My 20 year old son doesn't date. His friends don't date. What is going on?

https://old.reddit.com/r/NoStupidQuestions/comments/18kg3e3/my_20_year_old_son_doesnt_date_his_friends_dont/

by wolframhempel • 3 years ago

3 5 3 years ago

old.reddit.com

catchnear4321• 3 years ago

values are changing.

there are new old.

it is all highly uncomfortable, but not all that bad.

wolframhempel• 3 years ago

I think it’s multi causal:

- lack of social norms and established best practices around courtship. (Man making the first move, how to start the conversation etc.)

- a lot of communication happens publicly and has a permanent record - so mistakes are more punished

- Being approached is likely to be perceived as more negatively/creepy (me too movement etc.)

- Having fewer things in common. (In the 90s, everyone watched the same movies, read similar books etc..)

- Overabundance of alternative entertainment / having fun on your own

- Different dating behavior introduced by Tinder & Co with more short term/immediate reward loops

Here’s what I think isn’t the reason:

- “Those kids always being on their phones” (aren’t we all?)

- New generations being inherently less social

pestatije• 3 years ago

their sexting like mad though

starkparker• 3 years ago

Young adults have never been poorer. Dating apps, getting to dates, and going on the date all cost money, often considerably more money now than did even just a few years ago.

Heterosexual and bisexual women are historically more likely to date older men; men of all sexual orientations tend to date younger. Casual relationships among 20-somethings — something between no-strings sex via app matches and serious long-term connections developed over time — are seen as more fraught and less valuable than the alternatives, so "dating around" just doesn't happen like it once did; it's both less efficient and riskier.

The options for a 20-year-old man are slim relative to men in their later 20s and 30s. When dating women their own age, they're in steep competition with better-connected post-collegiate men who are more likely to be experienced and stable — and are also more likely to seek younger women. Bi/pan men in their early 20s are more likely to date older as well. Bi/pan women in their early 20s are more likely to seek and explore their first same-sex relationships in their social peer groups than to continue or begin engaging in relationships with men.

The social environment for a 20-year-old man of any orientation to date someone younger is obviously culturally fraught. Dating older is sometimes the only option, but the same things that keep young 20-somethings dateless among peers (little to no income, little relationship experience, cultural immaturity) make them even less attractive to many older men and women.

Young adults also have fewer friends now than in recent decades, a figure that was already poor among men before COVID and worse since. Colleges and workplaces becoming more remote-friendly also reduced opportunities for peer groups to form and congregate, which reduces the opportunities for casual in-person friendships that might develop into romantic relationships or expand a social circle to include potential romantic matches that no app would connect.

Finding good friends, regardless of gender or romantic intent, takes more time and effort now, is a more valuable use of time than many of the current avenues for seeking a date, and often costs less money. It's safer, easier, more affordable, and in many ways healthier for a 20-year-old man to find social avenues other than dating, and to defer that until they're stable enough to be attractive to younger partners. Content to satisfy sexual urges without having physical sex has never been more accessible, affordable, or personalized.

vjulian• 3 years ago

Those boys, I would conclude, simply don’t perceive value in romantic relationships and therefore eschew dating.

To me, that’s understandable: What value would a romantic relationship hold for guys of that age and apparent demographic, especially when finding sex is no problem?

My 20 year old son doesn't date. His friends don't date. What is going on?

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