The best relationships are all-encompassing.

https://andys.blog/the-best-relationships/

by andytratt • 2 months ago

52 76 2 months ago

andys.blog

gf263• 2 months ago

As someone who’s single: Happy for you, I guess.

andytratt19• 1 month ago

you'll get there, don't give up! and don't settle.

appplication• 2 months ago

This is nice. Friday demos with your partner is a little weird by my standards but when you’re in love you’re allowed to do weird things. Totally agree with OP, when you find true partnership, you really don’t feel the need to seek validation from other people in your life.

sandworm101• 2 months ago

This is young love, puppy love. People at such stage of a relationship find everything facinating. I think there is a hormone that makes them forget or not care how gushy and idiotic such things appear to outsiders. Give it a year and the author will quietly delete the article.

EvanAnderson2• 2 months ago

I was in the throes of this 30 years ago and gave a quote to a friend writing an article about hacker culture that was overly sappy about my new partner. The relationship is long-since dead but that damned quote is still there. (At least it was an article that I doubt a lot of people read...)

dpark2• 2 months ago

I agree this is just young love. They’ve known each other less than a year. It’s either honeymoon phase or deep codependency. I hope the former.

there is a hormone that makes them forget or not care how gushy and idiotic such things appear to outsiders

Honestly, it’s sad that people outside these relationships feel that way. Young love is great and anyone lucky enough to experience it should not be ashamed of it, then or later.

andytratt19• 1 month ago

yes i delete all my articles a year later, including those from 7 years ago. absolutely correct.

Xorlev• 2 months ago

you really don’t feel the need to seek validation from other people in your life.

This might be confusing the lack of need for validation with the lack of need for other people. Sure, taking confidence from your partner is wonderful but it's not "seeking validation" to maintain other relationships.

Putting everything on one person can quickly become codependency and enmeshment. At some level some codependency/enmeshment is inevitable ("healthy interdependence") when you spend your time with one person, however it can also be very unhealthy.

You can lose your own identity, and end up putting all your needs on the other person. That makes conflict difficult, distance difficult, and you lose your support network.

I think Friday demos are really cute, and a healthy relationship can certainly touch on all areas, but it's important to invest in both other relationships (friends/family/partners) AND yourself. Investing in time with yourself means investing in your hobbies, doing things just for you and maintaining that individual identity.

prerok4• 2 months ago

Other posters have said something similar, but I wanted to be more direct: nobody should ever seek validation from outside of themselves (not that I don't have problems with this, I am just saying how it should be).

It's inevitable in childhood, but the parents' role is to create an independent individual. This often not the case, so we see ourselves in need of validation from our spouses, bosses, etc. and it can cause people to stay in bad working or personal relationships.

The trick is to be proud of yourself in an all-encompassing form, admit where you are not good at and improve, if you want to. Advice is welcome but critique should not lessen how you feel about yourself.

Just my 2c and what my experience in life taught me.

andytratt19• 1 month ago

yea also read Ayn Rand, in particular Anthem & then fountainhead if atlas is too complicated for the brains

eliasdorneles• 2 months ago

Those relationships are the ones who hurt the most when they end.

poisonborz4• 2 months ago

Tangentially related, but look up relationship anarchy. If we'd demolish outdated "standard" labels of our relationships, and normalize to making connections between any 2+ persons without them needing to feel shame or the pressure of internal/external expectations, we'd be a happier society.

tifik4• 2 months ago

How do you address jealousy? Im very much on board with the idea in general, and have given it quite a bit of thought, but I’ve never been fully sold on the idea that jealousy is fully based on social constructs

poisonborz4• 2 months ago

I tend to believe self-assured people do not become jealous as they don't terminally depend on a relationship. This of course depends on age, how social someone is or the population size in the area. This is a general human problem, the traditional answer of "ownership" has problems of its own.

designium• 2 months ago

It helps to deconstruct what jealousy is. Is it the fear of losing someone to others? Or is it possessiveness? He or she are mine like property? Or we are simply conditioned to react like that given certain situations that triggers jealousy? I found it’s easier to deal with jealousy once I understood the source of it and treat jealousy like a symptom not the cause.

swagasaurus-rex5• 2 months ago

I find it funny that poly relationships will insist on talking about feelings but get very uncomfortable at any sign of jealousy or attachment.

AndrewKemendo2• 2 months ago

That’s just anarchism

https://davidgraeber.org/articles/are-you-an-anarchist-the-a...

BoingBoomTschak• 2 months ago

"Duuude free love lmao"; no need to put psychobabble words on it, you know.

dbspin2• 2 months ago

This is a recipe for perhaps the most unhappy society imaginable. Without such outmoded ideas as 'commitment', and 'through thick and thin' relationships become subject to the immediate barometer of personal happiness. In practice this is anything but equitable, freeing and fulfilling. It results in people with perceived high 'value' flitting from relationship to relationship, often several at once. Invariably leaving relationships and abandoning partners when the ordinary vicissitudes of life arise - job loss, ill health, aging, deaths of parents etc.

Real intimacy requires investment. Relationship anarchy, any time I've seen it attested or practiced, faciliates the opposite. It's a fetishisation of alienation. What you're describing as 'pressure of expectations' can be understood very differently, as the expectation of reciprocity. In other words, being able to rely on people - whether as friends or lovers, when things get difficult. Without that, all we have is limerence and capriciousness.

I say all this as someone who's been in non-monogamous relationships of various kinds - from weeks to years. Without the possibility of commitment and the acknowledgement that all relationships are inherently hierarchical, we atomise individual needs and make real enduring connection and community impossible.

poisonborz4• 2 months ago

What you say is true in general but why would it all be true for a nonstandard relationship? Why would you be less committed to multiple persons (or why would you not have 1 committed out of all). If anything, a single household of multiple stable personalities creates more involving and colorful context, more possibility of hierarchy, and more reasons to not abandon it (as a bigger community relies on you).

I had much less direct and indirect experience, but I know what you talk about. Even more, it is also my experience that these constellations are unstable. But I see this as them existing in a sea of monogamist society, surrounded by prejudice and contempt. Try to introduce this to friends and family. It's similar of how gay relationships are much more often open, due to (guess:) societal context like a patriarchal society.

Historically disconnected societies were used to be more creative. I hope they would also be in the future.

aeturnum2• 2 months ago

Like true love, I somewhat believe this can exist, but most of the people who talk like this are in a codependent relationship. It's just extremely unlikely that a person you're seeing romantically is also interested in all the other things you've got going on. They should support you in your endeavors in general, but often in the way parents might ("ya winning son"?).

Instead, the best relationship for most people will not be all encompassing. Your partner will love you for you and encourage you, will know what you're up to and keep track, but will also have areas and interests that you aren't into. For me, a lot of my growth has come from the areas where partners are into things I'm not: I don't change to be like them, but through their eyes I learn to see things in new ways (while still liking what I like). It can go too far in the other direction - but for most people having parts of your life your partner is not very involved in is a sign of maturity and strength. A strong relationship is a base from which you can set out into the world on your own terms, free to return to that relationship in the future.

gobdovan2• 2 months ago

Have you read TFA? I think you're reading 'all-encompassing' too literally and make it seem that the author has his girlfriend substitute friends, colleagues and they're in some 'total life overlap' mode. But if you read it through, he's presenting how they're just sharing emotions openly with one another and letting each other 'in' on what they're up to from time to time.

For example:

"even if they don't have the background or experience that you do, and vice versa, you can both be patient with each other and spend loving time in harmonious movement."

"She showed me her spotify playlist (it was so cool, nothing i'd heard before) and I should her my claude coded landing page. "

Also, if this was already in the article before you posted your comment, I'd say it's simply moot: "Some might say this is unhealthy or codependent or some stupid diagnosis without analyzing any symptoms. Let me explain the symptoms. It starts where most relationships buckle under stress"

aeturnum2• 2 months ago

I suppose I am reacting to lines like these in the article:

Now I don't even need to blog. I just talk to Alex and I feel satisfied.
In our household, we are now doing Friday demos, just me and Alex. We're each sharing something we shipped the previous week.
For example, when we exercise, we each have different goals and needs but we still try to go to the gym with each other if we can and it's not too much hassle.

These are fine - and like I said it could be real - but often this is how people describe codependency.

I want to highlight a "mixed" passage part way through where the author restates their thesis:

The best relationships truly are all-encompassing, and it's okay to talk about your deepest, darkest inner things

The first half of this sentence talks about being all-encompassing - i.e. the ways in which the partnership has come to be central in all things it can be central in. That is what feels codependent-y to me. The second half of the sentence describes intimacy and it has nothing to do with shared activities. You do not need to have any sort of "encompassing" relationship to comfortably discuss your deepest darkest feelings - you just need trust and an appropriate interlocutor. It's the conflating of "doing everything together" with "intimacy" that makes me worry.

But again - the author could be right! I suspect this is real sometimes.

dpark2• 2 months ago

I think you're reading 'all-encompassing' too literally and make it seem that the author has his girlfriend substitute friends, colleagues and they're in some 'total life overlap' mode.

Literally in the article:

”Specifically to me, it appears all my social needs are being met by her alone. This is wild. This includes work, friendship, novelty, so much outside of a standard girlfriend boyfriend life partner frame, as one thing among many.”

andytratt19• 1 month ago

thank you gobdovan <3 :)

wavemode• 2 months ago

This reads more like a love letter than life advice.

As a love letter it's very sweet - you clearly have found something special.

As life advice - I mean, not everyone's ideal relationship is gonna look like this, and that's okay too.

ChrisMarshallNY• 2 months ago

Relationships change, over time. We need to change, and adapt.

When we're young, things are quite different, from when we get older.

Lot of "not-easy" stuff, involved in long, committed relationships.

Been married for over 30 years. Lots of rough spots, along the way.

We're doing OK, nowadays.

I remember that a bunch of siblings were criticizing their parent's relationship.

In fact, their parents were married for decades, and truly did the "Until death do you part" thing.

There was definitely some dysfunctionality, there, but they stuck out some really difficult times.

I have also seen relationships that were "the match made in heaven," fall apart, fairly quickly (in one case, a couple of weeks after a big wedding).

It's always easy to find fault with people that we can't relate to, or give advice that works for us, but won't, for them.

andytratt19• 1 month ago

beautifully said. thank you wavemode.

sneak• 2 months ago

We met at a used book store, her checking out my massive Ayn Rand purchase and disclosing with a soft smile, "Atlas Shrugged was my favorite book when I was 14 and I re-read it every 2 years since."

I can’t tell if this is satire, and I’m worried that it isn’t. I say that as someone who also doesn’t hate that book.

magneticnorth• 2 months ago

Yeah, I had the same thought, even as someone who also loved Ayn Rand at the age of 14.

andytratt19• 1 month ago

literally true - https://andys.blog/alex/

AndrewKemendo2• 2 months ago

I wonder if it’s the author’s first time falling in love

andytratt19• 1 month ago

define love

supertroop2• 2 months ago

Classic new relationship energy. It’s such a wonderful feeling. On top of the world. Everything in life glows. But NRE runs out. The OP is correct: critics will say that one person cannot be all things to another. Any relationship therapist or seasoned polyamorous family will tell you that. That’s because those two groups study relationships more than non-poly people do, so they have a broader perspective.

I hope this continues for as long as possible for OP.

Or maybe I just fell for satire and look like a donkey.

Izkata• 2 months ago

Classic new relationship energy. It’s such a wonderful feeling. On top of the world. Everything in life glows. But NRE runs out.

The word for this is "infatuation", and it is well-studied.

andytratt19• 1 month ago

i do be infat, coffee helps

justonceokay• 2 months ago

You don’t have to be poly to bring “relationship anarchy” to your current relationships.

danubis• 2 months ago

Could you expend on what is relationship anarchy?

eikenberry• 2 months ago

Not sure about "all encompassing" but this pretty much describes the relationship I've had with my wife for the last 30 years. She is my best and my only close friend, we spend 90%+ of our time together and we both would have it no other way. It doesn't have to end.

supertroop2• 2 months ago

Great! Everyone is different. You are a rarity. Enjoy life!

andytratt19• 1 month ago

goalz

SauntSolaire• 2 months ago

That’s because those two groups study relationships more than non-poly people do, so they have a broader perspective.

To nitpick, polyamorous people tend to study relationships through the lens of (shocker) polyamory. Not all such studies apply broadly, and I've not had great experience with polyamorists being able to distinguish.

apsurd• 2 months ago

dude's in love

andytratt19• 1 month ago

could be

mathattack• 2 months ago

He’s writing satire about AI, no?

dofm• 2 months ago

I wish I could tell.

I wonder if Local LLM spotify playlist suggestions hang together less well than frontier model spotify playlist suggestions. Like… Gavin Bryars yes, Cloud Cult yes, Tuxedomoon yes, Run DMC wait what?, Olivia Sellerio yes….

andytratt19• 1 month ago

when the critics disagree the artist is in accord w himself - dorian grey

andytratt19• 1 month ago

always - https://andys.blog/rare/

stephbook• 2 months ago

I don't think it wise to retreat into the romantic couple, leaving everything else by the wayside. Your partner might leave you or come to resent the closeness. Then again, "I haven't seen him in months, he has a new girlfriend" was a common complaint back in my youth.

Men, Where Have You Gone? Please Come Back. So many men have retreated from intimacy, hiding behind firewalls, filters and curated personas, dabbling and scrolling. We miss you.

https://www.nytimes.com/2025/06/20/style/modern-love-men-whe...

Why Women Are Weary of the Emotional Labor of ‘Mankeeping’ As male social circles shrink, female partners say they have to meet more social and emotional needs.

https://www.nytimes.com/2025/07/28/well/family/mankeeping-de...

Where Have All My Deep Male Friendships Gone? I have many guy friends. Why don’t we hang out more?

https://www.nytimes.com/2025/05/25/magazine/male-friendships...

andytratt19• 1 month ago

NYT is an excellent source of feminine perspectives

archonis• 2 months ago

Writes about a romantic relationship and:

References Steve Jobs in a positive way

References Elon Musk in a positive way

References Ayn Rand in an extremely positive way

Their inevitable breakup is going to be spectacularly dysfunctional and likely play out in an extremely public/online way.

fallat• 2 months ago

/remindme 1 year

DANmode3• 2 months ago

Please stop.

andytratt19• 1 month ago

can confirm my gf is scared. but then she said "that person is clearly a liberal" so perhaps not.

The best relationships are all-encompassing.

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