Reflections on founder mental health, coaching, a decade after losing my mom

http://initialized.com/zero-lives-remaining-reflecting-on-the-last-10-years-since-losing-my-mom

by kn0thing • 8 years ago

81 11 8 years ago

Mononokay2• 8 years ago

This was a great read—Ohanian's essays are always, really.

I can't say the executive coach bit makes sense to me, though. Athletes play a single, relatively unchanging game. Business, especially in the tech world, is anything but stable. There's no set of rules like there is in atheletics. Is he effectively referring to just a mentor?

karmajunkie• 8 years ago

Just my point of view, but while the two roles overlap, it feels like there's a difference in how you work with them. A mentor is someone you can bring your problems to and they suggest paths forward, navigating challenges based on their experience. A coach looks at what you're doing and proactively suggests changes you may not have brought to them. The two complement each other but I don't think they're quite the same.

hinkley• 8 years ago

Every athlete is different (even from themselves over time), and every opponent has qualities that inform your strategies. I don’t think the two are that divorced.

Mononokay2• 8 years ago

Fair enough.

skywritergr• 8 years ago

I'm not sure about finding a coach, but having a person that you respect to talk about your problem, issues or frustration with work is really important.

Whenever I've talked about something that bothered me with a very few people I respect, and look up to, I made better choices. I really recommend to everyone to find this person.

kirillzubovsky• 8 years ago

Alexis, how would you help someone in work-till-death-depression-spiral help to recognize they may not be as happy as they claim to be? I have a friend who works all day and all night (literally), and is almost guaranteed deeply depressed and borderline psychotic (although I am not a doctor).

I have tried being suggestive, and tried being direct, but the response had ultimately come down to "you are not working as hard as I am, so you just don't understand."

What, if anything, could help snap someone out of their depression or at least help them find help on their own?

howderek• 8 years ago

While I haven't dealt with that precise situation, I know from experience that it is more likely that your friend (deep down) does recognize their own mental health issues, but confronting that will require them to change their perspective on the things they have valued for years.

When I was being abused, I knew deep down that it wasn't right. All my friends told me so. But recognizing that abuse meant I had to change how I view myself and my experiences for months (if not years) before, and that's really hard. It's easier to live in a delusion that everything is okay.

If they are as depressed as you suggest, they probably don't have the energy to reframe their entire experience around the facts you are presenting to them, regardless of how believable those facts are.

You cannot 'save' your friend from their self-destructive behavior, and you should stop trying. Instead, do your best to acknowledge them and make it known that your friend can trust and rely on you. Hopefully, your friend will reach a point in their life where they have the energy to start working on becoming healthier, and you can be supportive of them then.

I suggest looking at this WikiHow article that deals with a similar issue: https://www.wikihow.com/Help-Someone-Who-You-Think-Is-Cuttin...

everdev• 8 years ago

The alternative has to seem better than the current situation. I've rationally brought myself to these places by feeling that the income and success is worth the price. When it stops becoming worth it, you change. That's why there's a prevailing wisdom that someone has to hit "rock bottom" before they change. In reality it's their bottom that they hit before they want to change and that bottom is different for everyone. It sounds like your bottom is at a higher threshold than your friends which is why there's a disconnect as you watch them do thing you can't imagine doing yourself.

I think the biggest way to help is to try to understand them and their values. Sometimes people are operating in a way that they don't even know is unhealthy. If you can simply get curious about their work habits in a positive way and then repeat that back to them without judgement: "It sounds like you value money." or "It sounds like you're scared of going broke in the future.", they can feel heard and it brings down their defenses.

But if you're saying "Stop working so much" or "You'll burn out." the person might be wondering why you're saying those things. Are they jealous? Are they wanting to hang out more? But if you can say "Hey, I've noticed you've put on some weight and I'm nervous about your health" or "Hey, I've been feeling lonely while you've been working so much", they might have a better understanding of your intentions which might help them lower their guard.

codingdave• 8 years ago

You only need an internet connection to change your perspective in a minute

That is a double-edged sword. There are wonderful and terrible things online. Deciding which ones to partake in are just as important as who you surround yourself with.

hitekker• 8 years ago

I appreciate that the article emphasizes personal well-being, but I'm having trouble finding its insight.

Specifically, I would want the author's opinion on how much of yourself you should invest in your startup, or more philosophically, the balance between what you do and what you are.

Tension certainly exists between success-of-the-company and health-of-the-self, respectively represented by coaching and counseling. These two sides are separate, and, in a billion-dollar-pressure-cooker, may even be in open warfare with each other: "I need to work harder" versus "I want to spend time with my children".

So far, this balance seems weighted towards the former. Michael Siebel of YC, has gone on record saying the best startups have founders who stake their self-worth on success and who are, therefore, unhealthy. [1]

I would even surmise that part of why the author recovered is because he left Reddit. His all-consuming focus was just that: All-consuming. Did Reddit need to eat away at him? Or was it incidental? The article doesn't quite say one way or another, but other resources indicate that the authors departure 3 years after the acquisition, gave him the chance to work on his health.

A founder needs to sacrifice for their company, that much is a given.

But the big question for me is, in the pursuit of greatness, when does self-sacrifice become self-destruction?

[1] https://youtu.be/4oeDLeRcook?t=14m56s

[2] http://www.businessinsider.com/reddit-cofounders-saw-a-thera...

eeZah7Ux• 8 years ago

Some bodyweight exercises and reading Reddit should not be recommended to restore mental health when dealing with any moderate or serious issue.

They can even turn into a delay/avoidance tactic.

People dealing with serious stress should be given better advice - e.g. talk to a professional.

Reflections on founder mental health, coaching, a decade after losing my mom

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