oryyx

I'm well aware of and willing to admit my problems, so that's sorted out. The job situation is a major source of anxiety for me, as I don't look good on paper, and I'm not confident in my abilities to do technical interviews. Furthermore, though I'll have a CS B.S. from a high ranking public uni come next week -- my GPA is terrible, I have no internship experience, almost no personal projects, and a criminal record in another state. Since I transferred to this uni, I became more reclusive and depressive; it's a miracle I'll even get the stupid degree.

As for the dating thing. I have no interest in starting a family, and I specifically don't want to date women who are adamant about that kind of life. There are a lot of things I want to do, and having children would destroy my chances (at least the way I see it).

I appreciate the sympathy. I think you're right about everything being sort of pointless. When I think about the scale of the universe and my place within it, my insecurities are kinda humorous. But even with that realization, my stupid brain is still depressed. Humans just aren't mean to be solitary like I am, I guess.

Thanks for the suggestions, I appreciate it. My diet is fine, and I surf often for a bit of exercise, but my sleep patterns are definitely not optimal as a student. Unfortunately, I've tried just about every SSRI on the market and they're not for me. Was up to 30-40mg of Prozac a few years ago; it replaced my feelings of hopelessness with extreme apathy, which was not good in retrospect (plus the weight gain). I've been diagnosed with dysthymia since like middle school.

But yeah, I'll probably retry the online dating scene when I get a source of income that's not from school/family. In the meantime, my dream is to be stable enough to have a dog.

Yeah, I met some women (mostly on OKC) a couple years ago. Went on about 5 dates with 5 different women. Only clicked with one; we setup a second date, and she cancelled on me last minute to say that she was getting back together with her ex.

Honestly though, as much as I want to be with someone -- I don't know if it's the best time. I'm basically a depressed man-child, living on grant money and parental support. My self-esteem is ridiculously low, and I'm actually terrified of the physical aspect of dating. I have ZERO experience, and it's going to be obvious. That's gotta be a red flag for most women my age.

I've been lonely for so long, I'm almost numb to it. I'm 28, and sometimes I don't even feel human. I can go weeks where the only words I utter to other humans are during the 10-20 minute catch-ups with my parents who live 2000 miles away. My only consistent communication is with a group of ~5 guys on Discord, where we mostly discuss the game we play together via text. I have never so much as cuddled with another person, much less kissed/held hands/etc. I'm so starved for physical human contact that it's almost painful.

Anyway, I recently went back to school to finish a CS bachelor's. I have zero friends, shitty grades, no internship experience, a criminal record (technically expunged), and a GitHub profile that's essentially empty; supposed to be graduating next week and finding a job.

I don't know why I'm writing this here. Despite the fact that I'm graduating next week, I'm somehow at an all-time-low in my life. And unbelievably lonely. Like I can't even express how lonely I am, it's just a pit. Basically been in this state for 10 years now. My 20's down the fucking drain.