Ask HN: Why is it so hard to make good friendships in the Bay Area?

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=5242589

by whysocurious • 13 years ago

17 12 13 years ago

news.ycombinator.com

Not sure if it's just me or others have observed/experienced the same.

Just like many, I want to expand my friend circle beyond the typical high-school/college and work folks.

Am I doing it wrong? I usually meet really good people at meetups etc., present myself well, but either they get super busy on weekdays or lazy/shy to follow-up. Basically, they just end up being flaky even after exchanging numbers etc.

Curious - how are you expanding your network? Sonar, Highlight, Circle or Grubwithus doesn't seem to be solving this..at least for me.

whichdan• 13 years ago

Same problem in Boston. The recent HackerNews meetup was great, but I found it hard to stay connected with the people I met through reddit. Strangely, I don't have a desire to go to a lot of the Meetup.com groups..

whysocurious• 13 years ago

There are sub-reddits like r4r or SFr4r but I've heard (from other redditors) that many get freaked out at the last minute on meeting strangers from the internets.

The problem I've noticed is the lack of re-engagement after initially meeting people face-to-face.

There are sites like letslunch but many 1) don't have the luxury to do >=1 hour lunch or 2) don't work in the city

randall• 13 years ago

Most of my bay area friends were from work. If you work at a high quality place, you'll make friends there, then as natural attrition happens, your network magically spreads to other places and gets more diverse and interesting.

(FWIW it was Justin.TV pre twitch. Holla JTV/Twitchers!)

codeonfire• 13 years ago

The problem is that you are expecting something out of the relationship. Friendships have to be formed serendipitously.

Networking is totally different. I would not spend more than two minutes of someone else's time unless I knew that I could immediately provide some value to them by referring another contact or providing asked-for advice. I wouldn't recontact them unless I had a referral or information they would find valuable.

chrisjtow• 13 years ago

Just had a conversation about this tonight. The lack of "new" encounters - including expanding a network of friends and new experiences. The reason it is hard to make new relationships is because we don't spend enough time bonding.

Technology - E-Mail/Texts/Facebook/Highlight does not build a new relationship. Technology only bridges the gap of communication.

If you think of your strongest relationships, they were built after lots of time spent with the person. In other words, bonding. And bonding takes time.

What's the longest amount of time you spend with a new person? An hour? Maybe ten minutes, multiples times a week? Try a weekend with someone, and bonding will naturally occur.

The reason good relationships are harder to develop is because we don't spend the necessary time to bond the newfound relationship. It's not one meetup or coffee, but it's doing it enough until that person is apart of your life.

lumberjack• 13 years ago

I agree with this and moreover I would also think that environments where you are on the same formal level and gain from sincere relationships, in both school and work also facilitate friendship.

nostrademons• 13 years ago

What's wrong with your typical high-school/college/work folks?

Basically all my friendships come from some affiliation with an organization I have. I've got a bunch from work - actually, I have like 4 different friend groups from work, all centered around a team I've worked with. I've got a group from my college alumni network. And I've got a few isolated friends left over from the Harry Potter fandom that happen to live in the area.

syed123• 13 years ago

Most of this problem is self propelled prophecy.I highly suggest you to read the book "Never eat alone" following principles in it will help you maintain a bond with someone and re engage it. Mostly by reinviting those people you met for food. Everyone eats food right. This was the basis for which i started http://LetsLunch.com

neilk• 13 years ago

I hear you. It's very difficult. In this town, people have to squint at their schedules to find a free hour for their best friends. And yet, somehow, they always have the time to respond to you instantly on Twitter or Facebook.

All my friends in the Bay Area came from Burning Man, art projects, hacking projects, NoiseBridge and so on.

I don't find that friendships are forged from common interests or whatever draws people to Meetups. It has to be a thing you both find intrinsically valuable, ideally something of at least moderate difficulty that forces you to spend a long amount of time together. Could be hacking or could be fishing.

brianchu• 13 years ago

When you're in school, you tend to become friends with people you're placed together with - people you were placed with in dorms, people who had the same classes as you and with whom you did projects/psets, and people in the same clubs as you. In that sense, many of your friendships are predicated on chance encounters. Most are, as someone pointed out, serendipitous.

If you want to make friends out of people who aren't your colleagues, you need to take actions to ensure your friendships aren't dependent on chance encounters anymore. If you meet someone you think is really interesting, you need to go out of your way and invite them to lunch/dinner/parties/events. This does blur the line between networking and friendships though. Then again, the strongest network is a network of friends.

I also wonder if there's a difference between SF and the Mountain View/Palo Alto/San Jose area. It seems to me like it would be easier to stay connected with people in SF, since you'll often bump into the same people at different parties/events - I know that this has certainly been true in my case whenever I go up to SF. Down south people are spread out and there's a lot less going on in terms of events.

lordkinboat• 13 years ago

Try a new hobby. I began a new hobby about a year and a half ago and have doubled the amount of people I know. Some of them are acquaintances while some I see as "meaningful" friends.

gregcohn• 13 years ago

Assuming you're applying the appropriate effort over a large enough sample, which it sounds like you are, then the logical possibilities are that people either don't want to make friends, generally, or that people don't want to make friends with you, specifically.

The first one seems more easily tested -- for example, it can be disproved if other people are making friends under reasonably similar circumstances. It may turn out to be the case, however, that you're aging into life phase in which people are generally less inclined to buddy up. If this or some other issue is the case, you may need to change the conditions -- e.g. move somewhere else, seek young friends, etc.

If you begin to suspect it's the latter (people don't want to make friends with you specifically), then what you want to get is some honest feedback so you can evolve into an easier-to-befriend person. The good news is, a little self-awareness goes a long way.

Ask HN: Why is it so hard to make good friendships in the Bay Area?

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