Ask HN: Planning for Parenthood

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=33144382

by bckr • 4 years ago

1 12 4 years ago

news.ycombinator.com

I'm probably 10 years away from starting a family. I want it to be very intentional and give my children the best life I can.

I want to take advantage of genetic screening or even enhancement if it's available at that time.

I think I'd like to have a nanny so that my partner and I can both work and avoid burning out on the more difficult physical aspects of infants.

I want to provide an excellent education whether that is public or private, traditional or nontraditional.

Thoughts? Online resources or communities? What can I take into consideration between now and then?

fspacek• 4 years ago

You mentioned "hypothetical partner". Focus on that first, nothing else matters.

bckr6• 4 years ago

Thanks. Updated to "future partner", as I have success with partnerships and am not worried about finding the right person in the given timeframe. I am not looking to get married and have a nuclear family, so I am looking to see how others with a hacker mentality are thinking about their children.

zaphar• 4 years ago

The nuclear family as you call it has a lot of built in mental and emotional safeguards for your child. Even with a solid nuclear family it's hard to provide those safeguards, if you are intending to have children without them just be aware that you are going to have to work much harder to provide those mental and emotional safeguards. Parenting is already hard enough make very sure that you truly want to make it even harder still by going this route. I'm not saying it's impossible but you are in some sense doing it on hard mode.

Full disclosure: I have raised 5 children.

gregjor3• 4 years ago

Sorry, but your bullet points all seem like the opposite of parenthood. Disclaimer: I have raised three children.

Having children before you get old makes sense. Pregnancy and childbirth get harder on women as they get older, and some evidence shows that sperm quality decreases with age. Nature has optimized us to reproduce while still young. Why wait ten years? If you think an infant will burn you out now it won't get easier in ten years.

Screening for defects and diseases makes sense to reduce those risks. Enhancement seems unlikely given the ten-year horizon, and likely a bad idea even if/when available.

Why have a child when you plan to have strangers (nanny, schools) do most of the work?

Regardless of all of your plans and precautions, when you bring a child into the world you have responsibility for but not real control over that new person. You don't get to make them into something you want or can plan for. Children have their own personalities and eventually their own wants and desires and plans. A big part of the fun of raising children comes from watching that new person grow and take shape. Parents who try to raise children according to their own ideas and dreams face conflict and disappointment.

Your plan seems to take all the joy and wonder out of having a child and parenting. Some things merit the "very intentional" approach, but relationships and children don't fit that category for me. If you want that kind of control and tentative relationship on your terms, get aquarium fish.

bckr6• 4 years ago

Thanks for a thoughtful response

Why wait ten years? If you think an infant will burn you out now it won't get easier in ten years.

Will be in my 30, and will have accomplished more and have more resources.

Why have a child when you plan to have strangers (nanny, schools) do most of the work?

Did you homeschool?

I don't see what makes changing diapers or keeping infants from killing themselves a very enriching way of spending energy.

I'm interested in the dinner conversations, weekend activities and holidays, and in nurturing a child's imagination, creativity and character.

Regardless of all of your plans and precautions... Children have their own personalities and eventually their own wants and desires and plans. A big part of the fun of raising children comes from watching that new person grow and take shape... Your plan seems to take all the joy and wonder out of having a child and parenting. Some things merit the "very intentional" approach, but relationships and children don't fit that category for me.

I think you're reading into what I've said, quite a bit.

Just because I don't control the growth of a tomato plant, doesn't mean I don't want to design its soil, sun exposure, and hydration conditions to the best of my abilities.

Thanks again

__d• 4 years ago

> Why have a child when you plan to have strangers (nanny, schools) do most of the work?
Did you homeschool?
I don't see what makes changing diapers or keeping infants from killing themselves a very enriching way of spending energy.
I'm interested in the dinner conversations, weekend activities and holidays, and in nurturing a child's imagination, creativity and character.

With respect, I think you're thinking about this wrong.

The menial tasks of caring for a child (diapers, cleaning, clothing, feeding, etc) are the structure within which you develop a bond, a relationship with the individual. It changes both of you, and by avoiding it, you also eliminate the thousands of moments that build that relationship between parent and child.

As your child grows, those tasks evolve: playing Lego, drawing, listening to their stories, playing dumb video games, taking them to soccer/swimming/music lessons/etc. Lots of stuff that's basically not what you'd really rather be doing, save that your kid wants to do it. Avoiding them again misses an opportunity to be a part of who your child becomes.

Now, this is not to say you need do _everything_. A kid benefits from relationships with family, as well as teachers, coaches, older kids, peers, etc. They learn how to make and maintain friendships, how to be both independent but also open to sharing. That can obviously include a nanny, or daycare providers -- everyone's choices are different, and depend on the child's own needs as well.

But I'd really encourage you to look beyond the dirty diapers, the vomit, the dribble, the food stain on your work clothes, the 3 hours of sleep. There's a lot more to the process than what's visible, and in my experience, it's important, profound, and well worth it.

gregjor3• 4 years ago

In my experience, parents fall into two broad categories. Those who think they should have waited to have kids (usually for financial and relationship stability), and those who wish they hadn’t waited so long. Every parent will differ on this, but overall giving birth and raising children takes less out of you while you’re still young. Even conceiving a child turns into a medical problem as you get older.

Did you homeschool?

Yes, all three, though two went to school at middle/high-school age because most of their friends went to school. Technically we unschooled our kids and let them choose their own interests. They participated in the family and the adult world from day one. Montessori is probably the closest to homeschooling if you want to outsource, but I think having my kids around and part of our daily life was rewarding for everyone.

I don't see what makes changing diapers or keeping infants from killing themselves a very enriching way of spending energy.

That’s a very limited view of raising a child. I would only expect to hear that from someone who hasn’t had children. As another commenter wrote, you miss out on so much bonding and joy with your child if think of infants and toddlers as merely puppies who need more house-training. What kind of imagination and creativity do you suppose your child will have, or share with you, if you had someone else raise them during the crucial early years? Children learn from the people around them, from birth.

You can try to control conditions all you want. Your posts imply that you view raising a child as an exercise in optimizing for an outcome. Children are human beings with their own personalities and wills. They don’t work like tomato plants.

Ask HN: Planning for Parenthood

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