Ask HN: How do I make friends?

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=1689440

by shame • 16 years ago

8 11 16 years ago

news.ycombinator.com

My story: I had a few good friends in my college days, but since I left college and moved on to other places, I have no way of regularly meeting them anymore.

I don't go out very much. I know that to meet people you should go out and stuff, but I don't know where to go. I mean after my hectic office hours there is not much time to go tout and meet people. (I am good friends with people in my office, but cannot say that they feel the same way. I try to help them in any work they have and people tend to like me because of this. I don't know if I have any behavioral traits that alienate people.)

People say that it is near to impossible to make good friends after college. Is this true? What are your experiences?

I am really alone in a big city and I am desperate. I am ready to give up anything to get some good friends. Without at least a single person to care about me, I am losing my self-respect. Please advice me.

spooneybarger• 16 years ago

I haven't had any problems making friends outside of college. Most everyone I know hasn't had a problem with it, so I find the 'it is near to impossible to make good friends after college' doesn't mesh with my experience at all.

If you want to make friends, find a way to do things that you enjoy that involve others. If you like music, get involved with others in making music. Like to code? Go to meetups for particular subjects that interest you and make sure to go to the social part afterwards. Ditto for conferences etc. Like reading? Join a bookclub. You get the idea, if you want to make friends, get out there and meet people; the friends will follow from that.

mathgladiator• 16 years ago

I ran into this problem, and I found that finding people to do stuff with is a good place to start.

I treated it like an RPG and leveled up my social skills. For instance, you can find people on http://www.meetup.com/ You can do community events to meet new people and interact with them. I also recommend reading (or in my case listen to) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Win_Friends_and_Influenc...

You can also date people by a number of ways, and I recommend craigslist (where I met my fiance). If you go this route, then you will need the stamina to go through 1000s of ads and tens of disappointments, but there are many options. (I didn't want to pay any money, and I figured my significant other wouldn't want to spend money either.)

The key to it is: Don't give up.

papa• 16 years ago

I like this approach (the mental RPG game).

I'd also add that you can start with small steps. For instance, with a coworker, see if they want to grab lunch one day or get some coffee during a break. Making friends sometimes takes time. You need to see if you're compatible with the person enough to be able to do stuff with them.

If you're a hacker or entrepreneur (which I'm assuming b/c you're on this site), there are plenty of meetup groups from startups. This is always a great way to find like-minded people.

If college was a great way for the OP to meet friends, consider a local extension school or community college. Consider a class in some hobby you always wanted to learn more about (photography? ceramics?).

Good luck!

Kliment• 16 years ago

Well, I made a number of good friends at the local knitting circle. I made a friend while geohashing. I made some friends by traveling around and meeting up people I knew from online communities. Your best bet is to do stuff you already like, see if there's a group in your city interested in that, and meet up with them. The friend-finding is a side effect. Also, try having conversations with random people, with no expectations.

olegious2• 16 years ago

An interesting question, I would approach it like this:

1: what are your interests and hobbies? Go to www.meetup.com and join some meetup groups associated with those interests- attend a few meetups and you're bound to meet others that share at least some of your interests.

2: are you into any type of sports? if you are, join some adult leagues.

3: you can join an organization like "one brick" onebrick.org and volunteer your time in the community, that way you'd get out, do some good and meet people.

4: if worst comes to worst, post an ad looking for friends on craigslist! when i moved to a new country and had my girl leave me, that's what i did and quickly made some friends.

olegious2• 16 years ago

maybe i'm reading too much into your name, but this is nothing to be ashamed of- people go through lows and highs, believe in yourself. you've made friends before and you'll do so again, you just need to look at it like a process.

ApolloRising• 16 years ago

Which city are you in? Knowing this would help people give you some advice.

legolandbridge• 16 years ago

And be sure to pick your friends wisely...

motxilo• 16 years ago

One of the great things you can do to make some friends when moving to a new location, is practicing any kind of team sport. This alone can make up for any other socializing issue you may have, e.g. language.

kevinskii• 16 years ago

Hello, which big city are you in?

Perhaps like many other engineers, I can totally sympathize. I went through a similar period myself for several years. Looking back, I now realize that I held this incorrect perception that everyone else around me already had an active social life, and that if I reached out for friendship I'd come across as seeming desperate. Like people would think, "Why is this guy trying to be my friend? He's X years old, shouldn't he already have enough friends by now?" Then gradually I learned that many people around me were just as open to making friends as I was, and that many of the folks who you'd think were the most popular socialites are in fact couch potatoes with the same sense of loneliness that you feel.

Be patient, it will get better. And there's nothing wrong with you.

RiderOfGiraffes• 16 years ago

Learn salsa.

EDIT: I found Pablos Holman, hacker extraordinaire, dancing salsa at the end of one of his TED talks:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Kga-CHf-pU#t=11m45s

Ask HN: How do I make friends?

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