Ask HN: My father passed away. How do deal with the grief?

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=43166256

by gogo61 • 1 year ago

37 26 1 year ago

news.ycombinator.com

It has been one month since he passed and i have been continuously crying. I am writing this with tears in my eye.

I am terribly sorry for your loss. This helped me when a parent died unexpectedly, I hope it helps you too. I wish you peace.

https://old.reddit.com/r/GriefSupport/comments/d9685e/grief_...

https://old.reddit.com/r/Assistance/comments/hax0t/my_friend...

gogo61• 1 year ago

Thank you so much. I will read those.

AnimalMuppet2• 1 year ago

It's been three years for my father, and a month for my mother.

First: There is no one "right" way to grieve. Don't feel like there's something wrong with crying for a month.

It does get better with time. You reach a point where you're only crying some of the time. (I describe it as "I'm not bleeding, but it still hurts if anything bumps it".)

For me personally, I am a Christian. "We mourn, but not as those who have no hope." It changes the grief. It's still grief, but doesn't have as bitter an edge on it. Depending on where you're coming from, though, that option may not be open to you.

Sometimes I see someone who bears a strong resemblance to my father. When I do, I usually go up to them, explain that my father died, they look like him, and ask if I can have a hug. It's not him, and I always wind up crying, but it helps me.

Crying as I type this...

Praying for God's comfort for you.

replwoacause• 1 year ago

When I do, I usually go up to them, explain that my father died, they look like him, and ask if I can have a hug. It's not him, and I always wind up crying, but it helps me.

I don't think I've ever heard anything like this before. Have you ever gotten a bad reaction from someone? Or do they always oblige?

AnimalMuppet2• 1 year ago

I've done this maybe half a dozen times. I have never gotten a rejection; I have always gotten a hug.

alberts614• 1 year ago

I’m truly sorry for the passing of your father. Stay strong. After letting your emotions out, please continue to live your life to the fullest and cherish every second. It’s okay to feel sad for a while, but don’t let the sadness linger too long. One day, you will reunite with your father in heaven. Stay strong.

dieselgate• 1 year ago

Sorry for your loss. Death may be the most absolute part of life - don’t cry because it’s over smile because it happened. It’s okay to never “get over” something but wish you strength to overcome the immediate difficulties.

theodpHN• 1 year ago

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." Well-said. Hard as it can be, try to temper the sadness with good memories - you may even find yourself smiling through the tears at times. Take care.

gtirloni• 1 year ago

don’t cry because it’s over smile because it happened

Exactly. In this savage universe where death is unavoidable, this is a great help. From all the possibilities in this vast universe, you happen to exist and so did your father and you had a chance to interact. The fact that OP is crying after a month, means it was good. Remember the good days, what good things you said to each other, etc. I'm sure there is a lot of it. Some people's relationships with their parents don't allow for this, unfortunately, so cherish it.

Things will be fine.

brudgers• 1 year ago

My condolences. Your grief responses sound normal and healthy to my ear for such a deep loss.

Mental health professionals with expertise regarding grief are a thing…my beloved is one. Helping people with their extraordinary grieving experiences is an ordinary part of their work day.

So maybe professional counseling is something to consider at some point. Maybe it is not. And again my condolences.

jjude• 1 year ago

I feel your loss. My mother passed away a year ago. As a first son, I was close to her. As Denzel Washington said, "A Mother is a Son’s first true love". As a 50 year old, I thought I would be able to handle it well. But I didn't.

Here are somethings I learned:

- to mourn well, mourn deeply and privately: I deleted all social media apps. I cried. I spent time alone thinking of all the times that I spent with her. I eulogized, I wrote about her. I did everything to mourn deeply. That could be done only in private. I don't think you can mourn in public.

- follow tradition to mourn: I have been an anti-tradition person all along. But I found out tradition is useful to mourn. Every culture has traditions for mourning - in our case, going to grave, going to church, 3rd day mass etc.

- find your ways to express your grief. Some write, some sing, some sit amidst nature....

- it will never be over: a year has gone and there are days I wake up in the middle of the night thinking of everything she did for me and the moments we spent together.

I wish you well.

If it helps: I wrote about my learning here: https://www.jjude.com/lessons-from-mourning/

m463• 1 year ago

I wish I knew the answer to this too.

for me, time was what did it, but that advice never helps. All the psychological things to do may be hit or miss because everyone experiences it differently.

I think you should take care of yourself physically.

Eat well, don't overeat. Don't eat junk or sugar.

Exercise helps. It helped me to make myself tired. Go to bed exhausted. I think exercise and sleeping hard will blunt things.

good luck, and sorry for your loss.

dcminter• 1 year ago

This, I think, is good advice.

What I sometimes say is that you don't get over it, but you do get used to it.

-1• 1 year ago

My father passed away in October and it’s still difficult. I’ve dealt with grief before - two very close family members passed. The hard truth is you will never fully recover. 7 years later, a memory will bring you to tears.

The only thing that relieves it somewhat is time, in my experience. Something else that I kind of think helped was trying to guess what my dad would want for me (living sensibly, taking care of myself etc.), and try my best to follow it (not perfectly or even very well, but I try). I hope you will recover from your grief as rapidly as possible. I don’t think my father would like the idea of me being crushed by grief, and I don’t suppose yours would either!

cblum• 1 year ago

Very sorry for your loss. I lost my dad almost 13 years ago and my mom 4 years ago, much earlier than I though I’d lose either of them.

The initial intensity of the grief you’re feeling will go away with time, and you’ll go back to feeling normal. But I do wanna share with you that some amount of grief will always be there with you from now on. My experience has been that even after all these years, I’ve thought about and missed my parents pretty much every single day since they passed. You should know that that’s coming, and it’ll be particularly tough around major life events like getting married and having kids.

Know that what you’re going through is normal and human. Try to get as much rest as you can, and reach out to people close to you to either talk through things or get distracted for a moment.

runjake• 1 year ago

Slowly over time. Lots of time. Think: 1-2 years for initial grief to pass. And from there, echos of grief.

What you're going through is normal and okay. This is how it's supposed to be.

twunde• 1 year ago

Something popular in my area, especially in the somatics community, are grief ceremonies ala https://www.earthdance.net/event/grieving-ourselves-whole-ex... although there are several variations. If that feels too new age-y or its not offered near where you live, it may be worth looking for grief groups/bereavement support, either through your preferred religious institution or through the local medical community (they're often supported by your local hospital)

kypro• 1 year ago

Try to remember the pain you feel is a reflection of how much you love and miss the people and animals who were once in your life.

Don't try to deal with it in the sense of trying to minimising the pain, but learn to appreciate that pain.

The crying is painful, but it's the right response. You're crying because you had someone wonderful in your life who you love and miss. Of course you should be grieving, if you weren't they wouldn't have mattered.

These days I tend to think my experience in this world is a little too weird and little too statistically improbable. I don't know what that means, but I tend to think this isn't base reality and that there's a lot we don't understand about why we're here, or why anything is for that matter.

So while I'm not religious, I keep an open mind about what's possible and the reality of my experiences. Is world state necessarily irrecoverable, or is something keeping daily backup? Is my existence as linear as my experience? And is my experience even necessarily linear? I don't know and no one really knows these things. I like to think there's at least some chance I'll get to see people and animals I love again... The unknowns help me a little.

vyasaveda• 1 year ago

Sorry for the loss and deep condolences brother. I wish I had the answer, but these will definitely help.

As far as I know, try to take a shower in the morning, as soon as you wake up. Try walking with barefoot, and cry at least 5/10 minutes a day with tears. And try to be busy, and communicate with loved ones. Cry as long as you can, and tear those emotions until there are enough remaining for future, as memories.

Also, after a month and so, try to stop crying and keep the emotions within you. It's said crying helps us to feel better but we loose those emotions. And the emotions related to your father are very important for your behavior and your time with your child.

didgetmaster• 1 year ago

There is no magic formula. Every relationship and every death is a bit different. How they died. How old both you and they are. How close your relationship was and how often you interacted with them. All these things play a role. And everyone deals with grief differently. Some people are very emotional (about many things). Some deal with things in a much more subtle way.

How much you cry (or grieve in other ways) does not necessarily have much to do with how much you cared about them.

fallinditch2• 1 year ago

I'm sorry for your loss.

Some good advice I once received was to just be with those feelings. Don't try to overcome it or fight it but acknowledge it and let it be, it's normal. The acutely painful feelings will diminish over time and you will gain strength and the capacity to move on in healthy ways. Good luck :)

fallinditch2• 1 year ago

Paul McCartney wrote Let It Be after he had a dream about his deceased mother.

Spooky23• 1 year ago

I’m really sorry for your loss and what you’re going through. I lost my dad to a stroke, my wife to cancer and my mother and father in law (who I was very close to) in the space of two years. So I’ve been through it.

Everyone is different. Losses affect you in various ways, time can help but the wound is always there. Things will trigger a response to you that you wouldn’t expect. I found a post-it note with a few things my wife jotted down this morning, and it really sent me reeling for a bit after almost two years.

The key thing is that you’re allowed to feel. People may think your fellings are not appropriate… it’s too much / too little / etc. You may feel hesitant to express or otherwise say or be things because you’re worried about what people will think or react. Don’t do that.

I’d encourage you to ask for help and say things. You probably have people who want to be there for you in some way, but they don’t know how. Ask. Talk. You’re allowed to. If you need to go walk in the woods, do it. If you need to be around people, do it. You’ll find your way.

You may want to get professional help, but again, it’s up to you. Everyone eventually loses someone who really impacts us and as society we’re really bad at talking about it — but know you’re not alone.

dirtybirdnj• 1 year ago

I lost my ex wife and cat to divorce last May. My world fell apart the day after my birthday. My mom has been in and out of the hospital since November... two weeks after the divorce was finalized.

Trying to "live my life" has been the only answer to the grief, but it also has been profoundly painful and unproductive. I don't feel like I'm actually making progress... just perpetually existing in this state where I can never get my needs met as every last ounce of support, love and any family connection drains out of me.

Try to think of things that would have made him happy or proud of you. Do those things not just for them... but for yourself too. Keep their memory alive through your words and actions.

Feel your feelings... I've had to spend a lot of time just sobbing. Absorbing it trying to let it pass over me... I try not to fight it anymore. In fact I think sometimes I embrace it too much. Eventually you get better at holding it and letting it go... like a breeze of wind.

You will never forget them, you will have their memory forever. I don't know what comes after the grief of how to get through it but I'm trying to hang on with every last bit of strength I have left.

Ocerge• 1 year ago

As a fellow divorcee (minus 3 cats I miss dearly as well), it took me a while to realize that what I was feeling _was_ grief, and still is. I am now happily remarried to a woman who is certainly better for me, but even though it was ~5 years ago, I still feel pain and sadness from my divorce. It will never fully go away, it just becomes a scar that you're reminded of from time to time.

temp9• 1 year ago

I must be having problems I was not realizing I have, when my dad passed away I wanted to feel something but I just could not. Tears never came in, the life just kept going. I was (and still try to remember about) praying for salvation of his soul, but apart from that no feelings at all. We were very close with my dad, I wish I can be kind of father he was..

Ask HN: My father passed away. How do deal with the grief?

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