Why people shouldn’t love you for who you are

http://www.sean-johnson.com/why-people-shouldnt-love-you-for-who-you-are/

by melissajoykong • 13 years ago

78 26 13 years ago

adnam• 13 years ago

This kid thinks I'm "alive for a reason" and "bets it's something great". Pass the sick bucket.

guylhem• 13 years ago

The conclusion, "People have a right to expect more from you" seems dead wrong to me, and I don't really see any answer to the question asked by the title.

If you are want some better answers, read instead this little gem ESR posted on Google+ a little while ago:

http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-yo...

Let's say that the person you love the most has just been shot. He or she is lying in the street, bleeding and screaming.

A guy rushes up and says, "Step aside." He looks over your loved one's bullet wound and pulls out a pocket knife -- he's going to operate right there in the street.

You ask, "Are you a doctor?"

The guy says, "No."

You say, "But you know what you're doing, right? You're an old Army medic, or ..."

At this point the guy becomes annoyed. He tells you that he is a nice guy, he is honest, he is always on time. He tells you that he is a great son to his mother and has a rich life full of fulfilling hobbies, and he boasts that he never uses foul language.

Confused, you say, "How does any of that fucking matter when my (wife/husband/best friend/parent) is lying here bleeding! I need somebody who knows how to operate on bullet wounds! Can you do that or not?!?"

Now the man becomes agitated -- why are you being shallow and selfish? Do you not care about any of his other good qualities? Didn't you just hear him say that he always remembers his girlfriend's birthday? In light of all of the good things he does, does it really matter if he knows how to perform surgery?

In that panicked moment, you will take your bloody hands and shake him by the shoulders, screaming, "Yes, I'm saying that none of that other shit matters, because in this specific situation, I just need somebody who can stop the bleeding, you crazy fucking asshole."

EDIT: I tried submitting it, but it's marked as "dead". I guess the website got on HN bad side. Too bad, it'd have made a great discussion.

cousin_it• 13 years ago

That's a great article, thanks for the link!

> If your dream girl or guy had a hidden camera that followed you around for a month, would they be impressed with what they saw?

Now I want to try walking around imagining that my dream girl is watching me :-)

graeme• 13 years ago

That's actually really good advice. I believe Seneca had something simliar, acting as if the better version of yourself were watching.

Unfortunately, following through on those ideas probably requires closing this Hacker News tab....

wuest• 13 years ago

> Now I want to try walking around imagining that my dream girl is watching me :-)

I have done (something similar to) this for the better part of my life. Such a mindset leads you to really go out of your way to push yourself.

richeyrw• 13 years ago

I was just thinking of that same Cracked article. I think it stated things much better.

jilebedev• 13 years ago

That's a lot of words from both authors to say: nobody actually cares about "you". They only care about what they can get from you.

That can be horrifically depressing or pragmatic and inspiring: the emotional reaction is irrelevant, it is the truth.

mattm• 13 years ago

I wouldn't go so far as to say "nobody." There can be a small number of people that genuinely care about you. Most people won't. But that's what makes that small number of people special.

deskglass• 13 years ago

A counterpoint. Search for Stephen Conn's comment. http://paulbuchheit.blogspot.com/2012/03/eight-years-today.h...

"We are surrounded by an ideology of exceptionalism that teaches us that we will find fulfillment through great personal achievement. But this is a terrible way to build identity. Not because it is crassly inhumane--though it is--but because it is false."

GiraffeNecktie2• 13 years ago

It's important to distinguish two, seemingly contradictory positions:

1 People won't love me for who I am. In fact, it's the job of the rest of the world to show me where I need to improve. But, on the other hand ...

2 I should love people for who they are. It's not my business to make people over. My job is to make myself over. There's more than enough work to be done there. Working on other people's supposed failings is just a distraction from my real business.

That's a rough paraphrase of Byron Katie's "Work", an approach that has helped me tremendously for the last dozen years or so. Whenever I get miserable it's usually a clue that I'm working on someone else's 'business'.

mtrimpe• 13 years ago

So it's like Postel's principle (be liberal in what you accept no strict in what you emit) for relations?

GiraffeNecktie2• 13 years ago

Yep.

kvasan• 13 years ago

Who are this post intended audience? (surely not all) How do you know that you are the person before this 'change', and have not already made one to many sacrifice of your self.

Maybe Im stating the obvious, but I can't see this being true for virtually all people, yet how do you know I youre one of them.

mnicole• 13 years ago

Cowering to people's expectations of you in hopes that you will impress them really depends on the problem and the person, and can be incredibly degrading and depressing if you feel you've done the effort to fix your situation and the outcome doesn't change. Personally, I think we already expect too much of people and don't accept variety enough.

A girlfriend breaking up with you because "she can't love you for who you are" is a blessing in disguise. Do you really want to check every box on her list.. what was next? Love is not a game of putting each other through some sort of obstacle course to perfection; personal growth is attained through inspiration of the other.

Do you really want to keep working at a place that doesn't want you around? Your "real talk" might be offensive in some circles, but it sounds more like day-to-day office life just wasn't in this guy's cards. It takes a wake-up call to pivot your life towards things you should really be doing, not catering yourself to where you've accidentally crash-landed, likely just to pay for one's basic needs.

Relationships do not have to be chores. Jobs do not have to be chores. You can find people and places that love you for who you are and wouldn't have you any other way.

> Lots of people tell others and themselves “I’m just a disorganized person” or “I get on edge when I get hungry – it just happens” or “I can’t help it if I’m blunt.”

> They're wrong.

Er.. I don't think any of these are bad things (if not just natural and expected) and if you're judging people by them, maybe you should find some bigger fish to fry.

chc• 13 years ago

Those are frequently euphemisms. A "disorganized person" is often somebody who breaks a lot of promises (e.g. "Sorry, I know I'm supposed to be there helping you with that thing, but I can't make it — I'm so disorganized"), while "on edge" and "blunt" are both basically less-blunt ways of saying "an inconsiderate asshole."

sakopov• 13 years ago

> The next time you find yourself wishing someone loved you for who you are, check yourself. It’s likely you’re trying to justify something about yourself that isn’t that great. Have the courage to examine yourself thoughtfully, to humbly receive feedback from those close to you, to recognize it’s most likely changeable, and to have the conviction to make change happen.

Well, if your partner tells you you're farting too often than that's one thing. If someone wants to change something about you that you and others around you have grown to appreciate then you should be asking yourself if you're with the right person.

Being a servant is dangerous unless both parties agree on this approach in a relationship. I've lost count of how many times I've seen two people together where one changed to accommodate the other partner and ended up being a perpetual ass-kisser, leaving everything and everyone behind while under constant control of his/her significant other. The other person may never be happy and this can end very bad for both parties involved.

When people are genuinely looking for someone they're not looking for someone to change. They're looking for someone who can complete them. They're looking for their opposite in some aspects. The right person won't try to change you. They'll embrace that you're different.

kstenerud• 13 years ago

This post, like many contrarian posts, tackles the "problem" by swinging the pendulum all the way to the other side.

It's up to you to decide which parts of you you're not willing to compromise on, and stick to your guns on those parts.

Sure, if you find that too many people dislike you, do a little soul searching and perhaps change your stance, but don't allow yourself to be boxed in by other peoples' expectations of you. They're human just like you are, and their expectations can be just as unrealistic and unfair as yours.

Ultimately, YOU decide how you live your life. How much of that you allow other people to influence is your own concern, as are the consequences. Just don't go whining about it when things don't go your way.

yarou• 13 years ago

While I agree with most of your points, I have to disagree with your last one. It is only a half-truth to say you decide how you live your life; there are many factors, such as socioeconomic status, where you live, etc...things you cannot in certain circumstances control that determine how you MUST live your life.

smrtinsert• 13 years ago

Rational posts have no place on the internet. I think we're supposed to respond with large blocks of angry text and swagger if possible.

ahoge• 13 years ago

Oh, this one is fun. As far as everyone else is concerned, you're only defined by your actions. What you do is who you are.

You can do whatever you want.

What a twist!

eddorre• 13 years ago

I wouldn't put too much stock into what this guy says; he's not a mental health professional.

The problem with geeks nowadays is that we are conditioned to think logically about problems and find solutions to them. Unfortunately, this gives us the perception that our logic can solve all problems as if they were puzzles.

This leads geeks to give advice out of their domain. Armed with a little bit of knowlege, we give advice as if we understand the problem fully and completely.

I think that this akin to an astrophysicist adivising people how to build and scale a Rails app just because he read a Rails introduction book.

But don't listen to me, I'm a geek speaking outside of my domain. If you're having interpersonal issues at work/home or struggling in general, I urge you to seek a professional in these matters.

xijuan• 13 years ago

The truth is that personality stays relatively stable over time. The author seems to believe that people are born as blank slates and thus we can easily change our behaviour and personality..The reality is that we are not born as blank slates. We are born with many innate qualities (i.e., temperament, intelligence). I do agree that we can change some of our habits. But there are aspects of ourselves that we simply can't change. For myself, I think it is anxiety and depression. It is part of me. I can do things to minimize it but I will still be prone to it. I think my future partner really just has to accept this imperfect aspect of me.. I feel sorry that he will have to deal it with me.. But in turn, I will also accept his imperfections. Isn't relationship more about tolerance and compromise?

thewisedude• 13 years ago

Another way to think about this is- Who is the real you? Because you are changing! When you are 21 years old, you might be one person, when you are 30 years old you might have evolved for better or for worse!

Is the real you when you are 1 year old, or 1 day old?

If somebody were to love you for exactly who you were say when you were 10 years old, the moment you change, you become unlovable is it?

I think this quote shouldn't be a guiding principle or be given as much importance!

echobase• 13 years ago

I don't think this guy's message is all that complicated. He simply advises a little self-awareness and to not go around acting like your shit has no odor.

ibudiallo• 13 years ago

It's interesting to see how a lot of these commenters feel like they are keeping it real and showing this article is wrong.

alenam• 13 years ago

I think we should love people more. We have to be idealist. "If we take man as he is – we make him worse, if we take man as he should be, we make him capable of becoming what he can be". http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=f...

Why people shouldn’t love you for who you are

Related Stories