The Science of Politely Ending a Conversation

http://www.fastcodesign.com/3038950/evidence/the-science-of-politely-ending-a-conversation

by KhalilK • 12 years ago

102 35 12 years ago

andrey-p2• 12 years ago

Regarding the plot towards the end of the article, what does "efficiency" mean? Surely "vanishing" while the other person is still speaking is the fastest way to end a conversation for the least effort.

petercooper• 12 years ago

Based on the other points, I'm guessing it relates to expenditure of time and effort on behalf of the speaker.

Vanishing requires you change location, whereas the more "efficient" rudeness would hopefully make the other person leave instead. Note that "non-responsiveness" is the least efficient, because I suspect the most likely response is for someone to keep questioning why you're not responding, wasting time. With that said, "vanishing" would almost certainly be the most efficient on a phone call, as it's just hanging up.

andrey-p2• 12 years ago

Fair enough, I was thinking of situations where the conversation wouldn't be held in your own space. In which case, changing location is something you would've had to do anyway.

I just really like the sheer surrealness of ending a conversation by walking off mid-sentence.

blisterpeanuts4• 12 years ago

This brings to mind a conversation I once had with a smart, young female programmer with a playful sense of humor.

Me: I have a meeting.

Her: yeah, right.

Those were fun times.

hughbert• 12 years ago

What does being young or female have to do with it?

dj-wonk• 12 years ago

Perhaps the person in question was young and female. :) Does the above comment offend you? It was a story, not a generalization, from what I can tell. (It seems to me that people are too easily offended sometimes.)

im2w1l• 12 years ago

They were flirting.

blisterpeanuts4• 12 years ago

What does being young or female have to do with it?

I'd like to explain, but I have a meeting to get to.

FroshKiller• 12 years ago

I, TOO, HAVE SPOKEN TO A GIRL.

blisterpeanuts4• 12 years ago

Geeze, no need to shout!

cmdrfred• 12 years ago

This is the nerdyist comment on HackerNews, congratulations sir.

SixSigma• 12 years ago

In the UK we have "right, I'll let you get on" like you are doing them a favour.

blatherard• 12 years ago

Its not just a Britishism. Its identified in the master's thesis linked to in the article [1] as a form of "turning the table" which "seem[s] to place the onus of ending the conversation on the conversational partner." (pg 63)

[1] http://scholarworks.sjsu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=405...

johnchristopher2• 12 years ago

I am a french speaker and I ended up going with a slight variation :

    "Right|Okay, I have to leave you (now)+."

In french it implies something like "I wish I could go on but alas I am obliged to take care of something else right now".

antimagic2• 12 years ago

Which is why getting tone right in a foreign language is next to impossible. I'm guessing you're translating from "il faut que j'y aille" which is politer in French, thanks to the use of the subjunctive. In English though, without this grammatical tone-setter, you've basically just told someone that you have something that you consider more important than them. Sometimes that can work, especially when the other person isn't expecting your undivided attention, but other times, not so much.

Swizec• 12 years ago

Also a Lord Vetinari trick from the Discworld universe: "Don't let me keep you."

"When Vetinari considers the meeting ended, he usually dismisses his visitors with the phrase "don't let me detain you." The inherent implication being that he just might if they let him."

TrainedMonkey• 12 years ago

This begs for clarification. Lord Vetinari considered ruthless patrician and was prepared for this role at assassins school. Without healthy dose of fear and respect this phrase might come off as condescending.

zem• 12 years ago

that one always annoys me. i have no objection to your leaving, but don't act as though i was anxious to see you off (even if i was, i would hope i concealed it well!)

Spooky23• 12 years ago

On a somewhat related note, when you have the time, you can sometimes yield dividends by not ending the conversation at an early point.

A 10 minute conversation can teach you a lot or even earn your some goodwill.

therealdrag0• 12 years ago

Good point. I think I've gotten to the point of too habitually keeping conversations short. But really, a bit of a longer conversation is probably more healthy and valuable to me than seeing another reddit post or w/e else I'd do with those few minutes.

jliptzin• 12 years ago

I'm pretty bad at this. I lose patience quickly when people don't get the hint that it's time to end the conversation. In these cases I usually just say I have to go to the bathroom or make a call and don't come back.

dogpa• 12 years ago

Aaaaaanyway...

mathattack2• 12 years ago

I think they overly downplay the effectiveness and efficiency of vanishing. I used to work with a VERY polished salesman, who was the king of making everyone feel at home at his events. He was an absolute gentleman. But you knew he would disappear without saying a word at the end of the night. There would be a car waiting for everyone that needed it, but he wouldn't say Goodbye. Nobody faulted him for it.

On the other extreme... I went to a political fundraiser where it was clear the politician worked the room like a, well politician. He made everyone feel important and listened to. After he had done his once-over, he announced, "Thank you all for coming. I apologize for leaving abruptly, I have to go an meet my mom for dinner." I was stunned at how smooth he was.

logfromblammo2• 12 years ago

The unannounced exit is also known by the slang terms "ghosting", "Irish goodbye", and "French leave".

I'm not altogether certain that you could place it at a fixed position on the "appropriateness" axis. It would probably depend largely upon the number of people in the social environment, and as such, the one-on-one conversation experiment would be the least appropriate situation in which it could possibly be used.

The politician in your example used both a closing statement and an excuse to disengage, the two strategies with both high politeness and high efficiency. That shows a very high level of social intelligence.

mathattack2• 12 years ago

I was in awe of him. And thought, "That's how and why he got elected." :-)

kennu• 12 years ago

I'd say it's an entirely different thing to vanish from an event than to vanish from a conversation.

Vanishing from an event early can be seen as considerate: you don't want to spoil other people's party mood with your goodbyes and by having to decline the invitations to stay a little longer or to join an afterparty. You just vanish and let others party on. The more alcohol is involved, the less anyone even notices.

But vanishing (walking away) from an active conversation without any concluding ritual or external interruption is just perceived as rude.

blisterpeanuts4• 12 years ago

I used to have long chats on the phone with an EE consultant friend. He was unmarried and lonely and would just never get off the phone. Whatever I said ("well, have a nice day" or some such), he would quickly interject "so tell me what your plans for the holidays are" or some similar opening to keep the conversation going. I found that the only way to end the conversation was to say "I have to go" and he would immediately terminate the call. Weird. He didn't take to email when it became prevalent, so we just don't keep in touch anymore.

lettercarrier• 12 years ago

My success at ending conversations successfully greatly improved once I took formal training in personality types [1] Stick a dozen or two in a room and get a good facilitator to explain how others are. Then you will become so much better at knowing how to end a conversation, or even better, when you should not even bother entering in one. Thinkers; Deciders; Sensors; Feelers, in my learning sessions.

As a boss, I told everyone that under stress, I am a huge decider. Don't waste my time with conversation; get to the point. But under normal conditions, I am extremely verbose.

I think the "science" part of the article is good, as any formula can help when needed. But I sum up what I think my conversation partner is (thinker, decider, sensor, feeler) so I know how to end the conversation.

[1] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personality_type

The Science of Politely Ending a Conversation

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