Ask HN: Tips for a new dad?

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=2302202

by tnorthcutt • 15 years ago

20 35 15 years ago

news.ycombinator.com

My wife is due next month with our first child, and I am very, very excited. We're having a boy.

I've read at least one post on HN before about tips for those new to parenting, but I'm sure there are people who may have missed those threads previously, or have had a child since then and have something of value to contribute, so I decided to ask. I'm not too concerned about the basics as we spend a lot of time around kids. Anything is welcome, though.

Specifically, what are things I can do to best take care of my wife?

pg• 15 years ago

The two most useful pieces of advice we got were:

1. When baby sleeps, mommy sleeps.

2. When baby cries, he's hungry.

pedoh5• 15 years ago

2. When baby cries, he's hungry, needs a change, or has a bubble that needs to go either up or down. And you won't necessarily know which of the three he is until you've tried to fix all three.

tnorthcutt7• 15 years ago

Noted. We both work at home most of the time (and my wife only works part time, and will be able to take plenty of time off), so I'm hoping she'll be able to sleep when she needs to, since I'll be around to take care of our son. I expect to consume lots of coffee in the coming months. :)

gbog• 15 years ago

For once I don't agree with pg. When a baby cries, it can be for numerous reasons, and sometime for no reason. Some say that if the mother is too far away, babies cry because they have the ancestral fear that they are lost in the Ethiopian savanah and they cry to help their mother find them back.

The real question is more: Shall we let our baby cry if he have eaten, has clean diapers and do not move like if he had a bubble in the belly? If you do not let him cry, then you are stuck for 6 months without a proper sleep. If you do you have to deal with your culpability.

pedoh5• 15 years ago

Congratulations on your new startup! My third daughter is now two and a half weeks old.

I think that the biggest step for you will be to come to terms with the fact that nothing will ever be the same. And I say that, knowing that you won't fully grasp that until the first time you see your child. And then you'll relearn that with any subsequent children! For me, the first time I've held each of my children, I've been completely floored and awed and instantly in love. All of a sudden, here is a person on earth that I would die for. It's amazing.

You and your wife are about to be very tired. Your son will need to be fed, changed, and burped ... and sometimes it will seem like there's no break in between! I think establishing very regular patterns is a good thing for everyone. Same time to bed, same time to get up, et cetera. It will take tweaking and modification as time goes on, but talk to your wife on a regular basis about how the patterns are working or not working, adjust, and keep on going. For us right now, the pattern is that she goes to bed earlier and I stay up with the baby, letting her get some solid sleep until the baby needs to be fed again. We're still tweaking the parameters, and we've been so fortunate to have my wife's mother staying with us, and she's a huge help, so once she's left, it will be another adjustment.

I suggest using a cosleeper. Having the baby sleep with you in the bed may very well mean that you don't sleep as well because you'll be paranoid that you'll roll over onto the baby. Or worse, you'll roll over onto the baby! A cosleeper puts the baby conveniently close.

Crying is okay. Let him cry a little bit. The natural instinct is to immediately feed / change / console. If you are solving his problems a microsecond after he announces there's a problem, then he'll expect that every time. If he's allowed to cry a little here and there, he'll understand that mom and dad will still take care of him. It will ease the transition to the day when he's sleeping in a crib, not in the same room (also highly recommended).

Take ALL advice with a grain of salt. What works for me won't necessarily work for you. Be ready to try different approaches. Note that this may be in direct conflict with establishing regular patterns!

Best wishes to you and your wife, and if you have any questions you want to run by a new dad (before or after your son is born), please feel free to reach out, my email is in my profile.

tnorthcutt7• 15 years ago

Thanks for all the advice! I'm already in awe and completely in love, and he's not even outside the womb yet. I can hardly imagine what it'll be like when he is.

Good points on getting into routines/patterns, we'll definitely work on that. What led you to choose cosleeping? How long have you done that for? My impression is that it's something that's somewhat controversial (some people think it's great, others think it's terrible), but it also seems like a lot of parenting is that way.

Congratulations on your third!

pedoh5• 15 years ago

Yes, you'll get staunch supporters on all sides of every aspect of parenting. For us, we didn't want the kids in the bed with us to ensure their safety and our ability to sleep as much as possible, but still make it convenient to get her and feed her. I'm an advocate for getting them into their own room and crib as soon as possible, but when they're up every two hours, having them far away just hasn't made sense.

The cosleeper is essentially a pack 'n play with the bottom raised up. With the first two kids, we just used a crib but had them next to the bed. The cosleeper means we don't have to get out of bed to do a feeding, although if she needs changing, we still have to get up, as the changing table is across the room.

Another tip I'll pass along is not to insist in absolute quiet and darkness when the baby is sleeping. I think the sooner they get used to sleeping with normal house noises, the better. If they get too used to quiet and absolute darkness, then when you need to get them to sleep in a different environment, it'll be tough.

Oh, and travelling when they're really young is easier than you'd think. It's when they want to be mobile that it gets harder. But when they're really tiny, they're just going to sleep anyway!

mildavw3• 15 years ago

Having the baby sleep with you in the bed may very well mean that you don't sleep as well because you'll be paranoid that you'll roll over onto the baby. Or worse, you'll roll over onto the baby!

I sleep with my kids and enjoy the bonding benefit as well as others (like I know instantly when one is developing a fever). Regarding the arguments/justifications above, consider this:

Sleeping in a bed may very well mean that you don't sleep as well because you'll be paranoid that you'll roll off onto the floor. Or worse, you'll roll over onto the floor!

Unless you regularly fall out of bed, are so obese you can't track what all that skin is touching, or have some serious sleep disorder, you're not going to crush your kid.

pedoh5• 15 years ago

Hah, I like the floor analogy. I can also attest to sleeping with the baby on my chest without crushing her, despite our decision to not have her in the bed with us. As you can see, there are lots of different opinions, and they're all held by smart, rational people, so the bottom line is that do what works for you, and anyone who complains about your way of doing it can go fly a kite!

igrekel• 15 years ago

Personally we had a crib that was just next to the bed. It made it possible to get the baby out of or back in the crib without having to stand up. Very useful.

Now the controversial bit: she would be the one to wake up and take care of the baby at night, I would just sleep. We found its better not to share the night time tasks otherwise everyone is tired and in a bad mood when day comes. In out case I would at least had a good night of sleep and I would take care of the house chores or whatever so that she can nap. By the way, if the baby is sleeping, try to get some sleep too, you don't know when it will happen again.

JonathanWCurd2• 15 years ago

I know its cliche but take time to enjoy it cause it goes by so fast.

And make sure mommy gets attention too (she deserves it) because baby will be the star.

jdabney• 15 years ago

We recently just had a baby and your words are much more important than many people think. The number one hardest thing has been keeping time for our relationship. The baby get all the attention and time and there isn't much left for us. Try and find time for your wife. And it really does all go so very fast. It seems like just the other day she couldn't hold her head up and now she can almost walk! Every day is something new.

tnorthcutt7• 15 years ago

Thanks for the tips. Is there anything specific to having a newborn that you've found can help your wife feel appreciated and cared for?

JonathanWCurd2• 15 years ago

I would just say make sure she knows she is loved and appreciated. Its hard because all the attention will be on the baby from you, from her, and from anyone else that comes around.

You know her best so make some special time for you and her. For my wife and myself we found special time during the odd hours of the night when baby was feeding to just sit and talk and be together even though we were exhausted.

It really is a magical time and sharing it together makes it even better.

brudgers• 15 years ago

Just remember, baby comes first, mom comes second, and you are third. Unless you have a dog, then you come fourth.

It's a great time, enjoy it. Congratulations.

tnorthcutt7• 15 years ago

Well, we do have a dog, so... :D

Thanks.

seanm• 15 years ago

And by third he means "no sex for 6 mo."

But you'll be too tired to miss it anyhow.

kerben2• 15 years ago

Congrats! One thing I would highly recommend, only because it worked so well with my boys, is a motorized swing - specifically the one made by Fisher Price. It consistently helped with soothing them or putting them to sleep while they were infants, when almost everything else failed. The reviews don't lie - check out http://www.amazon.com/Fisher-Price-Cradle-Swing-Little/dp/B0...

tnorthcutt7• 15 years ago

Funny you should suggest that one - I'm actually looking at the box it's sitting in as I type this!

kerben2• 15 years ago

:) good luck with assembly!

daemianmack• 15 years ago

Our boy just turned 3 months old. People keep telling us we got really lucky, but the impact on sleep and personal time has not been that huge.

During my wife's pregnancy, I had a big development project eating up 90%-95% of my free time: I wanted to get it done before he arrived, anticipating the huge time suck everyone warned me about. (I ended hitting the finish line, and deployed over the two-week paternity leave, and let him push the launch button when he was 8 days old.)

In my experience -- and again, YMMV, etc. -- if you can regiment your time carefully, it's absolutely not that big a deal. Yes, our days are substantially different now, but we work together really well to relieve each other; I get plenty of development time, she gets plenty of roller derby time, and after completing the post-deploy piece of my last project, I've already picked up another major project and am getting things done.

I've always been a pretty light sleeper, and it's not uncommon for me to be woken up at 4 and just not go back to sleep, so perhaps I already could deal with mild sleep deprivation well, but I really have no complaints about the amount of sleep we're getting. Generally I'll take the last feeding of the night, since I probably won't go back to sleep after, and there were a couple days in there where I dragged a bit, but really, the impact has been negligible.

(The impact of him coming home sick from daycare is an entirely different story. It's like he's a breeder reactor for bugs. I haven't been that sick in years.)

The best way I found to take care of my wife is to get her what she wants, when she wants it -- i.e., literally stand up before she's finished her request and go take care of it, stat. She's in a ton of discomfort (both before and after pregnancy, especially if you're doing a natural birth) and will appreciate the hell out of you going the extra mile. Post-birth, being instantly ready to locate/retrieve/position whatever baby paraphernalia or etc. has been a big help to her. Before we gravitated to a nice he-eats-then-we-eat schedule, I used to feed her and myself both as she fed the baby. Felt silly the first time but it worked out great logistically.

Some random bits in no particular order...

Interesting baby hack: one time the boy was crying, and just holding him wasn't doing the trick, so I figured his diaper needed changing. As a rule, his crying increases dramatically when first laid down for the diaper change, then he perks up and stops crying after he's cleaned up. So I laid him down, took off his diaper, and found that it was actually clean. When I re-diapered him and picked him up, he stopped crying... even though he didn't need the diaper change in the first place. I think if we could find out what was going on in their little brains, we'd be pretty surprised.

Totally invest in the mechanical swing kerben mentions.

When nothing else works, a warm bath has proven to be an awesome baby-fixer for us.

You will learn many new ways to care about poop.

tnorthcutt7• 15 years ago

Thanks for sharing your experience, that's very encouraging.

I've heard the horror stories about poop getting smeared on walls, etc. (when they're a little bit older)... :D

iamchmod• 15 years ago

1) Buy her gourmet cupcakes

2) Listen to her

3) Help where appropriate - know your skill sets

4) Learn a new skill set to help (diapering/bottling etc)

5) Buy her more gourmet cupcakes

shortlived• 15 years ago

Go out to dinner with your wife, now! Enjoy your time alone together. Enjoy the silence and lack of any real responsibilty.

capstone• 15 years ago

I wanted to contribute a couple things that probably won't get mentioned by others, especially because there are likely not too many new mothers on here.

First, find out the percentages of cesarian birth and breastfeeding for both your obstetrician and your hospital as compared to the national average. If the numbers don't look good, don't hesitate to switch (even if you like your doctor but they are affiliated with a knife-happy hospital). You can adjust your parenting style as you go but the window of opportunity for the birth and breastfeeding experience - which will lay a foundation to the mother's happiness and the baby's health - is literally hours. (The breastfeeding window is minutes after birth - the longer you delay, the harder it becomes, for both mother and baby, so if your wife ends up with an unnecessary c-section and cannot breastfeed due to post-op issues, or if the hospital doesn't have any nurses to show her what to do, you may lose that window for good).

Second, don't go crazy on parenting do's and dont's until the baby is at least 3 months old. They won't remember anything so there is no reason to do sleep training or any other training. If the baby wants to sleep with mommy, let them, and if the baby cries to be in mommy's arms, let them. (Research shows that babies who get lots of mommy time are more independent later on, as opposed to getting used to it as disciplinarians will suggest). I think one of the nicest things you can do for your wife is let her know that you won't judge her if she is being a bit of a pushover for baby. Keep telling her she is a good mom - every time my husband says that, it makes my day.

Third, be understanding of her need for some untouched time. I mean that literally. It's draining to have a baby holding on for dear life 24/7. Don't take it personally. Go out constantly for the first several months, it's an amazing luxury that will not last forever.

Lastly, buy her a moby wrap. It works for a newborn with no head control, it keeps the baby and mother close and happy, and it's amazing for weight distribution, especially if she is a wimpy 100-pounder like me. It's just as good for "wearing" the baby at home. Seriously, a total back saver.

(I also second @kerben's motorized swing/cradle).

I think it will be a great experience for both of you. It sounds like your head is in the right place and she is lucky to have you as a partner. My husband is a rockstar daddy as well and that makes a huge difference. Everyone talks about sleep deprivation and all that but my experience has been "baby rainbows" (a term I've come up with to indicate the opposite of "baby blues") and he is largely to thank for that. I wish you the same.

P.S. Apologies for the TMI (non-parents feel free to stop reading) but I thought I must mention something else since you are having a boy. If she is breastfeeding, they will put her on special contraceptives in order to avoid dosing the baby with estrogen. These will be an absolute killer for her sex drive so I highly recommend that she look into a copper IUD instead. No hormones, no daily pill popping, and no side effects such as mentioned above. Daddy happy too :)

jtbigwoo• 15 years ago

>First, find out the percentages of cesarian birth and breastfeeding for both your obstetrician and your hospital as compared to the national average. If the numbers don't look good, don't hesitate to switch (even if you like your doctor but they are affiliated with a knife-happy hospital).

To add my two cents: Decide right now what type of birth experience you want. Some of my friends wanted the full suite of drugs as soon as they walk in the hospital door; others want as little medical intervention as possible. If you're thinking about going the low-intervention route, try to find a doula or midwife. Either one will be able to spend time with you as your advocate during labor as opposed to an O.B. who will check in every once in a while and end up spending a total of an hour or two with you. AFAIK, the cost of a doula or midwife is covered by most insurance plans.

(If you're like me, your picture of a midwife will be a hippy-dippy boomer who chants and wants everybody to give birth squatting in a field. When we looked around, it was easy to find a really good certified nurse midwife who was very professional and didn't smell like patchouli.)

Also, IUD = great idea. Some IUD's are embedded with a small dose of hormones, so you'll want some real medical advice before choosing one.

ivankirigin• 15 years ago

The most notable thing about newborns is the sleep deprivation they cause. To prepare, get off of caffeine right now and if you don't already, take up regular exercise. These will help you be more normal when sleep deprived. Not drinking alcohol would also help.

I would read about how to calm a crying baby. There is a formula that works really well: wrapping, rocking, shh-ing, etc. I found squats worked well with my first. The second didn't like it so much.

Finally, you might underestimate how absurd giving birth is mechanically. It just doesn't make sense. A friend remarked that giving birth was "like getting butt fucked by a rhino". No rhino's were on hand to tell their side of the story. The point is to expect incapacitation.

bmelton• 15 years ago

Sleep while you can. I've heard stories about newborns who sleep 8 hours at night, but I've never personally seen it. I hearken it to the yeti.

The system that worked best for sleep schedules for us was splitting duties. Mommy was on 'input', i.e., feedings, and I was on output. It gave Mommy a sense of relief (because she will almost certainly feel overburdened) for me to take the baby, even if just for a short time.

Clean the house -- your wife will appreciate every single thing that she doesn't later have to do.

If you cook, try to cook enough that there will be leftovers. Even better, if you can make any re-heatable meals that your wife can find and reheat during the day, that'll be gold.

As for the actual child-rearing, the only advice I can think of particular to me that seems to have worked is that we never spoke 'baby-talk'. We always spoke in full English. Anecdotally, we believe that contributed to our daughter's ability to speak significantly younger than expected.

kschua• 15 years ago

First off, Congrats.

Secondly, this is not about taking care of your wife, but just my 3 years of working experience and things I thought I would share.

Sorry, I can't help about taking care of your wife, because my wife was able to take care of herself. She had a natural birth

Second most important thing I learned is applying "Customer Driven Development" to the baby. There is a different kind of cry between baby is hungry, baby needs change of diapers and baby needs a hug. This was the basis of the Dunstan Baby Language. I can personally attest that the different types of cry is true, though I believe that each baby has their own set of cries and not a one size fit all as proposed by the Dunstan Baby Language, so you need to learn and find out. <sidetrack> I was going to develop a mobile app for that but my baby grew up too quick</sidetrack>.

Most important thing. Observe the baby, play with the baby and have fun! I discovered a lot about myself observing my baby. The one that really etched in my memory was when I saw her trying to get a toy for herself. At that time, she hasn't learned to crawl yet, but she could sit and roll. This toy was beyond her reach and it was really amazing to see how she shifted her sitting position, lie down, keep rolling till she reached her toy. At that instant, I saw the stroke of ingenuity of her in me when I was young. Trying different ways to get what I want. The question is, how did that trait in me got lost throughout my life?

One program I do recommend is "Your Baby Can Read". I let my daughter watch this show when she was 6 months and she got engrossed in it. We know she was picking up things from the show because she could sing "Twinkle, Twinkle" even though we didn't teach her, but we did encourage her to sing it to us. The magical moment was when out of the blue, she just followed the action of "Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes". But she got bored of this show at 18 months and is now currently watching "Playschool" (this is shown in Aust). You might be able to purchase some of this show on shop.abc.net.au

Another privileage we have was having my wife stay at home and look after her. The main benefit I found from this was that my wife is better able to understand what my daughter wants when she talks. For example, she used the word "wee" to mean she wants a drink prior to learning the word water. Only my wife knew what she wanted. I remembered my daughter and I both getting frustrated when she went "wee" and kept crying because I didn't know what she want. It was only until my wife overhead us and gave her the water that I realised what she wanted. I could only imagine if we sent her to childcare she had to go through educating adults that "wee" is water multiple times.

I wrote a bit about how we managed childbirth without epidural in my blog if you are interested http://kschua.posterous.com/tag/chidbirthepiduralbaby I believe the machine I refered to in my blog is Cardiotocography

and my thoughts about when to stop breastfeeding here http://kschua.posterous.com/tag/breastfeedingbabywean

Have fun!

projectileboy• 15 years ago

I have three kids, ages 9, 6 and 3. My suggestions:

* Sleep whenever you can

* Have fun

* Be patient with your wife

* Be patient with yourself - you will occasionally want to cook and eat your brand new baby

* Make sure your wife is eating well, and let her get out of the house by herself sometimes

rjhackin• 15 years ago

Take a short break from hacker news..seriously..it pulls you :) congratulations

Ask HN: Tips for a new dad?

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