of people without asking direct questions.

leff_f• 17 years ago

Just do it. Don't overcomplicate it. Sex is - Fun - Does not worth thinking about it too much - Does not solve any problems (Sex with a hooker solves hooker's financial problems only)

p.s. Use a condom.... and avoid repeating it in future at all costs(addictive)

clistctrl• 17 years ago

Trust me, just forget about the girlfriend thing and embrace your productivity. Seriously, i'll bet you're the productivity king right now. I used to be you, I did some amazing work, I had the work ethic of a new immigrated china man looking to bring his whole family over, I was working 16 hours a day... and I LOVED IT. When I got my first girlfriend (at 20) my productivity crashed. The emotional roller coaster that women put me through, it was too much. We broke up after 3 months, and I immediately started dating a girl (its been almost 2 years now) who was a mechanical engineer (closer to my level of introverted) Life is more stable, but i'm nowhere close to where I used to be. A girlfriend is almost like another full time job, except it costs you money instead of earning you money.

run4yourlives• 17 years ago

My God listen to these people. Apparently screwing a hooker will begin a downward spiral into Dante's seventh level all the while your dick is burning and boils and legions burst from your forehead.

Listen, I'm going to let you in on a little secret: Sex is overrated. Now, of course it's a lot of fun. Of course it's infinitely better when you have an emotional connection to the person you're with, but that line about it being like oxygen - only mattering when you aren't getting any - is bang on.

So, if you are curious about how it feels and would like to have the experience, go for it. Hire a good looking high end escort and enjoy your night. It's not a life changing experience, so don't treat it like it is. Getting married and having a kid are life changing (more the latter). Having sex is not.

Now, having sex is not going to be a cure all for your depression because it simply isn't that big a deal. That can work two ways: You figure it out and get on with life, or you realize there is something larger there - I'm going to assume the lack of a person to share your life with.

The latter is simple to solve really. Stop trying, and seize the opportunities as they arise.

japherwocky• 17 years ago

It won't help your social life, but it will get a mental monkey off your back so you can get on with more important things. Do it!

Ask HN: I'm about to take a big step in my life. I would like your opinion.

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