A few years ago a very close friend of mine killed himself. Reading this today has brought up a lot of old feelings, and one new one; I feel like I really need to reach out and tell you that what you're going through and what you're about to go through will be very difficult, but you will come out the other side.
Suicide is one of those things that I don't think we can ever reconcile in our minds. I've never resolved the questions raised up by my friend's death, but I promise that you do learn to find a quiet place for the feelings that I'd imagine have you mentally turning in dizzy circles right now.
My thoughts are with you. If you'd like to talk please don't hesitate to get in touch.
Take care, Emmanuel.