Ask HN: I don't know what to do. I'm lost. Help.

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=5755012

by kunai • 13 years ago

5 4 13 years ago

news.ycombinator.com

Hello HN,

My father was recently diagnosed with Stage II mouth cancer. It came as a shock to my entire family, especially because he doesn't drink or smoke.

Currently, I'm in a state of catatonia. My family and I only found out a few hours ago, and I can't concentrate. I can only think of the responsibilities I'll have to face, the disruption of my daily life, and the constant fear of relapse. I don't know what to do, what to expect, what to think.

All I am is blank. Please help.

-kunai

a3n• 13 years ago

You can't do anything in the state you're in, except process. So give yourself some time to absorb it. Nothing can be solved at the moment. Don't expect anything from yourself right now, just be there for your family and yourself. Nothing has to be accomplished today or tomorrow.

Blank is natural, you'll move out of it soon enough.

We here approach most things as problems to be solved, and when we have something that isn't solvable we don't know what to do. Eventually you'll reach a point where paths and possibilities emerge for you and your family, and you can start to make decisions. There's nothing to solve today, so don't try. Let it come in the near future.

Sorry.

kls• 13 years ago

Keep this in mind stage 2 mouth cancer is extremely treatable and survivable. He has an 83% chance that he will come out of this OK. The C word is a shock but not all cancer is a death sentence. 83% odds are really good odds. I would take them any day. Even stage 4 is nearly 50/50 for mouth cancer. This is not lung cancer, it's not something to not take serious but remind yourself when you start to dwell on this that this is very survivable and chances are you father will survive this and go on to live quite a long life.

http://www.cancer.org/cancer/oralcavityandoropharyngealcance...

gw666• 13 years ago

I am very sorry to hear about this news, which it sounds like is hitting you really hard. Such sudden devestations happen in every life, and I'm wondering if this is the first time you've ever felt so threatened. If so, the first time can feel really bad.

I'm a tech person, but I'm also a licensed therapist in California. Here, briefly, are some things you can do. First, take care of yourself--get extra rest, eat responsibly, etc. Second, find someone you can really talk to and tell them what you're going through. (You might want to start by saying, "I really need to talk right now. Could you listen without trying to fix things?") Finally, remember that you do have family around you, and if they can, they will help with whatever responsibilities need to be taken care of.

Of course (said the hammer to the nail), consider counseling. Every area has public counseling centers that provide affordable counseling.

Take whatever I've said that helps, and ignore the rest. Good luck--you will get through this.

nglevin• 13 years ago

Keep calm. Reach out to people, old and new. Plan, and work towards a better tomorrow. Do not give in to fear.

Be sure to call your parents at least once a day. It makes a difference. And remember, the best way you can help others — especially family — is to help yourself.

I know that all may sound a bit trite, but it's how I tend to manage every personal crisis. I'm going through a significant rough patch, right now. Can't be paralyzed.

Ask HN: I don't know what to do. I'm lost. Help.

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