Ask HN: Etiquette at conferences?

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=1878392

by typicalday • 16 years ago

62 26 16 years ago

news.ycombinator.com

I'm curious if there are any good books or online resources or even coaches/tutors for etiquette and manners, particularly as it applies to academic and tech conferences...

I don't mean like where you put your fork and knife but more:

- how to get in and out of a conversation circle

- event invitations: when is it ok to go and not go

- what's the appropriate amount to talk about yourself and your idea

- how to identify this conversation is going nowhere

- how to approach FAMOUS GUY

- how to appropriately ask your friend to introduce you to his friend, FAMOUS GUY

- etc

petervandijck• 16 years ago

Dodgy title but good advice: How to win friends and influence people. http://amzn.to/aEYc04

For conferences: try to contact people that are going beforehand and talk about stuff over email. It's easier to follow up in person than to start from scratch in person.

bjonathan• 16 years ago

Some conference tips from Colette Ballou (from BALLOU PR http://BallouPr.com ): http://search.twitter.com/search?q=&ands=Conference+tips...

gasull• 16 years ago

- how to get in and out of a conversation circle

What I usually do is approaching a 3-people circle. They usually welcome you. If it's a 2-people "circle" then it might be a somewhat private conversation. And if there are 4 people or more then it's starting to be crowded.

devmonk• 16 years ago

I think you are worrying about it too much. Just be yourself.

If you are doing interesting things, then other people will want to talk with you. If you aren't, they won't. You can be personable and likable, and they might talk with you, and maybe you'll get an in somewhere, but if you aren't aiming for anything in particular, what difference will it make?

trouble• 16 years ago

I haven't had a chance to go to any academic conferences yet, but I was involved in a discussion regarding networking at conferences with one of my professors [1] earlier this year. Some of his suggestions were,

- don't sit with people you already know. Make a point of sitting with people you don't know for seminars, workshops, meals etc.

- same for queues. If you're with friends, queue up separately for a chance to talk to new people.

- only fill your cup a little at those meet and greet events with food and drinks. This way, if you get stuck in a conversation that's not going anywhere, you've always got an excuse to leave - to re-fill your cup.

I realise these don't really address the questions the OP asked, but I thought I'd add them. Hopefully someone else will have some thoughts, because I'm interested too.

[1] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hugh_Possingham

jseifer• 16 years ago

Do not awkwardly kiss and subsequently force your hand down female conference-goers underwear.

bryanh• 16 years ago

I know HN usually gets silly on the weekends, but this is generally good advice.

robryan• 16 years ago

http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=1875718 What the parent post is referring to if anyone missed it.

antipaganda• 16 years ago

Important safety tip there, thanks Egon.

jackowayed2• 16 years ago

Don't do so to male conference-goers either.

RBr2• 16 years ago

Here are a couple of things that I've learned specific to your questions. They're sure no book, but I don't think that a practical guide exists. Being good at conferences is as individual as writing code - it's an extension of yourself.

- how to get in and out of a conversation circle

If people are heavily engaged, this is very difficult and you can easily step on the toes of the folks engaged in conversation. Generally, as long as the conversation doesn't "feel" private, stand near the circle and nod a lot. Then, when you have something truly intelligent to add, offer that up. Instantly, you will then be part of the conversation. If you don't have an intelligent part to add, don't. Use this opportunity to break into another group by saying "Bill over there was just talking about tktkt, what do you think of that?"

- event invitations: when is it ok to go and not go

Private events are not ok. Don't show up at the bar or otherwise crash it. Get on the list and do it the right way. At some large, stupidly exclusive events such as Ted, it's ok to show up in the hotel bar and mingle with the folks who paid to be there.

- what's the appropriate amount to talk about yourself and your idea

I use personal information to engage others to talk about themselves. I don't directly talk about myself. A natural part of conversation is to engage people personally in a back-and-forth manner. However, if someone talks about their office in San Francisco, exchange a fact about yourself that involves the area. Use tidbits of information about yourself to engage, not fill conversation. When asked, answer every single personal question honestly and deeply. This goes a long way to developing a relationship. It is however handy to have a few interesting, entertaining stories about yourself. This makes for great dinner conversation where back-and-forth often turns into somewhat of a round-robin of stories.

- how to identify this conversation is going nowhere

I never assume that a conversation isn't going anywhere. One of my biggest pet peeves at conferences are folks who are only there to talk to the heavy hitters. I get wanting to maximize your time, but understand that no single group of people or individual is as valuable as the collection of people attending a conference. There are usually very large brain trusts at events and if you can get a feel for the entire crowd and even have a set of questions answered by a variety of people, this is the best case scenario. Remember that conversations have a natural arc. If you feel stuck in a conversation, you need to learn how to naturally arc the conversation earlier so that you can gracefully move without being noticed.

- how to approach FAMOUS GUY

Remember that you likely won't actually have a discussion with famous people at events. Famous folks (no matter if they're on the bill or not) talk to a lot of people at events and the chance of you gaining any insight or that they will even remember you after you walk away is negligible. My best advice is that if you have some business with someone famous to walk up to him or her after he or she is done presenting, when you notice that they have a quite moment or if all else fails after they come out of the bathroom (never while in the bathroom). Quietly but confidently say something like "Hi Jimmy, my name is John, I know this isn't a great place to talk, but I've come here just to introduce myself in the hope that we can talk again. Here's my card with a note on the back about what I want to talk about. Could you give me a call when you have time or could I call you?"

- how to appropriately ask your friend to introduce you to his friend, FAMOUS GUY

I wouldn't sweat famous people too much. Sure, they look cool and have cool people around them, but for the most part, they're just people with more money then you. The real question that you should be sweating over is, what are you going to do so that people want to be introduced to you? It doesn't matter if your friend knows a music legend or is dating a model, people are people. If you hang around the right people enough, you'll get to know famous people without trying. Specifically at conferences, I'd think carefully about how much value waiting in line (and there is always a line) to talk to someone famous is. Personally, I'd rather talk to everyone in that line and everyone else at the event and then, if need be, talk to the famous person outside of the busy event to connect some dots.

rguzman2• 16 years ago

Wow. I wrote basically the exact same comment at roughly the same time. Yours wasn't there when I started and it was when I finished.

RBr2• 16 years ago

This goes to show you that being good at conferences isn't unique... it's a skill that is learned though experience along with trail-and-error. For some folks, it comes naturally while others need to work at it. It is a skill though and when practiced can be a lot of fun.

jackowayed2• 16 years ago

One thing to add: I learned at Startup School that if you really want to talk to FAMOUS GUY at a conference, do it before he speaks.

At Startup School, every presenter was swamped with people after his talk, even the ones who really weren't that famous. But all of the presenters, even Ron Conway, had few enough people trying to talk to them before the spoke that they were quite approachable.

It also shows them that you knew who they were before the conference, which probably gives them a slightly better impression of you.

Zev• 16 years ago

One thing to add: I learned at Startup School that if you really want to talk to FAMOUS GUY at a conference, do it before he speaks.

Never been to Startup School, but, I've found this to be the case at pretty much every conference I've been to.

I usually just go "Hey, nice presentation," maybe adding something like "I really liked the bit about $foo," and then disappear from the group. There's usually a chance to catch up everyone later on - either after other people have presented and they're not as busy or over drinks later on in the evening.

andrewvc• 16 years ago

I'll add to your advice about circles, which I generally agree with (although I usually introduce myself immediately once there's a break in conversation, even if I don't have anything to add).

I would amend your advice to say you don't necessarily need to have something to 'add'. Most people actually are less interested in what you have to say than what they have to say. Most people actually want you to ask them to questions they can answer intelligently. The other reason to ask more questions is you'll actually learn more, rather than walking around talking about stuff you already know, which won't do much more than inflate your own ego.

So, don't feel like you need to say something that's always equally as smart as everyone around you, posing simple questions is totally fine within reason, just watch for cues for boredom.

Leaving conversations and circles is important as well, often you don't want , or can't spend an entire hour talking to a single person or group of people (though sometimes you do!). Especially if you're organizing an event, you really should probably be having more shorter conversations so you can meet more attendees. I usually excuse myself with 'Excuse me, I have to say hi to someone', which is a great phrase because 1.) It's sincere 2.) It's pretty unoffensive.

Of course it's more polite to leave a circle than to leave an individual, you don't generally want to leave someone alone and with no one to talk to, it's rude unless you know they're a social butterfly and really don't care. If possible you should instead integrate your party of two into another conversation. I generally do this by saying 'Oh, by the way, have you met bob?' or 'hey, let's check out what they're talking about'.

Speaking of events (shameless plug), the Los Angeles Hacker News meetup is next @ coloft next saturday! http://www.meetup.com/Los-Angeles-Hacker-News/calendar/15138...

jamesbritt2• 16 years ago

"The real question that you should be sweating over is, what are you going to do so that people want to be introduced to you?"

Seriously, this solves all sorts of problems. :)

It's nice to go someplace, and maybe you're not quite sure where to sit or who to join, and are you crashing some conversation, etc. and then have someone grab you and say, hey you're so-and-so, and talk to you about the stuff you've been doing.

bbuffone• 16 years ago

Private events - if you do feel compelled go to... The best advise and one that works most of the time is; act like you belong there. Don't stop at the front and ask questions or give someone a reason to talk to you, just walk in. If someone looks at you, and they might be asking for invites just nod and keep walking. It a tech party not backstage at a Justin Bieber concert.

Though having been to many private tech parties both invited and not; I realized they are fairly boring. The best ones are the bigger conference parties with a concert. Book release parties are the worst.

Crash the ones that have free food and booze, if you do. Good general advice is always have a drink/plate in your hand as it is the simplest and a polite way to leave a conversation. "need to get a refill, talk to you later"

rguzman2• 16 years ago

"working a room" is actually fairly difficult as there are probably not very many rules of thumb that you can follow that don't have exceptions. You have to be sensitive to social cues and have tact.

Getting in and out of conversation circles: hang out nearby and eavesdrop. If the conversation sounds like one that you have something to contribute, wait until you have something to say and there is an adequate lull in the conversation to jump in. It doesn't matter if what you have to say refers to earlier in the conversation "I overheard you said x a while ago,..."

What's appropriate amount to talk about yourself/idea: as little as possible unless you are trying to sell to the person listening (and even in that case, as little as possible, but more than otherwise). People like to talk about themselves. Good conversationalists mostly listen and interject with anecdotes of their own that are relevant and the other person can relate to.

How to approach FAMOUS GUY: just do it. Wait for your chance and then "Hello. I'm x. Big fan. ..." Most FAMOUS GUYs are used to being approached and know how to deal with unwanted attention. Just be polite.

How to ask your friend for an introduction: I assume you mean "how to ask someone you don't know too well for an introduction" -- if it were your friend, just ask bluntly. If it is not your friend, ask bluntly, but provide a little bit more context. Why do you want said introduction, what's the goal, etc.

The best advice: just be yourself. You look approachable when you are comfortable.

Another piece of advice: don't look busy/purposeful. When you are by yourself, just stand in one place, smile at everyone, and wait until you see people that are by themselves. Introduce yourself simply.

Edit: whoaz, I wrote a lot more than I thought I would -- I should disclose that while I think all of the above are good tips, I suck at many of them myself.

phamilton• 16 years ago

Is there a specific conference you are going to?

noahc• 16 years ago

Here are a few pointers:

1. Find a way to help everyone. Tell them, "hey, give me your e-mail address and I'll e-mail you x" or "Hey, e-mail me and I'll send that website/book/pdf I was talking about." Don't even talk about your projects. When you send the e-mail put something about it in the signature. They'll check it out. Follow up 3 weeks later.

2.Why do you want to talk to the famous guy? Is it because if he just tweets or blogs or knows about your app you're going to be big? You won't be big because he knows about it, but you'll probably be big if 20 up and coming people know about it. Hit them up, and you actually stand a chance.

3.Think about your personal brand (I struggle with this!) before you get there. Are you the newbie with something to prove, the expert, the rags to riches b2b story. All your stories, interactions have to match this personal brand. It should be an extension of your online presence (HN comments, blog, twitter, etc)

siracguy• 16 years ago

One approach I've found useful when trying to meet any of the speakers at a conference (which I assume includes the FAMOUS GUY you refer to): find the speaker in some other setting at the conference, such as when everyone picks up a boxed lunch and sits at random tables, or people are standing around outside the conference room. At that point, the speaker is just another person hanging out (unless the person is REALLY FAMOUS, and getting mobbed all the time). I once met the Fed CTO at a Starbucks just outside the conf center.

Right after a speech is the WORST time to try to strike up a conversation with a speaker, as some of the other commenters have pointed out - at that point, they're usually surrounded by a group of people handing them business cards and talking at them; yet that's when most people try to meet them.

Getting a friend to introduce you to someone he or she knows is usually the best way; most people will be happy to perform an introduction if you just ask. In the worst case, they can just tell you that they're not comfortable doing it.

jamesbritt2• 16 years ago

"how to appropriately ask your friend to introduce you to his friend, FAMOUS GUY"

Well, to turn this around: After attending the first few Ruby confs (though I missed #1) I was pleasantly surprised to find that matz not only recognize me when he saw me, but remembered my name.

At some point I was attending Ruby conferences with coworkers or friends who were going for their first time, and when I would run into matz I made a point of going over to say hello, and also introduce these conf newbies. And I would try to do this for anyone else I thought my cohorts would be interested in meeting.

For the longest time I had been a horribly shy person, and I still often have to force myself to do certain social things, so I figure if I can help someone else get over that initial hurdle by doing a few introductions then the world is a better place.

So, all you people who have already established assorted acquaintances, help broaden the circle.

BTW, most of the time FAMOUS PERSON is pretty nice and happy to meet people who say how great they are and how cool their work is. :) So in the absence of a formal introduction, just go over and introduce yourself. That's kind of the point of conferences.

drakep• 16 years ago

Having been to several conferences my only advice would be do everything with confidence and a big smile.

As an undergraduate I approached many famous people in my field with nothing more than a smile and a hand out, they all understand where you are having been there themselves at some point.

Usually they will ask you what you're doing and show some kind of interest in your work or ideas.

zatara• 16 years ago

I had the same curiosity when I started graduate studies. This book helped a lot, it goes through this and many other academic/technical issues, giving a good insight on the "non-spoken" rules of the game and how scientists actually think. It was some kind of an underground classic at the time I went through it (earlier edition) and a very light and entertaining read.

http://www.amazon.com/Winning-Games-Scientists-Play-Sinderma...

sb• 16 years ago

Hi,

there is some advice out there for (successfully) attending academic conferences:

- http://www.cs.washington.edu/homes/mernst/advice/conference-... (Michael Ernst's homepage has other excellent information, too)

- http://www.cs.indiana.edu/how.2b/how.2b.community.html#confe...

All in all, I think this complements some of the already mentioned comments. However, some advice in here is clearly geared towards non-acacdemic venues (for example, I never saw anyone at an academic venue speaking about business ventures and/or monetary issues--aside of ill-fated research policies.)

Ask HN: Etiquette at conferences?

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