Ask HN: How did you become a good listener?

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=40882095

by arkitaip • 2 years ago

18 21 2 years ago

news.ycombinator.com

Do friends and colleagues appreciate you for your listening skills? Do people find you advice valuable? If so, how did you home the required skills?

punkspider• 2 years ago

1. I recognized that many times I answer in a way that's more to entertain me, than actually useful for my discussion partner.

2. It clicked some time after reading "Never split the difference" by Chris Voss. A negotiation book.

At first I understood that I'm listening to understand what my counterpart really wants, that is not saying directly.

An example (I won't remember this correctly and am oversimplifying) was with a Filipino terrorist who was justifying his actions, and the taking of hostages, due to decades of USA injustices to his country. He was asking for a massive amount of money. Turns out he let the hostages go when the negotiator acknowledged what the terrorist was upset about - something like "I understand that you're upset because the USA did X, and they did Y, and Z, etc"

So by that the book made it's point that I should actually listen to what people are saying, because I myself don't understand immediately what I want while I'm talking, so as to tell someone "I want X".

Another example the drove that point home - The author and his son were preparing for something and he asked for a notebook. But the son was giving him a folder, because in his head a notebook is like a folder. And it goes something like:

    Chris Voss: Give me the notebook about the thing.
    Son: Gives the folder.
    Chris Voss (frustrated): Not the folder, the notebook!
    Son: Notebook?
    Chris Voss: 3 ring binder.

Video of him explaining: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PcSxpdj84hs

Finally, after about 6 months what really made it click was the part on how to listen on his appearance on the Lex Fridman podcast: https://youtu.be/8EguLJgkc54?t=1307

What drove the point home was his experience starting up at the suicide hotline.

He learned to listen in a way to help the other person untangle their minds.

So basically rubber duck debugging. And that's what I try to do now. I always think like I'm assisting people untangle their thoughts and what they want to say. This helps me also ask questions and not assume anything. And I think I get some dopamine when I ask a good question and they elaborate, because my goal is to learn more about what the other person is talking about, which makes me listen more.

qup• 2 years ago

Even if you are a person that people like to solicit advice from, you'll find they rarely follow it if it's very different from what they do normally. That makes me a bit reluctant to give much of it.

Listening, though, is a great talent that is very beneficial to yourself. I don't think it's really something you have to become; rather, you can switch it on and off. Focus your attention on them and do not interrupt. Hear what they're saying. If it's emotional, try to read between the lines. Don't make corrections when they're not critically important. Look them in the eyes.

That's probably a good start.

beretguy• 2 years ago

I don’t like talking a lot, so I just listen people talking at me.

Nevin1901• 2 years ago

Work in a job where you talk to people (eg: supermarket) and you'll pick up listening skills. Also listen to family, friends, etc. I mean half of the battle is literally being open minded and just genuinely be interested in someone. If not, then why else are you listening to them?

reureu• 2 years ago

I volunteered as a crisis counselor: was trained in crisis counseling, and then thrown on phone lines for hundreds of hours. I use those skills every day in work and my personal life.

The three biggest parts that I learned and got good at, which have come in really handy are: reflective listening, non-directive communication, and not asking "why" questions.

Reflective listening is repeating back what the person is saying to them. It's definitely more art than science, since if you do it too overtly it just feels cheesy and not genuine. But done subtly and well, people open up in really noticeable ways.

Non-directive communication means not telling people what to do. That doesn't mean you don't have opinions about the situation or that you don't push them towards a decision... it just means that your role is to be a sounding board. If someone comes to you saying "My partner cheated on me", the response many people have is "dump them!" -- but you're not living their life, you don't know all the complexities of the situation even if this is your best friend. So, instead of "dump them", a series of questions can often help someone through the situation and leave everyone feeling more seen and heard ("What happened? How are you feeling about that? What do you think this means for your relationship? What would have to happen for you to trust them again? How would you feel staying with them? breaking up with them?" etc)

Not asking why questions is difficult, but once you get the hang of it it's really easy. "Why" questions are almost impossible to say without there being some tone or judgement. "Why did you do that? Why did that thing break? Why didn't you tell me that?" You can often rephrase the question to a more neutrally worded question (sometimes they also sound judgmental, so tone and context matter a lot): "What were you hoping would happen? How did you see this playing out? What do you think led to the system breaking? What can I do differently to allow you to feel comfortable sharing?"

Ultimately it all takes practice, and fundamentally you need to have the time and space to be a good listener. If you only have 2 minutes between meetings, then you're probably not going to have the capacity to listen to your friend talk about their divorce or health scare. But ultimately people like talking about themselves while feeling safe-- so anything you can do to create and encourage that environment will cause people to feel like you're a good listener.

al_borland• 2 years ago

Everyone else in my family talks a lot, so I grew up mostly listening to other people talk. When people are looking to talk, I let them talk and don’t try to compete for space.

ensocode• 2 years ago

I can relate to this

bihan• 2 years ago

by genuinely being interested in what the other person has to say.

hnthrowaway0328• 2 years ago

Getting a wife has been so far the best and fastest route to practice soft skills.

Desafinado• 2 years ago

I find actually caring about other people and what they say rather than 'trying to be a good listener' helps me be a good listener.

p0d• 2 years ago

I'm not sure if I'm a good listener, but I've improved by asking people questions instead of just talking about myself. Doing this makes you realize how tedious it is to be around people who dominate conversations, and it shows you how tedious you might have been yourself.

outlore• 2 years ago

Counting to seven, then the impulse to interrupt goes away

instagib• 2 years ago

Hang around smarter, wealthier, more interesting people. It will be a solved problem by hearing more interesting stories and follow up questions.

Figure out softball conversation starters. How do you know: party host, have you done any traveling lately, etc. Practice conversation skills and try to increase your friend group.

As for the valuable part it depends on the group. Some may fact check you and others may take notes.

setnone• 2 years ago

One thing that surely helps is empathy, which is a skill in itself.

rokisen157• 2 years ago

I born with it. I don't have habit of talking.

josephrmartinez2• 2 years ago

Here is something actionable you can start doing immediately: recognize when you are jumping into habitual reactions in conversation. (e.g. problem-solving, giving advice, storytelling, devil's advocate, etc). I have a list of those here under "concepts": https://josephrmartinez.github.io/reactionsjournal/

Just chill out and try not doing that for a few seconds. Not saying this is always the wrong thing to do, but if your intention is to have your friends and colleagues appreciate your listening skills I think this is the starting point. Be more present to the conversation; responding to what they are actually saying and not just habitually reacting.

prashantsengar• 2 years ago

I got a 404 when opening your link. I had to go to https://josephrmartinez.github.io/reactionsjournal/ then click around to go to that page

josephrmartinez2• 2 years ago

Eep! Thanks for pointing that out. I'll just put the list here: - Giving advice - Changing the subject - Dismissing feelings - Leading questions - Devil's advocate - Sympathy (e.g. "I know exactly what you're going through...") - Commiserating - Defensiveness - Static labeling - Sarcasm - Shutting down - Intellectualizing - One-upping - Storytelling

Not saying these are all bad all the time. Just things to maybe start noticing. See what happens when you just hold off on these types of reactions for a moment.

You don't even have to do anything. Just... chill. Be silent. Think about what the person said.

I've found this is a more actionable place to start than something like "read this book" or "take this course"

Jake_w• 2 years ago

I try to put myself in the other person’s shoes to understand their emotions and find the best advice.

ambivalents• 2 years ago

I try to listen for the feeling behind/under the words being spoken. Ask yourself why they're saying the thing they're saying, and try to respond to that.

brokegrammer• 2 years ago

First you have to see people as human beings instead of "human doings". Instead of sizing them up and judging their worth by their achievements, you have to see them as creatures worth interacting with for no reason.

Growing up in a transactional culture, I had the habit of only talking and listening to people if I need something from them or if they achieved massive financial success. This is a very sad way to live life.

Studying the philosophy of Absurdism helped immensely with that, and I also traveled the world to interact with different cultures.

Ask HN: How did you become a good listener?

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