How to Kill the Toxic Ego That Will Ruin Your Life

https://thoughtcatalog.com/ryan-holiday/2016/06/25-ways-to-kill-the-toxic-ego-that-will-ruin-your-life/

by omilu • 7 years ago

111 46 7 years ago

Ego like many other human traits exists because it helped us survive. Every trait you possess no matter how negative it seems exists because it passed the filter of natural selection.

Ego blinds you to the darkness and weakness of yourself. We lie to ourselves to create a delusion that keeps.us moving forward.

PhasmaFelis• 7 years ago

Traits are good only insofar as they are well-adapted to their environment. A trait that is vital to a savannah ape's survival may only lead to stress and frustration in a modern office worker.

Humans have the unique and wonderful ability to deliberately alter some of our traits on an individual level--which itself is a trait well-adapted to many environments.

coldtea• 7 years ago

Ego like many other human traits exists because it helped us survive. Every trait you possess no matter how negative it seems exists because it passed the filter of natural selection.

How about self-destructive behavior?

What might help the individual survive in small does is not the same in large does.

What might help the individual survive in the jungle/caves is not necessary that it works well within a civilization.

Lastly, what helped us survive as a species is not necessarily to help the individual survive.

Evolution is not a monotonically compounding collection of good traits.

As the environment changes, certain traits become invalid or even actively harmful, and others might be needed.

Add to the mix the incredible speed by which we alter our environment (with technology, culture, and so on), and the very slow speed by which evolution operates in comparison....

simion314• 7 years ago

Evolution does not always keep only the positive mutations, it keeps mutations that are also useless because there is no pressure to remove them (some mutations could be useful for future generations) and some bad mutations are kept around if the impact is not significant.

lm284692• 7 years ago

because it passed the filter of natural selection

That alone doesn't tell much, you can still judge the value of any trait independently of natural selection.

Evolution didn't keep up with technology during the last decades. We don't live in small communities with strong bonds, sleep in huts, hunt, &c. anymore.

If you say "we evolved to be like this" and "everything evolved is right" there is no place for any kind of argument to be made.

big_youth• 7 years ago

Modern society doesn't' change the fundamentals of human behavior and needs. Per your example we still need a community with strong bonds, a diet of lean proteins and greens, and a dusk till dawn sleeping pattern to function optimally.

lordnacho• 7 years ago

Any trait could also be an unhelpful one that is on its way towards extinction.

crimsonalucard2• 7 years ago

All of your arguments focus on one thing. A possibility. A possibility that an evolutionary trait is either a neutral trait or an outdated trait.

None of these arguments prove that Ego is an ineffective or negative trait.

First off people need to list examples about how a big Ego can be a neutral trait or an outdated trait as a supporting argument. If the ego is outdated at some point in time it must have been a positive trait, how can this be? If the ego is a neutral trait there should be an example about how a big ego can be inconsequential to the overall group or positive to the individual. Of course we are talking in terms of possibilities but the absence of examples of the above possibilities makes for weak arguments in my humble opinion.

My argument offers that the ego exists because humans need self delusion. They need to lie to themselves and see their existence as consequential in order to be happy.

Why has everyone ignored this statement? No argument is completely effective until every point is addressed. Perhaps it's because none of you could come up with a counter retort to the self-delusion argument so you chose to ignore it. Isn't that a form of self delusion? Are we all participating in an argument or are we just trying to win? Perhaps the participants in this argument is not us per se, but our egos. Perhaps all arguments are a meeting of egos.

PedroBatista• 7 years ago

I know this article is just marketing content to sell a book, but it would be nice for the author to fully present at least one of his "exercises" for one of his bullet points.

I wonder how much of these "traits" (?) are just how some people are and they can't do much about it no matter how they try.

rabidrat3• 7 years ago

Overall this article has some really good advice. But I have come to realize that a violent stance--"fighting" to "kill" a "toxic ego"--reinforces a separate, negative part of yourself, and it becomes stronger, subtler, and can eventually become another kind of ego on its own. Ego is all about division and separation, and to truly diminish its hold, we have to take another approach: to embrace it (but not to indulge it), to understand it, to invite it to tea.

In today's egotistic world, we need to cultivate a healthy ego, so that we don't sacrifice ourselves to unworthy causes. Ego is an important psychological tool that, when wielded wisely (with intention and awareness, as the article points out), can be very powerful and positive. We just need to make sure that we're in the driver's seat and that we don't let it take over. And especially that we don't come to believe that our collection of ideas about ourselves IS ourselves; as long as we remember that it's just a game--a mask, or a shield that can be dropped at a moment's notice--then we'll be okay.

save_ferris• 7 years ago

Completely agree. The problem with the "kill" mentality is that it doesn't encourage self-awareness of the ego, the "silent observer" as Eckhart Tolle calls it.

shlant• 7 years ago

exactly. The ego serves a purpose. It has a lot to teach us about how we perceive ourselves, others and reality. Not only can you not "kill" it (people who claim to have "transcended" the ego still eat food :p ), but trying to will just result in the flip side of the same coin. The solution is integration, not destruction. As Buddhism says, the answer lies in "the middle way".

danielbigham• 7 years ago

This year for whatever reason I keep seeing the concept of "integration" in everything, and have also become interested in what feels like the opposite -- division and separation -- so when I read "Ego is all about division and separation", it really piqued my curiosity. Could you elaborate on that?

rabidrat3• 7 years ago

You can't have a "self" without reference to an "other". When you say to yourself "I am a good programmer", it must be by comparison to all the other not-good programmers.

There is a subtle but very important difference between discernment (taste) and judgment (comparison). Discernment is about the integrated relationship/system or the impersonal action/outcome, rather than the actor/person/self. It is not just a semantic coincidence that framing things in "I" language tends strongly towards judgment.

[I've reflected a lot on this topic but I'm not very good at expressing my understanding. Hopefully the above is helpful for what you were asking.]

McWobbleston2• 7 years ago

Looking at the physical world it seems what "I" am is the integration of the cells/components of my body with the rest of universe to create a point of experience. That point of experience only exists with the integration of everything, and "I" is a component of that which would not exist otherwise. Ego ignores this and tells us we are separate from the whole process and often that we are above it, but the concept of my independent self may be an abstraction that helps my mind cope with survival in the natural world

SolaceQuantum2• 7 years ago

I have some concerns with this article's advisement. It essentially boils down to stay humble, proactive, and aware. But certain kinds of advice are entirely unnuanced, for example, "dead time" vs "alive time" may mean that someone really needs the rest! Similarly, focusing on effort and not the end goal is not always amenable to reality- it doesn't matter how much you worked at a startup if your stocks ultimately end up shitty.

Of course, this article aims to kill ego, not actually enrich the person's life. Killing one's ego can also ruin one's life just as easily as an ego too alive.

ryanackley• 7 years ago

Doesn't most advice like this lack nuance? That is what makes it easily consumed and processed. We attach our own rationalizations and perspectives to it.

SolaceQuantum2• 7 years ago

Yes; this doesn't make the article above discussion of its merits.

cicero4• 7 years ago

10. Connect with nature and the universe at large... 18. Choose love.

Even better, seek the creator of the universe and the source of love. Many people come to the conclusion that since science has enabled us to understand so much about how our universe works, we can jettison the idea of a creator. However, the contingent nature of our universe and everything in it requires a cause that is not contingent, and religion, especially Christianity, has been telling us about that non-contingent cause for centuries. I urge people to seek out that cause by looking to the testimony of the generations of good people who claim to know this cause.

nkingsy• 7 years ago

The only thing I'm pretty sure of is that this structure we call reality is circles on circles on circles. It seems trivial to me to prove that there can be no start or end to reality, ergo no creator.

I've had some pretty profoundly comforting spiritual experiences in my life, but never one that involved a creator. Much more a realization that there is no time, no place, just a roaring hubbub cycling round and round because it's just so fun to spin.

resource0x2• 7 years ago

It seems trivial to me to prove that there can be no start or end to reality, ergo no creator.

Logically, there's no "ergo" here. We may still have OUR creator. As for who HIS creator is - it's for HIM to care, not for us :)

aarpmcgee• 7 years ago

Especially Christianity?

saiya-jin• 7 years ago

I think the issue here is, once you have been properly brought up with faith, 'indoctrinated' so to say, it becomes part of your core personality. You can't live rest of the life without it, there would be a gaping hole in your heart and mind that screams to be filled in +-similar way heroin addict feels the need to get another fix.

On the other side, being brought up in environment where (a bit religious non-practicing) parents extorted 0 influence over me and let me find my own belief (or lack of it), I really don't have this 'hole', nor the need to put author on everything I see around me. Matter can self-organize pretty well on its own and we currently don't have a good mind capable of comprehending true complexity of interconnected reality of our universe.

I could cross over to faith group (as did my cousin who was brought up in similar environment and is now priest happily), but every single cell of my brain would have to be vaporized for me to be OK with it for rest of my life, when I see glaring proofs around me every day that tell me there is no creator in the form all major religions imagine/hope for.

And whether there is another type of creator, is a question that is not that important for me, since answer to it won't change a single thing in my life, nor my morals nor any behavior or decisions. We all (sane human beings) have a moral compass, and apart from the part about believing in one and only true god, it aligns pretty damn well with most religious moral doctrines.

I don't think true believers can ever come to state of mind to even seriously toy with the idea that there might not be immortal soul of them. That its only this world, and nothing more, no higher meaning or purpose. That we are not special, and universe will be just fine even if Earth is consumed by black hole tomorrow afternoon. They just can't do it and be happy full people anymore.

I can, easily, without a blink of an eye, and it feels great and empowering. Even if I may be wrong, which is not a bad outcome after all :)

Sorry for the long post, just putting down some observation between agnostic me and my fiancee who was brought up in pretty strict catholic ways.

Mc_Big_G• 7 years ago

I couldn't think of something more pointless than seeking that which will never be found. No one knows and no one is going to know. We'd be much better off seeking understanding of our fellow man than looking for some "source of love". The only thing Christianity spouts more than love is hate. The bible is full of it. Who can seriously recommend Christianity as a "source of love"? Humanity will be much better off when we give up on the fallacy of religion.

tracker15• 7 years ago

The "hate" that comes from Christianity is more a response from challenges to a dogmatically held belief system. It's very similar from trying to have a rational discussion with a raw vegan or a libertarian. I'm generalizing in all cases as there are clearly rational people behind each of the three mentioned systems of belief, but it's all dogmatic and more religious in general than it is the overall premise to any of them.

It's people that make ideas bad, or respond badly, not the ideas themselves. Of course any ideas regarding eliminating entire cultures, raging war, or taking of life en-masse should probably not be acted on regardless of how much sense Thanos made.

cicero4• 7 years ago

Jesus says that if you seek, you will find.

unmole3• 7 years ago

Even better, seek the creator of the universe and the source of love.

Is it the same non-contigent source of love that loves us so much that created hell and just in case we don’t love it back?

testimony of the generations of good people who claim to know this cause.

The same good people who also claimed that we would burn for all eternity if we didn't nod along to their delusions of grandeur?

McWobbleston2• 7 years ago

That's one interpretation. I'm more particular to the interpretation that hell is a fire that destroys a soul (true death, not eternal torture) which some scriptures suggest, or that hell is an afterlife with the creators love.

cicero4• 7 years ago

The dull man cannot know, the stupid cannot understand this: that, though the wicked sprout like grass and all evildoers flourish, they are doomed to destruction for ever ... The righteous flourish like the palm tree, and grow like a cedar in Lebanon. They are planted in the house of the Lord, they flourish in the courts of our God. (Psalm 92:6-7, 12-13)

This world is full of injustice, but the message of Christianity is that injustice is temporary and justice is eternal. Every man has a choice between eternal life and eternal death. God wants life for everyone - that is why he gave each of us life. He gave us the ability to love, but we also have the freedom to hate. Heaven is eternal love; hell is eternal hate. You get to choose the path you want to take.

tracker15• 7 years ago

The belief in a higher power often runs counter to a state-centered culture. Personally, I lean more pragmatic and deist, but I see a lot of issues from both sides of this perspective.

Belief in and of itself in something more than one self can be very beneficial to overall happiness and well being. So can effort and work. There is so much one can do in and of one's self to improve their own lives. It's like when people complain about $other-culture$ destroying america (usually religious right or leftist/communists)... My advice is to approach interaction with others from the POV of best of intent. Not that you have to agree with their intent, only that you shouldn't presume intent or their pov.

throwaway30193• 7 years ago

The majority of those talking points are solidly rooted in Buddhism, and especially Zen Buddhism.

Perhaps that sounds too "hippy" to their readers, but doing a bit of research and quoting the original sources would be nice.

eplanit• 7 years ago

2 articles on the HN front page have "toxic" in the title. Indeed, "toxic" was the Oxford dictionary's 2018 word of the year[1].

We're sheep.

[1] https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/word-of-the-year/word-of-t...

elefanten• 7 years ago

Why stop there... we all speak a common language to begin with! How mindless and desperate.

motohagiography• 7 years ago

The article includes this tendency to equate ego with what is essentially a secular state of sin, instead of looking behind what ego might be. The view reinforces the just world fallacy that good things happen to good people, if only they could be without ego - and failure can be attributed to said ego's conceits.

It's too much to unwrap in a comment, but suffice it to say, while some of this can be helpful to someone in need of it, one would not be alone if they found it cynical and trite.

tracker15• 7 years ago

Thank you... wanted to say much of the same. I think it is all part of the PC movement to virtually castrate all aggression (mostly in men, in women it's fine). You need a certain amount of ego in order to lead. And yeah, confidence is not the same as ego but they are definitively interconnected. You need to display confidence to convince people to follow you, and you need a bit of ego to secure that confidence.

And some may say, but that's not the point where it is "toxic" but several of the samples in TFA are not counter or even in demonstration of where it might or might not be a toxic level. Even in communist/socialist societies the successful demonstrate an amount of aggression, ego and confidence. It's human nature. When it coincides with competence all the better.

dwaltrip• 7 years ago

Are you familiar with the concepts of mindfulness, awareness, and equanimity that have been imported from Buddhist (and other) practices? Perhaps I am biased, but under that lens much (but not all) of the advice in the article becomes much less trite.

HellDunkel• 7 years ago

constantly worrying about improving and optimizing yourself. is this feeding or fighting the toxic ego?

debt• 7 years ago

Ego flourishes in situations that have room for it.

In dire situations and extreme circumstances, ego really is a killer because time is precious and is wasted by ego. Thus killing not only your ego, but also the project itself, other people’s ego, careers etc. Ego in a dire situation is like a pressure cooker.

So the best way to kill the ego is get yourself into extreme circumstances; BASE jumping or insanely unrealistic project deadlines etc.

How to Kill the Toxic Ego That Will Ruin Your Life

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