Won’t You Be My Neighbor?

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/23/opinion/23lovenheim.html?partner=rssuserland&emc=rss&pagewanted=all

by robg • 18 years ago

38 14 18 years ago

fartron• 18 years ago

Get out of the suburbs. They were built for automobiles, not people. It's no accident that neighborhoods built for isolation result in alienation.

akd• 18 years ago

I lived in a building smack in the middle of San Francisco and didn't know my neighbors either. The only real difference in a city is that your neighbors are 10 feet instead of 100 feet from you.

ardit33• 18 years ago

Maybe it is the neighborhood you were in, or that you don't make an effort to aproach people?

I live in San Francisco, and I know at least two of my neighbors. We are not friends or anything, but a hi and a small talk once and a while doesn't hurt. Unfortunately, i live in a building where people stay for few years, and move somewhere else, so I guess that doesn't help.

I also sub-leased an apt. in North Beach, for my visiting parents. The girl I subleased from, had lived in that apt. for about 10 years, and she knew most of her neighbors. She gave me three numbers, of neighbors that could help me, if something happened, and my parents were talking to her downstairs neighbors everyday. Very nice people. I also picked the key from one of her neighbors, so she trusted them.

Living in a place where people are less transient helps a lot. From now and on, I am going to try to be more friendly to people I don't know. I have seen the opposite, where people are unfriendly, and I don't like it.

Tichy• 18 years ago

Seems to me people in smaller cities live differently. The size where you can't walk into the center without bumping into somebody you know.

lief79• 18 years ago

Unless you are trying to get to know your neighbors, it is very easy to not know them.

I found that after freshman year of college, you had to make an effort to meet upperclassmen, even those on your floor. They already have friends, and routines, and meeting random strangers is not usually a part of those routines.

It seems like this has only gotten worse since college. So, on this note, when is the last time you struck up a conversation with a random stranger. I highly recommend trying it sometime, as it tends to be enlightening.

harry• 18 years ago

I agree, it is enlightening and very much a rewarding thing to do - striking up random conversations and generally being extroverted.

BUT: I feel also takes a considerable toll on those with more introverted worldviews.

Now adays I'm a misanthrope - also I'm a social scientist: I see new people as almost a 'chore.' Getting them caught up with your groups lingo/stories/norms is akin to teaching a kid. Exerting that much effort into a 'new friend' is difficult for me to justify - especially when the only thing tying you to the new person is a whim or chance encounter. Making friends is great, it works well with all aspects of social life and breaks routines, but there's definitely real reasons why it isn't done at the same pace as one sees in college.

When a typical jane doe moves into anomie (IE right after highschool, moving to a new place, new job) they're left to redefine themselves through the people they interact with. It's human nature to go seek new people and make new friends. In contrast - if one is rooted and knows what they like/who their friends are/the basic character makeup that they are attracted too, one has much less "drive" for us to get out and converse with new people. It's definitely a trend berthed from our culture. Japan demonstrates a different culture without this specific issue. China does too.

Anyway!

albertcardona• 18 years ago

The subway in New York is particularly inviting. For a while lots of trains had the following sign:

"STRANGER! if you, passing, meet me, and desire to speak to me, why should you not speak to me? And why should I not speak to you?"

From Whitman, I think.

[Plus, I find it easy to start a conversation in NY subway, for some reason still beyond my understanding.]

culley• 18 years ago

It's been more than a year since I helped an elderly neighbor put out his recycling. Not that he asked me, and Not that he didn't vigorously refuse any help. We ended up talking for 2 hours well after dark there in the street. I've always wanted to have a bachelor's dinner at my house where I invite all the neighbors over for some food and coffee and drinks.

this article has inspired me. I'll try it this weekend.

Wish me luck.

calvin• 18 years ago

Definitely do the bachelor dinner!

After a recent trip to Charleston, I experienced first-hand some excellent hospitality w/ gracious hosts. I realized that it's something that's been largely missing from my life and I want to be more intentional about encouraging community growth and real relationships through hospitality.

I'm already diving in and am going to have several people over for dinner on Thursday night. It's mostly bachelors, but this is a low-key way for a bachelor like myself to start out. All that's needed is a large pot of spaghetti and some games and we'll see how things go!

The biggest realization I've had regarding community and hospitality is that you can't wait for somebody else to start it because if you do most of the time you'll end up lonely and waiting when you could be having a great time instead if you start it up yourself.

wallflower• 18 years ago

Good luck with the dinner! The most successful businessman I know, when he moved into his well-to-do suburban neighborhood immediately organized a block party. He mailed out over 250 invites. 100 neighbors showed up. That was the first year. The second year, even more. Take the lead. Neighbors started scheduling vacations around the annual block party. It's not a coincidence that he is probably also one of the most networked connectors I know (real network, not Facebook). The type of people who lived in that million-dollar+ house neighborhood... He's moved many times and always done that. Makes an impact in the sleepy suburban castle-doms where he lives. It's usually the first block party/large-scale gathering ever in those cul-de-sacs.

Hexstream• 18 years ago

"Why is it that in an age of cheap long-distance rates, discount airlines and the Internet, when we can create community anywhere, we often don’t know the people who live next door?"

This question is its own answer... We formely didn't have much choice over who we communicate with because distances were a real impediment. Now that we can communicate with "anyone", the opportunity cost is that we'll necessarily communicate less with the only ones we could communicate with before.

edw519• 18 years ago

Why is it that in an age of cheap long-distance rates, discount airlines and the Internet, when we can create community anywhere, we often don’t know the people who live next door?

OP forgot the biggest anti-neighbor invention of them all: air-conditioning.

I knew every single family on the street I grew up on. We all knew each other. In the summer, every single door and window was open; people had screen doors and front porches. If you wanted to know what anyone was up to, all you had to do was go outside. The kids were playing in the street and the adults were visiting on their porches.

Today, on my same street (and every other one it seems), all the doors and windows are closed, the A/C is on, and when people want to go outside, they use the fenced-in backyard instead. What a pity.

shaunxcode• 18 years ago

I think this is prime for hacker news. Between this and the article recently calling into question broader goals for technology (you know solving world problems rather than just scratching niche itches and hoping you make some ad revenue along the way) I am really inspired again. Though this article only briefly touches on the impact of technology on community it must be said that the advent of online "community" is definitely either making the lack of real community more apparent or having a detrimental effect on it.

This is probably thread jacking but I wonder how many other posters also read the works of stafford beer, macluhan, debord, zerzan (select * from social_critique order by nihilism asc) and derive inspiration for their hacking/startup projects? Identifying and grappling with the domination and separation/alienation of daily life is one of the hardest aspects of living let alone being a proponent of technology when it seems to be the driving force in alienation.

Staying inspired and absorbed by technology while at the same time abhorring it for what it seems to be doing to our culture is the closest thing that I have to faith. What is killing us could also be our cure. In what ways could technology actually help build bridges within communities? How can we increase autonomy, security and solidarity on both the micro and macro levels?

hugh• 18 years ago

I think the best reason for not getting to know your neighbours is this: if it turns out they're annoying, it's hard to get away from them.

Won’t You Be My Neighbor?

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