Ask HN: Broke up with girlfriend, how to get on track with projects?

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=7599808

by johny_galt • 12 years ago

30 25 12 years ago

news.ycombinator.com

My girlfriend told me she doesn't love me anymore and she doesn't want to continue the relationship with me after 3 years and I am really a mess. I post this on HN because I have serious problems in staying focused, I missed my deadlines, can not work anymore, can't even sleep. Not sure what to do and how to move on especially with my work and how can I start coding again because I can't even open sublime because of lost motivation, focus and happiness. What can I do asap before I lose all my clients?

chrismdp• 12 years ago

You've got clients, so you're a contractor, right? Which means you have savings... hopefully?

I'd be straight with them, and tell them you need some time off for personal reasons. Be specific as to how long you want. Help them find a stand-in in the meantime if appropriate. If you deal well with them rather than just going AWOL you stand a good chance of keeping good relationship with them.

I'm really sorry you're going through a hard time. I'm sure you'll pull through it. Hang in there!

hagbardgroup• 12 years ago

Subcontract out the work. Get referrals from your friends to do this. This gets the clients what they need (the work done on time) without mixing your work with personal drama.

What's the nature of the projects involved?

Not enough people take these kinds of 'small' personal tragedies seriously. Sorry to hear that you're having a poor time.

techaddict009• 12 years ago

Well take a small break go out for a picnic to near by place. Try to get normal.

I would suggest read this one : http://www.cosmopolitan.com/celebrity/news/how-guys-handle-b...

P.S It helped me in same situation in the past.

hablahaha• 12 years ago

That list is pretty good actually and I normally hate Cosmo. I have definitely been this person: "Hey, do you guys want to get together and play Settlers of Catan?" turns into "This was really fun. We should do this every night." turns into "Please don't leave me. Ever."

Since you can probably work remotely, can you go stay with a good friend or family member, preferably in a different city? You need someone to talk to who will be nearby all day long.

Sometimes when I really don't want to work, I have to psyche myself into it, like I'll start watching a new episode of a favorite TV show, slowly open Sublime in another monitor, look at my issues list, start writing a little bit of code, and keep Hulu on autoplay. I find that there is nothing more emotionally distracting than a really good TV show (which is really bad when you are trying to be productive, but not so bad when you're suffering). I think the key is getting past opening Sublime, once you start working, you'll have short bouts of not thinking about the ex.

Also, could you go work at a coffee shop with a friend? They can make sure you at least go through the motions of starting to work and you have to compose yourself while out.

I really feel for you man, I know it must be really rough. I hope you feel better soon :)

EDIT: I just thought about the Girls plot line where Charlie makes an app where it costs you every time you text or call your ex. Would any of these apps help? http://techland.time.com/2013/08/24/ex-lover-begone/

jon_black• 12 years ago

Set aside time for grieving and time for working; it can help to set small goals. Talk to your friends, when you're ready, about how you're feeling, and ask for their help and support. Take it slowly, don't ask too much of yourself, and realise that not all your passion in life came from your relationship. Good luck.

paulbaumgart• 12 years ago

The only thing that reliably gets rid of negative emotions for me is hard exercise. Is there a local gym with classes that interest you?

fyrabanks• 12 years ago

Similar situation about five years ago; dumped from a 4-year relationship in my last quarter at college. Just barely made the minimum grades required to finish my classes and graduate. I hate to say it, but it's going to take time before you start to feel "normal" again. If you don't think your clients will understand your need to take some personal time off (I'd say there was a death in the family), and if you can't subcontract out the work, force yourself to work in very small increments. Set a timer for, say 15 minutes, and do absolutely nothing else but work. Then go back to dealing with the grief process for a bit, and then force yourself to work for another 15. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Even if you aren't particularly productive in the beginning (you won't be), you'll at least start enforcing habits. Once you find yourself getting some things done, slowly increase the amount of time you spend dedicated to working.

I know you feel like shit right now, but there's a lot to be said about dealing with the break-up process. You'll come out on the other side knowing yourself much better. This probably won't make sense just yet, but reading this helped prompt the turning point for me (when I started to feel like a human again): http://jessicajjohnston.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/....

Good luck, man. You'll be fine; it's just a matter of time.

beachstartup• 12 years ago

take a moment to reflect upon how much power you're giving this person over your entire life.

ldargin• 12 years ago

If it is affecting your work and sleep, you should probably talk to a therapist; a counselor or psychologist. A professional could help you get your bearings while you adjust to this, and give you advice.

Mz• 12 years ago

Start a journal or anonymous blog. Write about how you feel. Sometimes, getting it out is the quickest way to get back on track with other things. (I blog in part because I sometimes just need to "talk" about some things and writing about it is a far faster, more effective means to move on than other things I have tried.)

swalsh• 12 years ago

Go on okcupid, look for the next one. After a few, you realize that its not a big deal.

navs• 12 years ago

I'm currently feeling something similar only replace "broken relationship" with "dead parent". I've employed descriptive todo's (on paper) and kept them right beside my laptop. I'm obsessed with completing the todos, one at a time until the paper is completely filled up and I have nowhere to write.

Another thing I'm looking into is counselling services. Thankfully some of them charge on a sliding scale so I may even be able to afford one.

Lastly, don't forget to write. Write as much as you can/want. Paper, digital, whatever really. You don't have to be articulate, that'll come later as you continue to write and read what you've written.

bradleysmith• 12 years ago

Just got over a similar situation where I broke up and was still living with my ex; this would be bad enough, but she also began spending all her time with another roommate, perhaps romantically perhaps not, while excluding me from all communication. She could not afford to move out, and I could not afford to help her move out; somehow I held on to empathy to allow her to stay.

I worked from home about 50-50 before this. As you may imagine, concentration and focus became impossible at my house, difficult everywhere else.

My advice is not meant to be callous, but: grin and bear it. Struggle through, and find the focus within yourself. You'll make it through this, regardless of what happens. How do you want remember making it through?

Some tricks I found that helped me work:

classical music on headphones,

small manageable tasks (decide tasks to be done, choose tasks you're doing, stay on target),

mental mantra's ("be vigilant, stay on target", "my time is valuable and irreplaceable" both did me well),

meditation (seriously; 20 min at morning and night thinking about nothing but your breathing does wonders to let you focus).

Spend free-time with empathetic and sincere friends (not coddling; the goal is not comfort but mental digestion and moving on emotionally; if necessary, seek professional counselling),

exercising,

and lots of outdoors (helped me put things in perspective).

I also found the poem 'Desiderata' by Max Ehrmann to be a big help (to each their own.) I've put the lines that helped me the most below:

"Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."

Above all, forgive yourself for feeling like hell. It's expected, and acceptable. Best of luck.

EDIT: Formatting

pestaa• 12 years ago

Really touching piece of art, thanks for sharing.

dognotdog• 12 years ago

Hey, you're asking for help, and that sounds to me like you're on the way up again, even if it's a long and hard road :)

mlamb• 12 years ago

If you can afford it, take a week off, go to a beach somewhere, perhaps with a friend, and do some meditation. Maybe sign up for an online dating site to make you realize there are other options out there and she can't be the only one who can make you happy.

antocv• 12 years ago

Dont sign up for dateing sites because I did that, and it only made everything worse, I realized the ex was even more special, and the people on dateing sites sucked all completely.

rurban• 12 years ago

In my experience I could concentrate much better on work, and got much more done. Esp. in wintertime, when depression can catch you much easier. Work is a good excuse to forget the private mess, and this needs time, at least a few months. Try to forget, get distraction, go outside.

saluki• 12 years ago

First off listen to this . . .

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGGA6VXHdmE

Then move on . . . don't let her hold you down or hold you back, there are lots of other girls out there that are just as good for you and most likely better for you . . . so explore and find someone new (not to get serious with) just to get to know and have fun.

Ok . . . focus . . .

You have to get back in the game . . . choose a small simple task . . . write that on a note card or on a trello board (just one task at a time) and knock that out . . . then add the next easiest one . . .and keep building on getting things done . . .

If you're still distracted you can try motivating yourself by the fact that she doesn't want you to get things done she wants you to fail . . . prove her wrong. (this may or may not be true, but make yourself believe it)

Good luck.

imthatguyama• 12 years ago

lmao, grow a pair you pussy.

marcfawzi• 12 years ago

his balls are larger than your brains, combined.

jason_slack• 12 years ago

Hell, come over to my place and lets throw back a few cold ones.

One important thing I think you need to come to terms with is that if you don't get that client work done you are going to be worse off than you are now, financially and reputation.

Losing a loved one for whatever reason is hard. Put in a good solid work day, keep the bills paid and take some time to reflect on the situation. This will make you stronger. The next girl you meet will be lucky because you will be stronger due to this breakup.

ratsimihah• 12 years ago

I believe an answer to such a question involves topics out of the scope of HN, but I guess it doesn't hurt once in a while. I went through that situation a couple of weeks ago, so here is how I dealt with it. Hopefully you'll find something useful in it.

I had to become stable again as an individual first. It means getting used to be alone and not having someone to share my life with everyday. I've been spending a huge amount of time with my self. It's been hard, but it's also been the only way for me to figure out what I wanted in life.

Luckily, I am a developer doing what I love, and that helped a lot. I believe you are too.

Another important point was for me to realize that she and I weren't meant to be together, and she broke up with me for a reason. We believed in different ideologies, and she probably wanted something I could never give her. I don't know what your situation is, but there is a significant chance that you broke up for a good reason.

Don't hesitate to talk about it with others. Anyone.

Brace yourself and enjoy the time you have with your self. You may have most one of the most significant things in your life, but you're now free to be and become anyone you want. Do the things you could not do in your relationships.

bradleysmith is absolutely right when he advised you to "grin and bear it. Struggle through, and find the focus within yourself. You'll make it through this, regardless of what happens."

Once you manage to stabilize and strengthen yourself as an individual, your love for coding and other things in your life will be stronger than ever! : )

One book that helped me was The Fountainhead, by Ayn Rand. It's about one's love for his work, in part.

michaelchum• 12 years ago

Stay strong. The best way to stay focused is to follow your passion, keep doing what you truly like to do. During your spare time, keep yourself busy with things you enjoy. Always keep yourself busy. Don't hesitate up some friends, even those you didn't see for a long time. Set yourself goals which you'll enjoy following. Stay strong and enjoy everything you do :)

james1071• 12 years ago

Exercise often helps in these situations.

Ask HN: Broke up with girlfriend, how to get on track with projects?

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