Help HN: socially awkward programmer

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=6312176

2 9 13 years ago

news.ycombinator.com

Hello HN, I'm a programmer and I'm 16yo. I don't live in US. My problem is that I've never kissed anyone. This bother me sooo much. I think everyone even the most awkward person have kissed someone. I have a lot of friends, I go out every weekend, I sleep at friend's house but I just don't do like the other one that start to talk with someone to kiss them. This is starting to get me depressed, when I think about it I get really sad. Please, I need someone's advice. Sorry for posting this here, HN is the only place where I can speak about it.

verec• 13 years ago

Stop looking inwards. When out, speak to others, about others, ask them question about them, don't tell about you. Let them ask. And when they do, answer as little as you can get away with (mystery is a good thing :)

cantmakeanymore4• 13 years ago

The only time I was talking with a girl to do something more that was my mistake

shire• 13 years ago

Are you a guy? if so girls feel the same way you feel some where out there a girl is dying for you to approach her and make a move but she is too shy or awkward don't lose your chance and wait around. Life is too short to be nervous and awkward.

cantmakeanymore4• 13 years ago

Yes, I'm a guy

27182818284• 13 years ago

Hey,

First: Everyone feels awkward at that age. That's why they're the "awkward teenage years"

Second: A lot can change in a year. I have countless stories of people going from feeling like they'll be alone forever to a girlfriend that loves them and a good tech job a year later. The stories I have involve people of all ages too, because a lot can change in a year.

Third: Be open. Try new restaurants and see new movies. Join new clubs outside of programming (e.g., Chess, Go, mobile design, biking, whatever) This is important because it helps when striking up conversation when doing the next part.

Fourth: Grow your social networks. You don't have to be best friends with everyone (and shouldn't!) but having a bigger network does make things easier. With stuff from #3, you have higher odds of getting along with people.

Fifth: I'm not that old, so lots of people in this thread will have better advice than me, but you'd be surprised how far you'll get with just those four items. I was.

cantmakeanymore4• 13 years ago

Thanks I'll try these for sure

lhnz• 13 years ago

Don't worry about it.

I was the same back when I was 16.

You can fix your social awkwardness if you want to. It's just a set of behaviours and beliefs which represent how others see you and the opportunities you feel are accessible to you. It's not easy - but it's generally just a case of knowing good questions to open people up with, becoming better at funny small talk, raising your positivity/excitedness level, understanding your market and what they want to talk about, understanding how to make confident/positive body language, and creating more opportunity for yourself (like, ask girls to hang out with you sometime or associate yourself with normal non-introvert/extrovert people.)

As a developer, there's lots that can be learnt from books on body language, game, influence, etc. But don't just do that - find a way that you can practice one thing at a time with real people. It's a practical skill and the only way of getting to grips with it is getting 100s of hours of experience.

The most important thing you could do tomorrow is to create more opportunities for things to go right or wrong. Join clubs or grab coffees and start conversations with people. Chat to people in lines. Chat to the people you sit next to. Be light-hearted and positive. Do it even if it makes your heart beat and your palms sweat.

And always be the first to say "Hey, what's your name? [And comment on something or give them a shallow reflective question that they can feel positive about when answering.]" or "Hey Y, how was your weekend?" Being the first to speak always makes you sound more confident, and it also removes the awkwardness which almost everybody feels. Find out what they're passionate about; learn to ask great questions that make people happy and you'll find out more about people, give yourself time to come up with conversation points (which is quite difficult when you're doing this for the first time) and most-of-all make everybody you meet feel less awkward.

But don't panic: chill out and take life as it comes. Trying to force things often doesn't make them happen faster; instead you'll just grease the wheels and open yourself to the changes which will happen naturally as you get older. If you do this, over time the positive aura you shine on others will surround you.

And that is how I freed myself from social anxiety.

cantmakeanymore4• 13 years ago

Thank you very much! Know that other people have been gone through this makes me fell better. I'll (with 100% sure) do or at least try some of the things you said

bowerbird• 13 years ago

if some of your friends are girls, tell them of your desire, and they will kiss you or find someone else for you who'll be happy to kiss you.

if none of your friends are girls, then focus instead on finding some; talking eventually leads to kissing.

-bowerbird

Help HN: socially awkward programmer

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