Ask: My girlfriend is much smarter than I, how do I manage?

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=4498744

by DrorY • 14 years ago

11 43 14 years ago

news.ycombinator.com

While I am aware this is not a real hackish or technological question to ask, I gather it's still the right place. As I guess that most of hacker news readers are used to be the smartest guys around.

I started dating a truly exceptional girl. She's the smartest person I've ever met. I am looking for some advice:

Have you ever dated a girl that was much smarter than you? How did it effect you \ your self esteem? Did your connection last? Did you feel it was an issue? If it was an issue did you discus it?

Actually any general advice here would be truly appreciated.

Thanks

mooism2• 14 years ago

Do you feel that it is a problem?

Would it be a problem if you had a platonic friend (of either gender) who was much smarter than you?

DrorY12• 14 years ago

no, it wouldn't. I don't feel it's a problem now, as I feel enough self value in what I am doing. I fear it might evolve into a problem if at some point along the road I won't feel that satisfaction in whatever it is I am doing

contumace• 14 years ago

You would certainly prefer to be the smartest. Do you feel threatened ?

DrorY12• 14 years ago

It feels threatening knowing that your partner is always right, and thereby when you argue makes you always (mostly) wrong.

It also feels threatening knowing that she's capable of doing whatever it is you're doing just better.

hasenj• 14 years ago

Are you intimidated by her?

Are you sure she's smarter? Maybe she's just more assertive and/or forceful?

acesubido• 14 years ago

Being "smart" is relative. In what area is she smart? There are many types of intelligence. MMA fighters or Bikers are physically smart, musicians are smart in terms of auditory senses and so and so forth.

In a relationship, as applies to any other aspect in life, we have our roles to play. One major pitfall is to compare each other and make up for your weakness instead of focusing and honing your strengths.

Assuming you have a healthy relationship, her being "smart" doesn't mean anything and should not affect you in any way. She will ultimately depend on you leading her in the relationship. She will depend on you to stand up for her when she feels bad. She delights in you when you share your stories. She feels comfortable when you listen to her even if you don't understand what she is saying.

Be a man for her.

cheshirecat• 14 years ago

If she doesn't care, why should you? Learn from her and be exceptional as well. Be confident. She wouldn't date you if she had not found something special in you.

gexla3• 14 years ago

She is your girlfriend? Or you just started dating her? Which is it? ;)

For all your dating questions, go search for "Doc Love" at Ask Men. He writes articles there and they are gold for dating advice. This man is a wizard. Don't take advice from anyone else. Thank me later.

Appearances are everything. Don't worry about being smart, rather, shoot for appearing smart.

One of the most powerful ways to appear smart is to be able to communicate well with good grammar and writing. I see that you could use a lot of improvement in those areas, so that's where I would start.

Learn the difference between the usage of "affect" and "effect" (don't let your bad grammar _affect_ your self esteem. ) Learn the difference between the usage of "who" and "that" (the girl _who_ you are dating is better than the girl _that_ your friend is dating.)

http://english.stackexchange.com/questions/11204/how-to-use-...

Go look at just about any list of "top ten skills" and communication and good writing skills are probably on that list.

Do a search for grammar resources and spend time each day reading through these resources. Also spend time writing every day.

Good luck!

UnoriginalGuy3• 14 years ago

You cannot be serious about the "Doc Love" dude on Ask Men? That guy just repeats generic platitudes and repeats nonsense from various dating books. I'm fairly sure he is who the "Barney" character on How I Met Your Mother is based.

Reading that site was fun when I was a young guy but as you grow older it becomes very apparent that it is just the blind leading the blind. The entire site is just a giant advertising board pretending to be a magazine.

Purely in terms of dating advice I actually find female commentators better simply because their readership expects more.

gexla3• 14 years ago

I disagree, but you didn't give me enough to argue against. However, I stopped reading his articles years ago. Maybe his articles have gone downhill since I last visited the site.

jamesjguthrie2• 14 years ago

> (the girl _who_ you are dating is better than the girl _that_ your friend is dating.)

Shouldn't that be "the girl whom you are dating?"

gexla3• 14 years ago

You are correct. I'm no grammarian, but I believe I do relatively well and I don't think anyone would dispute my advice on learning to write well.

However, the rules of grammar change over time. Usage of who versus whom is a case which could go either way. There is the proper usage and then there is the popular usage. I hardly ever hear the word "whom" being used and I don't use the word because I feel weird saying it. The fewer people using that word, the less important it becomes as a rule of grammar.

DrorY12• 14 years ago

heh, thanks for the grammar corrections. I fear I am not a native English speaker though. In my mother tongue I write better (I so as hell hope so anyways).

Paul_S• 14 years ago

The frankness of the question caught me by surprise. I don't think I can help you though as I'm not one of those poeple you mention. There's tons of better programmers around the office and most of them are my friends so I'm quite at home with not being the smartest person on the planet. There's more to life than solving problems, as long as you enjoy your time together who cares.

It bothers me though when people try to invent different types of intellect as some sort of consolation prize. Accept that people are different, life's too short to be comparing penis sizes all your life.

UnoriginalGuy3• 14 years ago

> It bothers me though when people try to invent different types of intellect as some sort of consolation prize. Accept that people are different, life's too short to be comparing penis sizes all your life.

Doesn't your first sentence contradict your second one? Or at least the spirit of the two seems contradictory.

The multiple intelligence theory is fairly popular and to be fair it is fairly decent too. As you yourself said people are different and they have different skills.

Intelligence or "smarts" are just vague terms without concrete meanings. It is only in recent times that we decided to measure them using either general knowledge ("gameshow trivia") or mathematical skill.

But for most of human history I bet the most celebrated person in the village would be measured using other yard sticks (e.g. hunting, fighting, running speed, maybe even engineering/inventing) none of which we value at all today.

jonah• 14 years ago

Continue to grow, learn and progress. Don't get stuck, keep moving forward. Be worthy of respect.

AntoPaz• 14 years ago

I had a really exceptional girlfriend (extremely smart, successful and beautiful) - and married her. In general you should see it as a success. Most people only date the next-best-fit, you found someone you admire. Ask her what she admires/ loves in you and you'll surely find out some truly exceptional facts about yourself to soothe your self-esteem.

DrorY12• 14 years ago

That's a cute idea actually. I just hope she won't comment about my looks. I really hope there's something else there :)

CyberFonic2• 14 years ago

Congrats! Your comment suggests, and I concur, that you could find out what she finds attractive about you and then making sure that you don't drop the ball on that and related areas. You need to remember that beauty (handsomeness) is in the eyes of the beholder. Sustaining some shared interests is also very important.

grkovalev• 14 years ago

oh, really ? you was think you're smarter every people if him not be engineer? or women? Many people are smarter you or me and it not surprise and it normally, dont worry, enjoy...

UnoriginalGuy3• 14 years ago

How are you even measuring "smarts?" This seems like more of a personal problem in terms of your perception than a real problem that needs "solving."

As long as the two of you are roughly on the same "level" in that you can have a decent two-way discussion about things you are both interested in; I cannot see how this would ever be an issue.

Also, your self-esteem takes a knock every time you meet someone you deem "smarter?" If that's true then you will struggle to ever reach your potential as you will likely either run-away or get depressed whenever you near your limits.

So I guess what I am saying is: This is an entirely a personal problem. You have created this problem in your head and that is the only place it can be solved. If meeting smarter people, including dating them, really impacts you this badly then you seriously need to work on that (maybe grab a self-help book or go talk to a professional).

I think this problem is far bigger than this one instance or dating...

DrorY12• 14 years ago

I don't have a problem working with people who are smarter than me. I work with them quite often actually. The problem is when it comes to an intimate relationship. I actually do not think we are on the same level. I think that my level is quite alright, but she very much tops it.

adrianhoward• 14 years ago

I'd say my partner is smarter than I am (in many ways anyway). She's managed to put up with me for... gosh... nearly eighteen years now. So I'd count that as a win :-)

Personally I love being around people who are smarter than I am in one area or another. You never make progress in life if you don't challenge yourself. K challenges me all the time. It's a good thing.

Why would it be a problem?

(In fact have some general advice - not relationship advice. If you are "used to be the smartest guys around" - then change your location. You are statistically unlikely to be the smartest person on the planet. If you're not hanging around with people you find as smart or smarter on one dimension or another then that may have more to do with where you feel comfortable. You don't get better by staying somewhere where you're already on top.)

junto• 14 years ago

My ex was much smarter than me. Top of her computer science class as a woman was no mean feat with one of the highest overall grades in the department's history. Jumped straight from B.Sc to Ph.D, skipping the usual masters expectation/requirement (UK). She has a couple of papers published concerning language processing.

We got on well and she helped me through a dreary computer science bachelors course, for which I am very grateful. We went our separate ways afterwards for a variety of reasons (all non-related to the fact that she was smarter than I was).

Though incredibly smart, she had her own failings. We all have.

If you have a self-esteem problem with your girlfriend being smarter than you, then that is your problem. Self-esteem: the key is in the word 'self'. Put another way, if you were smarter than her, do you think that would be a problem for her?

Look to find areas where you can complement your girlfriend. You'll soon realize you have talents where she doesn't and vice versa. Embrace them and her!

CyberFonic2• 14 years ago

She isn't that smart if she is dating a jerk with self-esteem issues!

You still reading? Great! Some of the greatest scientists in their mature years acknowledged that there was far more which they didn't know than what they did. Being smart is more about learning and growing as a human being. Not just winning some variant of Trivial Pursuit.

Maybe this could become a stretch goal for both of you. Best wishes for a terrific shared adventure.

DrorY12• 14 years ago

I appreciate this wake up call. I don't think I have problems accepting criticism and I think I deserve it here.

impendia• 14 years ago

I am jealous as hell. :)

To answer your question, the most useful two pieces of advice I've received are:

(1) Your attention is enough. Just be interested in her, pay attention to her, enjoy the experience.

(2) Don't be afraid of rejection. Will she dump you? Sure, it's possible. I've been dumped before. But if so it likely won't be because you made a mistake. Don't try to predict what will happen, just go for it. If things grow, great, if they don't, you'll still be glad you had the experience.

gadders2• 14 years ago

I believe I read an article in a newspaper once where they tracked married couples with differing IQs over time.

Where the male was the smarter partner, the woman's IQ increased.

Where the female was the smarter partner, the woman's IQ decreased.

I guess the consolation from this is it may become a less acute problem over time :-)

DrorY12• 14 years ago

this is genius. Do you a link to the article perhaps?

gadders2• 14 years ago

I've tried, but my google-fu is weak today. It was from a good few years back (i.e. 5 or so).

jacknews• 14 years ago

doesn't matter who's smarter. who's dominant? I think studies have shown that relationships where the woman is the dominant pare unfulfilling for both partners, in general.

DrorY12• 14 years ago

Well I don't think that any of us is very dominant. We don't have dominant personalities either.

I do know that when we debate she's very dominant as she always seems to better know or understand the issue than me.

mortdeus• 14 years ago

My advice in life is not to worry about intelligence when it comes to love. Everyone is capable of learning beyond there current capacity and no knowledge is unobtainable or incomprehensible if you have the motivation to learn. Intelligence only affects the time it takes to comprehend an idea and perhaps even extend that idea into innovation. People all have their things they are intelligent at.

What you need to do is examine the qualities about you that makes her attracted to you. If shes a smart girl and she knows what she personally wants out of a relationship dont let your self esteem ruin that because you assume she is looking for a rocket scientist boyfriend. Chances are she has dated smart guys and believe it or not. Smart guys tend to be just as egotistical and insecure as anybody else even if they have everything going for them. (attractive, good job, big house, ect). The thing about smart guys like this, is that they like to feel like they are the smartest thing that walked into the room and that their opinions and theories are the one and only true way of processing information. They would feel threatened by the woman and try to make himself better than her, usually by manipulating her self esteem.

This does happen more often then we would like to admit and women in today's age, especially a smart one just wants to be recognized for the characteristics that define her. You are already showing a quality she probably values in you by identifying the fact that she is intelligent and that is a value worth appreciating in a woman.

Which I must say, speaks alot for your own intelligence and sense of maturity. Just listen to what she says because intelligent people love to share the things they know and be asked questions. Discussions and perhaps even a little debating. (have to be careful that you debate and not argue, know what you are talking about :P).

Dont stress the details when it comes to romance. Just love every minute of it and focus on providing for your partners emotional needs and always encourage them to improve themselves in life. Thats what makes a successful long lasting relationship, not this notion of being the "alpha" male that society likes to sell us on. Sure there are woman like that in the world. But they tend to be the kind who ends up valuing the opinions on the Jersey Shore as apposed to the opinions held by leading research scientists in the world. :P

RollAHardSix• 14 years ago

Go see a psychologist. Truly, for just asking this question. Not just for male superiority but because of some narcissistic tendency that you think you are supposed to be smarter then her.

I can assure you that no matter how smart you think you are, women will always be smarter then you; especially if it's an argument.

You're not even giving us a baseline of what 'smarts' is in your definition. I've dated women who were seemingly less intelligent and yet had more street-smarts and social-intelligence then I could ever hope to have. Intelligence isn't just being able to do fancy math with long equations. If you needed to fix your car and she knew how to do it and you were clueless, then she'd be smarter then you. Everyone has strengths, everyone has weaknesses. This isn't exactly ground-breaking information either (or really shouldn't be).

DrorY12• 14 years ago

well I answered runjake question with my definition of smarts. http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=4502503

runjake2• 14 years ago

Define "smarter".

DrorY12• 14 years ago

She's capable of studying any new topic much faster than I. Even topic that she has no experience in and I have been working on for several years. She's doing an MD in Medicine and a bsc in computer science simultaneously. She's also a Marathon runner and a quite successful artist.

runjake2• 14 years ago

So, more focused and motivated, then?

caw• 14 years ago

Just some ideas to improve your ego:

Marathon runner - Result of LOTS of training; you shouldn't count this at all, except to say she's motivated to run.

Successful artist - Creative, skilled, and/or knows what people will buy. Are you a successful <insert job position here>? How did you get there? Surely you have some combination of skills that got you there.

Quickness of learning - Perhaps she knows the optimal learning style for herself, and you do not.

MD + BSc - Time management plus being able to retain the information and apply it. This could relate to the quickness of learning.

Now for the bad news: Maybe you're legitimately "not as smart" as your girlfriend, for whatever definition of "smart" you're using. Not everything is about pure IQ scores.

I agree with the other comments that people have different areas of skills, and everyone may not have the same ability level in a given area, but the idea is that your skills complement each other.

SorelMihai• 14 years ago

How do you define "smart"? Is your girlfriend simply just a better person than you are or she's just more intelligent?

Intelligence is usually something you inherit or you get as a gift, when you're born. Being smart or stupid works the same with being short or tall. Not exactly something that you can change.

It's stupid to judge ourselves or other people by these premises. It's smart to judge people by the way work with these premises. You can be very intelligent and endup doing a lot of bad things or you can be stupid as hell but do good and add real value to the world.

So don't bother yourself anymore. Love her, don't lie to hear, fuck her well and make her laugh. You'll be just fine.

Ask: My girlfriend is much smarter than I, how do I manage?

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