Ask HN: Overcoming an Inferiority Complex

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=2668906

by 18062011 • 15 years ago

20 17 15 years ago

news.ycombinator.com

Dear HN,

I’ve hit a bit of a brick wall in life recently and for the first time in my relatively short life (24) I’ve been diagnosed with depression. This has spurned me into doing a bit of self reflection and soul searching.

I’m a hacker at heart. I love to code and have done since my early teens. By the time I left high school to start university I had already taught myself C++, written games and worked during holidays as a developer for a small local company. I guess that lead to an anti-climax when I went to study Comp. Sci. at university. I attended a reasonably good university by UK standards, top 20 for engineering in the UK. But throughout my time there I always felt like I was missing out, I pretty much walked through the course. Don’t get me wrong I worked hard, real hard but I was never mentally challenged. I would deliberately over-engineer assignments to challenge myself. I was the go to guy for classmates when they were stuck with assignments. I left said university 2 years ago with a 1st class honours degree and average class score of > 80%.

After graduating I took a job working at a large financial organisation in the UK. My day-to-day work is focused on patching and extending a large CRUD application. For the first year I was on a roll, I quickly learnt the twisted innards of the codebase, patched and extended the life out of it and was rewarded with a promotion within 18 months. But it brings me no joy.

I guess where I’m going with this is that I’ve always achieved. I’ve always achieved everything I can within my circumstance. But I’m never satisfied. I always compare my achievements to those of others and dismiss what I have done. This has lead to a feeling of worthlessness and inferiority. Applying this to my current situation I feel stuck. I’m in a secure, well paid job but with little opportunity to learn or develop. I live in a pretty small UK city where all the local software jobs are maintenance of legacy apps. I read HN daily and aspire to be a part of the startup culture and learn by immersion. Yet the more I read the more I read the less confident I becomes in my own ability. I don’t know ROR, I haven’t learnt Haskell and my algorithms skills are rusty at best. How would I ever be good enough to work with these guys?

HN how can I address my thought process and gain more confidence in my ability? Has anybody else overcome anything similar and how did you achieve it?

glasner• 15 years ago

It sounds like you have self confidence issues which lead to a fear of failure. The only way to overcome it is to take a leap of faith. The time is now. I waited until I was 30 to really get over it, and I wasted most of my 20s. So basically:

- stop comparing yourself to others - stop being afraid of failure - just fucking do it

You'll be amazed how freeing it is to not worry about failing anymore. This isn't to say it isn't a hard "habit" to break. I still have my own doubts, but I just remember rejection/failure is only temporary. To paraphrase someone much wiser than me:

"On my deathbed, I will regret not trying things far more than I'll regret failing at them"

So my suggestion to you: start a side project and get to hacking. Pick a small problem that drives you crazy and set out to program a solution in Rails. It doesn't even have to be something to make money; you just need to put yourself out there.

Maybe this isn't you, but your story sounds very familiar. I've been self-employed since I was 20, but I never let myself take it to the next level. If I can save you or someone else those wasted years, it was worth writing this. This Steve Jobs quote still gives me chills, and it spurred me to change my life:

"For the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?” And whenever the answer has been “No” for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something…almost everything – all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose."

180620113• 15 years ago

That Steve quote really resonates.

Your assessment is 100%, it all stems from a lack of self-confidence in my own ability. And that lack of self confidence is causing a constant nagging in my mind that prevents me from achieving what I'm ultimately capable of.

I already have a number of side projects which are predominately mobile apps. One of which has an install base in the thousands. Another of which absolutely bombed and yet took the longest to develop - that was a failure. I don't think I fear failure in my work. Rather I fear failure in life, being rejected for jobs and not being good enough to work at company X or with person Y.

PonyGumbo• 15 years ago

There's really nothing that makes me feel more well-adjusted and self-confident than regular exercise.

priyankt• 15 years ago

Totally agreed. Any kind of daily physical activity (could be exercise, some sport, dance, anything) will definitely help.

phektus• 15 years ago

1. You are inferior, that's a non-changing fact, so get over it. Everybody is inferior relative to somebody else, just as everybody is superior relative to somebody else; it's just how you compare people.

2. You will get better on what you do if you stick to it, but somebody else will be better than you no matter what; that is true for everybody else.

3. You will die someday. Everybody does.

4. You will die soon, as with everybody else.

5. You will surely die - everybody will. So stop obsessing on what you lack and make the most of the time left.

180620113• 15 years ago

Puts things into perspective nicely.

robflynn3• 15 years ago

And to kind of expand upon what phektus said regarding someone else always being better:

Surround yourself with these people! There's an old saying, "if you're the smartest person in the room then you're standing in the wrong room."

I crave knowledge and challenges. If I feel like what I do is too easy then I need something else. I try to find folks who are doing something above and beyond that and begin talking to them.

Never stop learning. I'm probably going off topic again. It's been a long day.

rinkjustice• 15 years ago

When I start to feel discouraged, I get busy with a project. I bury my head in work.

Is this the ideal solution? Maybe not, but doing something constructive keeps your mind from spiralling into negativity.

robflynn3• 15 years ago

This is pretty much how I 'cured' myself, but expanded upon a bit in another reply. Great advice all around.

reirob• 15 years ago

Hello dear hacker fellow,

I fully understand how you feel - I've got to the same state you are, with a difference that it came 10 years later than for you. I've got the same feelings about being unsatisfied, not challenged enough, feeling not useful, feeling not understood. With a difference - though it might not be a real advantage - I did not feel inferior and I do not envy others who achieve more than me. This is because in my youth I had a friend who helped me to gain much confidence.

Still, I got stuck - secure situation, paid job, family, kids, paying the house every month - but not happy. It came to a moment when I went to my doctor and told him that I cannot continue any more. He stopped me from working, 4 months. I still see my doctor twice a week. It's difficult, but it helped me to take decisions - I quit the job and are about to build my own thing. I have still a lot to understand on myself and other personal decisions to take. But bit by bit I get the confidence back, I start contacting friends, start to talk, start to act.

I think you need somebody to speak to. You need real friend(s) with whom you can freely discuss about your feelings, your fears, uncertainties. It might be that a good psychoanalyst might help - this is the case for me, though it took me to try out 2 different before I found the one I am comfortable with. And this despite the fact that I am still critical about psychoanalysis, that I do not fully trust it, that I find psychoanalysts most of the time talking BS, that I find psychoanalysts elitists, despite the fact that they will never take the risk and give you any ETA ;) - for me it helped to resolve some problems.

Two years before my break down, a friend told me that I should start psychoanalysis. And I told him all the arguments, why I was not sure I wanted to - it is expensive, how am I going to provide for my family, it will take too much time, I do not trust psychoanalysis, etc... He told me: "Anyway, one day you will have no choice and all the fears you have today will become insignificant and it will be about your survival." Two years after the moment came. But I wish, I was strong enough to take his advice earlier and avoid the breakdown...

But this is only my personal opinion and you will get many different and contradictory opinions and advices. It will be up to you to sort out which match for you.

I wish you good luck

petervandijck• 15 years ago

What's the absolutely coolest thing you could imagine working on? Spend some time figuring that out. The most kick-ass, killing it, totally awesome thing?

Then start a side project doing that.

Notice all the "but... but..."'s in your head. Ignore them.

Also: http://www.google.com/search?q=cognitive+therapy is good for addressing thought processes.

robflynn3• 15 years ago

I think I have been in your shoes. I got lucky at a young age and semi-made a name for myself.

I started working on an open source project when I was around 17 years old. By the time I was 18 or 19, the project was gaining in popularity. I got a great job right out of high school and moved to California. There were several times when I actually overheard random people talking about my project in public. That was cool.

As time went on, I moved on to different job due to various circumstances (none the fault of myself, but of the market.)

11 years or so have now passed and I am finishing up a few years of contract work/freelancing. Money was good for a while but the contracts dried up when the economy took a turn. I'm a smart dude, but I was never good at marketing myself.

I went through a year of depression where I stopped looking for work and couldn't convince myself that I was worth anything.

It took damn near that entire year to convince myself that I was still the same bright dude that did all of these things. I don't say this to be boastful, but instead to say that you are still that same person that accomplished whatever it is that you did.

It took a long, hard year for me to realize that. Once I came to that realization, my depression began to fade. I am now fighting and clawing to put myself back out in the world.

I've started up a couple start-up ideas (once is a very small niche that should launch in the next couple weeks, basically just waiting on the financial bits to fall into place.), and the other I hope to have up and going a couple months after.

I am actively submitting resumes now. I did not hear back from a couple of the companies to which I submitted my resume. I don't feel phased by that anymore. I know that I can/will be valuable to a company and if some company does not see that then some other company will.

I honestly can not say what helped me overcome my issues. I had friend constantly telling me encouraging thoughts, saying wonderful things to me, but I didn't believe it. I was simply in a dark place. As I think about it now, however, the best I can do for putting a finger on my solution was: * I started exercising again. It does a lot, not only for your physical health, but for your mental health * I quit smoking. It makes you sluggish. * Limit your drinking for the same reason. * I started working on side projects that excited me.

Now that excitement that I had when I was a fresh lad at 19 years old feels reborn, only now I am 30 years old and ready to take on the world all over again, cheesy as it may sound.

I don't let the accomplishments of others get me down. I have decided, instead, to let them inspire. Did someone do something you want to do? Well, damnit, do it better!

I apologize if this is rambling, I'm just kind of going stream of consciousness from the heart.

Best of luck to you.

impendia• 15 years ago

> How would I ever be good enough to work with these guys?

"If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room."

Good luck!

lhnz• 15 years ago

I completely understand how you feel.

You sound successful: academically and career wise. You realise this, yet it's never enough and you compare yourself to the cream of the crop or 'what you could be'.

You need to stop this. Constantly wishing for something more while feeling unhappy with where you are 'in the moment' is a bad state of mind. It is not how you want to experience your life and it is certainly not reflective of what you have already achieved. (Many happy people achieve a lot less!)

There will always be people that are more intelligent or more successful, and so on. No matter how hard any of us try, there will always be something more to attain and, truly, if you wished to feel superior to your peers then Hacker News would not be the best place to be. Other than at a few elite universities and companies it is difficult to find people as intelligent, refined and ambitious as those found here. (This is not a bad thing! Being around these kinds of people lifts you up.)

I am not saying 'give up on trying to attain', and the advice which has been given by many in this thread on how to do so or how to free yourself from tedium is brilliant. But remember that life is not a journey in which the only thing important is moving-up and getting to the 'end'. There is not going to be a top to the ladder you're climbing, and the only 'end' is when you die. [1]

As for: gaining confidence in your abilities, feeling better about yourself, having a better thought process, and overcoming whatever real or perceived obstacles you feel lie in your way; my suggestions are that you:

a. Stop considering your life as a giant examination in which you must constantly seek ways of evaluating yourself. Make your life about finding the people and projects that truly engage you and bring you happiness.

b. Consider life a learning experience: embrace change [2]; embrace failure as a neccessity; embrace as much as you can: whatever you do, remember that this might be the last time that you do it. [3] The experience that you get from your life is all you have: make the most of it.

c. Do not let others approval dictate how you feel you must live your life; know this: the choices you make today will create the person that you are tomorrow. Be happy with who and where you are now. You are the result of the convictions and hard work you had yesterday. Take responsibility and find happiness within yourself.

Anyway, hopefully that perspective helps you find a more pleasing direction to your life.

Good luck! :)

[1] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ERbvKrH-GC4

[2] I actually live in London myself, and I am sure there are startup companies around that would be interested in someone like you if you wanted to get a job here. I don't think the experience level required is quite as high as you think it is: it is more important that you are an intelligent man that works hard, gets on with others, and cares about what he's doing. Likewise, there are Hacker News meetups run here and that is a nice way to meet people similar to yourself.

[3] http://www.boingboing.net/2010/10/27/twenty-first-century-2....

180620113• 15 years ago

This is absolutely fantastic advice and I'm extremely grateful that you took the time to jot it all down.

Why you object if I were to get in touch with you? I'm UK based (not London) and would be interested in hearing a bit about the startup/tech scene in and around London. Being involved in a local HN group would be an awesome aid for me.

siberianfruit2• 15 years ago

I, too, know exactly where you're coming from with these feelings. I've recently been making incredible progress with changing my thinking to be more productive and to simply becoming more happy and satisfied while moving forward.

1. Read Hardcore Zen: http://www.amazon.com/Hardcore-Zen-Monster-Movies-Reality/dp...

2. Read my last blog post: http://siberianfruit.com/post/6042838362/the-myth-about-what...

3. Work on separating facts from your interpretation. All of us do this all the time. Something happens (an event of one sort or another). We make up a story about that event. We then proceed to live our lives as if our story WERE the event or the fact. The path to liberation lies through understanding that the stories was not what actually happened. We make them up! The reality is always neutral, not good or bad. Just is. And because of that we have the freedom to choose what our reality is. Of course, I'm just scratching the surface, but if you message me privately, I can point you to more resources on how you can work on this.

sriram_malhar• 15 years ago

"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong. The amount of effort is the same." -- Carlos Castenada

Take a complex product like a distributed database or a queue or a browser (or whatever else takes your fancy) and build a competitor. You'd be tackling disk structures, concurrency, query parsing and evaluation, distributed programming, encryption, compression, the works.

Make sure you don't spend all your time on learning what others have done. Think of how you'd do it from scratch and then you'd be able to understand the various real world algorithms and tradeoffs that go into it. It is a fantastic challenge, and when you come off that exercise, you'll be up there with the big boys.

Ask HN: Overcoming an Inferiority Complex

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