Ask HN: Best books on “friendship” and how to make/maintain friends?

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=25846115

16 20 6 years ago

news.ycombinator.com

A friend of mine has suggested I read "The Psychology of Friendship" [0], but it seems weird to me that a good book only has two reviews on Amazon, and pretty much nobody is talking about it.

Any suggestions for books that you've read and that you found to be really good?

[0] https://www.amazon.com/Psychology-Friendship-Mahzad-Hojjat/d...

woo_neurons• 6 years ago

A great book: how to win friends and influence people: dale carnegie

llampx3• 6 years ago

When I read it I felt it was mostly useless outside of the work sphere. The subtext of it felt like "How to win friends and influence people as a new senior manager or owner of the company" - it dealt with cases where you come in with a lot of power and influence and have to get everyone on your side using your soft skills rather than a big stick.

simonebrunozzi4• 6 years ago

I agree with you. I have read it, and I think it doesn't help much in terms of "friendship" in general; it is strongly focused on the work sphere.

rdtwo• 6 years ago

Ok for casual work acquaintances not for real friends

ericalexander0• 6 years ago

No right answers without more context. Many people struggle as they leave college and their social circle behind. Friendships are bonds found through shared experiences. Seek new shared experiences to form new bonds. The classic "How to win friends and influence people" can help with heuristics.

mcrittenden• 6 years ago

I have no book suggestions, but for what it's worth the one way I've found to maintain friendships is to have recurring calendar invite hang sessions. Like every other Thursday, the calendar reminds us we're having lunch together or a zoom call after kids go to bed, etc. It sounds formal and awkward but it works and keeps friends from losing touch.

Scandiravian• 6 years ago

I found non-violent communication by Marshal Rosenberg to be a great help in maintaining friendship

The book provides strategies for being empathetic, while maintaining boundaries, which I think is where most friendships go wrong, either by breaking or turning toxic

The book is, in my opinion, a bit naive in its worldview and the writing can be self-indulgent, but if you can look past those issue, I think it could be a very valuable suggestion

p0d2• 6 years ago

I don't have a book suggestion but I am 49 and have been thinking deeply about friendship for some time.

I think 'mutual' is a key word in friendship. I have worked hard over the years to maintain friendships and have discovered my efforts aren't always recipricated. Stop contacting certain friends and you will find very quickly that they don't get in touch. I have decided to spend much less time on friendships which are not mutual.

If you have 2 or 3 close friends you are doing well. My tips are to listen more and don't just contact people when you are bored. Respond to people when they reach out to you, even if don't feel like it.

When you are feeling sorry for yourself call someone less better off than yourself. I have an older, infirm friend and when I feel sorry for myself I often give him a call. This reminds my problems are just feelings, not real problems.

Finally, my best friend is my wife. Don't ever take your partner for granted if you have one. There are very few people in the world who will ever be actively interested in you.

simonebrunozzi4• 6 years ago

Thanks for sharing this. In particular this line:

When you are feeling sorry for yourself call someone less better off than yourself. I have an older, infirm friend and when I feel sorry for myself I often give him a call. This reminds my problems are just feelings, not real problems.

And no worries if it's not a book recommendation. Anything helps.

I'm 43 and I've also been thinking about friends and friendship deeply, for quite some time. Add the fact that at age 30 I left my home country (Italy) to travel the world, for work (Luxembourg, then Singapore, then San Francisco). Long distances make it harder to maintain your existing friendships. But perhaps people that didn't move much have experienced similar problems anyway.

Edit: forgot to add that this line here is also really insightful - and thankfully, it's not news for me:

my best friend is my wife. Don't ever take your partner for granted if you have one. There are very few people in the world who will ever be actively interested in you.

p0d2• 6 years ago

No problem. I think you asked a good question as Covid brings many issues to the surface. In particular our relationships.

dave_sid• 6 years ago

100% agree. At 42 I’ve come to realise it’s about quality and not quantity of friends. Also, maybe making friends gradually via a common interest is better than trying to force it.

oumua_don17• 6 years ago

> Finally, my best friend is my wife

It’s often suggested by old timers to marry your best friend.

rasyadi• 6 years ago

Do you need a book for that? Why not just be nice and trustworthy to your existing friends and strangers?

The books like How to Win Friends and Influence People: Dale Carnegie and 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Stephen Covey show you how to be nice.

In Covey's book, he explain about habits 4, 5, 6 which are think win-win, seek first to understand, than to be understood, and synergize. These are interpersonal habits that can be applied to most of common situations.

llampx3• 6 years ago

Do you need a book for that? Why not just be nice and trustworthy to your existing friends and strangers?

Being nice and trustworthy only has a tangential relationship to having friends. Plenty of not-nice people have lots of friends. I think it is fair to ask for book recommendations, and asking for books doesn't mean one has no friends. Betterment of the self is a worthy pursuit.

wallflower• 6 years ago

I’ve recently read “The Art of Showing Up”. TAOSU is useful for the first part of the book, as it explains concepts around friendship. For example, if a friend is going through a tough time ask “How can I best support you?” rather than making assumptions or giving advice.

The second part is more about specific situations like your friend is very ill or you have to decline being a bridesmaid. I recommend it as the concepts explanation might be helpful.

I’ve not yet read “Frientimacy”, and it seems to be a similar book.

https://www.amazon.com/Art-Showing-Up-Yourself-People/dp/161...

https://www.amazon.com/-/Shasta-Nelson/dp/1580056075

chrisbennet• 6 years ago

Not a book recommendation, sorry, but I do have some advice:

You make friends by being friendly - doing nice for others, even strangers, without expecting reciprocation. Some of these people will become friends.

You keep friends by contacting them at least once a year. I have a lot of my friend's birthdays in my phone calendar. I text them on their birthday and sometimes on Christmas. It's the little things like calling them when they're in the hospital. The current plague is depressing, text your friends a tell them you're thinking of them and bring their spirits up.

I have a vendor that I buy my hardware from. I bring them cookies now and then. (I make cookies and will eat the whole batch if I don't give some away. I thank them for "taking a cholesterol bullet for me".) I expected nothing from them but they are friends now.

If this sounds like a lot of work, be prepare to not have as many friends. And that's OK too.

simonebrunozzi4• 6 years ago

Thanks, this is really good advice - thankfully, it's not entirely novel to me :)

I don't mind that it's not a book recommendation, either. As long as it's useful in understanding how to make and maintain friends. Thanks for sharing it.

jbki• 6 years ago

try aristotle's treatment on the subject in The Nichomachean Ethics. very relatable by modern standards

llampx3• 6 years ago

I am interested in this, so I searched and found this page for the Nichomachean Ethics. http://classics.mit.edu/Aristotle/nicomachaen.html

Could you please link me to the relevant section or post the excerpt?

Ask HN: Best books on “friendship” and how to make/maintain friends?

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