Life Changing Books on Sex and Relationships

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=38565784

by rookie123 • 3 years ago

48 50 3 years ago

news.ycombinator.com

Hey fellow HN, 2 years back I asked books which changed your life most and got a massive response.

Since then, I have been thinking about asking the question for Sex and Relationships. So here we are, please share the most impactful book you have read on Sex/Relationships.

Additional caveat, good if you can add your gender and relationship status along with your answer for betterment of other readers.

molly_radstowe• 3 years ago

"Monogamy," by Adam Phillips: very short, paradigm-shifting observations about the assumptions we make about our relationships

ahazred8ta• 3 years ago

The 'Life Changing Books' thread from Dec 2021:

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=29605394

jorisboris2• 3 years ago

“7 principles for making marriage work” had a couple of new insights for me

peacechance• 3 years ago

The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities

All About Love: New Visions

jesterson6• 3 years ago

The Rational Male - Rollo Tomassi.

I know it likely going to be a hated example, but nonetheless I strongly suggest to read it if you are confused or unsure about certain aspects of relationships.

GaryNumanVevo2• 3 years ago

I'd agree, Rational Male is a life changing book.

It works on a number of levels:

- Confirms many young man's (usually wrong) biases about women.

- Provides a convenient post-hoc rationalization to men who cannot get laid.

- Further mystifies the idea of women by building convoluted pseudo-intellectual structures.

sa-code• 3 years ago

It definitely changed a friend's life for the worse, and he's gotten even worse at relationships than he previously was

OfSanguineFire• 3 years ago

As someone who has occasionally stumbled across the community around this book at Reddit, I do wonder why so many of these men keep trying. When I reached, from relationship experience, my own conclusion that any partner in a relationship would inevitably have different and incompatible goals, motivations, and outlook from own, I simply chose to live alone from then on.

Obviously people might crave companionship. But if one is frustrated in obtaining that to the point of seizing on literature like Tomassi’s book, why keep hitting one’s head against that wall?

jesterson6• 3 years ago

I would suggest one perspective - curiosity. Often i like to observe relationships not from standpoint of having it or getting in, but from standpoint of evolutionary game, which it is. Surely sometimes it’s easier to recluse yourself from situation or a problem. But it won’t be fun :)

prepend4• 3 years ago

I had this book recommended to me so many times, I read it and really disagreed with it on so many levels [0].

Generally I don’t like how the author acts like everything is rooted in science and everyone is forced to act out their biology.

And I don’t like its oppositional nature of men vs women in a zero sum game to get what? Married? Laid?

It’s not a useless book, especially if you want to be an alpha and pick up girls.

But I think I’m looking for a bit more than that and feel there are genuine connections based on interest and purpose and aligned goals. And the other people interested in that would detect and not be interested in the “tactics” called out here.

The book mentions hypergamy many, many times and this is based on the biological inferiority of women to men and for women to seek out men more attractive than them. I think there are now many women with equal or even superior careers and ambitions and passions who aren’t seeking a “superior” mate. The book spends some time calling out how people like me are wrong, etc. but the evidence presented is a bunch of anecdotes.

And every anecdote told just made me think all parties are skeezy and not attractive to me. In that I don’t want to pick up waitresses and randos, etc.

So this may be a situation of the book and technique just isn’t for me. But I wanted to share this because it really is recommended so much to me and it perplexed me how bad the book seemed to me.

[0] https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/4273072082

lxgr2• 3 years ago

Generally I don’t like how the author acts like everything is rooted in science and everyone is forced to act out their biology.

The naturalistic fallacy is a pretty easy one to commit, and it seems to be running especially rampant in the genre of "scientific"/"rational" dating/relationship advice.

Don't get me wrong, I believe that evolutionary biology has tons of interesting discoveries that can help humanity understand itself better, and I find it extremely interesting myself.

But the fallacy happens when looking at what there is, in terms of the biological/genetic basis (and frankly, the evidence and science is often not nearly as clear as these books present it), and taking that as a guideline or even commandments as for what there ought to be.

Harari has a nice way of putting this idea in "Sapiens": If there is a defining nature to Homo sapiens, it is that we have a quite strong and persistent capability of not being bound to our biology's defining nature (hope I'm paraphrasing somewhat accurately here).

Of course biology (as the hardware that's running our software) has an incredibly strong influence on our experience, and denying that has caused a lot of needless suffering (and still does), but just explaining away the significant impact of culture and our minds on our biological reality seems overly reductionist.

Or to go with a computational analogy: Our minds are turing-complete, so they can run any software there can possibly exist – some paths do have extremely good hardware acceleration, but efficiency isn't everything in (human) life :)

jesterson6• 3 years ago

Please don’t take it the wrong way - but from what you say I tend to sense some idealistic attitudes.

The book doesn’t teach how to “be alpha and get laid”. The most important aspect of it is knowledge of opposite gender games. If you understand it - you will never ever be confused of relationships. If you don’t - you will be constantly confused.

The truth, like God, doesn’t care if you disagree with it or not. It’s just there, whether you like it or not, whether you believe in it or not.

Things like game exist and will always be because it’s necessary for evolution. On other hand, things like “genuine connection” do not exist outside of your imagination.

fuzzfactor• 3 years ago

I kind of think that if you have life-changing relationships, the books and the sex will fall into place more sensibly.

rgoulter• 3 years ago

Tannen's "You Just Don't Understand". https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/You_Just_Don%27t_Understand

Key idea in the book is that a lot of argument and disagreement arises from mismatched social attitudes/communication between men & women, similar to how cross-cultural assumptions can cause offense.

Presents a model that (typically) men socialise with a focus more on competition, independence, and status, whereas (typically) woman socialise with a focus on cooperation, inter-dependence, and intimacy.

jmathai• 3 years ago

This is one of the big 5 personality traits (agreeableness).

I found that these cover most everything and the combinations are the most interesting and useful.

As I get older, I find that people closer to the middle across these traits are the ones I enjoy being around.

This helps me know what areas I can work on to be a more pleasant human being :)

https://www.jordanbpeterson.com/docs/230/2014/25Soldz.pdf

maxlamb• 3 years ago

“A General Theory of Love” by T. Lewis et al.

joop_dev2• 3 years ago

Mating in captivity by Esther Perel. It touches on how comfort and safety in a relationship can pose a challenge on sexual desire and excitement as an increase in one can decrease the other. It provides realizations and examples that make you think and see your relationship in a different way. It also touches on how societal norms and views can conflict with sexual desires and limit us in expressing ourselves

circlefavshape• 3 years ago

Esther Perel is amazing, but alas this book didn't solve the problems I hoped it would

4gotunameagain• 3 years ago

While I cannot know which problems you are referring to, I'm afraid problems of this nature are not resolved just by reading a book :)

joop_dev2• 3 years ago

Cannot speak for your situation, but I did find the book not so actionable. Was hoping for more tools or guidance

marcinostefano• 3 years ago

Venusian Arts: Revelation

quantified• 3 years ago

Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy by Jessica Fern.

Otternonsenz• 3 years ago

Can agree this one is fantastic, and you don’t need to be polyamorous or in a poly relationship to get something out of it. I would recommend it for anyone who wants to be more secure in non-amorous relationships as well, as the stuff in here could easily be applied to those situations.

You could probably find other books on attachment theory, but the application of those ideas in a book that is based on the individual and how to navigate your own attachment issues in the midst of multiple relationships is great.

planckscnst• 3 years ago

Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski helped me appreciate certain aspects of my sexuality in a way that changed my life wonderfully

andrei_says_• 3 years ago

Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagosky

joshxyz• 3 years ago

the way of superior man by david deida - this is a traditional take between the masculine and feminine.

the alabaster girl by zan perrion - this is an in depth exploration of social dynamics in relationships.

galfarragem• 3 years ago

«Hot women are attracted to “shiny objects”: money clips, camera lenses, fancy watches. All you have to do is flash it better or more profusely than the next guy and you’re in. This is something men can understand, for there is logic here, and structure. A road map to follow: acquire shiny objects, acquire hot women. Simple. One for the left arm and one for the right arm? Sure, why not?

Beautiful women do not care about these things at all. They are attracted to only one thing in men: beauty. And what is the beauty in a man? A lifelong devotion to a personal passion, a passion larger than him, larger than her, larger than the whole wide world, a passion that radiates from his pores until the day he dies. This is the beauty of men. And this is why beautiful women are forever in love with starving artists, musicians, dreamers, iconoclasts. They love these men because they, too, possess a certain, rare beauty. They, too, are set apart.»

-- Zan Perrion, "The alabaster girl"

thorin• 3 years ago

I think there is some truth in that. In a recent interview Shane McGowan's wife stated she was interested in him because he could get her access to lots of celebrities and she was very shallow. She wanted to get invites to parties with Elton John or David Bowie. Then she realised that he wasn't motivated by any of that stuff and would just as soon have a conversation with a homeless person that someone "important". She was very impressed with his empathy and community spirit and it changed her as a person to be with him. Your description would certainly explain their relationship.

supertofu• 3 years ago

I don't love this, but I don't disagree at all. I think many men underestimate just how much women crave and seek out beauty. Not just within themselves, but within the world. Men who have a similar eye for beauty are irresistible to a certain kind of woman.

sadur• 3 years ago

_Radical Love: A revolution for the 21st century_ by Lídia Puigvert & Jesús Gómez.

alok-g• 3 years ago

Human Relationships, by Steve Duck

https://www.amazon.com/Human-Relationships-Steve-Duck-ebook/...

The book aims to present research insights in a way to be of practical use for a common person.

domod• 3 years ago

- The 5 Love Languages - Gary Chapman, had a big impact on my relationships

- Tantra Sex - Kerry & Diane Riley, control & enjoy sexuality on an other level

- Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship - David Schnarch

prepend4• 3 years ago

I recently read Chapman’s book and it was really helpful in getting across a simple idea that I wished I had known many years ago.

rramadass• 3 years ago

Interesting thread.

We can find notable takes on this subject from bawdy folk tales/stories/plays/poems from many cultures. For an English translation of many Sanskrit texts from Ancient India on this topic see the works of A.N.D.Haksar - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A._N._D._Haksar

otabdeveloper4• 3 years ago

You're just gonna get 1001 self-serving suggestions on why monogamy is le bad.

(Professional sex-haver tip: sexuality is like nutrition - consistency and moderation is 90% of being physically and mentally fit.)

malfist• 3 years ago

Why do you think that?

I'm in a polygamist relationship, have been for just over five years. No one in the community I know thinks monogamy is bad, I don't think monogamy is bad. Neither monogamy nor polygamy is bad.

It's a personal preference that only matters to the ones making the decisions. As long as you are making the decision, there is no wrong answer

reaperman• 3 years ago

Same here. It's far more often my poly social group tells friends not to enter polyamory. It's right for some people, but not for most people. All the poly people I know have the utmost respect for people who declare themselves monogamous and adhere to it through their behavior. Long monogamous marriages are glorified and celebrated, at least by the people in my poly community.

RamblingCTO• 3 years ago

Attached by Levine and Heller

prepend4• 3 years ago

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment by Levine and Heller [0] - this was really useful for understanding relationships and how I and others respond to relationships, love, work, etc. was rather eye opening to me.

Boundaries by Henry Cloud [1] - this seems like a basic concept and I thought I knew about this but this book helped. I expect there are others so reading one or two good ones will probably do, but this is the one I read.

Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl [2] - this is not about sex or relationships but about the meaning of life and why. It helped me think about how others view life and while initially I thought this was about professional and spiritual and intellectual purpose, I realized it’s also about finding and connecting with others and that helped me think about interacting with people on a romantic level rather than just with large groups or organizations. It’s a great book overall and probably fits into any person’s mind who is trying to figure out who they are and where they are in the world and where they want to be.

I’m middle aged and ended a decades long relationship a few years ago, so these books are helpful in updating and improving a worldview for sex and relationships.

[0] https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/9547888

[1] https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/944267

[2] https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/4069

spit2wind• 3 years ago

I'm surprised no one has mentioned Gottman. He's a bit tedious, but he studied marriages for 50 years. It's research based and not simply a hypothesis.

jorisboris2• 3 years ago

I did, it’s somewhere way below

serpix• 3 years ago

Harville Hendrix - Getting The Love You Want

Levine Heller - Attached

sirspacey• 3 years ago

NB/monogamous

Didn’t see them here so:

“Our bodies, ourselves.” The old school primer on exploring your sexuality

“The multi-orgasmic man” a significant change in how to experience sex

“Conscious loving” one of the most effective books in shifting out of fear and into play to growth through relationships

p0d• 3 years ago

Good sex extends beyond chemistry and self-pleasure. Good sex strengthens the bond between two people and makes them smile more at each other.

The Bible is my goto for sex and relationships. I am male and have been married for nearly 30 years. The bible teaches me to keep sex, and sex thoughts, for my wife. This is a very different culture from how I grew up. I think too many sexual partners messes with your head as you get older. You romanticise old connections when the going gets tough with your partner. Testing sexual compatibility is also a nonsense. I can confirm I was downright rubbish at sex. In a loving relationship you find a way and get there in the end.

The bible is also counter intuitive about relationships, love your neighbour and your enemy.

Many of the books and theories mentioned here will be long forgotten. There are still many like myself who lean on the ancient wisdom and teachings of Jesus.

Life Changing Books on Sex and Relationships

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