Ask HN: How to stop being a worrier?

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=18933852

18 16 8 years ago

news.ycombinator.com

I'm the kind of person who for every single situation runs all scenarios through his head and thinks about all of the 27 possible outcomes, and has thought extensively about each of them in an "if this happens then I'll do that" manner.

In most of the cases, things turn out fine and all the worrying was unnecessary.

I feel this affects my quality of life negatively and would love to not do this as often. Unfortunately, simply saying "stop doing that" doesn't work too well.

Any tips on how to stop being a worrier, or how to approach life in a more positive manner ?

popular• 8 years ago

You should study math. Especially, the problems in discrete math. These problems often require you consider "every single situation", "all scenarios" and "all of the 27 possible outcomes" and likely go way above and beyond that.

As a bonus, math trains mental endurance, toughness, agility and creativity. Ain't nothing compares to math in this department.

czbond• 8 years ago

I would suggest learning decision trees (which you are doing "mentally" currently), as well as probabilistic thinking. Also, start to slowly accept that some things are worth worrying about, and many you can just roll with the punches. I ask myself - could I change this in the future if it is a wrong decision, or will this cost me a lot in career, finance, life satisfaction. Also assess if you're a control freak, and either how to mitigate it, or how to use it to your best advantage.

Link: Decision tree primer https://hbr.org/1964/07/decision-trees-for-decision-making

tucaz• 8 years ago

This is a common and predominant trait of many people in the world. I’m just like you. It hurts me sometimes but it also makes me valuable. It depends on the situation.

In my case, what I did was make peace with it and accept that I do it. By doing that l, I at least give me the chance to acknowledge that I’m doing it and try to reduce the undesired effects.

If you are interested Dr. Jordan Peterson participated in a Dr. Oz segment on TV talking about these different personalities.

https://www.doctoroz.com/quiz/quiz-whats-your-personality-ty...

If you still want to go deeper I believe you can probably look up more stuff from Peterson and go from there.

afarrell• 8 years ago

I have heard recommendations for this book, but have not read it: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Things-Might-Terribly-Horribly-Wron...

BjoernKW• 8 years ago

Two common recommendations are practising Stoicism and / or meditation because these approaches can help you to put things into perspective.

One key insight often promoted through meditation for instance is that you’re not your thoughts.

A Stoicism-related technique that might be particularly useful in your case is Tim Ferriss’ fear-setting: https://tim.blog/2017/05/15/fear-setting/

tjkrusinski• 8 years ago

Worrying is pretty normal. We all do it. There are a lot of ways to approach trying to worry less, however as you said you can't "just stop".

I'd recommend seeing a therapist and developing a treatment plan together. It's a practical way to identify what you are worrying about, why and how to overcome it. Then, I'd encourage you to learn more about personalities and your personality type. There are a bunch of 'personality type' systems out there, but the Enneagram is one of the least specific in its 'typing' and most useful in its insights.

- The Complete Enneagram: 27 Paths to Greater Self-Knowledge (https://www.amazon.com/Complete-Enneagram-Paths-Greater-Self...) - Feeling Good (https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380...)

Feeling Good is by David Burns, a Stanford professor who developed Cognitive Behavior Therapy. CBT is a way to identify and manage your thoughts. It sounds like you are a 'fortune telling' type of person and you try to read your crystal ball and then act on those assumptions rather than what you know. Burns goes into how to identify those types of thoughts, how to refute them and how to mitigate their effects.

yesenadam2• 8 years ago

Feeling Good is by David Burns, a Stanford professor who developed Cognitive Behavior Therapy.

Uh no, I don't think so. The wiki page on CBT [0] doesn't mention Burns. (I did read Feeling Good years ago, don't remember anything about it - maybe because I'd read Ellis and a lot of others first.)

I did get a lot from, and have recommend to others with success, Albert Ellis' book The New Guide to Rational Living, about what he called rational emotive therapy - many subsequent methods are very similar, because it works. In short, observe your negative thoughts and change them. No woo or huge cost involved. From [1] :

"REBT is the first form of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and was first expounded by Ellis in the mid-1950s; development continued until his death in 2007. ... Psychology Today noted, "No individual — not even Freud himself — has had a greater impact on modern psychotherapy" ... In his first major book on rational therapy, Ellis wrote that the central principle of his approach, that people are rarely emotionally affected by external events but rather by their thinking about such events, "was originally discovered and stated by the ancient Stoic philosophers" "

[0] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy

[1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rational_emotive_behavior_ther...

mrdependable• 8 years ago

I know a lot of worriers, including my wife. I believe it all comes down to two things: control and perfection. Things you can't control make you worried, and you have this idealized version of what the outcome is supposed to be.

If there were any real answers that could be given, we wouldn't have people in the world who worry anymore. The truth is that what helps is different for everyone. I personally loathe self-help books, but I found that reading literature has had a significant impact on how I view living/life. Just keep an open mind and try a few things. Maybe what helps you is going to a sweat lodge twice a year, who knows?

yesenadam2• 8 years ago

If there were any real answers that could be given
I personally loathe self-help books

Some of them do actually have "real answers". (e.g. see my other comment on this page) There are good and bad, as in any field. It seems you have decided without evidence that none are worth reading. To the point of loathing. Hate? That's a shame. (And you are recommending an open mind?!...)

this2shallPass• 8 years ago

Meditate, do Cognitive Behavior Therapy, exercise, sleep better, eat better, and cultivate relationships with people. Generally, be more present.

Short book on meditation: https://www.amazon.com/Sit-Like-Buddha-Pocket-Meditation/dp/...

Longer book: https://www.amazon.com/Mind-Illuminated-Meditation-Integrati...

Also, try some guidelines to help you choose more intentionally when and how to analyze things. Is it no topic is worth thinking through all outcomes? Or, important topics are worth it, and they are x, y and z? Or, I can do that type of thinking only an hour a day, from 7-8pm? Once a week? A therapist and trial and error can help you figure out what works for you.

Have a counterfactual behavior that you'll do when you notice you're analyzing when you didn't intend to. E.g. if I notice I'm thinking through scenarios, I'll acknowledge that, then focus on my breath.

mrsareen• 8 years ago

Mindfulness is your answer.

raptorraver• 8 years ago

I’m currently reading a book where Nokia’s Head of Board Risto Siilasmaa explains how his ”paranoid optimism” has helped him a lot in leading the transformation of Nokia. He says that he has a habit of always thinking through all the bad outcomes of different situation but through optimism. I believe this book could help you.

Link to the book: https://www.paranoid-optimist.com/

hotdox• 8 years ago

It is not a bad trait in itself. Badness is applyig this trait to every small event of your life. You need to differentiate between important and unimportant events. Before starting running scenarios in your head assign cost to a case. Tune your cost-setting according outcomes.

bmitch2112• 8 years ago

This book might help you:

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/4866.How_to_Stop_Worryin...

It's by Dale Carnegie who also wrote "How to Win Friends and Influence People".

lucozade• 8 years ago

I used to have something similar. I wouldn't describe it as worrying exactly but I would go through multiple scenarios to the point that I wasn't sleeping properly, work was affecting home life etc. It definitely had a negative effect on my health.

The approach I took was to forcibly compartmentalise things. If I needed to think deeply about something I would sit down, switch off distractions and do so for a fixed period. I would then find something else to pay attention to: read a book, phone someone, that sort of thing. So I couldn't continue thinking about the problem.

The key for me was to move to thinking hard about something else for a period, not let my mind wander.

I also found that having a couple of "go to" subjects, unrelated to work or home, that require complex thought processes, helped. I switch to thinking about them if there is no other candidate e.g. when I am going to sleep. YMMV but the 2 I chose were developing a new programming language and designing a town. I'd pick an aspect of one of them and think how I'd design that.

It worked for me. The only minor downsides I've noticed are 1) that I really don't like talking about home when at work and vice versa. And 2) when I actually had some free time, and decided to implement the language, I kept nodding off.

vkaku• 8 years ago

Everytime you worry, identify it. Try raising a 'Aha!' finger everytime you do that. Eventually you'll stop doing it, mindfully.

Ask HN: How to stop being a worrier?

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